A/N: Hi all, ok just to put out there, people reviewed and PM'd me about Alice moving on so quickly. She isn't moving on, not properly anyway, what she's doing is TRYING to get over what she did for the sake of her friends and family and when i say moving on i meant from the guilt cause remember it did happen a month ago and she hasn't seen Bella since she collected some things so Alice has been a wreck. it would be really hard to move on from Bella when she hasn't seen her. I remember telling my friend to start moving on from the guilt of her betrayal because she was stuck in a rut for nearly two months. So no, Alice will not be moving on so easily, it will show in this chapter. Chapter 3 was more of a filler, it was only to let up on the angst and give everyone a breather and Alice haha so that's why nothing major occured. And yes it was pretty stupid the convo about coffee but like i said it was pointless and just a filler, I'm using my sister for Emmett cause she is stupid, like really stupid and the things she comes out with is just Gold for Emmett. Anyway i'll shush now. xSkylarx
I didn't feel right coming tonight, i wanted to go back to the apartment and curl up on the sofa and be away from everyone. I know i said i need the distractions and this is a pretty good one, surrounded by my friends but i feel wrong inside for doing it, as if I'm commiting an offence for trying to be happy.
I shouldn't be here with everyone, fake laughing and fake smiling with my over exaggeratec bouncy personality. Because i don't want to smile, i don't want to laugh. I should be alone with my thoughts of Bella, alone and hating on myself because it's what i deserve. I shouldn't be sat with Rose and Angie at my side with Jess on the floor discussing the new line's of clothing coming out this month for the winter season while the guys debate what movie to put on next while Bella is somewhere, not surrounded by her friends, when really she needs them more than me right now. Urgh but i made a promise to the others to start getting better with myself, so that's what I'm trying to do...but it's so fucking difficult. I'm not ungrateful, I'm really glad they've invited me over tonight, it's a slightly refreshing difference but the negative inside me definately out-weighs it.
When i arrived earlier as soon as i stepped through the door, Rose tackled me into a fierce hug which made me want to vomit on contact, not because SHE hugged me but because she HUGGED me. At first i was thankful for Rose because she wasn't afraid to scream and shout at me for what i did.
"YOU STUPID BITCH!" Rose screamed at the top of her lungs as she tried to get past Emmett strong hold. I didn't care about what she was saying because it was all true.
Rose was the one to comfort Bella after she found me and James last night. She told her everything which i assumed and now Rose is out for my blood. I'm terrified of her right now, I've never seen her so angry before and i know if she gets out of Emmett's grip I'm done for, i'd welcome it but Renee for some insane reason is being a shield for me. Why would she protect the woman that broke her little girls heart.
"Rose seriously calm down babe!" Emmett grunted as Rose thrashed in his arms.
"CALM DOWN! How the fuck can i calm down you know what she did Emmett!" her tone was so cold and vexed it chilled me and i felt Renee tremble as well.
"Rosalie this is not helping anything, everyone just breath and sit down so we can talk" my mom's motherly voice works on Rose as she succumbed into Emmett's arms. He doesn't remove his arms as he sits the furious blonde on his lap in Charlie's chair. I opt for the sofa futhest away and my mom joins me and takes my trembling hand.
"Right I'm calm, now tell me what the fuck happened" even though she spoke in a quiet voice, i could clearly hear her growl. Her eye was twitching along with her tapping foot. Yes Rosalie Hale is a woman scorned right now.
"I-i-don't know what happened, all i remember is drinking at the club with Jess and Ja- Jam..." I couldn't bring myself to say his name, i got hit with a flashback of me shouting his name in my drunken state.
"James, the man you spread your legs for Alice, say it" Rose seethed and i winced at her choice of words.
"ROSALIE! Another word and i will throw you out of my house" Renee defended and turned to me with a soft smile and nodded me to continue.
Why was she being so...suppotive? Shouldn't she be like Rose, furious and banning me from her presence?
