Benjamin
I didn't know what day it was. I was pretty sure it wasn't the weekend yet. This routine felt really familiar, only this time, Edwina was here. Only this time, it didn't matter.
A awoke every day with her beside me. After the first or the second day, she quit talking to me. I never said anything back. She gave me food at breakfast that I barely touched. She took me to work if I had a morning shift. She packed or made me lunch. She took me to work if I had an evening shift. She brought me home or stayed with me until mom got home. Dinner was always made, by her, unless mom was home first. Then Edwina would disappear until I come out of the shower. She laid beside me until I fell asleep. She touched me seldom. Occasionally she fed me or made me drink, and I didn't have the energy to resist. I wished that I could find my iPod, but I don't remember where it was last and I have even less energy for searching than I do for resisting.
She's back. Josie's back. She has my son with her, our child, and I am not allowed to even see him. A pregnant stomach was all I got, and Edwina telling me he was a boy the first day, trying to get me to snap out of it. It just made things worse. My son. My son... And Josie. Oh, Josie...
I was sitting at the table, not eating, when Edwina finally broke her steadfast silence.
"This can't go on much longer, Ben," she said evenly, "not without starting to affect your health. You haven't had a solid meal in days. You are barely hydrating. Even Mr. Newton asked you three times yesterday if you had the flu."
I understood what she meant. I only remembered him asking once. Of course, part of being out of touch with reality is not noticing that you are out of touch.
"Ben, I love you," she said, "and I respect that you have the right to make your own choices. But I care enough about you to tell you this isn't helping anything, especially you."
Her cold, smooth perfect hands touched my face. My eyes found hers, for the first time since we had stood together in the wake of Josie running for home.
"Come back to me," she said. "Even if it isn't now, please, make it soon. I can help. There are things that we can do, answers we can find."
I swallowed. And without considering, I spoke.
"I don't want to listen to you," I said. "It feels so easy to just blame Josie. She ran off with my son, stealing away any happiness I might find in getting to know him, to be with him. Sitting here, just making her the bad guy is so much easier than taking the time and energy to do something about it."
She looked at me, and listened. When I was done, she nodded.
"I understand," she said, "but you're wrong."
I blinked at her.
She stuck out her hand, waving it about, "All this, all of what you're do, you think this is easy? Being stuck, blaming her constantly, feeling unhappy, doing next to nothing, all of this, is easy? It doesn't take as much time and energy as forgiving her?"
"I never said it was logical," I said, with a sort of gruff chuckle.
"It might feel easy in your head," she said, "but at what cost? Is it really worth trading your life, your happiness, just to stay mad at her?"
"Yes," I said grumpily.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because," I said, "I can't let her be right."
She just looked at me.
"She took my son away," I said. "She cut me out of his life, out of her life. She turned her back on me. I can't let that be okay."
"Why would that be so bad?" she asked gently.
"Because," I said, "if I let it go, that's like saying I agree with her or I accept her decision, and I don't. It's like... like..."
"Like, what?" she asked.
"It would be like agree with her that I'm not good enough," I admitted. "It would be like me saying that I shouldn't be a father to my son."
She nodded.
"You feel ashamed," she said, "because you are missing out on something you believe was so important, that you had been telling yourself your entire life was hugely important, and now, when that was taken from you, you are left feeling empty and afraid."
"Actually," I said, "yes. That is very accurate."
Again, she nodded.
"I have a confession to make," she said. "I was unhappy with a choice made recently."
"Oh yeah?" I asked. "Which one?"
I wasn't really that surprised I had made her unhappy. I had don't so many things lately, it would be a total guess to try and figure out which one it was.
"I took it personally when you lost your virginity," she said.
I stared at her. It took me a moment to realize my mouth was hanging open and to close it.
"Okay," I said, letting the wave of conflicted emotions wash over me.
"Ben," she said, taking my hand, "I spent much of my life thinking I was a monster."
I winced, hating that she thought that, but letting her continue, knowing she didn't need to be interrupted at the moment.
"That was a decidedly unpleasant way to live," she said, "thinking so little of myself. I never had a reason to think more of myself until I met you. My parents and my family loved me, but I never believed in that love and just took it for granted, so how was it even possible for me to feel it? To cope, to survive the emptiness and the pain of living as I did, I had to use other means."
