Book of Mormon
Hello
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Hello!
My name is Elder Price
and I would like to share with you
the most amazing book.
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Hello!
My name is Elder Grant.
It's a book about America
a long, long time ago.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
It has
So many awesome parts
you simply won't believe
how much this book can change your life.
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
Hello!
My name is Elder Green
I would like to share with you
this book of Jesus Christ.
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
Hello!
My name is Elder Young
LUXEMBOURG/ELDER HARRIS:
Hello!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
Did you know that Jesus
Lived here in the U.S.A.?
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
You can
Read all about it now!
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
Hello!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
In this nifty book, it's free!
No, you don't have to pay!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
Hello!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
Hello!
My name is Elder Smith!
And can I leave this book with you
for you to just peruse?
ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:
Hello!
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
Hello!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
Hello!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
Ill just leave it here.
It has a lot of information you can really use!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Hello!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
Hi!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
My name is-
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
Jesus Christ!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
You have a lovely home!
FINLAND/ELDER CROSS:
Hello!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
It's an amazing book!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
Bonjour!
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
Hello!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
Ni hao!
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
Me llamo Elder White!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Are these your kids?
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
This book gives you the secret
to eternal life!
VENZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
Sound good?
ALL:
Eternal life!
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
With Jesus Christ!
ALL:
Is super fun!
ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:
Hello!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
Ding dong!
ALL:
And if you let us in,
Well show you how it can be done!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
No thanks?
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
You sure?
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Oh, well.
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
That's fine.
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Goodbye!
ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:
Have fun in hell.
AUSTRIA and FINLAND/ ELDER GRANT and ELDER CROSS:
Hey now!
ALL:
You simply won't believe how much
this book will change your life,
this book will change your life,
and this book will change your life!
This book will change your life;
this book will change your life!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
HELLO! Would you like to change religions?! I have a free book written by Jesus!
VOICE:
NO, NO, ELDER CUNINNGHAM!
That's NOT how we do it! You're making things up again!
JUST STICK TO THE APPROVED DIALOGUE.
Elders, show him!
ELDERS:
Hello!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Hello...
ELDERS:
My name is:
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Elder Cunningham!
ELDERS:
And we would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Hello!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Hello!
FRANCE and NETHERLANDS/ELDER GREEN and ELDER YOUNG:
Ding dong!
SPAIN and ROMANO/ELDER WHITE and ELDER BROWN:
Height ho!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
Just take this book!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
It's free!
ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:
For you!
ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:
For me!
ELDERS:
You see?
You simply won't believe
how much this book will change
your life!
(Hello!)
This book will change your life!
This book will change your life!
(Hello!)
This book will change-
-So you won't burn in-
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
Hell...O!
ELDERS:
You're gonna die someday!
But if you read this book you'll see
that there's' another way.
Spend eternity
with friends and family.
We can fully guarantee you that
this book will change your life!
(Hello!)
This book will change your life!
(Hello!)
This book will change your life!
The book of Mormon!
(Mormon!)
Hello!
-
Two by Two
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The most important time of Mormon
Kid's life
is his mission.
A chance to go out
and help heal the world,
that's my mission.
Soon I'll be off in a different place,
helping the whole human race.
I know my mission will be
something incredible!
VOICE:
Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. ELDER YOUNG!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
Yes sir!
VOICE:
Your mission brother will be... Elder Grant!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
That- That's me! Hey brother!
VOICE:
And your mission location will be... NORWAY!
NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:
Oh wow, NORWAY!
AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:
Land of gnomes... and trolls!
ALL:
Hoo wah!
Hey ya!
Shoo wah!
Zadup WOW!
NETHERLANDS and AUSTRIA/ELDER YOUNG and ELDER GRANT:
Two by two,
we're marching door to door
Cause God loves Mormons,
and he wants some more!
A two year mission is our sacrifice!
We are the army of the church of
Jesus Christ!
ALL:
...Of Latter-day Saints!
Two by two,
And today we'll know
Who we'll make the journey with
And where we'll go
We're fighting for a cause,
But we're really really nice!
We are the army of the Church
Of Jesus Christ!
... Of Latter-day Saints!
VOICE:
Elder White and Elder Smith!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
I KNEW we'd get paired together!
VOICE:
Your location will be... FRANCE!
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
FRANCE! Land of Pastries and Turtlenecks!
VENEZIANO and SPAIN/ELDER SMITH and ELDER WHITE:
Two by two
I guess it's you and me
We're off the preach
Across land and sea!
SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:
Satan has a hold of France!
VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:
We need to knock him off his perch!
VENEZIANO and SPAIN/ELDER SMITH and ELDER WHITE:
We are the soldiers of the army
Of the church!
ALL:
Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
VOICE:
Elder Cross and Elder Green! You will
Be serving in... Japan!
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
Ooh! JAPAN!?
FINLAND/ELDER CROSS:
Land of Soy Sauce!
FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:
And Mothra!
VOICE:
Elder Harris and Elder Brown!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Heavenly Father,
Where will I go on my mission?
ELDERS:
On my mission...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Will it be China,
Or ol' Mexico on my mission?
ELDERS:
My mission...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
It could be San Fran by the bay,
Australia where they say "G'day!"
But I pray I'm sent
To my favourite place...
