Starry Night

by Annoret

Midnight Sun's missing second half - or at least my version of it! More Chapters to come. :D Please R&R and hopefully enjoy!

4. Chapter 4 Declarations

Starry Night is my attempt at the last half of Midnight Sun, Edwards' POV for Twilight. I have incorporated dialogue from the original, although I did add some of my own. This is the famous Meadow Scene. The First Kiss. (And the angels sing "Laaaa!") The first, pretty much, of everything. In other words - a LONG one. It's longer than the previous three chapters put together. Whew!

I will try and do it – and Edward - justice.

Of course, all things Twilight belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. More power to her.

Chapter 4: Declarations

At dawn, I reluctantly climbed soundlessly from Bella's window and ran home to shower and change. On the way, I noticed an odd, hollow feeling in my chest – as if something was missing. Part of my mind told me that it was fear – the fear that I would hurt her, kill her. But it did not feel like the same fear that had been riding me this week, since Alice's fifty/fifty prediction. Another part of my mind – a rapidly growing part - was egging me to go back and uncover that leg again, indeed to expose both legs and discover for myself if the skin felt as silky as it looked – as it had been doing much of the night. Once again, I banished the fantasy. However, I still couldn't identify this new, hollow feeling.

Carlisle was already gone to the hospital for the early shift. Esme was upstairs in her study, working on a new architecture project, and my siblings were…otherwise engaged. I quickly reined in my talent, trying to give them privacy. In this house, that was a feat. We couldn't exactly turn off vampiric hearing.

I cleaned up and chose clothing that was practical, wondering if I could talk Bella into letting me show her my chosen form of travel…but that would have to come later, if she – we – survived. I wasn't sure I could survive if she didn't. I was sure I wouldn't want to. The odd, hollow feeling swelled, but I still couldn't get a handle on it.

Arriving at her house at 8:00am I knocked on her door quietly, thinking about the cough syrup Bella had taken – part of me hoped that she wouldn't feel well and cancel this whole plan, despite Alice's vision. The other part of me worried that she'd hide any discomfort in order to carry through with it. And yet the largest part of me ached for her. My self-assigned role as vampire guardian angel needed some work.

After a minute of fumbling with the door locks, Bella threw it open and sighed.

Her scent hit me immediately, and I noted the difference – no aftertaste of drugs. I carefully looked at her face – a hint of flush, but no shadows under her eyes, no cloudiness. I smiled in relief. And then in amusement when I took in her outfit.

"Good morning". I couldn't keep the chuckle out of my voice.

"What's wrong?" she demanded, looking down at herself.

"We match." My laughter rang out. Her light tan sweater over a white shirt and jeans ensemble mirrored my choice for practical clothes today. Great minds? Of course, it looked much better on her, hugging her curves just right. She laughed with me.

Then I noticed…that odd hollow feeling was gone. Bella…filled it. I floated or walked – I wasn't sure which - to her truck, trying to get used to that. She occupied a part of me. Almost physically. Oh. My.

I was brought back to reality when I reached the truck. We still needed to get through today. If we could get through today. Starting with her driving. I waited while she locked the front door, and wore a patiently martyred expression. Bella understood it immediately.

"We made a deal," she said smugly, climbing into the driver's seat and unlocking my door. I got in. Reluctantly.

"Where to?" she asked curiously.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already." She threw me a look, but complied.

"Where to?" she repeated with a sigh.

"Take the one-o-one north."

Bella drove slowly through the streets of the sleeping town. I gazed at her for several moments, processing the fact that she was filling me, completing me in some way – and that I'd never realized I needed to be filled. She apparently noticed my attention and our speed dropped even lower.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I teased.

Indignantly, she replied, "This truck is old enough to be your cars' grandfather – have some respect." I grinned. I loved her little kitten anger. It reminded me of our bantering yesterday. How to get her to wink at me? As the lawns and houses of Forks dropped away, I devised plans to get this little – harmless – fantasy into reality. I gave her further directions when needed.

"Now we drive till the pavement ends."

"And what's there, where the pavement ends?" she wondered.

"A trail." Would she bail on this – me – now? She wasn't exactly Camping Girl.

"We're hiking?" She confirmed my thought, rising panic in her voice.

"Is that a problem?" I asked.

"No." My adorable little bad liar.

"Don't worry. It's only five miles or so, and we're not in any hurry."

Bella was silent for several moments, but her heart rate had increased somewhat. She was pensive, the little line of a frown just showing between her eyes. My patience, as usual of late, crumbled quickly.

"What are you thinking?" I had to wonder if she'd ever get sick of this particular question from me.

"Just wondering where we're going." Huh. I had a feeling that was a part of the truth. A small part. She was maddening.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." Chew on that, lady.

"Charlie said that it would be warm today," she said.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope."

I held out hope in the face of this, however. "But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?"

"No, I told her you'd canceled on me – which is true." Bella said it almost nonchalantly.

