A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews. alert, and all that amazing stuff. I am glad you guys like the story. This is Sam chapter, and chapter 5 is so HOT. Anyway please review and let me know what you guys think.
I could sense she was mad at me since the moment she climbs in the bike that morning. I didn't know why, but she was furious about something. Then she asked me if I spend the night with a blond, brunet or red head and even though I was alone, I enjoyed leaving her curious. She had no right to asked me about my personal life. She was the one that dump me. She chose her job over me, and the mature side of me knows that was the right choice. But I can't help to feel selfish and want more. I was the coward anyways; I didn't fight for her either. I didn't know how to, or if it was the right thing to do. I already feel guilty enough that she got hurt and that everyone found out about us because of me.
I decide to clear my head and concentrate on my work out, when the shot ran through the radio. My first instinct was to look at Jules. And for the first few second I notice how she froze on the spot and got scare. I also notice how she got herself back together and ran to her locker room. The look on her face was bothering me all through the call but I manage to push it. Even after she asked me all those question at the end of the day, I manage to control the sudden anger and helplessness inside me. When I got home, I put a game on and took a couple beers out to see if I could calm myself down. I went to bed, but I turn all night because Jules was on my mind. It wasn't like in the beginning when she broke up with me. This was different; it was the look on her face when she heard the shot that hunted me all night. That didn't let me sleep all night, or gave me some peace on my mind. At the end I decide to get up and go to work early and work out to release some of this anger.
It was quiet and it looked like nobody was there. But then I spotted her and her body was tense. But the look on her face was full of love. She looks beautiful and every fiber in my body just wanted to grab her and kiss her senseless. But then she turned around and her eyes were wide and tire. She looked hunted, even scare. And at the moment it hit me. Her nightmares were back. She remembers all those bad dreams she had in the hospitals and how she would try to wake up, but her eyes wouldn't open. They were so bad that the doctor had to calm her down by sedating her.
I witness day after day how she had those horrible nightmares, until she was conscious enough to wake herself up. She never remembers them and I never told her she talk in her sleep. That half the time she would tell me exactly what she was dreaming before I got the courage to wake her up again. Half the time I didn't wake her up because I wanted her to hurt me too, just like she was hurting. I wanted her to blame me an accused me for not protecting her. And even though everyone on the team said is not my fault she got shot. I couldn't bring myself to forgive myself. I promise her that I would protect her and be there for her. But I wasn't there for her and I let her down. How do I stand in front her and let her try to help me when I didn't help her. When I am the one causing those nightmares, and the physical and emotional pain she going through. So I make sure I gave nothing away and just walk away.
I try hard enough to calm down the anger I had toward myself but the more she watch me the angrier I got. I was glad when we went on the call and then I went home. That night it was worst, my nightmares and her, kept me up another night. I know I was being unfair to her, and the angrier I am with myself the worst she going to feel because she would think is because of her. But I know it not because of her, it because I let her down. So I would try my best to make it up to her, as soon as I figure out how. So that is why I decide to stop on the coffee shop and get some coffee for everyone, especially her. I know she was going to need it. I try my best to relax around her, but the tire she look the more the angrier I got, so it didn't surprise me when she approach me. I was trying my best to avoid it, what surprise me was that I forgot she is faster than me, sometimes.
I wanted to punch someone when she was asking me if I was alright. I was the one treating her bad and giving her nightmares and here she is asking me if I was alright. The woman never fails to surprise me. And as mad as I was, I just wanted to grab her and hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright. That she was safe and that no one, including myself was going to hurt her. But how do I tell her all that without pushing her away some more. Without jeopardizing her job, her career that she work so hard to get. Without turning her world upside down by a man that only knows how to bring pain and despair on everyone he love. I couldn't do to her or to myself. She deserved better and that why I walk away. I couldn't stand there and see the hurt on her eyes and also the hope that I would make it better. I couldn't do it, so I climb on my bike and drove away. I was speeding until I realize that this is not the way. That I could cause more damage by being reckless over something that could be solved through talking. Or at least help her sleep after she knows the truth.
It being a week and I haven't manage the courage to tell her, why I am acting the way toward her. It is not her personally; it is me trying not to hurt her. But I am hardly a talker so I don't even know how to start explaining myself. The team has notice she has being more tire and they have being trying to help her. I am actually glad we have those three days off, like that she get some rest. Looking at her now, she look exhausted, I think she hasn't drop because of all the caffeine that she being drinking. I was actually glad when she started to open up about her nightmares, maybe as team we could solve this problem. And if she was able to talk about it, maybe I would do the same. But the moment she said she slept with someone else, everything change. It like something broke in my heart. I know we are not together and she has a right to be happy and with someone else that is not me. But I can't help it to be jealous, sad and furious at her, at everyone, but most of all at myself for letting that day destroy everything we had. Since she got shot everything change. That is when I knew that I would be nothing without her. That I would never love anyone as much as I love her. That she was the reason that I continue living or actually being in this job, that I didn't even feel like I was making a difference. She was the light at the end of the tunnel and it was all taken from me when she got shot.
I was in my own thoughts when I heard she said she got lay. I froze and didn't move because I didn't trust myself not to let my emotions show. So I concentrated on my breathing so I won't get up a beat someone to death, mainly Spike and Ed for asking question. Who care, who she slept with. Someone had they dirty hands on her. On her beautiful soft skin, on her amazing full lips and was inside of her after I had being there. How the hell I sit here and listen to that, when all I wanted to do was the same. To have her again and again until she scream my name and remember that no one would take care of her like I have. That no one would love her and her body the way I love her. That even if it doesn't seem right now, I would give my life for her, even make a deal with the devil himself to make sure she was happy. That I am heartbroken just knowing that she suffering, and losing sleep because of me. How do I make anyone understand that? How do I understand that myself without hurting her, or worst finding the courage to let her go.
I was pulled out from my thoughts when she got up. I look at my watch and it was time to go. I was so furious; I grab my bag and just left and didn't even bother to change my uniform. When I got home, I threw my bag on the floor and went to the refrigerator and got me a beer. I open it and gulp it down. After that I grab a couple of more and went to my living room. I try to watch some sport, or pace the room so I could calm down, but after a while the anger was so much I threw the bottle against the wall and felt down on the floor and cry. I cry since the first time she got shot, the first time I heard about her nightmare and most of all I cry since the first time I realize I lost her. And nothing in this world was going to change that.
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