ORLANDO!
ELDERS:
Orlando...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I love you,
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE and ELDERS:
Orlando!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
SeaWorld and Disney! And
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE and ELDERS:
Putt-putt
Golfing!
VOICE:
Elder Price!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Yes sir!
VOICE:
Your brother will be... Elder Cunningham!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! Hello!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Oh, hi!
VOICE:
And your mission location is... UGANDA!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
...Uganda?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
UGANDA! COOL! WHERE IS THAT...?!
VOICE:
Africa!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
OH BOY! Like Lion King!
ALL:
Two by two,
And now it's time to go!
Our paths have been revealed,
So let's start the show!
Our shirts are clean and pressed,
And our haircuts are precise!
We are the army of the church
Of Jesus...
CHRIST!
Two by two,
We march for victory!
Armed with the greatest book
In history!
We'll convert everyone
All across the planet Earth!
That is the beauty of...
The essence of...
The purpose of-
The mission of-
The soldiers of-
The army of the Church
Of Jesus Christ!
...of Latter-Day Saints!
-
You and Me (But Mostly Me)
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I've always had the hope
That on the day I go to heaven,
Heavenly Father will shake my hand and say:
"You've done an AWESOME job, Kevin!"
Now its our time to go out...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
My best friend...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
And set that worlds people free!
And we can do it together,
You and me-
But mostly me!
You and me-but mostly me
Are gonna change the world forever.
Cause I can do most anything!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
And I can stand next to you and WATCH!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Every hero needs a sidekick!
Every captain needs a mate!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Aye aye!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Every dinner needs a side dish-
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
On a slightly smaller plate!
BOTH:
And now we're seeing eye to eye,
Its so great we can agree!
That Heavenly Father has chosen
You and me-
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Just mostly me!
Something incredible...
I'll do something incredible!
I want to be the Mormon..
That changed all of mankind...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
My best friend...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Im something I've foreseen...
Now that Im nineteen,
I'll do something incredible,
That blows Gods freaking mind!
BOTH:
And as long as we stick together!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
-And I stay out of your way!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Out of my way!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
We can change the world-
BOTH:
FOREVER!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
And make tomorrow a latter day!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Mostly me!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
So quit singing about it-
BOTH:
-And do it!
How ready and psyched are we?!
Life is about to change for you,
And life is about to change for me,
And life is about to change for you and me,
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
But me, mostly!
And there's no limit to
What we can do.
Me... and you.
But mostly-
ME!
Hasa Diga Eebowai
(Warning: May be considered offensive)
RUSSIA/MAFALA/MAFALA:
In this part of Africa, we ALL have a saying- whenever something bad happens,
we just throw our hands up to the sky and say HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Hasa Diga Eebowai?
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
It's the only way to get through all these troubled times.
There is war, poverty, famine... but having a saying makes it all seem better!
There isn't enough food to eat!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
People are starving in the street!
WARSAW PACT and RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Well, that's pretty neat!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Kind of!
We've had no rain in several days!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa DIga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
And 80% of us have AIDS!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Many young girls here get
Circumcised,
Their clits get cut right off.
ALL:
Way oh!
WOMEN:
And so we say up to the sky-
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Now you try! Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky,
and list off all the bad things in your life!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Somebody took our luggage away!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The plane was crowded,
And the bus was late!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
When the world is getting you down,
There's nobody else to blame!
WARSAW PACT:
Way oh!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Raise your middle finger to the sky,
And curse his rotten name!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Wait, what?!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Am I saying it right?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Excuse me sir, but what EXACTLY does that phrase mean?
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Well, let's see... "Eebowai" means "God".
And "Hasa Diga" means... "Fuck You".
So I guess in English it would be "Fuck you, God!"
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
WHAT?!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
When God fucks you in the butt-
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Fuck him right back in his cunt!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Fuck you, God!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Excuse me, Sir, but you should really NOT be saying that.
Things aren't always as bad as they seem!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Oh really? Well take this fucking asshole, Mutumbo.
He got caught last week trying to RAPE a baby.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
What?! Why?!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Some people in his tribe believe having sex with a virgin will cure their AIDS.
There aren't many virgins left, so some of them are turning to babies.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
But... that's horrible!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
I know!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Here's the butcher, he has AIDS.
Here's the teacher, she has AIDS.
Here's the doctor, he has AIDS.
Here's my sister, she has A...
Wonderful disposition.
She's all I have left in the world.
And if either of you lays a hand on her...
I will give you my AIDS!
WARSAW PACT:
If you don't like what we say,
Try living here a couple days!
Watch all your friends and family die!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
(Fuck you!)
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth,
And cunt-a
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth,
And cunt-a
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth
And cunt-a
Fuck you in the eye!
Hasa-
Diga Eebowai!
Hasa-
Fuck you in the other eye!
Fuck you!
Fuck you God!
Fuck you!
Fuck you God!
Fuck you!
Fuck you God!
Hasa Diga!
Fuck you God!
In the cunt!
Turn It Off
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
I got a feeling,
That you could be feeling,
A whole lot better then you feel today
You say you got a problem,
well that's no problem,
Its super easy not to feel that way!
When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don't feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead
Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
Its a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When you're feeling certain feels that just don't feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,
Like a light switch just go bap!