Within the space of one of her heartbeats, I was enraged.

"No one knows you're with me?!" I couldn't believe her! Had I been driving, I would have turned the vehicle right around and taken her home.

"That depends…I assume you told Alice?" she answered.

I growled, "That's very helpful Bella." She ignored my sarcasm.

"Are you so depressed by Forks you've become suicidal?" I demanded.

"You said it might cause trouble for you…us being together so publicly." Not quite meekly.

I reeled.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me – if you don't come home?" I couldn't keep the biting anger out of my voice. What was she thinking?! HOW am I to protect her if she won't even try to protect herself? Even a real guardian angel would have trouble with this girl! I realized belatedly that I was mumbling loud enough for her to hear something and clamped my mouth shut.

We drove the rest of the way in silence. However it was not silent in my brain - the dual voices arguing again. One seethed at her behavior and was in favor of taking her home, now, calling this whole thing off; the other arguing that it was too late – that she and I would eventually come to this crossroads again, since I couldn't leave her alone and we couldn't avoid it just by turning a car around. Effectually paralyzed, the second voice won by momentum. The momentum of the behemoth in which we rode.

The road ended with the small wooden marker, surrounded by trees. The trail continued on in much the same direction that the road had. The sun was still obscured by clouds, but they were thinning. Bella parked the beast on the shoulder and immediately stepped out. I watched her; she carefully didn't look at me, and took off the tan sweater, leaving her in a sleeveless white shirt. My mouth filled with venom. I swallowed it, trying not to think about the smooth skin of her arms. Her neck. Fury and desire warred in my brain, adding to my irritation with her. As I stepped out, I removed my sweater as well, feeling the mugginess, even if I weren't bothered by it. Spitefully, I thought, she's the one who wanted to see what I was in sunlight. I faced away from her, looking into the forest.

"This way," I said over my shoulder.

"No trail?" her voice skirled upwards desperately.

Turning towards her, I smiled mockingly. "I won't let you get lost."

I heard Bella's gasp when she saw my open shirt but her crestfallen expression made no sense. Was I that disappointing? My heart cringed and cracked. Who was I fooling? Of course I was. I was a monster. She could never love me as I loved her. She shouldn't. No matter how much I wanted her to.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked quietly, pain showing through. My eyes would be filling with tears now, were it possible.

She always surprised me. "No." She came around the truck to stand near me, despite her reaction to the sight of me.

"What's wrong?" I asked gently, trying to hide my own pain.

"I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient," she replied dully. I couldn't understand the dejection on her face, radiating in her body language. I wanted to shake the real answer out of her. I reined it in.

"I can be very patient – if I make a great effort." I smiled, trying to lift her spirits, get her to look at me so I could try and dazzle her again. It didn't work. Her answering smile was halfhearted at best.

"I'll take you home," I promised, thinking she'd get back into her truck with relief.

In a mood swing that put my recent emotional rollercoasters to shame, Bella answered. "If you want me to hack through five miles of jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she almost spat.

I stared at her uncomprehendingly. What? Sadness to acid in what, .04 seconds? I started worrying about the state of her mental health again. Was it hormonal? I was hyper aware of her menstrual cycle – which is an understatement. But the dates didn't seem to add up. Could she actually be suicidal? Her apparent carelessness regarding her safety today spoke to it, but Bella hadn't shown any other signs. She just looked at me expectantly. I gave up and allowed my feet to move us into the forest at her pace.

She wasn't having as hard a time as she'd thought she would. I watched carefully, of course, knowing her penchant for tripping on nothingness, but she was being careful as well. When we had to climb over fallen trees, I helped with a hand on her elbow, retaining my position as vampire guardian angel - and each time, I memorized the way her heart would race when our skin made contact, and how her skin felt under my fingers. I released her as quickly as possible, although the sensation stayed with me for long afterwards. A small part of me argued it was fear that made her heart race, but I could find no trace of it in her lovely face. In fact, what I saw there seemed to mirror my own feelings.

No. I was projecting. I was imagining it. Seeing what I wanted to.

To break this tension, I returned to my million-and-one questions; there were still many things I didn't know – and the curiosity was raging. Maybe one of these questions would solve the mystery – the mystery of what caused this little slip of a girl to even attempt a relationship with a vampire.

Did she like her teachers? Had they encouraged her bright mind like they should have? Had her birthdays been celebrations as they ought to have been? Had she had pets? Bella admitted to killing three fish and giving up on pet ownership. I laughed, bringing a genuine smile to her face. There, that was better. A knot of tension in my chest loosened. I decided to just enjoy her company for now. I would enjoy the not-hollow feeling.

It was a few hours before I noted a change in the light coming through the canopy of branches overhead, then after a few moments, the buttery yellow brightness, like the light at then end of a murky tunnel. My meadow would be ablaze with color and light – just right. This was my favorite place, where I lapped up solitude when I needed it, where no one's thoughts touched me. Could I handle Bella being here alone with me? I hoped that she would find it just as enchanted as I did, that we could share it. I hoped like hell we could share it after today as well.