"I was drinking with Jess and...James, then everything was a blur after that, I do not remember anything at all i swear. I started sobering up and i noticed i was in mine and Bella's...bed with...him...naked. When i noticed it wasn't Bella I sobered up straight away. But before i could push him away...B-Bella was in th-the doorway...watching us, oh god she saw everything, heard everything" i broke down into sobs as my mother cradled me in her arms
"It's okay, take your time honey" she cooed
"...I ran after her, i did! I wanted to explain or at least try to. B-but she was already gone, she ran away from me...I tr-i tried to-" i couldn't speak anymore and i broke down again into Renee's waiting arms this time as my mom rubbed my back.
After i eventually got myself calm again i pulled myself away from Renee's soaked blouse and she handed me a tissue.
"Where is she?" my voice croaked painfully.
"Charlie picked her up from Rose's this morning and has taken her to Edward's for the time being so she can decide what she's going to do" Renee moved a wet strand of hair out of my eyes and squeezed my hand.
'Decide's what to do'
'Oh god what if she moves out, what if she leaves Forks, I'll never see her again!' My heart pounded painfully making me wince.
"I'm going to lose her" i whispered to no-one and played with the heart pendent she won out of a christmas cracker for me, I know it seems stupid sbut he gave it me when i was seventeen after we kissed under the mistletoe and told me she loved me for the first time. I waited from the first moment i seen her for her to say those words as i knew i loved her. The pendent became a cemented reminder of her love for me, a cheap silver necklace she won from a cracker.
"It's your own fault" Rose mumbled and my anger peaked.
"Don't you think i know that Rose! Don't bother trying to make me feel like shit by threatening me and insulting me! I already hate myself! I know I'm a complete fucking asshole! There is nothing you can say or do to make me feel any worse! I have lost the love of my life and i can't even think of anything to cause me more pain right now!" i screamed at her which only infuriated her more.
"Oh really..."
"Rose-" Emmett spoke but she ignored him.
"How about the fact that Bella collapsed into my arms the moment she saw me, crying for hours, crying so fucking much she threw up! She was blaming herself for what you did! She thought she wasn't good enough for you and that's why you did it, she had a fucking panic attack over it and it scared the shit out of me and Em so badly that we had to call your dad to drug her to get her to calm her down! And when she finally passed out from the exhaustion, she spent her time asleep screaming for you to get off of James! To stop what you was doing! You've caused her nightmares which is so ironic considering you promised to make all her dreams come true"
Rose didn't speak to me after that, it wasn't until my mom and her barged into my home after i spent nearly a week, sat doing nothing, not answering calls or the door. And eventually my mom had enough and literally smashed the door from it's hinges. When Rose seen the state i was locked in she relented on her 'Hate Alice' parade and became my supportive friend again, with the same thought as Angie, she knew i was punishing myself enough. She tried to apologise for what she said but i told her not too cause it was a reasonable response.
"Hey what about Die Hard!" Jasper shouts gaining cheers from the guys.
"That isn't a horror Jazz" Rose tells her cousin who pouts and puts the DVD back on the shelf, leaning over the crouching Emmett.
"Sure it is, it's so badly acted and written it could be classed as a horror" Jess mumbles.
The guys halt there movements and their mouths drop in utter disbelief.
"Oh no you didn't" Emmett splutters
"Oh no you di-int just say on no you didn't" Edward cocks his hip and snaps his fingers and actually makes me laugh, he really can be play gay to much for his own good sometimes. Again i was shocked by the Swan family member as he was nothing but polite to me since i arrived and not once did he act all fake and sympathetic, just treated me like normal.
"Shut up bro and tell your woman to apologise for disrespecting such an awesome film" Emmett grumbles as her searches on his hands and knees through his never ending chest supply of DVD's, it would be so much easier if he had Netflix but no Emmett being Emmett likes to keep himself old-skool, the dude still has a VCR, i didn't even know Tape's still existed.