Really what's so hard about that?
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)
GERMANY/ MISSIONARY#1
When I was young my dad,
Would treat my mom real bad,
every time the Utah Jazz would lose.
He'd start a drinking,
and Id start a thinking,
How am I gonna keep my mom from getting abused?
Id see her all scared and my soul was dying,
My dad would say to me, Now don't you dare start crying.
Turn it off, (Like a light switch just go click!)
(Its our nifty little Mormon trick!)
Turn it off! (Turn. It. Off!)
SWITZERLAND/MISSIONARY#2
My Sister was a dancer, but she got cancer,
My doctor said she still had two months more
I thought she had time, so I got in line
for the new I-phone at the apple store.
She lay there dying with my father and mother
Her very last words were "where is my brother?"
(Turn it off!) Yeah! (Bid those sad feelings adieu!)
The fear I might get cancer too,
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY
When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,
He and I were close as two friend could be
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,
I was having really strange feelings for Steve
I thought about us, on a deserted Island
Wed swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and...
WOAH! Turn it off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
Im all better now,
Boys should be with girls that's heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Well Elder McKinley, I think it's ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then you're just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)
But that's not true!
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off! (Turn it off, turn it off!)
(Dance)
Turn it off!
Now how do you feel!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The same
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
Then you only got yourself to blame,
You didn't pretend hard enough,
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,
and find the box that's gay and CRUSH IT!
Ok?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
No, no, -Im- not having gay thoughts
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Alright! It worked!
(Yay!)
(Turn it off!)
(Turn it off, Turn it off!)
(Turn it off, turn it off like a light switch just go click click!
What a cool little Mormon Trick! Trick trick!
We do it all the time!)
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
When you're feeling certain feelings that just don't seem right!
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)
(Now he isn't gay anymore!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...!)
(Turn it...)
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY: Turn it off!
-
I Am Here For You
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Id do anything for you. Im your best friend.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Well, alright then. Lets get some sleep, huh?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Yeah... So tired...
Sleep now, little buddy,
Throw your cares away.
Nappy with a happy face,
Tomorrows a latter day.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
What are you doing?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im just trying to make you feel better!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I feel fine... But this is what Im talking out Elder, out focus needs to be on our work.
Do you understand how difficult this is gonna be?
The missionaries here have yet to baptize a SINGLE person to the church.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Well, if they had already baptized a bunch of Africans here,
then it wouldn't be so incredible when YOU did it, now would it?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I guess... I guess that's kind of true...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Don't forget what you told me! You are awesome!
Together, were gonna bring LOTS of Africans to the church!
And my Dad will finally feel proud of me... instead of just feeling "stuck" with me...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
You know what, Elder? I think your Dads got plenty to be proud of already.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Really?!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Yeah!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Evening star shines brightly,
God makes like anew!
Tomorrow is a latter day,
And I am here for you.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I am here for you, too.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM and AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
We are here
For us.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Goodnight, best friend!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Goodnight, pal.
All- American Prophet
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
You all know the Bible
Is made of Testaments old and new.
You've been told its just those two parts,
Or only one, if you're a Jew.
But what if I were to tell you
There's a FRESH third part out there?
That was found by a HIP new prophet
Who had a little...
Donny Osmond flair?
Have you heard of the
All-American Prophet?
The blonde-haired,
Blue-eyed voice of God!
He didn't come from the Middle East
Like those other holy men!
No, Gods favourite prophet was...
All-American!
Im gonna take you back to Biblical times; 1823.
An American man man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of Rochester, New York!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
That's right, that young man spoke to God!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
He spoke to God?!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
And God said:
"Joe, people really need to know
That the Bible isn't two parts!
There's a part THREE to
The Bible, Joe! And I, God
Have anointed you to dig up this
Part three that is buried by the
Tree on the hill in your backyard!"
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Wow, God says go to you backyard and start digging, that makes PERFECT SENSE!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Joseph Smith went up to that hill,
And dug where he was told.
And deep in the ground, Joseph found
Shining plates of gold!
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
What are these golden plates?
Who buried them here, and why?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Then appeared an angel!
His name was Moroni!
NORWAY/MORONI:
I am Moroni...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The All-American Angel!
My people lived here
Long, long ago!
This is the history of my race!
Please read the words within!
We were Jews who met with Christ,
But we were...
All-American!
But don't let anybody see these plates
Except for you...
They are only for you to see...
Even if people ask you to show
The plates to them, DONT.
Just copy them onto normal paper.
Even thought this might make them
Question if the plates are real, or not,
This is sort of what God is going for...
Joseph took the plates home,
And wrote down what he found inside!
He turned those plates into a book,
Then rushed into town and cried:
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
Hey! God spoke to me and gave me
This blessed ancient tome!
He hath commanded me to publish it,
And stick it in every home!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Wow! So the Bible is really a trilogy,
and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?! IM interested!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Now, many people didn't believe
The prophet Joseph Smith.
They thought he'd made up this part three
That was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard!
WARSAW PACT:
LIAR!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
But Joe said:
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
This is no lie!
I speak to God all the time,
And he told me to head west!
So I'll take my part three
From the hill with the tree,
Feel free if you'd like
To come along with me,
To the promised land!