A little while later Bella noted the change in the light as well, her human eyes catching what I'd caught a while ago. Her eyes lit up, although she assumed a scowl for my benefit.

"Are we there yet?" she asked impatiently. I smirked a bit.

"Nearly. Do you see the brightness ahead?"

"No," Bella frowned, peering through the trees.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes," I teased gently.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she grumbled. My smirk widened.

We walked on, and her steps became quicker with eagerness, as she finally caught the brightness ahead and I let her lead. The closer we got, the more anxious I became. Would she look at me with revulsion? Fear? Would she run when she saw me exposed to the sun? If she did, could I control the predatory instinct within and not chase her down? The swirling thoughts and worries caused me to hang back when she reached the edge of my jewel-like meadow.

Bright sunshine greeted her as Bella stepped into the perfectly round space, bordered by ferns and trees. White, violet and yellow wildflowers and long grass stirred a little in the warm, gentle breeze. The sun was at zenith, and would show her everything about me. I moved around the clearings' edge, and watched her slowly walk almost to the center and turn, taking it all in with an awed expression on her face. Various emotions flew through me. Relief and love – she liked it. A lot, it seemed. Fear – could I do this? Was I strong enough? Chagrin - should I do this?

Bella turned then, looking for me, but I'd moved away, and now stood off to her left. She searched a little wildly for me then found me standing within the trees still. Smiling, took a step towards me holding out her hand, beckoning me to join her. I raised a hand in warning. She made no further movement towards me. Was I ready for this? I took a deep, unneeded breath. I listened for her heart beat, and let it set my pace.

Time to walk the tightrope. I took my first step on it, and walked slowly towards her.

When the sun touched my face, Bella gasped and her eyes widened. I slowly walked to her side, watching her reactions carefully, judging my own feelings and control. My skin threw refracted light against the trees around us. I knew I was glowing palely. I felt like the freak I was.

Her heart surged, trying to win a never-ending race. Silently, we sat on the grass, a few feet apart. For long moments, all we did was look at one another. I saw no revulsion in her eyes. It gave me hope.

"So, you like it, then?" I asked quietly.

Without looking around, Bella nodded. She'd not taken her eyes from me once yet, and seemed to struggle not to blink. I refrained from reminding her. Her heart had quieted to normal.

I took a deep breath, savoring and memorizing the scent of this place with her in it now. The monster did not rear his head – as quiet as he'd been since that first night in her room. The thirst tore my throat, but it was still manageable. I allowed myself to relax in this space that I'd claimed for my own, falling onto my back softly and closing my eyes. I contemplated the not-hollow feeling for some time. Bella's presence had filled it perfectly. Pieces of love songs floated through my head and I sang them to her, but not loud enough for her to hear, thinking – fearing, really - that she'd find it…clichéd. She caught my lips moving once and asked me about it. I admitted to singing – only part of the truth, yet she didn't press for details. Perhaps she didn't want to know.

Then she touched me.

I opened my eyes, and watched her face as she watched her finger trace along the back of my hand and fingers very slowly. The warmth left tingling in its wake. I remembered all of my nights in her room, the last few days in the dark Biology classroom, wanting to do similar things to her. But not trusting myself. Knowing that it would just lead to wanting more. And more was dangerous. But now… I suddenly found it easy to let her touch me like this. I wallowed happily in her ministrations. I realized that part of walking the tightrope would be this – simple human contact. From the not-so-simple human. More would too dangerous – but this seemed almost too easy. She looked up into my eyes and I smiled tentatively.

"I don't scare you?" I asked playfully, although I really wanted a serious answer.

"No more than usual," she answered, and my smile was reflected in her warm eyes.

She took my relaxation as an opportunity to inch closer and began exploring my forearm with her trembling fingertips. I closed my eyes, just enjoying the tingles she brought out in me – the human reactions that stirred within. The monster stayed quiet.

"Do you mind?" she asked, hope in her voice.

"No." Mind? Please - don't stop. "You can't imagine how it feels." I almost groaned. She traced patterns along my arm now, outlining my muscles there, exploring the crease at my elbow, following my useless vein patterns. I kept my eyes closed, thinking about my own fantasies of touching her. It'd been my fingers and palms that had ached to explore her – how would her fingers feel against them? It seemed she had the same wish – she moved her other hand to turn mine over. Without thought, eager for the sensation, I flipped it too quickly, startling her, freezing her fingers in place, her heart catching for a fraction of a beat.

"Sorry," I murmured. She looked at me as I closed my eyes. "It's too easy to be myself with you." I'd have to watch that. No mistakes. Was this – letting her touch me like this - a mistake? I couldn't find it within me to think so. As long as I was careful. As long as more was guarded against. Human contact. Within boundaries. I'd have to define them for us…soon.