"Other means?" I asked.
She smiled humorlessly, "Justifications, excuses, lies all the things that kept my good old fashion self-delusions in place. Chief among those, I felt superior to my peers."
She looked down at herself, making a show of it, her posture and manner becoming very, very eye catching. She was considerate enough to allow me time to recover before she continued.
"I am beautiful," she said, her tone somewhere between mocking and recriminating. "I am physically flawless. I am the first immortal created by my mother, the oldest of my siblings other than Jasper. I have read more books than my siblings, speak the most languages, have the most skills. And despite years of sin and bloodshed, I still retain one thing that not a member of my family can claim; I still have my virtue."
It took me a moment to connect the word with her previous statement. She was a virgin. And then, the implication came to me. I had lost my virtue. Something she valued about me was gone, and I could never get it back.
I leaned back, feeling angry, frustrated, stupid, and defensive. I looked at her and stopped. She was just looking at me. She wasn't arguing or trying to cull my reaction or attempting to comfort me. She was letting me feel what I would. And in the moment, I realized that I had been angry and defensive so that she would comfort me. Her words had scared me, and I wanted to feel better. Once I noticed this, I didn't feel frustrated anymore. My little show had not had the desired effect. She would not allow herself to be manipulated. Now I could see that it was stupid of me to try, and that was okay. I could see she wasn't judging me for it.
"Do you think less of me now?" I asked.
She smiled, and it was heartwarming to see.
"Of course not," she said. "I wanted to. I wanted to judge you and feel better about myself, but it was a force of habit. These patterns are old in me. As advanced as my brain..."
She paused, smiling, seeming to laugh at herself.
"As sophisticated as my behaviors can be," she said, "I am just as capable of diluting myself as you are. I have spent so long relying on the image of myself as someone who is better than everyone else, I still don't always know when I am doing it. It comes out in weird places, like always trying to make your decisions for you, or being upset that your first time wasn't with me."
I froze.
"I thought you were upset because I wasn't a virgin anymore," I said quietly.
She became still, as only a vampire could.
After a moment, her smile returned.
"If there is anything that helps me be honest," she said, "it's you. I have trouble even lying to myself when I'm with you. You absolutely inspire truth."
I smiled. It didn't realize I was until it had already happened.
My hand found hers.
"I made you sad?" I asked.
She sighed, her exhale actually audible.
"You didn't do anything to me," she said. "I chose to be upset by you. I chose to blame you, at first, because it made it easier not to take responsibility for my own decision, the actions I took that let this happen."
For a solid moment, I felt my gut twist. I knew exactly what she meant, because, I am sure she realized this already, that was exactly what I was doing. I was choosing to be upset with Josie, to blame her, rather than to take responsibility. I had left. I had walked away. I had made my choice. Now, whether I liked it or not, there were consequences for my decision. I was going to have to live with them.
Her words seemed to settle deeper into my mind, and I sat a little straighter, "How did you let this happen?"
She smirked at me. I felt my belly do a flip flop.
"Do you honestly believe that you would have had sex with Josie had I not left?" she asked.
I considered, tried not to smiled.
"I might have," I said jokingly. "You don't know."
She smiled alluringly, leaning back suggestively in her seat, "I am willing to consider that it's possible, but I think I could have kept your attention, with a little effort."
She made it sound like it was such a difficult thing.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked, and I realized that I might have zoned out a bit, possibly because I had been staring at her chest. I don't think I had been doing it for long than a minute. Or three.
"Hmm?" I replied.
"Had I stayed," she asked, "do you think we would have had sex by now?"
I considered.
"No," I said abruptly.
Her eyes went just noticeably wider.
I squeezed her hand.
"It's different with you," I said. "I..."
I took a deep breath.
"When I was with Josie," I said, my throat feeling tight, "I was with her for selfish reasons. Not entirely selfish; I loved her, as much as I rightly could, but truly, I was with her to forget about you and to cope with how unhappy I was. We could have had a life together, had you never come back, had you never existed in the first place, but how does even making that statement help matters any?"
I swallowed. I looked into her eyes. They were starting to darken. She would need to hunt soon, as she told me she would whenever her eyes began to darken. I got lost in their warm honey glint and found myself speaking without thought or fear.
