"Rise and shine, guys! It's breakfast time!" shouted the Joker, waking the other inmates from a solid slumber.
"What is it?" asked Tetch, rubbing his eyes.
"I dunno – someone needs to go get it!" retorted Joker.
"Why can't you do it?" snapped Crane.
"What do I look like, room service?" demanded Joker.
"If you were awake, you could at least have made yourself useful," growled Two-Face.
"It is beneath Emperor Joker to exert himself with such mundane tasks," said Joker, waving his hand. "That's what I keep you minions around here for."
"You're not Emperor Joker," snapped Ivy. "You're going to have to pitch in with the grunt work just like the rest of us."
"Or what, Pammie?" retorted Joker, smiling.
"Or you don't eat," she snapped.
"No, it's ok, puddin', don't exert yourself," said Harley, standing up. "I'll find us some food."
"See? Harley's being a good minion," said Joker. "Maybe if the rest of you were as loyal and useful as her, you could be Emperor Joker's concubine too."
"Well, there's my new dream," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Harley, don't go out there alone!" she shouted as she rushed out of the tent after Harley. "This planet's dangerous! Remember what happened yesterday?"
"Don't worry, Red, I can take care of myself," retorted Harley. "I ain't stupid, and I'm gonna be on my guard against the wildlife now…oh my God, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen!" she squealed as a small, furry critter emerged from the undergrowth. It looked like a cross between a rabbit and a chinchilla, a ball of fluff with big eyes, long ears, and buck teeth. Its pink nose quivered as it hopped closer to Harley and Ivy, sniffing.
"Don't touch it, Harley!" snapped Ivy, grabbing her hand back as Harley reached out to pet it. "It might be dangerous!"
"Aw, c'mon, Red! Nothing that cute can be dangerous!" retorted Harley. "Hi, sweetie," she cooed, holding out her hand as the tiny creature slowly approached her and began nuzzling against her affectionately. "I ain't gonna hurt ya…"
She screamed suddenly as she was splattered with blood and the animal was riddled with bullets. It dropped to the ground, dead. She whirled around to see the Joker's gun smoking. "Close one there, Harl," he said, blowing the smoke away. "But ya gotta teach the wildlife to be afraid of us as quickly as possible. Now that one will tell the other creatures that the humans aren't to be trifled with."
"It's dead!" shouted Ivy. "It can't tell the others anything!"
"Why'd ya shoot it, Mr. J?" cried Harley, tearing up. "It was so cute, and it wasn't gonna hurt me…"
"You don't know that, Harley!" he snapped. "That plant pod looked pretty innocent yesterday before it tried to eat you! I refuse to be made the villain here for trying to protect you!"
"Actually, it's definitely an herbivore," said Crane, studying the dead animal.
"There, ya see?!" snapped Joker.
"That means it eats plants," explained Crane. "See? Its teeth are flat but slightly serrated, mostly used for grinding stalks and leaves."
"Well then, I bet Pammie is glad it's dead," retorted Joker. "Anyway, now we got breakfast! Let's eat it!"
"There's hardly enough for everyone," said Crane.
"Too bad for you losers, then," said Joker, picking up the corpse. "Harley, be a lamb and skin this, would ya? Oh, and try to pick some of the lead out while you're at it. Don't wanna get lead poisoning or I'll end up mad as a hatter, eh, Tetchy?"
"Who would know the difference?" muttered Crane.
"Actually, it was mercury poisoning from felt that was accountable for the madness of hatters in the 18th and 19th centuries…" began Tetch.
"Yeah, yeah, stop boring Emperor Joker with useless facts," said Joker, shoving him out of the way. "If anyone wants me, I'll be in the hut."
"Who wants breakfast?" asked a voice. Everyone turned to see Croc and Clayface emerging from the surrounding forest, carrying an armful of brightly colored fish in their arms.
"Hey, thanks, boys!" said Ivy, smiling at them. "Now all we gotta do is build a fire. I kinda wish Firefly were here, and I never thought I'd say that."