Bella relaxed again, and returned to exploring my arm. She turned it, and brought it closer to her face. I felt her gentle warm breath on it, expanding the ever-present tingling.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I whispered urgently, needing to know what was going through her head. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

She smirked a tiny bit. "You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be one of 'the rest of us'. "It's a hard life. But you didn't tell me."

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she trailed off.

"And?" I encouraged.

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I weren't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid." The truth. I wished with all my cold heart that there was no reason for her to be afraid. But there was.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

What else could she be afraid of? After all my dire warnings, didn't it get through to her? I quickly – too quickly – sat up. Our faces were just inches apart. I stared deeply into her chocolate eyes.

"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered urgently. I expected her to lean back away from me, to think about her answer.

Instead, she leaned closer and inhaled deeply, eyes half lidded.

My mouth flooded with venom and I exploded away from her, ripping my hand from hers in the process. Alice's vision - this is what she'd shown me. For all that I'd tried to be on guard, Bella slipped under it. What was she thinking? I was a vampire, for goodness sake! I watched her warily from the edge of the clearing. Shock and hurt showed clear on her face. A completely different part of my brain was suddenly gleeful. She wanted me to kiss her! I wrestled it to the background again. Her safety came first. I analyzed the last ten seconds or so…I'd sat up and whispered…breathing on her, with her face so close…my fault. In that instance, her expectations combined with my actions…I should have known better. Especially with my warning. But I'd been so relaxed – distracted by Bella's touch. It was still my fault.

She, of course, didn't see it that way.

"I'm…sorry…Edward," Bella whispered miserably.

"Give me a moment." I swallowed the venom. I had to digest her reactions, her…impulses, so that I could plan for them, prepare for them. I was a beautiful trap, after all. She could not get ensnared. I had to walk this tightrope.

After a moment, I walked slowly back towards her and sat about five feet away. I felt an almost unendurable mixture of elation and fear, and it was only just subsiding. Anything at this point would damage my control.

"I am so very sorry," I said, then hesitated. How to explain my sudden oversight and mistake? I needed to return us to the lightheartedness we'd shared earlier. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I smiled at her.

She nodded once, but the adrenaline was coursing through her veins, and her face was flushed. She was embarrassed, feeling guilty for my lack of restraint. It tore at me. The beautiful trap. My self-contempt rose to the surface. It began fraying my already tenuous control.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" Suddenly, I needed to move –away. From her. I ran around half the meadow in half a second, and stopped beneath the tree I'd just been under a few moments ago.

"As if you could outrun me," I laughed self-mockingly. I reached up with one hand, ripping a branch two-foot thick and ten-feet long from the tree and balanced it in my palm. Needing more physical outlet for the self-hatred, I threw it into another tree. Cracking sounds echoed around us. Looking at Bella, noting her racing heart and I flew towards her, stopping only a few feet away.

"As if you could fight me off," I said gently, my tone belying my inner turmoil. She saw this, too, as she always saw too much. Her chocolate eyes were wide with fear, her face pale with it.

Fear that I'd put there. Fear that hadn't existed till I'd lost control. I couldn't take the look in her eyes, knowing that had if it had been someone else that had caused her to be afraid, I'd cheerfully rip their head off.

But I'd caused it. It grounded me.

"Don't be afraid," I almost begged her softly. "I promise…" Knowing now what fear of me looked like in her eyes, on her face, I was able to make this vow. I took a deep breath. "I swear not to hurt you."

She watched me carefully, her heart rate slowly returning to normal. Her body language continued to radiate tension, however.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered. I slowly sank to the ground beside her again, hoping she'd understand, accept me again.

"Please forgive me. I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

Bella didn't answer. I was bungling this again.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked. Please wink back!

Finally, she laughed. It was shaky and breathless, but it was a laugh. I allowed myself an inner sigh of relief.

Tenderly, I asked, "Are you all right?" and slowly placed my hand back in hers. I begged her with my eyes, forgive me, don't turn away.

She looked into my eyes, then at my hand in hers. Carefully, her fingers traced mine again. Then she looked back at me and smiled timidly. YES! I smiled back with everything in my heart. Her eyes widened and her heart beat stuttered. And her smile broadened.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked.

"I can't honestly remember."

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason." I felt ashamed, although I smiled for her.

"Oh, right." She looked down.

"Well?" I encouraged.

And was met with a wall of silence. She continued to trace patterns on my palm. Seconds ticked by.

I sighed. "How easily frustrated I am."

Bella looked at me finally for a moment, her thoughts shrouded as usual and took a deep breath.

"I was afraid…because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She dropped her gaze back to my hand as she spoke.

"Yes…That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's not really in your best interest." But it was in mine. Stay with me. It was the tightrope I was willing – eager – to walk to be with her throughout her human life. The other options…weren't compelling right now.

Bella frowned at my words.