"I was afraid," I said.
It was true. I hadn't let myself see that, feel that, but it was true.
"I was afraid of losing her," I said, "of missing out on what I wanted, again. I wanted to do something grand and affirming and that made me feel closer to her than anyone else. I wanted her to be the one, the one I truly gave my heart to. I wanted to prove that I was giving up on you, that I was with her more than I had ever been with you. It was a great experience, one of the greatest of my life. But it was also a mistake, done for all the wrong reasons. And, as a result, I'm a dad."
I shook my head.
"Wow," I said with a quiet chuckle. "I am totally my parents' kid!"
She laughed, and it was beautiful, heart-pounding and gut-wrenching.
"And?" she asked. "What makes you think that we wouldn't have had sex?"
I looked at her.
"Because fear would have had the opposite effect with you," I said. "I wouldn't have been bold enough to take steps forward with you. Even if you had given me direction permission, I wouldn't have been ready. I would have been afraid to mess everything up. It took you leaving for me to realize it was pointless to hold on to all that fear and let go. It took Josie to make me brave enough to act past all the fears I couldn't just let go of. I owe so much of the man I am becoming to the both of you."
She nodded, thinking.
"So," she said, her focus a bit distant, "if I were to suggest that we have sex now, you wouldn't be interested?"
I felt a shiver run through me.
"You mean, now now?" I asked, sounding nervous.
She smiled, "Sure."
I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach as a slew of images and ideas pulled themselves through my brain.
I considered the ring, in its box, up in my bathroom, the one room she never went into.
"No," I said, mentally kicking my own ass.
She didn't look concerned.
"Could we...?" she asked. "Could we try, before... while you're still human?"
I thought about that. I quickly had to stop thinking about it.
"Won't that be dangerous?" I asked.
She frowned, "Yes, actually. Extremely. But, with preparations, some focus, and-"
She smiled deviously in a way that very much had me backpedaling to change my mind to yes.
"-maybe a safe word, I think we can be okay," she finished.
"What about your virtue?" I asked.
She looked at me.
"Ben," she asked, "do you love me?"
I blinked.
"You know I do," I said.
"And do you still want to spend forever with me?" she asked.
I started to get a knot in my stomach. This was dangerously close to a proposal. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. We weren't in the meadow! Alice was going to kill me.
But I looked into her eyes, and all my worry went away.
"At least that long," I said, squeezing her hand.
She grinned.
"What is my virtue to that?" she asked. "You have committed to me. What more could I ask?"
"There's marriage," I almost said, but stopped myself.
"Edwina," I said. "I am willing to try. But only went it's right. No pressure, no fear, no doubts, just love. I was so close to doing it the right way before. I don't want to make the same mistake twice."
She thought a moment and nodded.
"I respect that," she said. "How do feel now?"
For a moment, I thought she was asking me how close I was from feeling ready to have sex, which struck me as rude, but then I realized what she meant.
"I'm not stuck anymore," I said. "I have what I need to move forward."
"Good," she said. "Let's go."
I didn't argue or even ask. I ate and cleaned up and her car was out front, though it hadn't been at any time this week.
"Alice," I murmured and she laughed quietly.
We climbed in and drove to the Cullen house.
Naturally, as soon as we walked in the door, Alice hugged me. It wasn't exactly an ambush, but Edwina did need to keep me from toppling when she pounced.
"I'm glad your back," she said. "You're still flickery, but not as bad."
I figured she meant my future and nodded.
"It's good to be back," I said. "Now, what am I doing here?"
They laughed.
"We are catching you up," she said. "Unlike some of us, we haven't been idle these last five days."
I winced, "It's Sunday?"
She rolled her eyes, "Come on then."
We walked upstairs to find Edwina's mother, sitting in her study. The door was open, and she had a few laptops there, all smooth and thin and expensive looking. They were closed, as though she just closed them and put them aside.
"Hello, Ben," she said. "Please, sit."
There was only one chair in the room, and being the only person who was more comfortable sitting than standing, I sat.
"I would like to talk with you," she said, "about your child."
I stared, trying not to lock up at the very mention of him.
"Hey," said Alice, snapping her tiny fingers, the sound crisp and sharp. "We can't have you going all introverted and silent every time we mention him. You have a kid. There is nothing you can do right now to change the situation. Let's move on."
