Chapter 4

Blaine had a feeling his mother thought the night before – could he call it a date? – had gone terribly because his answers were monosyllabic. The night, the date, hadn't been terrible though. He felt guilty at any suggestion that it was but he didn't have the words to explain what had happened. In any case, his mother seemed more interested in who Sebastian was and why she hadn't seen him before. It left him suspicious and on edge, avoiding specific details. He mulled over the strange distance that had swept through Sebastian and taken him away from Blaine's grasp so abruptly. As soon as Blaine thought Sebastian was going to pull closer, maybe even kiss him, he'd vanished.

And Blaine didn't know why.

So the night hadn't been terrible. Far from it. He was just completely confused and didn't know how to respond to the questions. He didn't trust himself not to say something that made her suspicious. He didn't want Sebastian Reported.

He stared at the homework he needed to complete but couldn't concentrate on. His mind swam with images of Sebastian's shadowed face close to his and the vivid smell of his sweat mingling with his cologne. He could almost feel Sebastian's hips tilting into Blaine's own. When he recalled how they'd gotten hard from dancing, his cheeks grew red. Was that normal? Or did it mean there had to be feelings involved? Did Sebastian feel the flurry of butterflies in his stomach too? Was he unsure, like Blaine, about the way he felt?

The questions that bubbled within him made it difficult to sleep for the second night in a row.

Rachel frowned as he approached the table she and Nick were sitting at on Monday morning. Her elbow bumped into Nick's arm and he glanced up, a concerned expression flitting across his face which mirrored hers.

"What's happened?" she said as he pulled out a seat and sank into it, dropping his bag to the floor with a muted sigh.

"Nothing," he said and Nick scoffed and lowered his pencil to his sketchbook. Even upside down, Blaine could recognise the slope of Nick's sister's nose, the curve of her lips, the emotions in her eyes.

Nick looked around, although Blaine wasn't sure why since no one ever came near this spot, and then leaned towards Blaine. "Did someone get Reported?" he whispered, a flicker of fear in his expression that Blaine hadn't seen in years.

Blaine's eyes widened. He didn't realise he looked that terrible. He shook his head and adjusted his blazer to flatten the lapels. "I just had a lot on my mind which kept me from sleeping," he assured as he bit his lip and met Nick's gaze. It wasn't a lie but he felt awful for reminding Nick about something so horrid because of a couple of restless nights. "My family is fine, Nick."

Rachel shifted her chair around the table and looped her arm around his elbow. Her head came to rest on his bicep. He was surprised by her affection but it wasn't unwelcome. He'd craved someone's touch most of yesterday in the hopes it would soothe the confusion in his head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

His fingertips brushed against the back of her hand as he tried to organise what to say. "I thought… I thought there was this…moment when someone was going to kiss me. But then… Then they walked away and… I guess I started wondering if I'd misread everything?"

"You mean Sebastian, right?" Nick said, plucking up his pencil and returning to shading the jawline of his portrait. Nick's redirected attention reduced Blaine's discomfort at being examined. He didn't like feeling as though he was baring having each layer of his heart and soul to his friends.

His mouth opened, his eyebrows rising. "How did you-"

"You look at him with stars in your eyes," Rachel said, patting his hand and smiling up at him. "It's not hard to figure out you like him."

Blaine felt his cheeks warm as he leaned into her. He hadn't realised his interest was so obvious but he wasn't surprised. Interacting with Sebastian so much was bound to catch someone's attention. He wondered if his interest in the other boy was as obvious to Sebastian as it was to his friends and that's why he'd fled.

"Blaine."

Nick tilted his head, his eyes somewhere over Blaine's shoulder. Blaine twisted to see Sebastian lingering by a tree, his fingers coiled around the strap of his bag. His eyes were as shadowed as Blaine's and he wasn't sure it was reassuring that the other boy looked like he hadn't fared any better trying to sleep over the weekend.

"Go to him," Nick encouraged, scratching his pencil against the paper.