"I should have left long ago," I sighed. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." I've already tried to stay away, tried to ignore you. It was too hard, I don't have the strength yet…So much more I wanted to tell her. I remembered the beautiful trap, however.

"I don't want you to leave," Bella mumbled.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad." Bella said.

"Don't be!" I took my hand from hers. Reluctantly. But she had to be made to understand! "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget that I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." Abruptly I realized I'd not mentioned this particular problem to her – the problem of her scent, its' affect on me. I always said too much to her. After ninety years of keeping secrets, apparently I was spilling them every other day now. I stared into the forest.

She was quiet for a moment, fostering an absurd hope in me that she'd ignore my last remark.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part, anyway."

I knew it'd been a foolish hope. I smiled at her, at my own ridiculousness. My love was too smart for me.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again?...hmmm." I placed my hand back in hers, needing her touch now. It served to center me, in a way that I'd never suspected possible. She held it tightly in both of hers, warmth spreading, sending molten fire up my arm and into my body.

"That's amazingly pleasurable, the warmth," I sighed. If she only knew…

I pulled my thoughts away from what I was beginning to identify as the naughty downtown district of my mind – a group of brain cells I'd long since forgotten about - and tried to explain to Bella her particular hold and pull on me. I went for an obvious analogy.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate" - I love your chocolate eyes - "ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy – I couldn't think of another way to explain."

Bella smiled. I couldn't help but smile back. I decided to stay away from food comparisons.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass full of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma – how do you think he'd fare then?"

We looked at each other for a moment in silence. Her eyes remained questioning. Maybe the alcoholic reference couldn't resound with her. No experience with it.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're trying to say is, I'm your brand of heroin?" My quick girl got it – and turned it lighthearted. For me. I smiled hugely.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?" she wondered. I looked away into the trees, needing to find an objective, non-threatening way to answer this.

"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I realized that this may disturb her – and I didn't want her to fear my family too much. A very healthy respect, yes. Paralyzing fear, no.

"Sorry," I said, glancing at her.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I took a deep breath and studied the sky. Her generosity was boundless. I was grateful for it – and undeserving of it. Her hands continued to warm mine, and I shamelessly let her be my lifeline.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as"- what? Mouthwatering? Tempting? Delicious? No, no food terms – "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other." Don't let her ask what happened then, please, I prayed.

"And for you?" she asked curiously.

"Never."

The word hung there for a long moment in the warm breeze. Her warmth was leeched away by my hand.

"What did Emmett do?" Damn. Well, what good would prayers do for something like me anyway? I clenched my hand into a fist inside hers, and refused to answer.

"I guess I know." I heard no condemnation in her voice, but…

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" I pleaded for forgiveness, expecting none.

"What are you asking? My permission?" Bella misunderstood. The sharpness of her voice caught at me, tore at me. "I mean, is there no hope then?" She ended almost resignedly.

"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought. I met her eyes squarely. I needed to redeem my brother – and myself. "It's different for us. Emmett…these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as…practiced, as careful, as he is now."

I watched her face intently, trying to decipher every little movement of muscle, every blink of an eye. She thought hard about this for a moment.

"So if we'd met…oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off. I knew where that trail was headed, however. Somewhere dark.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and"- I broke off and couldn't look at her anymore. I couldn't chance seeing revulsion or more fear in her eyes. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years"- Bella didn't need to know specifics – "I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." I scowled at the trees, not wanting to continue this particular trail. But she needed to see the dark. That's why we were here. Grimly, I glanced at her.

"You must have thought I was possessed." I thought - hoped - I'd scared her off, then.

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…" she replied.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin" – that still came off her skin in waves mixed with sunlight now – "I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

I glanced at her, expecting to see disbelief. Instead, Bella seemed…floored. I looked intently into her eyes, needing her to know this bitter truth about me. We were beautiful, seductive for a reason. The beautiful trap.

"You would have come."

"Without a doubt," she answered, a bit of quaver to her voice.

I dropped my eyes to our hands, frowning. I unclenched my fist. She didn't let go. I hung onto that. I'd shown her the trap. She was my lifeline now.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with."

Bella shivered, apparently realizing belatedly how close we'd both come to destruction. I went on.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew that something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

Bella stared at me, wide-eyed. She'd not realized that, at the time, I'd been planning a permanent departure.

"I traded cars with him – he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" The pain I'd caused them with my departure rebounded onto me, my mother's being the worst. And the upheaval we'd been going through since then…I didn't deserve my family, and they didn't deserve to live in the uncertainty I'd brought them.

My voice betrayed my cowardice and weakness. "By the next morning, I was in Alaska. I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl"- I had to grin at her – "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" Did I regret it? I couldn't find it within myself to. Because the hollow was filled.

Bella was silent.

