M.P.O.: *bangs head on desk* I'm soooo sorry, there really is no excuse for how late this is. I got stuck halfway through this chapter, even with my outline, and then we got a new puppy and I had to gush over her. (Named her Lilith, if anyone's interested.) I was going to post on the26th, but I ended up out of town with family, and had no internet until the 31st. Urgh. I'm going to space the updates a bit to try and give myself more time to write, considering that I'm doing longer chapters now. On another note, I got my first ever reviewed threat! *dances*

" Seimika says: *stabs authors eyes out with a fork and puts a handful of maggots where they used to be*...ok now I am content to wait alil longer "

All I have to say is ouch, and I'm glad you like it enough to be THAT upset that I haven't posted.

So anyway, it's late, but hopefully just as good as the last few. The response for the last chapter was great, and I hope I can get that kind of response in this one too, especially considering that it was late in getting posted. Better late and awesome than on time and rushed, ya know? *sweatdrop* Review thanks and question answers below. Thanks for reading, and please enjoy this installment of Malleus Daemonium.

Chapter 3: His Butler; Deceiving.

The next morning found Harry sitting cross legged on his bed, a breakfast tray settled on his lap, and a letter in hand. Green eyes scanned the parchment, an almost amused smirk quirking his lips upwards ever so slightly. After a minute, he set the letter down, snorting and taking a bite of the scrambled eggs Sebastian had made him this morning. Said demon looked up, red eyes glittering as he arranged a pile of freshly washed clothes.

"Your friends seem to be amusing you today, my lord."

"Astute as ever, Sebastian." Harry replied, smiling. "They seem to have caught wind of the fact that Dementors were around Little Whinging and are panicking. If Hermione is correct, and she likely is, they'll be picking me up sometime this afternoon."

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. "You'll be needing your things packed away then. Would you like to keep the rags, or shall I burn them?" He gestured to the pile of hand-me-downs, faint distain coloring his words, though that ever polite smile never once changed. Harry hummed, tapping the folded letter against his chin before answering.

"Burn them. I won't be returning here next year, so I shall have no need of Dudley's cast-offs." He thought some more, then nodded. "I'll need to see about getting to Diagon. I'd like to be emancipated and legally a Lord before returning to Hogwarts. The less control Dumbledore has, the less chance I have of returning here for the summer." He made a face, pushing aside the empty tray and slipping off of the bed, picking up the neatly folded pile of clothing set aside with a towel.

"I shall plan accordingly, my lord." Sebastian bowed, resting his right hand over his heart as he opened the door. Harry shook his head, stepping into the hall and padding across to the bathroom.

That evening, after the Dursley's had left for some dinner thing with a big shot at Grunnings, Harry waited, his trunk settled at the foot of his bed, fully packed. He was dressed in black slacks that looked like jeans, with a white short sleeve shirt under a long sleeved, dark green button-up that hung open. Sebastian, for once not hiding in his sleeve, was coiled loosely around his neck, looking very much like a multi-looped scale necklace, but for the red eyes and forked tongue that made it's appearance every few seconds. He had decided that since the butler would always be around, it was better to say he had a new familiar than to keep everyone suspicious by speaking parseltongue to nothing.

After a half hour of quiet, in which Harry read quietly from one of the books Sebastian had given him on politics, three distinct thuds sounded from the backyard. Closing his book after marking the page with a silk ribbon, he stood and stepped quietly to the wide french doors that opened onto the patio. Peeking out, he noted three figures, one tall and thin, with graying brown hair and a ragged robe; another short and rather stocky, with what looked like a fake leg; and the last an unfamiliar figure with bright pink hair. The first person stepped forward, knocking quietly on the frame and waiting. Sliding the door open just a hair, Harry raised an eyebrow.

"When did I start my lessons in 3rd year?" He asked through the opening, smirking at the look of astonishment on the man's face.

"Just after the New Year, on January 6th, at 8 O'clock." Remus Lupin answered with a smile.

"What is the name of my dog and what does he resemble?"

"Snuffles looks like a Grim." Harry grinned, pulling the door open wider and letting the three in, glancing curiously at the brooms each of them held. "About time you got here, I've been going stir-crazy."

