Chapter Four: The Cult of the Damned

Arthas and Jaina made their way through the trees into Anderhol. Around them the shadows were growing longer, though it was still midday. Signs of blight could be seen here or there. Then, as they rounded a bend in the path, they saw a goldmine and around it were many cultists. They spoke unholy incantations and ritual markings could be seen around it. Tendrils were reaching up over the mine.

'Look, it's those cultists who were with the necromancer.' said Jaina 'What are they doing to that mine?'

'Let's not wait to find out,' said Arthas 'attack.'

'Maybe we should wait and see what they're up to.' said Jaina.

'Have you ever played call of Cthulu Jaina?' asked Arthas 'The only way you can stop an invasion of Old Ones is to kill the cultists before they can summon their god.' Then he hefted his hammer.

'Yes! It is happening!' cried the leader 'Soon the barrier between the worlds will be broken and a new golden age of happiness and puppies will come to humanity! From now on every day will be like Christmas and problems like hunger and death will be but an unpleasant memory- AH! OH GOD, THE PAIN! THE BASHING HORRIBLE PAIN OF BEING HIT WITH A GiANT HAMMER! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!'

The other cultists watched as Arthas beat their leader down. 'Huh, I guess they don't want a future of puppies and kittens.'

'Let's go with the demonic invasion thing.' said another.

'Okay.'

And they walked off. Arthas looked up from the brutalized corpse of his enemy to Jaina. 'Let's build our base camp here. What with those cultists creeping around, I'd rather not head in there without back up.'

'I couldn't agree more.' said Jaina.

And with that, a bunch of peasants came out of nowhere and began laying the foundations for a castle a barracks, and several other structures. Trees were felled and hours passed as stones were set into place. Falric came up to Arthas.

'…So is this going to help sir?' Falric asked.

'Yes, building a castle and barracks will allow us to produce peasants and footmen.' said Arthas 'We need our various buildings to rally our armies.'

'Yet surely we could simply call in reinforcements?' said Falric.

'Yeah, we call for reinforcements by building a building.' said Arthas 'Then we produce our reinforcements from the building.'

'But… but surely the soldiers just sleep in the barracks.' said Falric 'They aren't actually born and bred within it.'

'Of course not.' said Arthas 'We just clone them.'

'Oh.' said Falric 'That… uh, raises all kinds of ethical questions.'

'We've committed mass genocide five times this week and you are complaining about us using clone soldiers to die in droves?' noted Arthas.

'Be that as it may, maybe we don't have time to construct a castle, a barracks and a full on mining operation, and multiple heavy towers before taking out Kel'thuzad.' said Falric 'Time is sort of the essence.'

'Oh come on, Falric.' laughed Arthas 'What's the worst that could happen?'

Three years later after their fortifications were complete and they succeeded in destroying an undead bastion which was erected at the same time, they reached a destroyed city. Falric came back with some predictable news.

'Yeah, all the plagued shipments of grain have already been sent out.' said Falric.

'No! This is terrible! If only we'd had more time!' said Jaina.

'Yeah, if only the Prince hadn't had us construct a full-blown city over the course of years!' snapped Falric 'What did you think was going to happen?!'

It was at this point that Kel'thuzad got back. He was dressed in a flowery shirt and shorts and holding a surfboard. Blinking, he quickly ran behind a building and emerged in his full necromancer garb. 'Hello again children, I am Kel'thuzad.' he said 'And I've come to deliver a warning, leave well enough alone. Your curiosity will be the death of you.'

'Well you heard the nice high traitor Arthas!' said Jaina 'Let's go home and get married!'

'Hold on a second Jaina.' said Arthas 'So Kel'thuzad you're saying that if we leave right now, you'll stop killing people?'

'No, I'll probably just keep doing it.' said Kel'thuzad 'And eventually kill you once I've killed everyone else.'

'Then I don't see how leaving well enough alone is going to help.' said Arthas.

'Well, you could always hide under a bed and pretend as though it isn't happening.' suggested Kel'thuzad.

'…Not really convinced.' said Arthas.

'Damn that usually works.' mused Kel'thuzad, before mulling things over.

'Usually?' asked Arthas 'Against who?'

'Against the grain inspectors, and the knights who were supposed to stop us from killing people.' said Kel'thuzad 'Not against Uther though.'