WARSAW PACT:
The PROMISED LAND?
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
Paradise!
On the west coast!
Nothing but fruit and fields
As far as the eye can see!
ALL:
Have you heard of the
All-American prophet?
He found a brand new book
About Jesus Christ!
Were following him to paradise;
We call ourselves Mormons!
And our new religion is...
All-American!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Wow! How much does it cost!?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The Mormons kept on searching for
That place to settle down,
But every time they thought they'd found it,
They got kicked out of town!
And even though people wanted
To see the golden plates,
Joseph never showed em!
DENMARK/GOTSWANA:
I have maggots in my scrotum.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Um... okay.
Well, anyway...
Now comes the part of our story
That gets a little bit sad...
On the way to the promised land,
Mormons made people mad.
Joseph was shot by and angry mob,
And knew he'd soon be done...
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
You must lead the people now,
My good friend... Brigham Young.
Oh, God... why are you letting me die?
Without having me
Show people the plates?
They'll have no proof I was
Telling the truth or not.
They'll have to believe it just...
Cause.
Oh! I guess that's kinda what you
Were going for...
Blargggh...
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The prophet Joseph Smith DIED for what he believed in.
But his followers, they kept on heading west.
And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah called...
Salt Lake City!
And there the Mormons multiplied, and made BIG MORMON families.
Generation to generation until finally... they made ME.
And now it's my JOB,
TO LEAD YOU WHERE THOSE EARLY SETTLERS WERE LEAD LONG AGO!
WARSAW PACT and AMERICA/PRICE:
Have you heard of the All-American prophet?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Kevin Price!
WARSAW PACT and AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
The next in line
To be the voice of God?!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
My best friend!
WARSAW PACT, AMERICA/ELDER PRICE, and CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
He's gonna do something
Incredible!
And be Joseph Smith again!
Cause Kevin Price the prophet is...
All...
All...
All...
ALL-AMERICAN-!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
If you order now, we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!
ALL:
ALL-AMERICAN!
-
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI
My mama once told me of a place
With waterfalls and unicorns flying
Where there was no suffering, no pain
Where there was laughter instead of dying
I always thought she'd made it up
To comfort me in times of pain
But now I know that place is real
Now I know its name
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Not just a story mama told
But a village in Ooh-Tah
Where the roofs are thatched with gold
If I could let myself believe
I know just where I'd be
Right on the next bus to paradise
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
I can imagine what it must be like
This perfect, happy place
I'll bet the goat-meat there is plentiful
And they have vitamin injections by the case
The war-lords there are friendly
They help you cross the street
And there's a Red Cross on every corner
With all the flour you can eat!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
The most perfect place on Earth
Where flies don't bite your eyeballs
And human life has worth
It isn't a place of fairytales
Its as real as it can be
A land where evil doesn't exist
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
And I'll bet the people are open minded
And don't care who you've been
And all I hope is that when I find it
I'm able to fit in
Will I fit in?
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
A land of hope and joy
And if I want to get there
I just have to follow that white boy
You were right, mama
You didn't lie
The place is real
And I'm gonna fly!
I'm on way
Soon life won't be so shitty
Now salvation has a name
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Man Up
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
What did Jesus do,
When they sentenced him to die?
Did he try to run away?
Did he just break down and cry?
No, Jesus dug down deep,
Knowing what he had to do-
When faced with his own death,
Jesus knew that he had to...
Man up.
He had to man up.
So he crawled up on that cross,
And he stuck it out.
And he manned up.
Christ, he manned up.
And taught us all what real manning
Up is about!
And now it's up to me
And it's time to man up!
Jesus had his time ta,
Now it's mine ta MAN UP!
Im taking the reins,
Im crossing the bear!
Just like Jesus,
Im growing a pair!
I've gotta stand up,
Cant just clam up,
Its time ta-
MAN UP!
Cuz there's a time in your life
When you know you've got to
MAN UP.
Don't let it pass you by,
There's just one time to
MAN UP.
Watch me man up like
Nobody else!
Im gonna man up all
Over myself!
I've got to get ready,
Its time ta,
Time ta!
What did Jesus do
When they put nails in his hands?
Did he scream like a girl?
Or did he take it like a man?
When someone had to die
To save us from our sins,
Jesus said "I'll do it!"
And he took it on the chin!
He manned up!
He manned up,
He took a bullet for me and you,
That's man up.
Real man up.
And now it's my time ta...
DO IT TOO!
Time to be a hero
And slay the monster!
Time to battle darkness,
You're not my father!
Im gonna time ta, just watch me go!
Time to stand up and steal the show!
Time ta! Mine ta!
Time ta! Time ta!
TIME TA.
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:
Sal Tlay Ka Siti,
A place of hope and joy...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
MAN UP!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:
And if we want to go there,
We just have to follow that white boy!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Time ta!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Heavenly father,
Why do you let bad things happen?
WARSAW PACT:
Sal Tlay Ka Siti...
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:
Did you get my text?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
More to the point,
Why do you let bad things happen to me?
WARSAW PACT:
Sal Tlay Ka Siti!
We got your text!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Im sure you don't think I'm a flake...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Man up!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Because you clearly made a mistake!
ELDERS:
Turn it off!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Im going where you need me most...
ORLANDO!
