Rating M – moved it up to M as the language is getting stronger and for other more adult type scenes in future chapters. Personally I think teens can handle The Goblinerette at this stage but I don't want my story to get pulled from the site : )
Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.
Pre-note – there are a lot of new characters in this chapter, do not worry if you cannot keep track of them all, it's disorientating for Sarah so if you feel the same then put that down to character empathy!
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Sarah materialised in a stone antechamber, in front of her were large wooden double doors through which she could hear music and conversation. From the corner of the room a young man stepped forward, he had brown curly hair cropped short and a cheerful smile plastered on his face.
"Miss Williams, welcome back to the Underground and more specifically to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City," he continued "I am Tariq, his Majesty's steward. I must say what a privilege it is to receive the Champion of the Labyrinth." Tariq completed his speech with a deep sweeping bow as he awaited Sarah's response.
"What the FUCK is going on here?" she screeched, making Tariq jump a good two feet backwards.
"Madam, I can assure you-" he began.
"Send me back, right now," Sarah demanded.
"Why, have you forgotten something? I am sure we can supply you with any manner of-"
"No! I did not agree to come here. I refused the invitation," Sarah interrupted.
"But... but Hoggle said you were coming," Tariq stuttered.
"Oh he did, did he? Where is that crafty little shit hiding?" Sarah asked glaring at Tariq.
"I am afraid I do not follow."
"Don't worry, I'll find him myself. Oh, and Tariq," Sarah called over her shoulder as she walked towards the doors.
"Yes, Miss?"
"Tell Jareth his balls don't work," she said, pushing open the double doors and marching through, leaving a confused fae doing an impression of a goldfish as he watched her leave.
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On entering the next room, Sarah could see a long dining table set for a dozen people. Standing around the table were eight other women, all wearing dresses in different Aboveground styles. They were conversing with each other and accepting refreshments from the number of fae and goblin servants who were meandering through the room. She looked around for Hoggle or anyone that she might recognise from her previous visit, there was no one she knew. At that moment, there was a shout from the antechamber and the doors swept open to reveal a very angry red-headed girl, wearing combat trousers and a Ramones t-shirt. She took one look at the girls in the room and rolled her eyeballs.
"Great, I have just walked into a sorority country club! Where is that glittery bastard who calls himself the Goblin King?" the redhead proclaimed to the room of now silent guests.
Sarah gaped at the girl. On recalling her own predicament, she approached tentatively. "Hi, um did you refuse the invitation too?"
"No, I accepted, I want to make sure his Royal Tartness never sends another goblin uninvited into my home again." She eyed Sarah up and down in an unfriendly manner. "From the looks of you, you accepted, or do you always dress up this fancy to turn something down?"
Sarah looked down at her dress and grimaced. "No, I got ready then changed my mind, I was worried this was a trap to get me under the King's control."
"You only thought that after you got ready? Not very bright are you!" the redhead scoffed.
"Says the girl who accepted the invitation and potentially has trapped herself down here just to give the King a piece of her mind!" Sarah snapped back, eyes flashing.
Taken aback the redhead paused and took a closer look at the raven-haired girl, sensing a kindred spirit. "Touché Princess," the corners of her mouth lifting ever so slightly as she offered Sarah a fist bump. "The name's Susan Briggs."
"Sarah Williams," she replied touching Susan's fist with her own "and it's Champion, not Princess."
"You're the Champion, Sarah Williams!" one of the girls squealed. Sarah turned to see the gaggle of females begin to rush over to her as they hurried to introduce themselves, eager to meet the woman who wrote the story of THAT film.
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Jareth straightened the collar and cuffs of his jewel encrusted coat and smirked at his reflection.
"Look at you tiger," he drawled eyeing himself from each angle. Jareth turned from his dressing mirror as Tariq entered the royal chambers.
"The ladies are all assembled Your Majesty, I think it wise I go down first to announce the true purpose of their visit with us, then you can make your royal appearance," Tariq said.
"Excellent idea Tariq, I shall watch from my crystals to choose my moment," Jareth replied. He began to sing the lyrics to 'Rock of Love'
"I'll be your sugar daddy
I'll be your diamond rings
You'll be my dirty secret
You'll be my sexy thing
I'll take you platinum baby
I'll be your Rock star
I'll get you higher baby
If you wanna go that far"
Tariq grimaced as he hurried down to the dining room, praying that the Williams and Briggs girls didn't ruin this, or there would be nowhere far enough for him to go to escape the Goblin King's wrath.
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Sarah looked over at Susan, who was standing with her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised at the spectacle of sycophantic hens clucking around the Champion.
"We love your story," said a beautiful blonde bombshell.
"So romantic!" squeaked another.
"Did you love the Goblin King?" asked a petite girl who had introduced herself as Chun.
"What's up girl, why the hell did you say no, I would've ditched the brother and took up the offer of that fine ass," piped up a tall girl with a full bosom that was overflowing her dress, she was the epitome of a man-eater.