'Well thank goodness for that.' muttered Arthas.

'I just told him it would be bad PR to interfere with free trade.' said Kel'thuzad.

'We're a medieval society!' snapped Arthas 'We don't have free trade! We still act on a tariff system for god's sake!'

'Well perhaps you should go and tell Uther that right now.' said Kel'thuzad.

'I will, and-' Arthas laughed 'Oho, almost got me there!'

'Well, it was worth a try.' mused Kel'thuzad.

'So who are you working for anyway?' asked Arthas.

'Oh, um Mal'ganis.' said Kel'thuzad 'Sort of a Dreadlord, demon thing.'

'And uh… what is your motive?' asked Arthas.

'We believe that everyone in Azeroth is a complete moron and that they all need to die for the sake of everyone else.' said Kel'thuzad 'Which is why we're going to kill everyone.]'

'That's not very nice.' said Jaina 'People don't like to be killed.'

'Also kind of an overreaction.' mused Arthas.

'You obviously haven't lived on Azeroth very long.' shot back Kel'thuzad.

'Well whether I have or not, you're under arrest.' said Arthas, raising his hammer.

'Ah, but if you mean to arrest me,' said Kel'thuzad 'you'll have to catch me first!'

And he raced off.

'Get him!' said Arthas.

They raced after Kel'thuzad into a dark forest and finally into a dark castle that loomed over the landscape with an unholy leer. Suddenly Kel'thuzad halted in front of a hall leading into many different doors, all of which looked the same. The necromancer motioned with his staff.

'Quick my minions!' he cried 'Into that room!'

And they raced in moments before Arthas could get to him. Arthas looked to Jaina with narrowed eyes. 'Jaina, start the Benny Hills theme.'

Then they chased after them.

Shortly thereafter Kel'thuzad came out of one of the doors, racing across the hall into another with Arthas not far behind. He made the door and came out of another with Jaina chasing him. Then another with Falric chasing him.

Then Arthas, Jaina, and Falric ran out of one of the doors pursued by an army of abominations with Kel'thuzad trailing behind them. Then as Arthas went through one of the doors he came out the one behind Kel'thuzad and grabbed.

'Aha! We've got him!' said Falric.

Then the real Kel'thuzad walked out of another door laughing. 'Aha! You fool! That's only a regular Necromancer named Ted wearing green!'

'Damn,' said Arthas 'after him!'

They went after him. There were a series of similshenanigansans before at last Kel'thuzad was surrounded on all sides.

'Gotcha!' said Arthas 'Now you will pay for you-'

It was at this moment that a parade of doomguards high kicked their way through one door into another, wearing tutus. Arthas stared as it passed and said the only thing that came to mind. 'WHAT?!'

'Sir, Kel'thuzad escaped again.' said Falric.

'Damn it!' said Arthas.

'We can't catch him! He's too fast!' said Jaina.

'Hold on, I've got an idea!' said Arthas, before spinning his hammer. Wind whipped around him in a tornado as golden light appeared around his hammer. Kel'thuzad came out of one of the doors as triumphant music played.

'What is this-' began Kel'thuzad.

'WIND SCAR!' said Arthas, before unleashing a swordbeam that destroyed the whole set and slashed Kel'thuzad across the chest.

'What?' said Falric.

'I ret conned the lore so that I have the power to cast Wind Scar from Inuyasha.' said Falric 'Don't worry, we'll never mention it again after this point.'

'Wow, I sure am glad we live in a universe where the fabric of reality and history itself can be rewritten on a whim simply to facilitate lazy storytelling.' said Jaina.

'I know right!' said Arthas.

'Naive… fool…' said Kel'thuzad 'my death will make little difference in the long run. For now, the scourging of this land… begins…'

'How ominous.' said Arthas 'He is dead, yet I fear the echoes of his atrocities shall-'

'Let's go to Harthglen and get married! WHEE!' said Jaina, before grabbing his hand and dragging him into the sunset. 'Lalalalalalalala!'

'God damn it.' said Arthas.

Authors Note:

Sorry this chapter took so long to come out. I had no idea how to fill the space. Ultimately I ended up having a much shorter chapter than usual and that was with filler. I included the Benny Hills thing because this one was turning out too short.

Also it really seems like Falric took up the role of only sane man in this chapter.