ELDERS:
ORLANDO!
WARSAW PACT:
We will listen to the fat white man!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
My time to, time ta,
Now it's my time to,
Time ta!
WARSAW PACT:
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
No time to, not time ta,
No, now it's time to time ta!
WARSAW PACT:
Huuh!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im in the lead for the
Very first time!
WARSAW PACT:
Time ta!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Im going where the
Sun always shines!
WARSAW PACT:
Shines ta!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I've got to stand up,
Get my flippin' can up,
Its time ta,
Time ta...
MAN UP!
WARSAW PACT, AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Hay ya ya! Orlando!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Hay ya ya! Orlando!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Im coming...
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! ELDERS: ORLANDO!
Turn it off!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Its time ta-
DENMARK/GOTSWANA:
I have maggots in my scrotum!
Making Things Up Again
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
And lo, the Lord said unto the Nephites:
"I know you're really depressed, what with all your... AIDS,
and everything... but there is an answer in Christ."
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:
You see? This book CAN help us!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I just told a lie.
No, I didn't LIE...
I just used my imagination...
And it worked!
FRANCE/CUNNINGHAMS FATHER:
You're making things up again, Arnold
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
But it worked, dad!
FRANCE/CUNNINGHAMS FATHER:
You're stretching the truth again,
and you know it-
SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:
Don't be a Fibbing Fran, Arnold.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Joseph Smith...?
SWEDEN AND FRANCE/SMITH AND FATHER:
Because a lie is a lie.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
It's not a lie!
NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and FATHER:
You're making things up again, Arnold!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Oh, conscience!
NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and FATHER:
You're taking the holy word
and adding fiction!
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there's a price.
ROMANIA/MIDDALA:
Ahh, this it bullshit!
The story I'VE been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin!
I'm gonna go and rape a baby!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
What?! Oh my-NO! You can't do that! NO!
ROMANIA/MIDDALA:
Why not?!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Because that is DEFINITELY against Gods will!
ROMANIA/MIDDALA:
Says who?!
Where in that book of yours does it say ANYTHING about sleeping with a baby, huh?!
Nowhere.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Uh, behold! The Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith:
"You SHALL NOT have sex with that infant!"
LO! Joseph said: "Why not, Lord? Huh? Why not?"
And the Lord said "If you lay with an infant, you shall... Burn in the fiery pits of Mordor!"
ROMANIA/MIDDALA:
...really?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Uh-uh... Uh-uh! "A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith.
I shall give unto you... a FROG! And thus,
Joseph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!
WARSAW PACT:
Ohhhhh!
NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and DAD:
You're making things up again, Arnold.
You're recklessly warping
The words of Jesus!
MICRONATIONS/HOBBITS:
You can't just say what you want, Arnold!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Come, on, Hobbits!
ALL:
You're digging yourself a deep hole!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im making things up again...kind of.
But this time, it's helping
A dozen people!
Its nothing so bad, because this time,
Im not committing a sin,
Just by making things up again, right?!
ALL:
NO!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI/:
Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
What? What is it?
NABULUGI:
Gotswana is going to cut off his daughters clitoris!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Huh?!
DENMARK/GOTSWANA:
This is all very interesting, but women have to be circumcised if thats what the General wants!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
No, no, doing that to a lady is definitely against Gods will!
DENMARK/GOTSWANA:
How do you know?! Christ never said NOTHIN bout no clitoris!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
...YES! YES HE DID!
In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman's...clitoris.
But...right before they did, Jesus had... BOBA FETT turn em into FROGS!
DENMARK/GOTSWANA:
Frogs?
HUNGARY/ASMERET:
You mean like the frogs that got fucked by Joseph Smith?!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Right! Right! Like THOSE frogs!
For a clitoris is holy amongst ALL things, said he!
NORWAY, SWEDEN, MIRCONATIONS and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS:
Your'e making things up again, Arnold.
WARSAW PACT:
Were learning the truth!
CHORUS:
You're taking the holy word
And adding fiction!
WARSAW PACT:
The truth about God!
CHORUS:
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there's a price!
WARSAW PACT:
Were going to paradise!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Who would have thought
I had this magic touch?
Who've believe I could
Man up this much?
Im talking, their listening,
My stories are glistening
Im gonna save them all
With this stuff!
WARSAW PACT:
Ooooh- La
CHORUS:
You're making things up again, Arnold!
WARSAW PACT:
Elder Cunningham!
CHORUS:
You're making things up again, Arnold!
WARSAW PACT:
Holy prophet man!
CHORUS:
You're making things up again, Arnold!
WARSAW PACT:
Our saviour!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
You're making things up again...
CUBA/WIZENED OLD JEDI MASTER:
Hmmm, up again making things you are-
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
...Arnold...
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
(Warning: may be considered offensive)
(I would also like to point out that in this scene, the Mormons and villagers play the roles. I'm also seriously running out of characters at this point.)
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Long ago when I was five,
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a donut with a maple glaze.
My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack,
And Jack got grounded for 14 days.
I've lived with that guilt
All of my life
And the terrible vision
That I had that night!
No! Please, I don't wanna go baaaaaack!
CHORUS:
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Down, down thy soul is cast!
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell!
The path of fire leads thee to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
And now I've gone and done it again!