"She doesn't have to, i agree" Edward says making Emmett crack his head on the lid of the chest with a thump.
"Ouch shit, dude look what you made me do with your crazy words!" he rubs his head and pouts as no one gives him sympathy, instead laughter.
"Alright guys, The Possession? has anyone seen it?" Jasper waves the film in his hand, everyone shakes their head and he throws it to Emmett. I've seen it already but no-one else has so i keep quiet, it wasn't that scary but it freaked Bella when we watched it, enough for her to hide herself under my sweatshirt. I never got to see the ending as she began to kiss her way down my stomach and the film was forgotten.
"Hows life Alice?" Jess asks timdly.
Jessica for some reason has taken half the blame for what happened that night on herself, she's acting as if she's aided me in killing someone just because she bought me drinks that night. C'mon the girl cried in my arms when she found out Bella left me, SHE cried! Silly girl.
"It's okay Jess, yours?" i ask as chippy as i can with a fake smile. The girls seem to buy my false attitude so i keep it up.
"It's great urm good...it's ok" silence falls over us creating a very awkward atmosphere.
"So...The Possession, some little girl obsessed with some wierd ass box? How's that scary?" Rose break the silence, thankfully.
"I heard she sleeps with it" i pitch in, i know she does, it is a odd film and it's supposedly true but of course it always turns out as false, a sales pitch to sell it to the public more.
"Eww like sleep sleep!" Jess squeals
"...Oh my god your just like Emmett" Rose mumbles under her breath at Jess's stupidity.
"Alice can you come help me in the kitchen please" Edward calls out, Angie gives me a look saying silently if she needed her to come with me but i smile and softly shake my head and make my way to him.
"I'm here, what do you need help with?" i ask Edward who is pulling bottle of beers from the fridge.
"I don't actually need any help, i wanted to speak to you away from everyone else"
It's strange how similar Edward and Bella are, their not twins but they so could be, they both have the deeply shade of brown mixed with a slight green eyes. Red tinted highlights in their hair and the same crooked smile which only they can pull off. Their voice's are soft and light, every word they say is perfectly pronounced. They are both virtuso and are amazingly talented, Edward is pretty much an expert on the piano and Bella's silk voice accompanies him perfectly when they performed together. I remember when i first met Edward when we was sixteen. I was going to Bella's for dinner after school and she driving us all home. He of course was in the music room pounding away at the keys when we met up with him.
Bella held the door open for me with her finger on her lips as we stepped into the music room. I could hear the piano been played with fury as we both tip toed futher towards it. A young male with high gelled hair, you could say a male version of Bella was pounding away at the keys with great speed and precision. His eye's we're closed as he lost himself completley in the music, i could understand why Bella told me to be quiet, distracting him right now would be similar to breaking a law. He was playing beautifully.
We both stood in silence and waited for him to finish his piece, oblivious to our presence. When he finally finished i couldn't help but clap making him jump and press down on the keys.
"JESUS! how long have you been standing there!" he gasped out.
"Long enough Edward, long enough. It sounds much better than last week, your going to pass your exam with flying colours" he smiled a crooked smirk, exactly matching his sister's it was wierd.
"Thanks sis. Soooo is this The Alice?" he offered me his hand to shake and i took it. His voice was silky smooth just like Bella's, these two could be twins easily.
"Nice to meet you Edward" "You too, it's about time aswell, I'm tired of hearing Bell talk about you all the time, it's nice to put a face to the name"
Butterflies swirled in my stomach to hear Bella speaking about me.
"I don't talk about you all the time, he's exaggerating, ignore him" she playfully punched him in the arm making him yelp.
"She does talk about you all the time, she's denying, ignore her" he stick his tongue out as they banter like true siblings.
I dragged my fingers across the keys. I wish i could play an instrument, to have a talent in some ways, sure i was great with clothing but that's not really as impressive as making music.