"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual, before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it." As I was about most things. A sin. Another mark against me.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind" - shallow, vain, empty-headed - "her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that . And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I frowned, knowing that apart from eavesdropping on her dreams, I never would know if Bella really meant what she said.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk to you just like any other person. I was eager, actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions…and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…" As it continues to stun me after every one of my separations from you.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment – because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her'." I closed my eyes against the memory – even then, I couldn't let her go. Now…

"In the hospital?" Bella asked faintly.

I opened my eyes to look at her. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power – you, of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched at the word. Whoops. I went on quickly to get past that gaffe. "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me and Alice." I grimaced at the reason why Alice had sided with me. But I was walking that tightrope - I would force the visions to change. "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I shook my head at that memory of my mother – along with Carlisle, we were her lifeline.

"All that next day I eavesdropped on all the minds of everyone who spoke to you, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far away from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair…it hit me as hard as that very first day." I met her eyes and gazed into them tenderly.

"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here – with no witnesses and nothing to stop me – were I to hurt you."

"Why?" Timid Bella.

"Isabella." With my free hand, I ruffled her hair playfully but very gently. It was such a judgment – I would have to get used to these human gestures, and needed to get acquainted with how much force I couldn't use. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." Alice's vision skated through my head, and I glanced down in shame – it'd been a strong possibility. "The thought of you still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable." I slowly lifted my face to look at her again, and took a breath. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

There. I'd said it. Bared my heart. It belonged to her anyway.

Bella glanced down at our hands, and I watched her, I listened to her.

I waited.

"You already know how I feel, of course," she almost whispered after a lifetime. "I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Yes, a dead heart can soar. Mine is proof.

"You are an idiot," I laughed and she joined me, looking into my eyes. The sheer incredibleness made us giddy, and we laughed for a long moment at ourselves, before it spluttered out.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," I murmured softly. Bella glanced away, a pretty blush spreading across her cheek.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." I looked away into the depths of the forest. My family was right – I never did anything the easy way.

"Why?..." Bella began then stopped.

"Yes?" I looked back at her and smiled – any question from her would let me learn more about how her mind worked.

"Tell me why you ran from me before." My smile faded.

"You know why," I said.

""No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example"- she stroked the back of my hand, sending tingles of electricity through me – "seems to be all right."

I smiled. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." I should have seen this coming – after her insistence on being alone with me today – without anyone in her life being aware of it. Her tendency to try to lift burdens – my burdens - made me ache.

"Well…it was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled my our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I stopped myself right there, tensed then glanced at her to see if the fear had returned.

She would never stop surprising me. "Okay, then," she flippantly said, tucking her chin down. "No throat exposure."

I laughed at her, appreciating the lightening of our conversation, covering another of my gaffes. "No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I raised my hand slowly and laid it on the side of her neck very gently. Human gestures. She brought back to me both my buried memories of them and the desire for them. Her pulse and warmth beat against my skin, and the naughty downtown district of my brain, which had been on blackout for a long while now, came back to sudden life with a cheer. I shushed it. And then tackled the impulse to slide my hand along Bella's neck, just to feel its texture against my skin.

Keeping my hand still, I said, "You see. Perfectly fine."

Bella blushed again, her heart rate increasing under my hand. I searched her face and eyes for the cause – fear? Embarrassment? Excitement? I realized her heart was racing. Another cheer resounded from the red light district.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I murmured. My lifeline…my lifeline…I chanted my internal mantra, knowing that I had to show her what I could take, and how to go about being with me and I had to learn this, as well – even if only in a very limited way. I freed my other hand from hers, and brushed her cheek, then held her face in my hands, as I'd been wanting to do for….well, it felt like forever – and I had been waiting for her for almost a century. I just never realized it till now.

"Be very still," I whispered, warning her to let me take this time, to not surprise me with any movement. I leaned forward very carefully, watching her eyes, until I turned my head and lay my cheek against the hollow of her throat, still holding her face with my hands. We stayed like this a long moment, just touching. When I was sure we could handle it, trust one another to take this slow, I gave into the impulse and slid my hands to her neck. It was softer and silkier than I'd expected. The red light crowd held its collective breath. I tamped down the impulse to repeat the motion as Bella shivered and I stopped breathing. Would she draw away? No, no movement on her part even suggested she thought about it. My hands continued to move till they rested on her shoulders. I slowly turned my head, skimming my nose along her collarbone, analyzing intricately the sensation of her skin against it. I rested my head against her racing heart.

I listened in bliss, a happy sigh escaping my lips. No increase to the burn in my throat. I breathed again. Her heart steadied and slowed after a few minutes. I was tied to it now, like the tides and the moon.

We stayed like this for too long – and not nearly long enough. I could not think of anything else except that I was touching her. At last. The red light crowd cheered.

Eventually, I raised my head and dropped my hands from her shoulders – reluctantly. I tried to think of the last time I felt this relaxed – and couldn't.

"It won't be so hard again," satisfaction lining every word I said.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be." The worst part was releasing her. "And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad…for me." I caught the slight inflection.