"One of the few pros of being a smoker, Pammie," said Two-Face, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette lighter. "You always got a light handy."
"Ivy and Croc make babies now?" asked Croc, hopefully.
"Uh…no," said Ivy, slowly. "Not now or ever, Croc."
Croc looked puzzled. "But Emperor Joker said…"
"He's not the Emperor!" interrupted Ivy, furiously. "Just because he says he is doesn't make it true!"
"Sorry, Pammie, telling Croc that you'd sleep with him was the only way I could convince him to bring some fish back," said Clayface apologetically.
Ivy stared at him. "Well, I'm not doing that for breakfast," she snapped.
"You know, you really are selfish, Pammie," snapped Joker. "You won't do anything for the greater good, will you?"
"I won't sleep with Croc," snapped Ivy. "And I don't see you doing anything for the greater good, Emperor Joker!"
"Croc don't wanna sleep with me," retorted Joker. "And I've accepted the heavy burden of responsibility by agreeing to be Emperor. I've done my bit for the greater good."
"See, he is the Emperor…" began Croc.
"Look, can we not fight and just discuss this after we eat?" demanded Nygma. "I'm starving!"
"Yeah, get the fire going, Harvey – just keep it away from me," snapped Scarface.
"Um…Croc, I guess you didn't bring back anything other than fish, huh?" asked Harley. "Only I have this little problem with fish, y'see…"
"Then eat what you got," snapped Croc, as he brought the fish over to the fire. Harley looked at the bullet-riddled rodent and sighed, reaching for her knife.
"Honestly, Harl, it's like you've never skinned something before!" snapped Joker, grabbing the dead animal away from her half an hour later. The other rogues were enjoying their smoked fish while Harley was still trying to take the skin off the rodent, and Joker had lost his patience.
"It's a simple twist, snap, split, and rip," he explained. "Twist the body, snap the spine, split a hole around the skull, and rip the skin off," he said, demonstrating each step much to the disgust of the others present. "Also works for humans, although it's more fun if they're alive. And they don't taste as nice."
"You've eaten humans?" asked Ivy.
"Nope, but who knows what kinda extremes we're gonna be driven to on this planet?" asked Joker, shrugging. "Might as well be prepared! If we start by eating Croc, he'll last us a good while, and we'll have some skin to make shoes and handbags out of!"
"Why would we eat the person who can catch fish for us?" demanded Two-Face.
"Well, if Pammie keeps refusing him, he might get kinda upset, and we may have no choice," sighed Joker.
"If it comes to a vote, I vote for eating you," growled Ivy.
"Stupid idea, Pammie," said Joker, shaking his head. "I'm all skin and bones. No meat on me. Can't eat Clayface – he's made of clay. Scarface we can't eat, but he might do for firewood if we get desperate…"
"Why are you doing this, J?" demanded Ivy, interrupting him. "Stop scaring everyone and trying to cause trouble! We have to keep our heads in this place, and you're not helping!"
"I'm trying to be prepared for every eventuality, Pammie," retorted Joker. "Even the worst. I'm a man of vision, and that's why I'm the Emperor."
"No, what you are is a colossal pain in the ass!" shouted Ivy. "And I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd all be a lot happier if you just got lost! Go be Emperor if you wanna, but stay the hell away from us!"
Joker stared at her, hurt. "Fine, you bunch of ingrates," he sniffed, getting to his feet. "If that's the way you feel about your Emperor, you don't deserve to have me. Harley and I will just start our own civilization far away from here. We don't need you guys weighing us down. And someday, when you least expect it, we'll come back and kill you all. C'mon, Harley."
"Can we at least stay until the food is cooked, Mr. J…" began Harley.
"I said come on, Harley!" he shouted.
Harley sighed, taking the half-cooked animal and following him. "Yes, Mr. J," she murmured.
"Farewell, losers!" said Joker, waving. "And good luck surviving without your Emperor! I predict you'll be dead within the week!"