CHORUS:
Rectus!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I've committed another awful sin!
CHORUS:
Dominus!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I left my mission companion
All alone...
CHORUS:
Spookytus!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?!
CHORUS:
Deus!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
How could I break rule seventy-two?
CHORUS:
Creepyus!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
And now my soul hath just been
Thrown-
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
CHORUS:
Down, down to Satan's realm!
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do!
No escape from
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
BRITAIN/JESUS:
You blamed your brother for eating the donut,
and now you walk out on your mission companion?! You're a DICK!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Jesus, Im sorry!
CHORUS:
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!
LATVIA/SKELETON 1:
You remember Lucifer!
ESTONIA/SKELETON 2:
He is even spookier!
RUSSIA/SATAN:
Minions of Hades
Have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he's back
with all you Catholics and Jews
its super spooky-wooky!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Im sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
to break the rules, please I
don't wanna be in this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
CHORUS:
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Genghis Khan,
Jeffrey Dahmer,
Hitler,
Johnnie Cochran!
The spirits all surround you,
Spooky spooky spooky!
GERMANY/ADOLPH HITLER:
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!
BELARUS/GENGHIS KHAN:
I slaughtered the Chinese!
TURKEY/JEFFREY DAHMER:
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
LITHUANIA/JOHNNIE COCHRAN:
I got O.J. freed!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
You think that's bad?
I broke rule seventy-two!
GERMANY, BELARUS, TURKEY, LITHUANIA/HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:
Hoh?!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
I left my companion!
Im way worse than you!
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
CHORUS:
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
BELARUS/KHAN:
AHHHH-
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance!
I won't break the rules again!
I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!
CHORUS:
Welcome, welcome
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
You are never waking up
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!
Give me one more chance! I won't let you down again!
CHORUS:
Down, down thy soul is cast!
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell!
This must be it, you must be there,
you must be in-
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!
I Believe
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
Ever since I was a child
I tried to be the best...
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed...
so what happened?
It was supposed to be all so exciting.
To be teaching of Christ across the sea.
But I allowed my faith to be shaken-
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed to help the needy.
To do the things I never dared.
This was the time for me to step up.
So then why was I so scared?
A warlord that shoots people in the face.
What's so scary about that?
I must trust that my Lord is mightier,
and always has my back.
Now I must completely devout
I can't have even one shred of doubt!
I believe-
That the Lord God created the universe.
I believe-
That he sent his only son to die for my sins.
And I believe-
That ancient Jews built boats and sailed
to America.
I am a Mormon.
And a Mormon just believes.
You cannot just believe part-way.
You have to believe in it all.
My problem doubted
the Lord's will.
Instead of standing tall.
I can't allow myself to have any doubt.
It's time to set my worries free.
Time to show the world
What Elder Price is about.
And share the power inside of me!
I believe-
That God has a plan for all of us.
I believe-
That plan involves
me getting my own planet.
And I believe
that the current President of the church,
Thomas Monson, speaks, directly to God.
I am a Mormon and, dang it,
A Mormon just believes.
CHORUS
A Mormon just believes.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I know that I must go and do-
The things my God commands.
CHORUS
Things my God commands.
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I realize now why he sent me here!
If you ask the Lord in faith
He will always answer you just believe
in him and have no fear.
GREECE/GUARD
(spoken) General! We have an intruder! He just walked right into camp!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I believe!
That Satan has a hold of you.
I believe!
That the Lord God has sent me here!
And I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people!
CHORUS
Black People!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
you can be a Mormon!
A Mormon who just believes.
PRUSSIA/GENERAL
(spoken) the fuck is this?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
And now I can feel the excitement.
This is the moment I was born to do.
And I feel so incredible-
to be sharing my faith with you.
The scriptures say that if you ask in faith,
if you ask God himself you'll know.
But you must ask him without any doubt,
and let your spirit grow!
CHORUS
let your spirit grow!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I believe!
That God lives on a planet called Kolob!
I believe!
That Jesus has his own planet as well.
And I believe
that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.
If you believe,
The Lord will reveal it.
And you'll know it's all true-
You'll just feel it.
You'll be a Mormon!
And by gosh-
A Mormon just belieeeeeeeeves!
Oh, I believe!
I believe!
CHORUS
Believe!
Baptize Me
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im about to do it for the first time.
And Im gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl-
Who makes my heart kind of flutter-
Makes my eyes kind of blur-
I can't believe Im about
to baptize her!
UKRAINE/ NABULUNGI:
He will baptize me!
He will hold me in his arms,
and he will baptize me!
Right in front of everyone
and it will set me free-
When he looks into my eyes.
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im gonna baptize her!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Baptize me!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Bathe her in Gods glory!
And I will baptize her-
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Im ready.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
-With everything I got.
And I'll make her beg for more,
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Oooh,
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
As I wash her free of sin.
And it'll be so good,
Shell want me to
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM and UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Baptize her/me again.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Excuse me, Im gonna need another minute!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Never known a boy to gentle,
one like him is hard to find.
A special kind.
Who makes my heart kind of flutter,
like a moth in a cocoon.
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im gonna baptize you.
Im through with all my stalling.
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
You're gonna baptize me.
Im ready to let you do it.
BOTH:
And it will set us free.