Remus grinned, pulling Harry into a short hug and ruffling his hair fondly. "You don't look like you've been bored. Jeese pup, what have you been eating?" Sebastian shifted a little, annoyed at being squished, and Remus jerked in surprise. "What's that?"

"Oh, yeah... I uh, have a new familiar. Remus, meet Sebastian." Harry grinned sheepishly, lifting a hand up so that Sebastian could slip onto it. The black cobra did so with little prompting, red eyes trained on the other two who had stepped in behind Remus. The girl with pink hair shivered, while the man, the real Mad-Eye Moody, narrowed his eyes at it.

"Ah... interesting. What is he?" Remus asked, watching Sebastian as if the deadly snake were about to bite him. Harry tilted his head, thinking, before addressing Sebastian with a small frown, ignoring the sharp gasps of surprise from the three.

/What are you supposed to be?/

/An Egyptian Asp./

/Ah./ He looked up, studiously ignoring the suspicious glances from Moody, and smiled. "He's an Egyptian Asp."

"Interesting." Remus replied, going silent for a moment before Moody cleared his throat, looking pointedly at Harry. "Oh, Harry, this is Mad-Eye Moody and Nymphadora Tonks. They agreed to come with me to pick you up, protection and whatnot." Tonks growled at Remus, her hair going bright red for a few seconds before fading back to it's original neon pink.

"Word of advice, NEVER call me Nymphadora. I will hex you with every pranking spell in my arsenal, and there are a lot." Tonks threatened cheerfully, narrowing her eyes at him. Harry snickered, nodding.

"Got it, Tonks." Moody snorted, limping forward and glaring at them.

"Come on boy, we haven't got all the time in the world. We need to get you out of here before those relatives of yours show up." The scarred man growled, electric blue eyes spinning wildly in it's socket. Harry nodded, then frowned, tilting his head.

"My trunk's in my room... Where are we going? And how are we getting there?"

After flying over most of Britain for an hour, his hands freezing to the handle of his Firebolt, and his teeth chattering a mile a minute, Harry decided that he was going to hex whoever's idea it was to do so, when such things as Apparition and Portkey were available. Hell, he would have preffered the Knight Bus over the chilling ride through 30degree clouds with an extremely annoyed serpent coiled in the warmest place he could find- never mind that Sebastian was a demon and could have become something with better tolerance to the colder atmosphere. The black snake insisted that it was merely because Harry could understand him in this form and to change would instigate questions that would be difficult to answer.

Remus, having landed first, shook his shoulders out and unhooked Harry's trunk from it's harness. Moody, stumping around and grumbling under his breath, shoved a grubby peice of paper into Harry's hand, instructing him to 'read, memorize, burn.' Sebastian, poking his head of of Harry's sleeve, inspected the spiky writing with a critical eye.

/I know of this place... The Black family home. Nasty bunch, as I recall./ Harry snorted, thinking of the stories Sirius had told him.

/Nasty indeed. Sirius isn't so bad though. A little bonkers, but that's expected after 12 years in Azkaban./ Harry replied, shrugging a little and watching the house expand from between it's counterparts. A black metal gate popped into place and Remus smirked, pulling Harry's trunk behind him as he swung it open, gesturing for Harry to go first.

The door was grimy, covered in years of filth and grit. Only the door handle and knocker seemed untouched, both made to look like silver serpents with emerald eyes that seemed to watch him as he stepped closer. Moody, reaching past him, lightly tapped his wand on the door, muttering a string of latin. Creaking softly, the thick wood swung open, revealing a dark hallway, coated with cobwebs; the walls fairly dripping with gloom and madness. Harry blinked, seeing something affixed to the walls on either side, like the mounted animal heads he had seen in some places. Only once he had stepped inside, closer to one of them, did he realize that they were house-elf heads, set on dark wooden backs with a small bronze plate with the elf name and years of service written on it. Ignoring Sebastian's dark mutterings about how unclean the whole place was, he eyed a few of them, noting that none of them had under 50 years of service.