"I certainly hope you'll be!" shouted Ivy as Joker and Harley disappeared into the woods. "Good riddance," she muttered, sitting back down.
Crane cleared his throat. "Pamela, while I agree that it's best that Joker leaves, to throw Harley out into the wild like that seems rather barbaric…"
"She didn't have to go with him," interrupted Ivy. "She made her choice, and I think we all always knew it'd be him. I always knew, anyway."
She held back her tears and tried to concentrate on her food as silence descended upon the remaining inmates.
…
"Mr. J, doncha think we should go back?" asked Harley, quietly, as she followed the path Joker hacked through the undergrowth. "It's getting dark."
"I ain't going back to that bunch of losers," retorted Joker. "We don't need 'em, Harl."
"No," agreed Harley. "But, y'know…maybe we could all be friends again if we just apologized…"
"I don't apologize, Harley," he interrupted. "Especially when I ain't done anything wrong. All I've done is been a benevolent and kind leader to those people, and they don't appreciate it, so to hell with them. I hope a giant plant eats 'em all, starting with Pammie."
Harley sighed. "Well, can we at least sit down?" she asked, plopping down on a stone. "I'm tired."
Joker sat down next to her as they saw the twin suns sink below the trees and darkness approached. The jungle surrounding them began to hum with strange sounds and cries. "Kinda creepy out here, huh?" asked Harley, shivering.
"Yeah. Never been one for space travel," said Joker, nodding. "The reason all these alien worlds are so far away from us is because we ain't meant to be on 'em. I mean, if we were, we'd have been born with interstellar transporters, am I right? Or be able to fly through space like Superfreak."
"I guess," agreed Harley. "Do ya ever think that…maybe humans came from space originally? Like we're descended from a race of aliens or something? Like maybe if the Bible's true, Jesus was an alien, or they built the pyramids, or left behind crystal skulls with the Mayans, or…"
"What the hell are you talking about?" interrupted Joker.
"I dunno…just stuff you see on the History Channel," said Harley, shrugging.
Joker snorted. "Talk about a joke," he muttered. "I mean, people call me crazy, but I ain't got nothing on those conspiracy theory nuts."
"Yeah, but with the superheroes everywhere, it ain't the craziest possibility," said Harley. "I mean, if this planet's kinda like Earth only different, maybe it's possible we do come from outer space. Doncha ever wonder about stuff like that, Mr. J?"
Joker was silent. "I think we didn't come from anywhere," he muttered. "I think we're just characters invented by some guys ages ago, and put in story after story in an endless series of events for cheap entertainment and amusement, and that all our lives are basically futile and purposeless." Then he grinned. "And that's why you always gotta smile and laugh for the audience, baby!" he chuckled, kissing her. "Because all the world loves a clown!"
"Mr. J, stop creeping me out!" said Harley, shivering again. "I hate the idea that people are constantly watching us, like some characters in a TV show, waiting for the next disaster to strike!"
Joker kissed her again. "Then let's make 'em stop watching by boring 'em, sweets," he said. "Let's go find someplace to sleep."
Harley nodded, and Joker stood up, taking her hand. "Maybe we can cuddle into that nook in that tree over there," he said, pointing. They headed toward it, and screamed as the ground they were walking on suddenly gave way. The darkness and a pile of leaves had concealed a hole that they fell into, not deep enough to hurt, but too deep to climb out of.
"You ok, pooh?" called Joker, straightening up and dusting himself off.
"Yeah, Mr. J!" she called, struggling to her feet. "But what the heck is this doing here?"
"If I didn't know better, I'd say it's some kinda trap," said Joker, looking around. "But who'd put a trap out on an alien planet?"
"Uh…my guess is them," said Harley, nodding upward. Joker looked up to see a rim of torches surrounding the hole, held by shadowy figures in cloaks.
"Oh, great. Aliens," muttered Joker, as he and Harley both held up their hands. "I hate these guys."