Sarah couldn't get a single world out as she was bombarded with a barrage of Jareth related questions. "Wait, wait! Hold on a minute please. Do you mean to tell me that you are here because you are all fans of the film?" Sarah asked.
"Not only that, thanks to you we have all been here and met him," blondie replied.
"What?" Sarah gasped.
Tariq chose that moment to enter the dining room. "Ladies, if you would please be seated, I have an announcement to make before the feast begins and we are joined by our illustrious host."
There was high pitched squealing to be heard from eight of the girls as they scurried to their seats. Sarah looked at Susan.
"Do you get the feeling we are the only sane people in the room?" Sarah asked.
"I am sticking with you, princess, those guys give me the fucking willies!" Susan responded, following Sarah to the table.
Once everyone was seated Tariq approached and started to unravel an official looking scroll. "As you may have ascertained during your conversations with each other, you all have something in common," he began.
The girls all looked at one another.
"We are all fans of the Goblin King?" asked the squeaky one who Sarah recalled being introduced as Kitty.
"How kind of you to say Miss, however that is not the reason you are here. You are here because you are all successful runners of the Labyrinth," he clarified.
"What?" Sarah said, "there were only ten successful runners?"
"Ten successful female runners, yes," answered Tariq.
"So where are all the successful male runners?" Susan asked, her countenance growing suspicious.
"Ahem well, you have all been invited here under the pretence of attending the Beltane Feast," Tariq said.
"Here it comes," said Sarah under her breath, although loud enough for Susan to hear.
"The feast will begin soon enough, however, I have a wonderful surprise for you all. His Majesty, the Goblin King, humbly requests the pleasure of the company of the Winners of the Labyrinth for the next four weeks, to allow him to court you all in the hopes of selecting one of you as the future Goblin Queen," Tariq paused and quickly glanced at the stunned faces around the table. He hurriedly continued. "His Majesty will be giving each of you the opportunity to demonstrate the skills you possess that would be beneficial as queen to such an important and high profile monarch. To do this you will be required to undertake certain tasks and trials where you will compete with one another to showcase your talents," Tariq declared.
"His Majesty wants to court us?" blondie asked.
"One of us gets to be Queen?" exclaimed Chun.
"Hang on, he gets to court all of us at once?" asked another girl with big blue eyes but a gazillion freckles.
"How does that work?" butted in her neighbour, who spoke with a heavy French accent.
"It sounds like the Bachelor!" Darla, the girl the other side of Sarah, exclaimed.
"Oh, I love that show," declared Kitty.
"Ah, I see you are familiar with the concept. Excellent, well this will all be a good natured and friendly competition with lots of fun and entertainment for you to enjoy," Tariq said beaming at the ladies.
"This is Bullshit, what if we don't want to marry that puffed-up Nancy Boy?" Susan asked.
"If the temptation of the King himself is not enough, then there is the gift of immortality that comes along with the title," Tariq responded drily.
"Oh my god we get to live forever! That's just like Twilight," sighed Darla.
"Oh, I love that film," gushed Kitty.
Sarah rolled her eyeballs. "Sorry Tariq, not interested, so after enjoying this little reunion I would appreciate being returned home."
"What's wrong with you girl? Can't you see a great opportunity when it hits you! Oh, no wait, you were the dumb-ass that chose to keep her brother," snarked the overflowing bosomed man-eater.
"How dare-" Sarah flared to be interrupted by Susan.
"How come you are a 'Winner' of the Labyrinth, if you didn't take back your wish-away and refuse the king?" Susan challenged overflowing bosoms.
"It was only my ma's pet Chihuahua, it was well worth the risk to meet that honey bun," she responded curling her lip. "Anyways I'd reached the castle so it turned out I'd already won 'Killer' back before I confronted that juicy-"
"But why bother to run, you would have met him when you wished your erm 'Killer' away?" Sarah interrupted, completely baffled.
"You're joking right, fear me, love me, do as I say?" she responded rolling her eyes at Sarah's obvious stupidity.
"But you didn't get offered that did you?" prodded Susan, finally figuring it out.
"He would have done but another runner summoned him," she huffed.
"Saved by the bell," Tariq muttered under his breath.
"What?" the man-eater asked.
"Nothing," Tariq coughed and continued. "Well ladies, now is your opportunity to impress His Majesty with your devotion to his subjects and the desire of becoming Queen."
"Tariq," Sarah interjected "I'm not interested, send me home."
"Make that two of us," Susan added.
Unbeknown to the ladies in the room, Tariq was beginning to panic and prayed Jareth would make his entrance soon.
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Jareth was staring through the crystal, his gaze locked onto Sarah. "Bloody hell she grew up to be more than even I imagined!" he mused. She even styled her hair similar to how it looked in the ballroom scene, although this dress was much more becoming on her slender frame. Jareth licked his lips and felt a tightness form in his nether regions. It was then that she insisted on being sent home and he immediately scowled at her image.
'You are not going anywhere my precious," Jareth said aloud, all the feelings of rejection and animosity rearing up at her stubborn refusal to stay. Jareth left his dressing room and headed down towards the dining room.