"Has Bella performed for you?"
"Dude! she didn't need to know that piece of information" she hissed at her now smirking brother. I gasped at this exciting information and bounced on the spot.
"Great now she's going to want to hear" she whined when she noticed my excitement. I turned and gave her my most powerful pout and strongest puppy eyes i could muster. Bella did whatever she could to not focus on my face. She can't deny this, It's how i got her to go on a date with me...and the fact i sang 99 bottles of beer over and over till she said yes.
"See!" she waved her hand at me, indicating the pout that she was refusing to look at.
"Pweeease Bwella" Edward 'awwd' at my tone while Bella relented and grumbled a fine. Edward chuckled and placed himself at the piano.
She growled and grumbled and perched herself up on the piano pouting. I was confused, I thought she was going to play for me
"I sing, sometimes i play but i prefer him doing it" she whispered. Her face was crimson red and her hair fell, hiding me from view.
"Bella you can't sing well if your eating your hair" Edward leans up and tucks her hair behind one shoulder. She wasn't impressed that her plan was foiled.
"Fine. What are we going to do?" what Bella doesn't realise is when she acts moody she comes across insanely adorable.
"That's easy. My Love by Sia" he smiles and cracks his fingers in preparation.
"You son of a bitch" she grumbled
"Such lovely language from a fine lady. Bella we sound amazing with that song so suck it up"
Edward began to play the keys of the opening, i knew the song and it was gorgeous. But i was wrong, it was beautiful when Bella sang it. Her voice was pitch perfect, she had no problems reaching the high notes and held the long vocals with perfection. Edward played in time and never played out of key. When he joined her with a backing vocal, they meshed together. They was perfect...She was perfect. Her reluctance to sing disappeared and she belted it out and didn't lose eye contact with me. And i fell in love with her more in that moment
That song in a way became our song. She suprised me at Prom by performing it for me and even the night we first made love, it was played quietly in the back ground. I don't think i could bring myself to listen to it now.
"Alice?"
Edward waved his hand in front of me, snapping me from my memories.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, just got lost in thought" i croaked as i swallowed the building tears.
"Where did you go?" he whispered.
"The day i met you. When you and Bella sang that song for me" he smiled as he remembered himself. It seems such a long time ago, when everything was happy and flowing with no bumps.
"Bella beat the crap outta me when you left our home, she was so embarrassed over performing for you, I remember being so shocked that she actually did sing for you. It took her months to build up the courage to sing for our parents but you asked once and she did, it was definatley shocking, i knew you was special to her" his voice was sensitive and it made me uncomfortable, the tone he had for his sister.
"...Edward. Everyone is talking as if Bella has died, the way their voices are, the words their using. I'm sick of it now. I was thankful for the support to begin with but now..."
"I know but it's a very unfortunate circumstance, it's affected everyone. Not just you two"
"I don't understand why. I was the one that...broke her heart. Not her family or her friends"
"We know that but you two was the glue that held this family together and I don't mean the actual family, I mean everyone. Angela, Rose, Jasper, Ben, Jess. Even though they are not related, we all see each other as one big blood family and you and Bella was the reason we all met. If Bella didn't meet you, I wouldn't of been introduced to Jessica. If I didn't meet Jess then i wouldn't of introduced Ben to Angela. Rose wouldn't of met your cousin. We all would still be single and alone, unhappy"
"Like me now" i grumbled to myself and focused on a photo on the fridge, a photo of everyone together at a baseball game last year. Everyone with their loves. Apart from Jasper, don't feel sorry for him, he's happy being a single man and loves the freedom he has with his life. Me and Bella was covered in blue body paint and looked like a pair of Smurfs. I couldn't help but wonder if we would be able to have more times like that again.
"I heard from Angela you was attempting to bring back the old Alice, i can see that your struggling"
I leant my head into my hands and sighed. I was tired, drained and i really wanted to go home now. He steps over and hands me an open beer but i decline. I have zero trust in alcohol now.