Rachel gave his hand a squeeze before she drew away. He rose to his feet picking up his bag and focusing on Sebastian. He inhaled and tried to assess the other boy's emotional state. He didn't know Sebastian well but he wasn't sure he'd ever seen his shoulders so slumped, his features so defeated. He was a fragment of the confident boy that challenged the teachers.

He marched towards Sebastian and felt the weight of stares falling on him. He wasn't sure if it was Sebastian's gaze or Nick and Rachel's but he ignored it until he was standing in front of the taller male. Sebastian looked prepared to flee at a moment's notice. He didn't feel comforted.

"Hi," he said, glancing at Sebastian before deciding his shoes were more interesting. "I- How are you?"

Sebastian stayed silent. When Blaine dared to peek at him, there was something so different about the other male that it was…disconcerting. Something about the distance in Sebastian's expression, the tight press of his lips, and the bob of his Adam's apple all made a picture Blaine wasn't familiar with. He didn't know how to respond to it.

"Sebastian?" he prompted. The extra inch he moved closer must have been enough to spook Sebastian because he took off. Blaine could only watch helplessly as Sebastian jogged across the quadrangle and out of the gates.

When he turned back to look at Rachel and Nick, his friends looked as perplexed as he felt.

Sebastian was absent on Tuesday and Wednesday and avoided Blaine's eyes as well as his attempts at conversation on Thursday and Friday. The other boy was dodging him, trying to shy away from something he didn't want to face, but Blaine didn't understand why. Why had there been such a total shift in Sebastian attitude? What had he done to cause it?

It wasn't until he was halfway through Friday that he realised something else: Sebastian hadn't approached Rachel or Nick. Sebastian hadn't challenged any of the teachers in class either. It was almost funny seeing the look on his teachers' faces, how they had mentally prepared for a question, that never came. He watched their eyebrows dip and their eyes search out Sebastian's lowered head. Mister Matthews seemed particularly perturbed but didn't care enough to ask. Blaine doubted the teacher would have received anything more than a courteous dismissal anyway.

Blaine's sleep was even more restless than usual as the week progressed. He was glad to hide beneath his blankets on Saturday and Sunday when a cold wind rattled against his windows, bringing with it the first true chill of winter that was too much for him to handle. He spent Sunday evening pulling out scarves and sweaters and gloves from the small container in the attic, stowing them in his drawers so he didn't have to stumble around in the morning searching for warmer attire. It was already hard enough to think straight after a week without any restful sleep.

His mother pressed a thermos of coffee into his hands on Monday morning. By the time he'd arrived at school there was enough caffeine in his bloodstream to make him borderline coherent. His eyes still itched with exhaustion, his muscles still ached with fatigue, but he could admire Nick's latest drawing of a tree in the wind. Its branches were so lifelike he could almost hear the rustling of the leaves. He half-listened to Rachel talk about her desire to see the mechanic at the automotive store, nodding at the appropriate times without agreeing to go with her.

If his friends had noticed his poor appearance last Monday, they chose to ignore it now. He was certain he looked far more hellish than a week ago but they knew it was related to Sebastian. They didn't pry into what was happening even though he knew they had questions. Perhaps it was because they realised Blaine didn't have any of the answers they wanted. If he did, he would have had some answers of his own.

Rachel linked their arms together as they walked to Katrina's café on Tuesday afternoon. He didn't want to go because he thought Katrina might ask about Sebastian and he knew Rachel would abandon him to chat to the mechanic across the road, but Nick always managed to weasel out and Blaine thought both of them were worried about his haggard appearance. It was barely a week but the loss of Sebastian from his life was profound. It was worse when the boy in question was a scant few feet away when they had classes together. He kept replaying Saturday night in his head, searching for what he did wrong. The memories were distorting and he wasn't coming up with anything new. It only served to make him more confused, more frustrated.

"Maybe there's something big in his life," Rachel said, a vain attempt at breaking the silence and stirring him from his miserable thoughts.