'Hermione would throw a fit if she saw this...' He mused, continuing down the hall, subconsciously staying as quiet as he could. Gas lamps lit with a soft hiss, casting a dim glow over the peeling wallpaper and threadbare carpet. A cobwebbed chandelier hung in the center of the long hallway, the silver metal twisted and curved, appearing to be snakes twining their way across each other.

Footsteps announced the arrival of Mrs. Weasley, the plump red head beaming at them as she slipped from a door at the end of the hall. Harry smiled back as she pulled him into a tight hug, ignoring Sebastian's sudden bout of annoyed hissing as he was made to move again, the demon snake slipping back up to coil around his master's neck.

"Oh, Harry, it's lovely to see you!" She whispered, eyeing him critically and looking a bit surprised. "You've filled out some dear, and you look so nice!" She smiled, plucking at the sleeve of his shirt, oblivious to the red eyes watching her from the folds of his collar. Before he could answer, she had turned and was whispering to the other three. "He's just arrived, the meeting's started..." Harry blinked, making to follow as Remus, Tonks, and Moody made noises of interest and headed for the door, only to be held back by Mrs. Weasley, who gave him an apologetic look.

"No, Harry, the meeting's only for members of the Order. Ron and Hermione are upstairs, you can wait with them until the meeting's over and then we'll have dinner. And keep your voice down in the hall," She whispered to him, leading him down the hallway to a set of stairs, skirting past a pair of moth-eaten curtains and an ugly looking Umbrella stand that Harry swiftly identified as a severed trolls leg.

"I'll just show you to where you're sleeping." Harry followed, running a hand over Sebastian's cool scales as they stepped lightly up the stairs, amused by how quiet everything was. He suspected that something would start yelling, or maybe explode, should anyone talk above a whisper. He wondered how on earth Fred and George had managed it.

"Here you are dear. Ron and Hermione will explain everything, I've got to dash." She smiled, patting his shoulder, and hurried off again, leaving him to stare at the door.

/You are nervous, my lord?/

/Not nervous, no... Just... a little upset. They've both been here together for who knows how long, and I was stuck back at the Dursley's. Granted, this vacation has been better than my last ones, but still. They left me out, and I don't like it./

/Maybe they were told not to tell you? Can you blame them for listening to the adults? You won't know their side of things until you go in, my lord./

/You're right, as always./ Harry smirked, scratching under Sebastian's chin before taking a deep breath, steeling himself and grabbing the doorknob. He caught a brief glimpse of a high ceiling, twin beds, and a rather gloomy atmosphere before a mass of bushy brown hair obscured his view. He could hear excited twittering, which indicated Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon, circling overhead.

"HARRY! Ron, he's here, Harry's here! We didn't hear you arrive! Oh, how are you? Are you alright? Have you been furious with us? I bet you have, I know our letters were useless- but we couldn't tell you anything, Dumbledore made us swear we wouldn't, oh we've got so much to tell you, and you've got to tell us- the Dementors! When we heard- and the Ministry not doing anything- it's just outrageous!"

"Let him breathe, Hermione," Ron snickered, closing the door behind Harry. The red head had grown taller, standing several more inches higher than Harry, though the brilliant red hair and freckles were the same as ever. Hermione let him go, beaming, and as she stepped back, a mass of white soared towards him, landing on his shoulder with a soft hoot. Harry smiled, raising a hand to stroke her feathers, only to blink at Hermione, who had been staring at his collar.

"What?"

"Harry... why is there a snake around your neck?" She asked slowly. Harry bit his lip, the picture of insecurity, and looked down, catching a glimpse of Sebastian as he moved across his neck, tightening his coils ever so slightly.

"I got a familiar over the summer, to help with my...er... blind spot. His name is Sebastian."He finally answered, keeping his uncovered eye glued to the black scales, pointedly ignoring the faintly hissed laugh at his act. Hermione frowned slightly while Ron, staring incredulously, edged around to stand behind the bushy haired girl.

"I get the need for another familiar mate, but a snake? That's like... I dunno, Slytherin!" Harry frowned.