"One look at me in this coat and she will soon be changing her mind about going home, I am after all her dreams personified," he smiled smugly. "Not that she is going to get the chance to claim them this time, oh no, you are going to pay for the humiliation you have heaped upon me Champion!"
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Tariq tried to establish some calm but the ladies were all getting a bit too excited.
"Oh, this is so romantic!" declared Darla.
"Will it be televised in the Underground? Will we be famous?" asked blondie.
"Well-" began Tariq.
"I'll never have to work at Walmart again!" piped up Jamie, who up until now had kept quiet.
"Bring it on baby, I got this hands down," scoffed the man-eater.
"What do you mean you got this? What makes you think you have an edge, your dress isn't even designer," stated freckles.
"Oh please, that Stella McCartney you're wearing has seen more red carpet than an Irish lesbian!" Chun jumped in, snapping at freckles.
"How dare you, you JC Penny wearing bitch," freckles shrieked.
"Ladies, ladies please!" Tariq called just as a full wine glass went hurtling passed his face and landed on the table in front of Chun, soaking everyone nearby.
"I'm gonna break your face, shit splash!" screamed Chun, now unfortunately known as JC Penny.
"Leave her alone you SKANK!" shouted Darla.
"Did you just splash me with that," growled an infuriated Susan Briggs, rising from the table, hands fisted.
Tariq had begun to back-step towards the door, he hadn't survived centuries in the Underground Court without knowing when to retreat.
"Tariq get back here!" Sarah yelled as the steward fled the room whilst cutlery, glass, flower arrangements and crockery were hurled across the table amongst screeches of some very unladylike language.
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Jareth had just descended the staircase when Tariq burst through the dining room doors yelling "FLEE!" to the servants hovering outside.
"Tariq!" shouted Jareth.
"Run, Your Majesty!" Tariq called as he raced passed his sovereign.
On seeing the dining room door thud as something heavy and breakable shattered against the other side, Jareth began to back-up and placed a sealing spell on the doorway to ensure no one could get in or out of the room. The goblins hearing the noise and seeing their King's response flew into a panic. Jareth followed Tariq's swiftly retreating figure as his steward hurtled through the main doors into the courtyard. It was at that moment a loud shrill noise like an air raid horn shook the castle.
"What the hell is going on?" screamed Jareth.
"Oh no, it would appear the goblins have initiated the evacuation alarm for the Castle," Tariq moaned.
"And why pray tell would they do that?" the King asked.
"The ladies' exchanges got a bit heated and dare I say violent, Your Majesty," Tariq confirmed.
Jareth crouched down on the floor and put his head in his hands, as terrified subjects ran too and thro, yelling hysterically.
"Tariq," Jareth said in a deceptively mild voice.
"Yes, Sire?" Tariq winced.
"Cancel the evacuation," ordered the King.
At a wave of the steward's hand the fog horn stopped and the goblins froze in place.
"Subjects of the goblin castle," Jareth's voice boomed throughout the building, except for the dining room which was currently sealed off. "The threat has been contained and there is no need to evacuate. All of you get back to work now, that is an order."
The goblins looked at one another not moving.
"Well?" Jareth snarled "Move you imbeciles!"
They all ran back to their posts, whispering furiously about the crazy monster that had materialised in the dining room and attacked the guests at the feast.
"Tariq," Jareth summoned his steward in a deadly tone.
"Your Majesty?" Tariq squeaked.
"We are going to need tighter trousers!"
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A/N OK ENORMOUS Authors Note:
Thank you to all those who have reviewed, followed, favourited and sent PMs etc.
The dialogue between the girls is going to get bitchy, if any of you have seen Rock of Love you will get what I mean. If I have them all acting nicey-nicey to each other it is not going to be believable. So on the off-chance anyone is offended by these exchanges, please take this as an apology in advance, it is not my intention to piss anyone off.
Suspension of disbelief: OK so the timeline is going to be a bit odd as Labyrinth was made in 1986, Sarah is portrayed as 24 now and there are references to Twilight, The Bachelorette and Rock of Love, which obviously came along a lot later. I have purposefully not named the film as THE Labyrinth, I only refer to it as THAT film for a number of reasons, this being one of them. Therefore, I am asking you to ignore any discrepancies with the 'real world' timeline, as to be honest, it has no impact on the plot and this is hardly War and Peace!
References:
Go That Far - Lyrics written by Bret Michaels
Stella McCartney dress joke courtesy of the late great Joan Rivers from an episode of Fashion Police
Recommendations:
If you like Labyrinth fanfiction that makes you laugh check out:
True Git – a western by TheRealEatsShootsAndLeaves
The T-shirt incidents by the mutli-talented Pika-la-Cynique
Reefer Magic by WhenasInSilks
ATTACK OF THE MARY SUE'S! by Redwood Manning
Just good friends by darkpartofmydestiny
And ofcourse anything by the incomparable Lixxle
Please PM me any similar recommendations : )