Its time to be immersed.
And Im so happy you're
about to be my first.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Okay, you ready?
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
I am ready. So... how do we do it?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Well, I hold you like this-
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Yeah?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
And I lower you down-
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Yeah?
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
And then I-
(splash)
I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
You baptized me!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I performed like a champ!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Im wet with salvation!
BOTH:
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God,
I'll never forget this day...
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I baptized you!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
You baptized me!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I gotcha good!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Baptize me!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
You want it more, baby?
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Baptize me!
Ill text you later.
-
I Am Africa
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
I am Africa...
I am Africa.
With the strength of the cheetah,
my native voice will ring...
ELDERS:
We are Africa!
We are the heartbeat of Africa!
GERMANY/ELDER SCHRADER:
With the rhino-
SPAIN/ELDER THOMAS:
The meerkat-
VENEZIANO/ELDER CHURCH:
The noble lion king-
ELDERS:
We are Africa!
We are the winds of the Serengeti,
We are the sweat of the jungle man,
we are the tears of Nelson Mandela,
We are the lost boy of the Sudan.
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
I am Africa!
Just like Bono! I am Africa!
I flew in here, and became one with
this land!
ELDERS:
Ha na heya! Za ba neyba!
CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:
Im not a follower anymore,
No, now Im frickin Africa!
With my Zulu spear,
I run barefoot through the sand!
I am Africa!
ELDERS:
Ha na heya za ba ney...
We are Africa
we are the, the only Africa
(The one and only Africa)
and the life we live is primitive
and proud!
(Let us smile and laughrica!)
We are Africa!
We are the deepest, darkest Africa!
(So deep and dark Africa)
We are the fields and fertile forests,
well endowed!
We are Africa!
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:
We are the sunrise on the Savannah...
FRANCE/ELDER ZELDER:
A monkey with a banana...
VENEZIANO/ELDER CHURCH:
A tribal woman who doesn't wear a bra...
ELDERS:
Ahhhhh
Africans are African,
but we are A-
Frica!
-
Joseph Smith American Moses
(Warning: Could be considered offensive)
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
And now we wish to honour you with the story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses!
VOICE:
Well this is very good, praise Christ.
Chorus:
Mormon!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
I'm going to take you back in time! (Mormon)
To the United States year 1823. (Mormon)
A small and odd village called oopstate New York. (oopstate)
There was Disease, and famine (so sick)
but also in the village lived a simple farmer who would change everything
His name was Joseph Smith
Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya
Joseph Smith, American Moses!
Praise be to Joseph! American prophet man.
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
AY! My name is Joseph Smith, and I'm going to fuck this baby!
What?!
CHORUS:
No no Joseph! Don't fuck the baby!
Joseph Smith, don't fuck the baby.
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Suddenly the clouds parted,
And Joseph Smith was visited by GOD!
ESTONIA/VILLAGER:
Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby.
I'll get rid of your AIDS if you fuck this frog.
CHORUS:
Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Joseph Smith fucked the frog god gave him,
and his AIDS went away!
Then a great wizard named Moronai came down from the Starship enterprise
LITHUANIA/VILLAGER:
Joseph Smith! Your village is shit!
You should lead the villagers to a new village.
Take these fucking golden plates (awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
And on the plates were written the directions to a new land.
Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates.
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Liberation! Equality! No more slavery for oopstate Mormon people!
I got de golden plates! (Gold plates)
I gonna lead the people! (We head west)
We gotta stick together! (For months)
We gotta hel' each other! (We will for months)
And so we climb the mountain! (We head west)
And we cross the river (we head west)
and we fight the oppression! (For months)
By being nice to everyone (we are Mormons)
POLAND/VILLAGER:
Not so fast Mormons! You shall not pass my mountain!
(Down from the mountain look who comes! The American warlord, Brigham Young!
YES! I am Brigham Young!
I cut off my daughter's clitoris.
That made god angry so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment!
(Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris)
CHORUS:
What will you do Joseph? Will you fight the clitoris man?
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Not fight him, help him! (Oooohhhhhhhh)
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit-face,
and behold, Brigham was cured!
CHORUS:
Joseph Smith! Magical AIDS frog!
Frog on his clit-face!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to join the Mormons and their journey.
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Compassion!
Courtesy!
Let's be really fucking polite to everyone!
I got de golden plates! (Gold plates)
I gonna lead the people! (We head west)
We gotta stick together! (For months)
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad. (Ohh)
After travelling for so long,
The Mormons ran out of fresh water,
and became sick, with dysentery!
CHORUS:
Mormon go to the water, water go to the cup
Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt
Shit go in the water, water go in the cup
Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt
RUSSIA/MAFALA:
Oh fuck!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:
Oh no! The prophet Joseph smith is now getting sick!
Brigham Young, you must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the promise land!
POLAND/VILLAGER:
Desperation!
Mortality!
Loss of faith!
I….. Got the golden plates (gold plates)
I gonna lead the people (we head west)…
UKRAINE/ NABULUNGI:
Even though their prophet had died,
The Mormons stuck together,
and helped each other
and were really nice to everyone they came across.
And one day, the Mormons finally found,
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
And then, the Mormons danced with ewoks,
and were greeted by Jesus!
