Genre: Humour/Drama
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters, except for the unknown guy cloaked in dark robes.
Gintama: Smackdown Arc
It was another regular day for Yorozuya Gin-chan when they had received a scroll from an unknown person. After several heated debates, they had unrolled the contents, only to be rendered shell-shocked. Coincidentally, Catherine from Otose's snack shop had barged into their apartment, saying that posters have been hung up all over Kabukicho. Just when Yorozuya Gin-chan were struggling to comprehend this latest piece of information, Otose herself came and-
"Oiiii, what are you doing there?!"
Oh, Gin-san, I'm just providing a recap of sorts for those who had not read my earlier chapters of this story. It will be easier for them to understand-
"Oiiii, skip the fancy words, you third-rate writer! You are just like those anime producers, aren't you?! Forever looking to waste time!"
How do I waste time here, Gin-san? The only elements I'm wasting now are Microsoft words! Besides, the way the anime wasted time was simply despicable, preposterous! I will never be like them! Never, you got me?! Neve-
"You are wasting time even now, aren't you?! Now, get writing on the main component of this ridiculous story, you idiot otaku! The premise for this story is so stupid that I am cringing just at the thought of being inside it, but there are still readers who pity you and decide to read your work. So, start writing already!"
Don't be so strict, Gin-san. I just need to waste around 300 wor- No, sorry, I swear I didn't say that. I swear that I'm not just wasting words here because I have a severe case of Writer's block. Really. I have got the whole plot thought up, already. It's definitely not because of some Writer's block, you hear me?
"Just get going already, you damn third-rate writer! Before I submit a formal request to those people at FanFiction to ban your account for improper use of a favourite character!"
Okay, okay, got it. Chapter 3 of the Smackdown Arc will officially commence now!
"About time, you damn idiot otaku!"
The very air was electric. Cheers erupted from the stands around the arena as the announcer for the impending match spoke into his microphone, adopting a deep and composed tone.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Kozenigata Heiji, the "hard-boiled" detective, rumbled. "I am Kozenigata Heiji, and I will be your hard-boiled announcer for the match today. Staking my kamiyu on the line, I promise to deliver a hard-boiled commentary for you hard-boiled loving fans. Even if all they do in the match is shout and slap each other like women, you can count on me to describe a fight between Godzilla and Ultraman-kamiyu."
He glanced at the watch on his wrist. A Doraemon face was pointing to the number, 4.
"Ladies and gentlemen, after checking the time on my Rolex, I'm pleased to announce the official commencement of the match between the King of Kabukicho, Sakata Gintoki, and the mysterious challenger, Tendou Isshin-kamiyu."
Deafening noises filled the air.
"Oi, you damn natural perm! You better win this damn match or you won't have a house to go back to later! I mean what I say, you hear me?!" Otose yelled from the stands.
"You cannot count on him, Otose-san," Catherine said beside her, nodding her head knowingly. "I say, we search his house for all the valuables and kick him out straightaway."
"You just want to steal stuff, don't you?" Otose stared at her.
"Catherine-san," Otae said, smiling. "You should trust Gin-san more. Even if he seems to be an absolutely useless person who is just wasting space, he does have some skills with the sword. He will not lose that easily- You better not lose, you bastard!" she began yelling. "If you lose, I swear I am not gonna let you off, you hear me?! Answer me, you bastard!"
"Tae-chan, why did you bet so much money on that guy?" Kyuubei asked, standing right beside her. "This is not like you. After all, you spent so much effort trying to save money in order to rebuild your dojo. Even if it's that natural perm, it's still not a confirmed victory."
Otae gave a sigh.
"Kyuu-chan, I did not bet on that useless guy because I was tired of entertaining pervertic old men, or pained that I could not teach at the dojo Father left me and Shin-chan," she said, looking at the arena. "It's just that…"
"Hey, did you see that poster already?"
"Yeah, I did. It's between some guy called Sakata Gintoki and a Tendou Isshin, isn't it?"
"Yeah, that's right. Did you know that the Sakata is some freelancer? Apparently, he operates a freelancing business."
"Really? A freelancer? How did a freelancer manage to become one of the four Devas? Does he have some exceptional skill or…"
"Well, I have heard that he's one rotten apple. Apparently, he stays in his home for long periods of time and goes out only to return home, drunk. How could such a guy have any skill? Just not possible. In my opinion, he probably only got the title because he was on close terms with Empress Otose."
"Empress Otose? One of the previous four Devas? He was close with the empress?"
"The freelancer supposedly rents the freelancing business' office from the empress. I won't be surprised if he had charmed her into picking him as her successor. Despite her influence, it's a fact that she's getting old. Add to that the fact that her old flame, Jirochou, had disappeared recently. An old and lonely woman. There's no better time to work his charms on her, is there?"
"Well, what you say does make sense. Kabukicho sure is going to the dogs now, isn't it? With such a person among the ones ruling this district, it's gonna fall sooner or later. I have got to get out of here as soon as my business deal is finished here."