He managed a weak smile as he fiddled with the tassels on his scarf. "Even if there was… It was like a switch had flicked, Rach. He went from being touchy and warm one minute to walking away from me, repeatedly, the next. I don't understand."

Rachel's cheek pressed against his arm as they walked. He accepted the affection even though it wasn't from the person he wanted. Maybe that was part of why he was struggling. Sebastian was someone who knew when to demand answers and when to back away. Sebastian knew how to use his hands to offer comfort and had a smile that could make Blaine's heat skip a beat. There was a warmth which radiated from Sebastian that was unlike anything he'd ever known. And now it had been absent from his life for more than a week. The chill of the air temperature was nothing compared to the chill growing around his heart. Blaine was starting to feel lost without Sebastian.

The bell to Katrina's shop tinkled as they entered. Rachel slipped away from him to crouch by Bobby's bed, scratching behind the dog's ears while Blaine approached the counter. Katrina appeared several minutes later, a flustered smile on her face as she looked at Blaine.

"Back again, eh? No tall, handsome boy with you this time?" Katrina chirped, moving towards the coffee machine and jabbing a few buttons.

Blaine glanced over his shoulder where Rachel was pretending to pay attention to the dog but clearly eavesdropping. "Not this time," he conceded, nodding his head towards Rachel. "I like to share my friends around so everyone gets to enjoy your coffee."

Katrina beamed at Blaine's compliment as her eyes wandered towards Rachel. She gave her a cheerful wave before returning her attention to the whirring, hissing coffee machine.

"I haven't seen your handsome boy back here either," Katrina confided as she frothed some soy milk for Rachel's latte. Some of her words were indistinct over the noise of the machine. "I was starting to think he'd been Reported."

Blaine blinked, eyes wide, before he shook his head. The thought of Sebastian being Reported was too horrifying to even consider.

Afraid to say anything more, afraid to reveal too much about himself, Blaine turned and moved towards Bobby. The Dachshund looked pleased with himself when two hands began scratching his body.

"Do you mind if I go home?" he asked, peeking over his shoulder to ensure Katrina wasn't still listening. "She was asking about Sebastian and I don't feel comfortable staying."

Rachel's lips turned down but she nodded, giving Bobby's neck a firm rub with her long nails. He'd almost swear Bobby was purring if he was a cat. Instead, one of his hind legs jerked with obvious delight. "I can take care of myself," she assured, her fingers brushing against Blaine's. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He kissed her cheek and handed Katrina some money when she placed their takeaway coffee cups on the table. He couldn't tell if she was grateful to have some money and something to do or unhappy that they weren't staying. There was always that line with Katrina where she seemed to be too interested and it made Blaine's skin crawl. He missed the sense of safety he found with Sebastian's company.

He watched Rachel walk across the road with her coffee cup and then began the walk home. He tucked his blazer tighter around his shoulders, adjusted his scarf half a dozen times, and was thankful for the warm coffee between his fingers because it kept his insides warm and stopped his hands from getting too chilled. The time alone gave him another opportunity to think over the events of Saturday night but he had no greater understanding of what might have happened than before.

Perhaps that was why, when he turned onto his street, he froze at the sight of a motorcycle parked by his house.

Sebastian wasn't astride the vehicle but Blaine picked up his pace anyway. He soon spied the boy sheltering behind a tree from the wind. Evidently Blaine's parents weren't home yet and he felt confused about why Sebastian was here and guilty for leaving someone in such blustery conditions. He wasn't even sure he should feel guilty considering he hadn't known Sebastian would be showing up because if he had… Well, maybe he would have left him in the cold anyway, just to punish him.

"Sebastian?" he called, leaves crunching beneath his feet as he diverged from the footpath on a diagonal line across the neighbour's lawn. The other boy shifted against the tree, looking at him with uncertain eyes, and Blaine wondered – for the briefest of moments – if he should be sending Sebastian away and refusing to have anything to do with him. There was a darkness, a pain, in the boy's expression that made Blaine afraid of what he was getting himself into.

