WARNING: The last section contains spoilers for The Impossible Astronaut. The parts in bold and italic relate sections of the episode, but the regular text contains reactions to it.

Remaining standing, let alone escaping the chaos, was impossible. Or almost completely impossible. Luckily, Whovians tend to expect the impossible, since the Doctor pulls off 'almost completely impossible' as easily as brushing his teeth.

Evelyn and Ashley linked elbows, letting themselves get washed along until they found Sara hiding behind some people in really elaborate Cyberman costumes who seemed intent on re-enacting the Doomsday showdown. "You will be deleted."

"Da-leks do not take or-ders!" An eyestalk swiveled towards the Cyberman.

"You will be upgraded. Resistance is futile."

"Sara! Over here!" Ashley shouted.

"I can't move!"

"We'll come to you. Just stay where you are."

"That's kind of the whole problem," Sara gasped.

With some elbows to guts and 'accidentally' stepping on a few feet, the girls edged behind the Cybermen and grabbed Sara's shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"But Zoe and Icey—"

"Zoe's over there, by the Sontaran commander. And I think I saw Icey a moment ago—hold on, did that Sontaran just fire his gun? Where'd he get the weapon?"

"The staff wouldn't have handed out weapons. Which means—that's a real Sontaran, somehow. And those Cybermen—" Evelyn stared at them. "Those are real Cybermen. Sweet sonic screwdriver, real Cybermen."

"We don't have time to puzzle over it now. Zoe! Zoe!" Sara yelled.

Zoe huddled behind the Sontaran, hoping he would focus on the Daleks and not the female half-form (well, three-quarters form, she supposed) with access to his probic vent. "Sara? Ashley? Icey?"

"Zoe? Can you move towards us?" Sara waved her free hand, barely missing another blast from the Daleks.

"I'll try," She edged into the medley. The swirling eddies had washed downstream, leaving stagnant crowds. As the others plowed forward, she shoved her way towards them.

"Gotcha!" Sara exclaimed. "Now, where's Icey? Icey!"

"Ice!"

"Nichelle!"

"Silence! All humans will surrender," The head Dalek announced. "Resistance is futile. We will destroy the males, the females, the descendants."

"What males?" Evelyn muttered. "Icey!"

"I don't know where she is—you don't think the Daleks got her, do you?"

"They can't be holding her hostage—it's too chaotic for that," Sara stumbled and nearly fell. "We might be better off going back to our room."

"She could be trampled," Zoe protested.

"And so could we. That wouldn't help anyone."

"We can come back later," Sara added. "Besides, don't we have classes tomorrow?"

Another shot bounced off the wall behind them. "Discretion is the better part of valor, especially if you only have one life," Ashley decided.

Two hours, forty-nine minutes, thirty-five seconds later….

Grace yanked the TARDIS key off her neck. "Oh, that was so precious. Just to see them so stunned—bait and switch has never worked so well."

"The dimension cannon worked perfectly," Roheryn pulled a meter from the pocket of her long, sweeping trenchcoat. "And the fuel tanks are brim-full. Why do we need the solar power?"

"If we ran on pure HONF, the students would be gibbering idiots."

Esther adjusted her scarf. "Some of them already are. I think you missed an adjective, though. They'd be terrified, gibbering idiots."

"Yes, Professor," Rohreyn glanced at a limp form on the floor. "You sure they'll wake up?"

"The cannon drained the Daleks' power till the rays were at incapacitating levels. Since we don't see heaps of people-dust, I'd say it worked. Twenty-some people. We should make sure they wake up before we leave."

"Got to get ready for the Impossible Astronaut! I want something River Song-ish to wear. At least my hair's ready." Esther bounced forward, using her sonic pen to scan a girl with long brown hair. "This one should be fine."

"As long as the Sontaran didn't hit her by mistake. Why didn't we think to disable weapons when they registered?" Grace rolled her eyes.

"Because that would be no fun." Roheryn checked out another girl. "A bit concussed, but the baseline data indicates there's no recognizable difference."

The brunette sat up, rubbing her shoulder. "If I was dead, this wouldn't hurt. So I'm not dead."

"Brilliant deduction. Do you know where you are?"

"Whoniversity. I was shot by a Dalek…and survived!" She punched the air. "Bragging rights for Icey!"

"There'll be more than that to brag about," Grace said softly.

"Can you help me find my room? I'm sure my roommates are worried about me, and well, we got lost trying to come down here."

Grace, Esther and Roheryn exchanged glances.

Should we? She was just injuried…

And it's only the first day.

Roheryn pulled out a playing-card sized device. "Just tell it your reTARDIS number and it will tell you when to turn. It'll be useless afterwards, though.

"Thanks." She waved and headed towards the door.

Another girl began to stir. "Oh, that hurt. That really hurt. I think I need a Doctor."

"Well, we'll have to do." Grace said. "You're not dead, and the primary staff doesn't arrive until tomorrow."

"I think I need something to drink. Is there a cafeteria around?"

"Down the hall, second door on the left, but the Oods we were planning to employ…well, we forget to specify non-lobotomized individuals,"—Esther winced—" so it's currently unstaffed. The reTARDISes have kitchens."

"I can't cook."

Esther leaned over and whispered to Roheryn. "Can't we leave this job for the pig-men? 'The Impossible Astronaut' airs in thirty-five minutes, fifteen point two seconds home world time and I haven't even started the fish fingers yet."

"Keep the fish fingers for yourself," Roheryn replied. "But yeah, I think they'll be fine."

Evelyn ran her fingers along the rows of books. "I already have Elvaro's The Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide for my catch-up class 'Runs a Lot,' UNIT: Fighting for Humankind for "Splendid Fellows," but I still need Sleep, School, Save the World for my Bannerman Academy class under Sarah Jane and company."