"Having a snake isn't a sign of instant evil, Ron, and yes I know that's what you're thinking." He spat, glaring. "I chose a snake as my familiar because I can talk to him. What's the point of having something to help me see if I can't understand it anyway?"

Hermione bit her lip, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, undecided. Harry could tell that she was torn between adhereing to the belief that snakes are Dark no questions asked, and the logical explanation Harry had given. It amused him somewhat to see Hogwarts' brightest Witch confused. Ron on the other hand, merely scowled, his face reddening slowly.

"Parseltongue's the mark of a Dark Wizard, Harry. By having a snake familiar, you're letting all the other Dark Wizards know that you can speak it, and making them think you're on their side, and that's dangerous! Unless..."

"Unless what, Ronald?" Harry's gaze narrowed, green eyes like chips of jade as they focused on the red head.

"Ron, don't-" Hermione started, only to be cut off by the suspicious Weasley.

"Unless you're going dark!"

Harry stared at his long time friend, eyes wide in disbelief. He had known that his friend was quick to judge, and tended to speak without thinking, but he never expected that the red head would have accused his best friend of going dark. 'One of the perks of being the Boy-Who-Lived.' He mused, lowering his gaze. Ron looked triumphant, while Hermione was wide-eyed and white with shock.

"I suppose you could have a point, Weasley." Harry started, keeping his gaze on Sebastian. "An entirely unfounded, narrowminded, idiotic point of view, but a point of view nonetheless." He looked up, pinning Ron with an icey glare. "Since you seem to think I'm turning against all that you have been told, I shall take my leave. Feel free to change your mind, and if you do, please crawl back to beg my forgiveness." He spat, turning for the door and looking back once.

"I can assure you it won't be so easy to gain." He sneered, borrowing Malfoy's favorite expression and exiting the room in a few swift steps. Leaning against the wall, he took a calming breath, easing into the meditative steps he had been using for a month now.

"There you are!" Harry jumped, opening his uncovered eye to stare at the owner of the voice, one Sirius Orion Black, his Godfather and technical Lord of the House of Black. Technical because, well... he was an escaped prisoner. Innocent, but escaped all the same.

"Sirius!" He crowed happily, leaping forward to hug the man, enjoying the feeling of strong arms catching him and hugging back. The blue eyed man laughed, a bark-like noise reminiscent of his animagus form, and ruffled his hair fondly, tipping his head back a little to frown at the eye-patch.

"Poppy couldn't heal it, could she? Ah well. Moony tells me you have a new pet, though he refrained from saying what it was. Let's see it!" The older man bounced a little, blue eyes eager, and Harry laughed, lifting a hand to brush Sebastian's scales.

"Yes, I have a familiar now. His name is Sebastian." He answered softly, smiling fondly at the smooth black scales. He didn't look back up, afraid that Sirius too would condemn him for having such a creature. He was surprised when, instead of spouting how wrong it was, the man bent closer, examining Sebastian critically.

"Good choice kiddo. Perfect for you really, with that blind spot and all."

"You- you're not mad at me?" He asked, glancing at Sirius through his bangs, green eyes wide. Sirius chuckled softly, ruffling already messy hair.

"Course not. Why would you think that?"

Harry looked down, shuffling his feet. "Well... Ron said it was bad. I just thought..."

"That I'd be the same way? Nah, I don't care about that pup. I'd be a right horrible godfather if I cared about stuff like that." Sirius waved a hand, as if to dismiss the very notion, and tapped his chin.

"Right, I was supposed to get you. Dumbledore would like a word with you about the dementors." He made a face, obviously remembering something better forgotten, and shook his head. Harry frowned.

"There's not much to tell." Sirius shrugged, turning to head for the stairs.

"You'll have to tell that to him, I guess. He won't listen to me."

Harry sighed, following after and pondering what he was going to say.

Everyone was staring at him, some with awed expressions, others with curiosity, and even one with disdain, though that last one wasn't unusual. Shifting uncomfortably, He kept his gaze lowered, avoiding the twinkling blue eyes of the leader of this little party. They had been questioning him for around an hour now, going over every tiny scrap of information they could get and generally annoying the teenaged Savior to no end. He wanted to go get some sleep dammit, why couldn't they shut the bloody hell up already?