Except Blaine knew he was already all-in, that he missed Sebastian more than he could explain, and he didn't have a choice anymore. He wanted to bring back the teasing smiles on Sebastian's lips and the sparkle in his eyes.

Sebastian rose to his feet, one of his knees audibly popping even at the distance Blaine was at, and he eyed the jeans and leather jacket. Sebastian must have gone home. He wondered why Sebastian had changed but it was another question he wouldn't ask.

"Can I… Will you let me come in?" Sebastian said, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck as he gazed at Blaine. Blaine hadn't even considered allowing Sebastian into his house but he knew any number of neighbours could be watching or listening, trying to gain information that would see them Reported. It wasn't safe to be outdoors.

He released a sigh and withdrew his house keys, walking past Sebastian and unlocking the front door. He left it open after he'd entered, removing his shoes and unwinding the scarf from his neck. It took a couple of minutes before he heard the crunch of leaves and then Sebastian had pressed the door shut with a soft click.

"Do you want something to drink?" Blaine asked as he decided it was easier to look busy than look at Sebastian. He needed to keep his hands occupied and if he had something to eat or drink that would stop him saying something stupid then that was even better. He walked into the kitchen to toss away his coffee cup and heard the whisper of Sebastian's jacket as he followed.

"I just- Can we- Your room?" Sebastian managed and Blaine chanced a look at him, noting the exhaustion that seemed to emanate from every pore of the other boy's face. He was pretty sure his parents wouldn't like him having another boy in his room but…his parents weren't home right now and it wasn't like he was planning on doing anything with Sebastian other than talking.

He tilted his head in acknowledgement and waved a hand at Sebastian to get out of the way. Sebastian turned sideways to allow Blaine to pass and he tried not to react to the way his arm brushed Sebastian's torso. Instead he focused on leading the other boy up the stairs to his room. He discarded his blazer and unknotted his tie, trying to ignore the eyes he could feel on him, trying to ignore the shift of fabric when Sebastian removed his jacket and laid it over the back of Blaine's desk chair.

"Blaine…"

He turned from the fussing he'd been doing with his bag and found Sebastian trembling and staring at the ground, not even close to the confident boy Blaine had first seen at school. He bit his lip, his urge to draw closer warring with his need for answers, but ultimately he ended up stepping forward and grasped at Sebastian's light grey sweater while Sebastian's arms circled his shoulders.

Sebastian sniffled and Blaine drew him towards sitting on the edge of the bed. The taller boy clung to him, like Blaine would vanish into wisps of smoke if Sebastian let go, and he tried to offer some semblance of comfort as he rubbed his hand against Sebastian's back. As tired as he was, Blaine sensed Sebastian was more unhinged than him. He was left with one burning question: why?

"I- I owe you some…explanations," Sebastian said, loosening his arms and folding in on himself to a ball more compacted than Blaine could have thought possible. He scooted onto the bed to make himself more comfortable, patting the space on the mattress beside him, but Sebastian looked disinterested in moving. Then Blaine just felt awkward at the gulf of mattress between them.

"Okay?" he said, folding his legs in front of him and knotting his fingers together. He waited, one breath, two breaths, three…

"I- My mother… She doesn't want me getting too close to anyone here," Sebastian said, adjusting his arms around his knees after Blaine had counted to seven. "As much as you think it's dangerous to associate with anyone new, it's even more dangerous to be new. Everyone doubts you. Everyone looks at you suspiciously. They don't know what's normal and what's not normal so they don't know where the line is to Report you. It's… It's incredibly dangerous to be a new person."