LATVIA/VILLAGER:
Welcome Mormons!
Now, let's all have as many babies as we can,
and make big, Mormon families!
CHORUS:
Wahoo!
Fuck your woman, fuck your man,
It is all part of Gods plan
Mormons help god as they can,
Here in Salt Lake City land!
Thank you! Thank you,
for now we are fucking.
Thank you! Thank you,
Come god wants us fucking.
Thank you! Thank you,
but get back to fucking.
Thaaaa- Get back to fucking!
Thank you! Thank you god!
-
Tomorrow Is a Latter Day
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
We are still Latter Day Saints, all of us
Even if we change some things, or or we break the rules
Or we have complete doubt that God exists
We can still all work together and make this our paradise planet
CANADA/ELDER CUNNINGHAM
You, you want to stay here with me?
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I'd do anything for you; you're my best friend
don't worry little buddy
Know this much is true
Tomorrow is a latter day
And I am here for you
ENSEMBLE
Tomorrow is a latter day...
Tomorrow is a latter day!
Tomorrow is a latter day!
I am a Latter Day Saint (Latter Day, hey.)
I help all those I can
I see my friends through times of joy and sorrow (Times of joy and sorrow!)
Who cares what happens when we're dead? (Who cares now, ooh.)
We shouldn't think that far ahead
the only latter day that matters is tomorrow!
The skies are clear and now the sun's coming out
it's a latter day tomorrow! (Hayyaya!)
Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away
and focus on the latter day!
Tomorrow is a latter day! (Woo!)
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI
I am a Latter Day Saint (Shoodoowow!)
Along with all my town (Bada ba! Bada ba!)
We always stick together come what may! (Wanna thank you, Lord!)
BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY with ENSEMBLE:
We love to dance and shout (Ba da bao)
and let all our feelings out (Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.)
And work to make a better latter day! (Ash, day.)
ENSEMBLE
Hanna hyena bandanna hyena!
We're gonna be here for each other every step of the way
and make a Latter Day tomorrow! (Hanna hey!)
Americans already found a cure for AIDS
but they're saving it for a Latter Day! (Yeah!)
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
I believe (Tomorrow is a latter day)
I believe (Love and joy and all the things that matter day)
I believe (Tomorrow is a bigger, badder latter day ay ay ay)
I believe (Tomorrow, tomorrow is a latter day)
I believe (A happy ending on a platter day)
I believe (Tomorrow's a doper, phatter latter day ay ay)
ENSEMBLE
Why are Mormons happy?
It's because we know
it's a latter day tomorrow!
So if you're sad put your hands together and pray
that tomorrow's gonna be a latter day!
And then it probably will be a latter day!
Tomorrow is a latter day!
AMERICA/ELDER PRICE
so what will tomorrow bring? (Ooo...)
What does the future hold?
I can almost see it now... (Ooo...)
ESTONIA/MUTUMBO
Hello!
My name is Elder Mutumbo
and I would like to share with you the most amazing book!
SLOVAKIA/KIMBAY
Hello! (Hello!)
My name is Sister Kimbay
It's a book about a people who were poor and sad like you!
UKRAINE/NABULUNGI
A sacred text (Hello!)
Of pioneers and frogs! (Fucked frogs!)
And how you can find salvation if you just believe
HUNGARY/ASMERET
Hi-ho!
SLOVAKIA & ROMANIA/KIMBAY & MIDDALA
Ding dong!
BELARUS/KALIMBA
Hello! (Boba Fett!)
You have a lovely mud hut
and if you just put down the gun, I'll show you... Oh, okay, I'll leave!
LITHUANIA/GHALI
Hello! (Hello!)
My name is Elder Ghali
You will love all of the happiness this book can bring
PRUSSIA/GENERAL
Hello! (Hello!)
My name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked
did you know that the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?
ENSEMBLE
Find paradise! (With Jesus Christ!)
And no more war! (Hello!) (Nice door!)
You've read the Book of Mormon; did you know there's more? (Part four!)
We swear! (We really care!)
This is not a scam (No ma'am!)
Have you heard the story of our Prophet Arnold Cunningham?
(Arnold. Arnold Cunningham? Arnold Cunningham? Arnold Cunning...)
Hello! (Hello!)
Our church is growing strong! (Hello!)
And if you let us in, we'll show you how you can belong! (Hello!)
Join our family (Hello!)
And set your spirit free (Hello! Hello!)
We can fully guarantee you that this book will change your life (Hello!)
This book will change your life! (Hello!)
This book will change your life! (Hello, this book will change your life!)
This book will change your, book will change, this book will change your life!
The book of Arnold...
Hello!
We are Latter Day Saints! (Yeah!)
We take life one day at a time!
When the chips are down, we know just what to say! (We know just what to say!)
The past may be in tatters
but today is all that matters! (Human hyena!)
Because today is yesterday's latter day! (Hoo hoo hoo oho oho)
Thank you God!
Ma ha nei bu, Eebowai!
Tomorrow is a Latter Day!
DENMARK/GOTSWANA
I still have maggots in my scrotum!
I'm really sorry guys, but this was a bitch to write.
I'veMadeItMyOTP: I don't know. I'm British, it could be.
Next: *sighs* Les Miserables... help.
Bye from DBM. Peace out.