"...were obliterated!" Someone was saying. The bright green hair and violet eyes gave her away as Tonks, the woman who had come to get him earlier that day. "One of them was in pieces and the other was splattered all over the wall!" She continued, gesturing wildly. Dumbledore, fingers laced in front of his chin, merely nodded, having heard all of it already.

"Yes Nymphadora, you've told us the details already. What I am still curious about it how this happened. Harry...?"

He sighed, resisting the rather powerful urge to bash his head into the table and be done with it.

"For the last time, I don't know what did it. I was unconscious at the time and obviously don't know anything. I woke up in bed the next morning with a splitting headache and no idea how I had gotten home. That's all I can tell you." He answered, irritated. Sebastian hissed a soft laugh and looped around his neck again, enjoying the stifled whimper from some woman across the table. He had been doing it periodically while they were there, finding it amusing that the woman seemed to forget that there was a deadly viper wrapped snugly around their savior's neck. Harry enjoyed it too, it was simply too funny not to. "If you're going to be finished soon, I'd rather like to get some sleep. Long day and all that." He stifled a yawn to prove his point and rested his chin on his arms.

Dumbledore sighed, pulling his hands apart and nodding slowly.

"Very well, Harry. If you're sure that there is nothing else you can tell us, you may go."

"Thank you, Professor." He stood, stretching carefully, and made for the door as fast as propriety would allow, then headed up the stairs to look for a room. He wasn't going to share one with Ron, not while the boy was being an idiot, nor did he want to share with anyone really.

/Didn't you pack a light meal in my trunk?/ He asked Sebastian, poking his head into a doorway, only to pull back when faced with a small study and continue on his way.

/I did. It should be at the top, in the wicker basket, young master./

/Thank you./ He smiled, pushing open another door and finding a small bedroom with dusty green sheets and a four poster silver bed frame with thick black curtains. Sebastian hissed in distaste, slipping down and morphing as soon as the door was closed.

"Absolutely deplorable." The demon sniffed, red eyes roving the room. Harry nodded, settling his trunk at the end of the bed and opening it, grabbing the small basket of food.

"I suspect that Sirius' family has long passed. And with him being in Azkaban for 12 years, it's no wonder the house is a mess. He hates this place, so far as I'm aware."

"I would imagine so." Sebastian replied, pulling a pair of night clothes from the trunk as he spoke and setting them on top of it with a clean towel. "Might I suggest a warm bath while I tidy up, my lord?"

"May as well. I need to find a way to get to Diagon later, and the Ministry." He replaced the basket, having eaten the sweet snack inside, and grabbed his clothes, heading for the door. "Oh, sneak around some tonight, would you? I want to see what the Black's had in the way of a library." Sebastian smiled pleasantly, bowing.

"Of course, master."

M.P.O.: Alright, I reaaaaaaaaally hope I did OK on this one. Sebastian's actions have changed things sooner than I expected. Baaaad Butler, Bad. XD I didn't get as far as I wanted in this one (I had wanted to get him to the ministry somehow, but need to figure out how to do that), but I wanted to get it posted before going seriously over my deadline. That and my space bar has decided to be glitchy on me. *sweatdrop* With any luck, you'll have your next update by September 13th at the earliest, the end of the month reasonably or whenever I can bloody finish it otherwise. XD. Anywho, review thanks and Question Answers below.

Thanks to: FallenHope-Angel, PinkSakura200, beautiful crime, Alaziel, Barrel of Monkeys, Kage 5243, Silver Ghost, hedwigfan, tamzingrace, xXxOtAkU-444xXx, AnimeIceFox, SensiblyTainted, Lady Teldra, YamiIcepath, GenoBeast, Angelus, TristaDin, SilverDragon-Purity, Almecestris, Sara132, Tsuki Yosuke, SelenaWolf, Mistress Sayu, momocolady, swexe, Touch of the Wind, Lady No Da 201, Grasping Insanity, mabidiso, SethMaxwell06, and raisuke134; for some truely wonderful reviews. The praise I get for being the most original HP/Kuro fic is simply astounding. I'm ever so glad that I can stay original in my idea's. Gives one a tingly feeling of power, it does!