"You know what I mean." I smiled. She returned it.

"Here." I took her hand in mine and placed her palm against my cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?" Can you see what changes you've brought about in me, love?

Bella's eyes widened, her pupils dilated and she whispered, "Don't move." I went still and closed my eyes.

She traced my face with the same careful study she'd given my hand and arm earlier. Bella's fingers left trails of warmth and tingling over my cheeks, my nose and eyelids. She gently explored the shadows under my eyes and finally, oh so lightly, traced my lips. Without my consent, they parted under her touch and I exhaled, wallowing in tenderness. And need. The red light district in my head roared with approval. She slowly dropped her hand. I opened my eyes. Meeting hers intently, I heard her heart begin galloping.

"I wish…I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand." Never before I had come this close to stuttering. I slowly raised my hand and gently and carefully brushed her hair across her face, wanting more, so much more, but not allowing it.

"Tell me," barely a whispered breath, thrilling me – and the red light crowd.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though"- I smiled crookedly – "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely."

"But…" I raised my hand again, giving in once more to the impulse and trailed my fingertips across her perfect lips oh, so lightly. The red light crowd went wild. My fingers went wild. Bella shivered. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand that better than you think." Bella admitted sheepishly.

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

"For me?" she paused. "No, never. Never before this."

The only one she'd said yes to.

I clasped her hands within mine, memorizing the bones, the texture of her fingers, the size of her palms. Her fragility.

"I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can," I confessed sadly.

This time she leaned forward slowly, holding my eyes with hers, letting me know she was taking time for me. She placed her cheek against my cold, hard chest, and I felt her warm breath against my skin. I wished I had a heart she could listen to.

"This is enough," she sighed against me. The tenderness took hold of my chest, squeezing, expanding – I couldn't decipher which. I lifted my arms and encircled her, and lowered my face to press against her soft hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she pointed out. I smiled into her hair.

"I have human instincts – they may be buried deep, but they're there." And broiling slowly to my surface. Drawn to her.

Again, we sat for a long time, and I reveled in the fact that I could hold her, touch her. Only later did I wonder at myself – my thirst for her didn't cross my mind at all.

The afternoon was waning when she sighed.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she almost huffed.

"It's getting clearer." I smiled into her silky hair again. I took her gently by the shoulders and held her away from me. If we had to go, it was the least I could do to get her home quickly.

"Can I show you something?" I grinned.

"Show me what?" Bella asked carefully.

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." She looked at me dubiously. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned crookedly at her. Much faster than the three hour hike it took us to get here this morning.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

A roaring laugh burst from me. We must've missed that one on the way home from Port Angeles last week. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time." Still wary.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." She still hesitated. I looked into her face, and read a flurry of emotions. Not fear, but anxiety, no revulsion, but doubt. I reached for her, and her heart reacted. I smiled and slung her onto my back. She clung for dear life – it was a good thing I was nearly impervious. My smile turned into a grin.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," Bella tried warning me.

I rolled my eyes and snorted, "Hah!" Her weight was a feather.

I took one of her hands from the choke hold around my neck and pressed her palm to my face, inhaling deeply, welcoming the familiar scorch.

"Easier all the time," I murmured.

And then I ran.

Five miles – just under five minutes for me. Just long enough to consider several thousand times the idea that Jessica had inadvertently planted in my head earlier this week – which I'd rejected then. Not that the insidious fantasy had been purged. But today…things had changed. And with what happened earlier…I replayed the scene in my head again. Bella's face – lips - so close to mine, half-lidded eyes, inhaling my breath…and her own reaction to Jessica's questions earlier this week about me…at that time, I'd rejected the idea that Bella would want to be anywhere near my teeth. I couldn't, now, persuade myself that I'd been correct. I reasoned with logic; I'd touched her without harming her. My fingers remembered the texture, the shape and softness of Bella's lips…her fingers had traced mine. This picture, I decided, was incomplete. And - I justified it further – human contact included safe kisses. It could – perhaps - be included within the boundaries.

I'd noted Bella's heart beat throughout our trip back – I expected it to race and wasn't disappointed. I reluctantly stopped near her truck. She continued to cling to me, heart spluttering.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked.

No answer. Heart fluttering crazily. Uh oh.

"Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped out.

"Oh, sorry." I felt a bit foolish. I should have remembered her admonishments about speed when I was driving. I waited for her to release me and find her feet. But her arms and legs remained clamped about me.

"I think I need help," she breathlessly admitted.

Chuckling, I gently pulled her arms free and pulled her around into the cradle of my arms. For a moment, all I could think of was carrying her like this across a threshold…and another plan began to shape itself in the corner of my mind. I bordered that corner off…for now. It was way too soon to consider that. The brain cells in that protected corner continued to stubbornly percolate.

I gently set Bella on a fern. "How do you feel?" I asked.