Blaine had never considered what it was like to be the new person. He understood the instinctive reaction was to stay away from anyone unfamiliar but…being new, being strange, had to have ramifications too. Sebastian had moved with his mother to an unfamiliar town, leaving behind family and friends. In this town, he'd been ostracised because of a paranoia drilled into everyone because of rumours from other towns. On the one hand, Blaine was relieved he'd reached out to Sebastian and tried to be his friend because maybe that had helped in some small way. On the other hand, he felt like he hadn't done enough to ease the transition because he'd never considered it from Sebastian's perspective.

"I got the feeling while I was driving you home that there was a moment you began to trust me, that I wasn't going to get you injured or killed, and it was-" Sebastian's mouth moved but no words came out. He gave a small wave of his hand that suggested he was as lost as Blaine felt. "It was…flattering? It's not the word I want but trust is so…so fragile and it reminded me of how alone I was here and how much I missed having friends I could talk to."

Blaine could remember the moment when he'd begun to relax on the bike, the way he'd stopped gripping Sebastian's body so tightly as they'd driven through desolate streets. Sebastian was right: he had begun to trust the other boy and trust was a scary thing. Trust could be violated. Trust could be invaded. Trust could be betrayed.

"I panicked," Sebastian conceded, peering at Blaine with timid eyes. "Rather than embrace someone trusting me, rather than believe I had made a friend, I thought about my mom's disapproval that I'd gotten into a situation where I could get hurt or Reported and I panicked and I'm sorry."

Sebastian's rambled confession and apology spurred Blaine into moving. He clambered closer to the other boy, wrapping around him from behind like a baby monkey. It took several minutes but eventually the ball of Sebastian's limbs began to unwind. His head tilted to rest on Blaine's collarbone, his legs unravelling and lowering past the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian said as Blaine cuddled him, the first time Blaine had probably cuddled someone in his life.

"It's okay," he whispered against Sebastian's ear, soaking in the comfort that holding the other boy gave him. He relaxed for the first time in a week, the constant fretting about what he'd done wrong silenced in his head. He still had some questions – like why did Sebastian's mom want him to stay away from people – but he'd keep those for later. For now, he felt like some of the steel walls Sebastian protected himself with had fallen. He wasn't going to waste the opportunity to hold him.

After at least ten minutes, Blaine became aware of how uncomfortable he was and how it felt like Sebastian was teetering on the edge of his bed. He withdrew his arms and crawled backwards until he reached the pillows. This time, Sebastian moved too and it was much more comfortable to have Sebastian tucked beneath his arm, his head on Blaine's shoulder, his hand resting on Blaine's stomach.

"I haven't slept properly in more than a week," Sebastian admitted and when Blaine adjusted his head to look down at him, he wasn't surprised to see the green eyes closed. The circles beneath Sebastian's eyes were more pronounced than Blaine's own, he was sure of it.

"Me either," he said, managing a small smile when Sebastian's eyes opened and then drooped. "Too busy wondering what I'd done wrong."

Sebastian huffed and snuggled closer. Blaine tried not to twitch away when every breath Sebastian released tickled his neck. "It was all me, Killer. Nothing for you to stress about."

Blaine made a quiet "Mhm" noise and tilted his head to rest against the top of Sebastian's. He knew he shouldn't fall asleep because a nap would wreck any attempt at sleeping tonight. He knew he shouldn't fall asleep because his parents would arrive home and would lose their tempers when they found him in a bed with another boy. It wouldn't matter that they were on top of the covers with all their clothes were on. He knew he shouldn't fall asleep because-

It didn't matter.

After more than a week with inadequate sleep, neither of them lasted long.

His father couldn't meet his eyes over dinner that night. The hinge of his jaw popped as he ground his teeth together. His hand clutched his glass of wine so tightly the tiny bones were visible beneath his skin. He seemed particularly vicious stabbing his knife into the beef.

His mother kept her responses to his father's questions monosyllabic. Her cutlery shook as she sliced her meal. She failed to ask Blaine how his day was. She didn't acknowledge his help in clearing the dishes.

It was all the confirmation he needed that his parents disapproved of his interest in men.

~TBC~