I looked at her, my gaze focused, and nodded.
"Good," she said. "Go on, mom."
Katherine smiled, a sort of complacent amusement on her face before she turned to me.
"Has Edwina told you any more about what happened that day?" she asked me.
"No," I said honestly. "But, to be fair, I didn't ask. I haven't wanted to think much about it, actually."
"Well," Katherine said, turning to her daughter, "perhaps now you should."
Edwina nodded and looked to me, "You are familiar with what happens during pregnancy? You know what a placenta is, a cesarean, an amniotic sac, and the like?"
"For the most part," I said. Strangely, I had been better in female anatomy than male in Biology.
She nodded, "Good. So, needless to say, Josie's pregnancy was unusual, and not just because it was so short."
I snorted, "Besides the fact that it should have been impossible."
All three of them stared at me.
"Josie explained it," I said. "Before becoming a wolf, she went into a massive growth spurt. She grew to a fully mature adult."
I felt myself go a little stiff, thinking about her full bloomed maturity. I felt embarrassed, so close to Edwina while thinking about it.
"Anyway," I said, going on, "once she had reached her maturity, her body sort of stops aging."
"Stops aging?" asks Katherine. "In what way?
"I'm not sure," I said. "It is like, her body knows she's needed to protect her people. She reaches her prime and stays there. All normal progression stops, including... her natural... cycle."
"Hmmm," said Katherine considering. "Interesting. Halting the aging process would be really helpful if you had immortal opponents to fight against."
"Not only that," said Edwina, "but the inhibited cycle could be two fold. Having a child might be impossible for them. Who knows what their transformation could do to a developing child. Also, being a protector would be conflicting if you were a mother at the same time."
"Or," said Alice, "it could have something to do with there being no male wolves."
"Or," said Katherine, "it could have something to do with a conflict in cycles since humans have a menstrual cycle and wolves have an estrous cycle."
"Or," said Edwina, "it could have something to do with the underline nature of the magic, for lack of a better term, that allows them to exist in the first place. It might not be something that has a mechanism for reproducing itself."
I sat there, feeling a little inadequate. Also embarrassed. The next part felt rather personal, but since I was in the presence of the two Cullens I felt the most comfortable with and a doctor, I decided that I wasn't likely to get snubbed for what I said next.
"Anyway," I continued, "when I was... together with Josie, we didn't use protection. She didn't have a cycle and we were both virgins, so STDs didn't seem like something to worry about."
Edwina went on, without much of a pause for me to feel uncomfortable it.
"Well," she said, "even if Josie didn't have a cycle, we have no way of knowing where in her cycle her body stopped without further examination."
"I think it is likely," said Katherine, "that Josie stopped right at the height of her cycle, just before normal menstruation. From what Ben described, it sounds to me that these warrior wolf women remain protectors until they can return to their ordinary lives. Somehow, it seems more fitting that, rather than having their return marked by their renewed cycle, they should have it marked with a pregnancy instead."
It made sense to me, complete sense. Josie, fighting her way through the vampires that threatened her people, would one day find her mate, her other half. They would grow close, as close as she and I, closer even, and then, one day, when she was calm and happy, ready to give up her wolf self and live, she would find herself with child. There was a part of me that hated that idea, hated the faceless, nameless boy who thought himself worthy of her, but that part of me was very small. The rest of me was glad to think of her happy, liking that she might someday have again what I had taken from her.
"What you are suggesting sounds entirely plausible," said Alice, "except for one point; she wasn't done being a wolf. Her pregnancy was premature. What was different about it? What caused her to ovulate for her to actually get pregnant?"
Katherine shrugged, "We can only guess. However, I think it is likely tied into the other way in which the child is different."
"Other way?" I asked.
Edwina nodded.
"We are fairly certain," she said, her voice grave, "that your son is part vampire."
There was a long, long silence.
I tried to make sense of what she had just said, but I couldn't. It was just another impossibility that boggled my mind.
"How?" I finally got out. "I thought vampires can't have children."
"We can't," said Katherine. "At least, not that I know of. The closest we have ever come was to changing children."
I was shocked, even revolted. Vampire children? I found that the very idea of a vampire child frightened me.
"You changed children?" I asked.