"Dizzy, I think."

"Put your head between your knees," I ordered her. For once, she complied. I sat beside her, not touching her – I didn't want to make it worse.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I noted. But her heart was more steady now, and her breathing was returning to normal.

"No, it was very interesting."

I rolled my eyes. Interesting enough to almost induce vomiting, apparently. "Hah! You're white as a ghost – no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she admitted.

"Remember that next time," I suggested.

"Next time!" she groaned.

I couldn't help but laugh. I have to get used to human gestures, she'd have to get used to vampiric speed. And compliments.

Of course, I might just enjoy the human gestures more that she enjoyed the speed. Hmmm. Our earlier success at closeness spurred me on. I soundlessly moved to kneel in front of her, our faces just as close as they'd been before she'd surprised me a few hours ago.

"Show off," Bella muttered, eyes still closed.

"Bella, open your eyes."

Melted chocolate eyes met mine with a small start of surprise at my proximity. But she didn't move away.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I paused, wondering, just how do you ask a girl for a kiss?

"About not hitting the tress, I hope." She distracted me, as was her wont.

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show off," she murmured again. I grinned.

"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." Carefully, I cupped her face in my hands again. She stopped breathing.

I hesitated. Could I do this? Did this fall into the dangerous more category? Could I just feel the texture of her lips against mine? And not wake the monster, who'd been asleep since that momentous night in her room? I felt for my control…Yes. I was acclimated enough to her scent at the moment. No increased burn touched me, no thirst reared up. The red light district held its breath again.

I carefully leaned in and pressed my closed lips against hers. For a fraction of a second I was transported. All my focus was on my lips, her small, perfect mouth and the softness of her plump lips. So this is heaven…

I never stopped to consider if her control was as tightly leashed as mine.

Bella gasped, and her hands flew up to knot in my hair, pulling herself into me. Her lips burned with sudden fire and parted against mine, and…oh!...The sudden hunger pummeled me – the hunger of a man. The red light district crowed with victory. But that hunger brought with it the burn, the thirst. The venom.

NO.

Reminding myself that her face was fragile, I firmly but gently pushed her away from me. A few inches. I watched her warily as she opened her eyes.

"Oops," her sweet breath fanned toward me. I stopped inhaling and swallowed the venom in my mouth.

"That's an understatement." I was frozen. The red light district brain cells were taunting me with catcalls and insults, my throat felt scorched and...God help me, but I wanted to do it again.

"Should I…" Bella tried to pull back, but I still had her face firmly in my hands. I couldn't let her move – either forward or away. Either would shatter me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." My tone was even, controlled. Unlike the swirling going on in my chest. I allowed her chocolate eyes, filled with concern for me, calm the maelstrom. I realized that although the thirst had fired my throat once more, the monster remained asleep.

The maelstrom departed. It left mischief in its wake. I felt like Alice.

"There," I said, smiling. A strange little imp was dancing a jig in my head, chanting "I did it! I did it!"

"Tolerable?" Bella confirmed. Later I would wonder…what woman wants to be told she's tolerable? It's not exactly complimentary. At the time, however, I was too relieved to have her unharmed. To have the monster remain asleep.

I laughed at myself. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

"You are only human, after all," I teased.

"Thanks so much," she replied acidly. Tiger-kitten Bella.

I rose quickly and held a hand out to her, ecstatic that I'd be allowed to act the part of a gentleman from now on. I could offer her an arm, insist that I open her car door and hand her out, hold her hand as we walked through school. That thought brought to mind images of Newton's reaction to that. I hid an evil grin, and another wave of giddiness overtook me. Bella took my hand and stood unsteadily.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I laughed at myself. It's not like I'd had any practice.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she replied. "I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" she protested.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," the imp in me taunted. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure you do, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it," she retorted.

"Some trust, please, Bella."

She stuck her hand in her pocket, making a fist and deliberated for all of two seconds.

"Nope. Not a chance." Stubborn Bella..

She skirted around me towards the driver's side door – or at least tried to. Her balance was still off and she wobbled on unsteady legs. I captured her waist in my arm, stopping her.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friend drive drunk." I chuckled, intoxicated by her body's closeness to mine. The red light crowd lit up.

"Drunk?" she objected strenuously.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." The imp took over my mouth, using my own thoughts.

"I can't argue with that," Bella sighed. She pulled out the key and dropped it – my hand moved too fast for her eye to see to catch it. She continued, "Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible."

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" she asked in an irked voice.

She had no idea what she did to me. She had an inkling, now, of the effect she had on the vampire. She still had no clue what she did to the man. I couldn't answer with words right then. I gazed softly into her warm eyes, dazzled again. I bent my face towards hers and turning, brushed my lips slowly along her jaw, from ear to chin, reveling in the smooth texture of her skin, the scent coming off of her. Back and forth. She trembled within the circle of my arm.

"Regardless," I found the words I needed. "I have better reflexes."