"Sleep, School, Save the World?" Sara repeated from the other side of the room. "I found several copies over here. But I still need The Decent—wait, someone crossed that word out. It says The Foolish, Aloof, and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey. That can't really be correct!"

"But the subtitle of Sleep, School, Save the World is Not necessarily in that order or ratio."

Ashley smirked. "I think it's probably correct. Well, I have everything I need. I even have Lungbarrow for causal reading."

"You think we'll have time for causal reading?" Zoe slid out Someone to Stop Him: Companions of the Doctor and the accompanying volume Hand Him the Sonic and Say He's Brilliant: Assistants of the Doctor.

"Not now, I'm starving. Besides, if we're running on normal time—and yes, that's a big 'if'— 'The Impossible Astronaut should be on in ten minutes. Sara, you're a Classic Who fan—can you find the TV equivalent in the control room?"

"I think so." Sara skimmed the shelves, found The Foolish, Aloof, and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey, and staggered out of the library. Ashley, Zoe, and Evelyn followed her into the control room just as someone knocked on the door

"Hostile human, enemy alien, or unlikely ally?" Evelyn called.

"Roommate—and very tired. Now let me in. I survived Daleks, so I'm very cross."

"Icey!" Zoe yanked the door open.

"In the flesh." She nearly topped into the room. "Did I miss 'The Impossible Astronaut?'"

"Sara's trying to set up the TV. Are you really okay?" Zoe hugged Icey tightly.

"I need a distraction. How's it coming, Sara?"

Sara looked up from the dials and buttons. "It's worse than being attacked by statues in a crashed spaceship—no manual, no sonic, no bow ties."

"Right," Icey sank to the floor.

Static burst from the loudspeakers. The girls winced and covered their ears.

"I think I have it, I just have to…aha!" Sara turned another dial, and a previously blank wall dissolved into animated color.

"Congratulations. You turned on the monitor." Grace's oversized face appeared. Since you are planning to watch 'The Impossible Astronaut,' it is my duty to inform you that it is not happening."

"What!"

The recording played on, headless of the glaring faces. "We brought you here to learn how to write good fanfic. If you think we will give you more fuel before any education, you have less brainpower than a newborn Andipose has weapons. Now, if you'll excuse me, 'The Impossible Astronaut' is just opening in the staff TARDIS. And yes, we are watching it. And no, we will not give you spoilers. And no, the main characters will not give you spoilers because it will not be a topic of class until after six-a has finished airing."

Grace flicked off the projector and sank into a beanbag chair tie-dyed with the colors of the Time Vortex. "Oh, are those Jelly Babies?"

Roheryn nodded. "We have fish fingers with custard, non-alcoholic sonic screwdriver beverages, Dalek cupcakes, Jelly Babies, fish and chips, hot K9s, gingerbread Doctors and more traditional snacks, like popcorn, chocolate, other sweets, and dried fruit if you'll insist on being healthy."

Esther swiped a fish finger in the custard. "I've been waiting to try this."

The full-wall screen filled with a black background and the words In memoriam of Elisabeth Sladen. 1968-2011.
"Is something wrong, Mis-tress?" A metal dog with a blue bow tie rolled forward.

"K5, go check the settings on the dimensional cannons for class tomorrow," Esther said, more gruffly than usual. The dog was a house—er, TARDIS—warming gift from Sarah Jane and Luke.

"I already checked them."

"Then do it again." Esther rubbed her eyes.

"Affirmative, Mistress."

"Are you really okay?" Grace asked as the black faded to the boots of Frenchmen.

"Shh," Roheryn grinned. "This is going to be good."

"You know, this isn't as bad as it looks."

"If it wasn't for his reaction to Amy, I wouldn't believe him," Grace bit into a hot dog—er, K9.

"Not him, not him, please not him…" Esther leaned forward. "I thought Amy, but please…not him!"

"Stay back, Amy." River and Rory struggle to hold her.

The Doctor stares at the golden light spilling from his hands. "I'm sorry,"

Another shot rings out. This time, all three run forward, dropping to their knees by his side. "River! River!" Amy screams again, trying to make sense of it all.

…"If we're going to do this, let's do it properly,"

"I never would have believed it." Roheryn whispered. "I heard that one of the four was going to die for real in the first ten minutes, but not him. I never would have guessed him."

Esther wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I suppose….I guess…."

Thirty-three minutes, forty seconds later….

"To be continued?" Roheryn threw a handful of popcorn at the screen. "I know they were going to do this, but—just as Amy fires a gun?"

"How many questions can be stuffed into forty-three minutes without making the universe explode?" Esther agreed, stuffing another cupcake into her mouth. "I know Moffat doesn't write the story, but he does divide it up. And what a cliff-hanger!"

"And she is pregnant! I'd read it online, but I refused to believe it. They better use it well and not descend into soap opera territory." Grace declared. "You know what the three most annoying words in the universe are?"

"No TARDIS here?" Roheryn offered.

"Doctor Who's stupid?" Esther scowled. "My brother says that all the time."

"To be continued."

Further Disclaimer

As previously stated "The Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide" is an actual, hilarious fanfic by Elvaro. UNIT: Fighting for Humankind is mentioned in Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane? and is supposed written by Sarah Jane

Sleep, School, Save the World; Someone to Stop Him: Companions of the Doctor; Hand Him the Sonic and Say He's Brilliant: Assistants of the Doctor; and The Foolish, Aloof and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey are my own inventions, but the latter is a spoof of The Ancient and Worshipful Laws of Gallifrey from the unaired Fourth Doctor story 'Shada'

Lungbarrow by Marc Platt is a Seventh Doctor novel from Virgin Books' New Adventures.