"It's not that I'm struggling. I just...don't think i should be allowed to be the old happy me"
"And why do you think your not allowed it?" Why was the Swan family so damn nice to me, out of everyone. Renee, Charlie and Edward should be the ones to hate me, ignore me, refuse to have any kind of contact with me. But no, they are all being so fucking supportive and it's making me nauseous
"Because i- because i hurt Bella. Horribly, i shouldn't be allowed to smile, laugh or have sympathy. I should be alone, wallowing in self-hatred"
"Alice no one likes broodiness. Especially Bella, she wouldn't want you like this-"
"Well she should and so should you and everyone in the living room, not inviting me round for pizza and beer"
"I know my sister and i know how she thinks. Yes she pissed and extremely heartbroken over what happened. But she's dealing with it, yes she's islolated herself from everyone but she's doing it to think over everything unlike you who's chosen your isolation just to punish yourself"
"I deserve it-"
"You did deserve it, at the beginning but now it's time to stop. Alice do you really, deep in your heart believe that Bella hates you. Hate's you enough to want you to suffer like this"
'Yes' 'No' at the same time my brain and heart answered. My self hatred has clouded my mind enough for me believe that Bella does, truly in fact hate and is wishing a pain filled life whereas my heart doesn't, it knows Bella doesn't, she's hurt by me, that it does know and believe but does she hate me? My heart answers with another 'No' but it's a matter of letting my mind believe it. If the heart is part of me i choose to believe.
"...hopefully in time you will choose the right thing to listen to" he squeezes my shoulder and grabs the beers as if reading my mind.
"Man where the hell is this pizza man I'm starved!" Ben whines cradling his stomach
"When did you guys order it?" i ask as i sit down between the girls again.
"Jeez about an hour ago, it's as if it's coming from Italy itself. HURRY UP!" Ben whines again. Edward parks himself down next to Ben who is cradling his stomach and gives me a small wink.
"Honey shouting for it won't make it come any quicker" Angie tells her boyfriend who responds by poking out his tongue and rubs his very loud growling stomach.
"Haha come" Emmett giggles as he places the disc in the player and everyone just shakes their head at his immaturity apart from Jess who descreetly hid her giggles by feigning a cough.
"Hey sorry i took so long guys, traffic was killer-" a voice shouts as the front door opens and i freeze at hearing a voice i did not expect along. I feel everyone's eyes flash at me for a second and towards the hallway where the voice came from. The footsteps trace into the living room and i tense as they turn the corner.
"Hopefully the pizza will still be warm-" they freeze up when they see me.
"Oh shit" i hear Angela whisper under her breath. Oh shit indeed.
I back track, NOW things are awkward.
Oh crap! Who is it!? Sorry to be mean and leave it there lol erm I'm going to jump back onto 'Wrong Desires' cause i think I've left it long enough, don't fret I'm not leaving this story though, it will be updated in a few days, It's just I've got inspiration for 'WD' that needs to be published. Also i just need to say this cause it's been bothering me. This is an Angst story and it focuses around it more than the Romance(Which will be involved at some point). I don't want to upset people with what i write but it's the genre and it will be quite harsh at certain points, i want to please my readers but at the same time, i don't want to be softening it cause it will lose it's emotion which i aiming to get. I want people to get emotional at it cause it's angst, that's the aim. If i didn't want that then i wouldn't catorgorise it as Angst. I hope i don't lose readers because of it cause that would really suck, so all i ask of you, is to stick with it PLEASE, this story is important, more important than 'WD' cause it's a True Story, not that I'm using that to get you to read it, far from it. The fact that it's all coming from my friends POV herself(who i can't thank enough for letting me do this) makes it the most truthful thing i've ever written. Well I'm gonna shush now. Of course as usual PM me with question's and i will reply with cookies :D xSkylarx