Now to address some questions and concerns you reviewers had.

Will Umbridge be there?: Oh yes, I plan on having lots of fun with the toad. Don't worry.

Turning Harry into a Ciel clone by giving him the Phantomhive Estate...: I do not plan on having Harry a Ciel clone, don't worry. If you'll notice, he only read the document, he never signed it, and he said he'd think about it. In either case, Harry isn't going to the be 'Queen's Dog', mostly because he has his own thing to worry about and I don't want to think up complicated crime scenes and stuff. So yes, Harry will be taking control of the Estates, but in title only, Sebastian (during the random moments in which he is not with Harry) will be taking care of all of that, minus being the Queen's Watchdog, as that's a little too old of a practice to be used anymore. I won't be writing all that out though, so use your imagination.

Sebby's reaction to Crookshanks?: That poor poor cat...*evil grin*

Harry seems a little darker than in cannon...: He is, to an extent. My version of Harry is cultivated from years of reading HP fandom, debates on the nature of magic as seen in cannon (which is so vague that it leaves a lot of room for elaboration) and a lot of my own personality mixed with the characteristics I've felt would be good for him. So, while being a figurehead of the 'Light', my Harry will be a Neutrally alligned Wizard. He won't use Dark magic as consistently as light or grey magic, but the effect of his studying for the Third Task and his subsequent Contract have made him a little more open to the darker side of life. Besides, I rather like an Intelligent Harry vs the Niaeve Harry in cannon.

My view on demons: I had someone ask how I viewed the demons used in this story, being that I said that theoretically they could show such emotions as affection or love... To put it simply, my version of the Demons like Sebastian or Claude are more humanoid than your average devil horns and cleft hooved demons. They're supposed to be kind of like the Aristocracy in the Demon realm (something I made up to explain Seb's reaction to the Dementors and their similarities in the last chapter), and so have the ability to pose as a human for whatever reason they wish. They can feel and display all the emotions of a human, but because they are NOT human, the way they show these emotions are different. Sebastian for instance, always has a smile on his face, no matter if he is irritated with something, amused, or just plain indifferent. The most annoyed he's ever looked in the series (that I can remember), is a slight frown on occasion. Claude, in Kuroshitsuji II, frowns an aweful lot, and narrows his eyes to show irritation or annoyance. Also, because they aren't human, it takes a lot more to elicit an angry or annoyed emotion than in a normal human. Such emotions as love or affection aren't directed at the person they're bound to, say with Harry and Sebastian, but rather to the Soul itself, which the demon will eventually consume. I don't know about you, but I certainly love and adore a good Olive Garden Chicken Alfredo... XD. I think I explained that right. Lol, if you have a question, just PM or review it, and I'll attempt to clarify for you.

Since at this point Harry has two souls in him, does that mean he could barter Voldie Moldy's when the contract is complete instead of his own? : As interesting an idea as that is, I'm afraid that's a no. The Contract was that Harry would give up his soul to get rid of Voldemort, which means all of Voldemort. I have yet to figure out exactly what Sebastian is going to do once he figures out that Harry has a soul piece in him.

Is Sebastian still toting around silverware?: Would he be Sebastian without it? No! So, yes, he is. *smirk*

Ciel leaving any other surprises for Harry?: I'm unsure. If anyone has any idea's about what Ciel could have left, aside from his story or advice, I'd be glad to take them into consideration.

Will Harry tell his friends?: I have no clue what Harry is going to do about all that just yet. For now, he plans to keep it to himself, like any good little semi-Slytherin would. XD Who knows though, that could change.