"Hey, wanna take a bet on the match? To be honest, I have been doing the bookmaking for the match so far. However, I have been convincing the idiots that the freelancer was exceptionally strong. I just fed them these crazily stupid rumours that he had actually defeated Jirochou in a legit fight before. Could you believe the fact that those morons believed it? I was laughing so hard after they had placed their bets."
"Heh, by doing so, you could stand to win a whole lot more money, huh? I can see why they call you the Master of Rumours around here. Count me in, then. I cannot afford to miss such a good money-spinning opportunity."
"Alright, how much do you want to bet? Trust me when I say you should bet more. The mysterious challenger will definitely win for sure."
"Speaking about the mysterious challenger, do you know who he is? What if he turns out to be an even worse fighter than the freelancer?"
"Don't worry about it. If I'm not wrong, this Tendou Isshin fellow had some connections to Jirochou himself. Anybody with any form of link to the boss of the Dobunezumi gang will surely have some skills with the sword. Mark my words when I say that he will finish the match in ten seconds flat. I just pity the freelancer. He's gonna die horribly."
"In that case, I will bet the entire profits of my latest business deal, then. If I could make a killing here, I won't have to worry about finances for the rest of the year. Sounds pretty sweet to me."
"I am a good friend, am I not? Just make sure that you treat me to kamiyu as soon as you get those wads of cash!"
"Haha, you can count on me for that, old friend! Hey, Otae, pour one more bottle of that-"
Otae smashed a bottle of wine over the businessman's head. He keeled to the floor, unmoving.
"Here's your bottle, Master," Otae said, smiling. "Have fun with it!"
Turning to the downright terrified bookmaker, she reached into the sleeve of her kimono and drew a bankbook.
"Mr Bookmaker," Otae said. "If you will be so kind, I would like to bet all my money on this freelancer guy. It's possible, isn't it?"
The bookmaker was sweating profusely, but still managed to speak.
"Missus, haven't you been listening to my conversation? The freelancer will definitely lose for sure. Why would you bet all your money on a guy with no skill-"
Otae smashed a bottle of wine right between his legs.
"Listen to me, Mr Bookmaker," she said, vein at the temple throbbing. "This freelancer might be the most useless person on the entire planet, but to say that he has no skills is a major disrespect to the samurai code he follows. Being a practitioner of swordsmanship as well, I don't like it when fat, old men go around criticizing other swordsmen, even if it's that natural perm. Did you get what I just said, you pathetic piece of shit?"
The bookmaker was trembling uncontrollably, his pants wet with liquid that was not wine.
"Yes, yes, I got it. You will be betting on Sakata Gintoki then? Don't say I didn't warn you…"
He quailed under her threatening glare.
"I will be off, see you!" he exclaimed, running off with his hands shielding the front of his pants.
"Hang on for a second there!"
The bookmaker halted in his tracks. Turning, he saw an old woman with a middle-aged woman with cat ears walking towards him.
"It's Empress Otose!" the bookmaker thought, panicking instantly. "Had she heard what I was saying just now? What kind of luck do I have today? Wetting my pants in front of a fiery young woman and badmouthing someone who is in the vicinity. I should have listened to Ketsuno Ana this morning when she had predicted that Leos will go through depression today. Damn it, why didn't I listen?!"
"Otose-san!" he said, clapping his hands together. "What a pleasure to meet you! But what are you doing here? Isn't this a place for men?"
"I am only here because a loyal customer of my shop had invited me," Otose said. "Waste of time, really. The wine at my shop is of the same quality as the ones they serve here, and the price is much lower. Why would so many men spend so much money on this scamming cabaret club when they could go to mine? Really, I don't get how men think."
"You don't say, Otose-san," Catherine agreed. "All these women don't even hold a candle to me. I mean, what could get a man more fired up than a pair of cat ears?"
The bookmaker nearly had a fit right there and then.
"Anyway, I heard that you were bookmaking for the upcoming match?" Otose asked.
"Yeah," he replied, averting his gaze. "I am."
"Very well, I will like to bet my shop on the freelancer," she said.
"Otose-san!" Catherine responded in shock.
"Your shop?" the bookmaker repeated weakly. "Isn't that your way of livelihood? What are you going to do if you lose your bet?"
"I don't know," Otose said, puffing on her pipe. "I suppose I could just retire, then."
"What the hell is with these people?" he thought. "Why do they trust this freelancer so much? What kind of characteristics does this man have to sway such influential figures in his way? I don't get it."
"Very well," he said. With that, he dashed off, completely forgetting that he had wet his pants.
Otose glanced over at Otae. When their eyes met, a smile seemed to pass between them for a second.
Kyuubei simply stared at her friend's face, before directing her gaze to the arena as well.
"If that guy loses, I will personally kill him," she said.
Otae gave a small smile.
"You will have to deal with his corpse, Kyuu-chan," she said. "I will be the first to kill him, after all."
"And without further ado," Kozenigata announced. "Let the warriors enter the arena-kamiyu."