Master of Death?: Hahahahahahahahaha, we'll get to that when it comes around, don't worry my dear dear reader. *cackles evilly*

I also have an answer for those confused about why Harry still has Voldemort's soul piece in his head. It's simple, really. Being that he set up the ritual with the intent of dying for a purpose (getting the Contract), the 'selfless sacrifice' version of events that played out in the book was not a part of his. He sacrificed himself, FOR himself, with the intent of making the contract or dying in the process. The Avada, being a spell meant for death and containing death 'energies' as it were, merely acted as a power boost for the ritual, sparking it into life and giving it the necessary magic to push Harry into the demon world. This also leaves Harry with the ability to speak Parseltongue, AND to have the visions, which as we know were an important part of the 5th book. Also... frankly: because I wanted him to. And my creative liscense bumper sticker give me the authority to do so, so NYAH! *giggles*

Harry seems to have accepted Sebastian too easily?: I didn't think it came off like that, but OK. You may want to note that Harry made the contract on June 24th according to the HPLexicon. He sent Sebastian off to gather information and Sebastian came back to him about a week into his summer vacation. Now, the book said they had a month after the task, in which the students took exams and Harry lazed around (correct me if I'm wrong) and in the second chapter, I said that there was a month left of school before Harry would head home. Thus, Harry had approximately 4-5 weeks to digest everything and get over his awkwardness about having the contract in the first place.

On a last note in the obscenely looooooong AN, I now have a twitter account where you can follow me and how i'm doing on any of my fics at the time. You can also post things you might like to see in said fics, and other little things. Link is in my Profile. Oh, and here's that Omake from the false chapter 4 that I posted so ffn wouldn't bitch. Someone said I should keep it, so here you go!

OMAKE:

Dudley Dursley was sitting in the living room, piggy little eyes glued to the TV while his hand move automatically, shoving large chunks of rich chocolate cake into the chasm that served as his mouth. His rather large rear end was on the verge of obliterating the cushion beneath him, the poor thing was squashed nearly flat by the large boy's weight. Harry, sitting nearby, stared in revolted amazement as three bags of chips, two plates of cake, a carton of ice cream, and five sausages disappeared into his cousin's gullet. He wasn't even sure if the obese boy could taste what he was eating, much less enjoy it.

"You're a fat fatty aren't you?" He blinked, clapping a hand over his mouth in horror. The words had slipped out, completely without his authorization, but there it was. Dudley paused in his motions, blue eyes flickering to green before resting on the television again. Sebastian, lounging on his shoulder, hissed in amusement.

/Beauty is only skin deep, my lord./

"Well it's a deep search for him then. Isn't it, Fatty?" Once again, the words slipped out, not even in parseltongue as he had expected. Dudley didn't react, though the intake of food seemed to have slowed minutely.

"Once you get under the skin nothing else matters, though that could be because I'd be suffocating on all the fat. I'll bet you can't even see your toes, can you? What about your thigh? Belly button? Those moobs get in the way, do they?" Harry was near mad with wild giggles, barely able to talk, even though he tried his best to stop the flow of words. It was as though some outside force had taken control of his mouth and was using it to spout whatever nonsense it could find to toss into reality. Sebastian, the usually calm demon snake, was twitching faintly, carefully restraining any sign of his mirth, though it still looked like the black cobra was having a fit.

Dudley, finally realizing he was being talked at, if not to, looked over, pudgy face set in a scowl of annoyance.

"What're you on about, freak? You're interrupting my show."

Harry tried not to, he really did...

"Oh it's alright, go back to the show. Just do me one favor... Bend over a little so I can scrape off some of that fat. I've got a craving for Fatty bacon." It was unsurprising that Dudley, having turned back to the TV already, turned in his chair, blue eyes wide with greed.

"Bacon?"

"Oh yes, tons of it, right the under those voluptuous back moobs, Fatty." Harry was glad that he was skinny and fast, else Dudley's reaction surely would have hurt. The huge boy had leapt from his seat- well heaved would be a better word, Harry could have sworn the chair shrieked in agony at least- and pounded after his smaller cousin. Sebastian, hissing wildly, looped his coils more securely and held on while Harry ran, darting around his cousin and out the door, away from Number Four. Dudley, winded, sat back down and resumed his feasting, soon forgetting about his cousin as he gorged himself.

Elsewhere, in a living room far far away, a lone writer giggled madly, adding the finishing touches to a truly obscene work. Idly petting the soft fur of a brown puppy, she gleefully pressed the save button.