Katherine laughed. It was a good laugh, breaking the tension.
"Not personally, no," she said. "It was a practice that has since been discontinued."
I didn't need to guess.
"The Volturi," I said.
"Naturally," said Edwina. "The immortal children were endearing and lovely, yet violent and destructive. They were children with all the strength and cunning of a vampire, with none of the restraint. They could not maintain the secret. Now, they are a death sentence to our kind. The Volturi make no exceptions about it."
I nodded, completely understanding.
"But," I said, "you think my son is part vampire? What makes you say that?"
Edwina bobbed her head, considering.
"Essentially, three specifics," she said. "Firstly, I noticed almost immediately the keenness of the child's mind. Even before he was born, he had an understanding that was far beyond that of a newborn, let alone a child that had gestated in just five weeks. Secondly, the amniotic sac. It was quite similar to vampire skin, both in composition and durability. And thirdly, the child itself. He was strong, Ben. He was able to lift his head and shift his whole body about upon his birth. That's unheard of. His skin wasn't nearly as hard as ours, but it was much more so than an average human's, with a very slight hint of the shine of our skin. He is likely part vampire, maybe even half."
"How is that even possible?" I exclaimed. "Josie is his mother. I am his father. Neither one of us are vamp-"
I got it. I had it. Before I realized I was doing it, my fingers were tracing my scars. The teeth-marks upon my skin, one set from Jamie, one from her mate Victor, where they had bitten me.
"Yes," said Katherine. "You are a singular case, Benjamin. I have never heard of anyone being bitten and having the venom sucked out, not once. You've had it done twice. It is even possible that trace amounts of Edwina's venom might have entered your system when she sucked it out, so it might even be venom from as many as three separate vampires. This has never been studied before. We have no idea what effects that it might have had on you. It could have affected your genetics or your epigenetics or your gametes."
I blinked, "My what?"
"Your genetics is your DNA inside your cells," said Alice. "Your epigenetics are a combination of environmental factors that affect how and what genes are expressed. And your gametes are your sperm."
She stifled a lip twisting smile.
"It would have been best if we could have gotten samples from you on the day," said Katherine, "but if you're willing, I'd like to get samples from you now."
"Samples?" I asked. "What kind of samples?"
"Specifically," she said, "saliva for hormones and some natural flora, blood which will give us access to a plethora of information, and, just to be thorough, a sperm sample."
There was a sudden boom of laughed from elsewhere in the house, and, in an instant, Emily was in the doorway, leaning against it, her arms crossed, one knee bent so it's ankle could cross behind the other.
"Did you hear that Benny-boy?" she mocked. "A sperm sample! I could run to town for a skin mag for you. How do you prefer your porn? You strike me as a butt man."
I was about to go on a defensive tirade, but Edwina's look of worry caught me off guard. I was about to say something, trying to return her face to the relaxed, smiling person she so often was around me, when Alice giggled. There was such a sound of joy to it, an altogether difference sense to it than Emily's teasing. It reminded me that we are in this together, that in some ways, we were family already. It just hadn't officially happened yet.
I grinned back at her.
"I prefer my porn from New York City," I said. "Go ahead. Take your time."
She grinned right back.
"I'm so glad Edwina decided not to kill you," she said. "It's more fun when you're around."
Without even having to look, I reached out and took Edwina's hand.
"I'm glad too," I said.
"Here," said Katherine, removing a few items from a kit she had beside her desk. "We can start with the easier stuff."
"Uh oh," said Emily, standing straight. "Okay, I'm out."
Alice smiled, and stood, stepping out as well.
"I'll take Jasper for a walk," she said.
Katherine walked to the window and opened it.
I looked to Edwina, "You're staying?"
She straightened, "Did you want me to leave?"
"No!" I shot back, a stronger reaction than I was expecting.
"No," I said again. "I just mean, won't being near my blood be hard for you?"
Her face relaxed a bit.
"Ah," she said. "No, it won't be hard for me. It won't be pleasant for me, but it isn't a temptation anymore."
I looked harder at her, "It isn't?"
"No," she said. "The desire to kill you is a truth, a constant. It is with me every moment. How I choose to react doesn't change. It won't change if you bleed. It's my choice."
I felt somewhat touched for some reason. I didn't fully understand it, but I could accept it.
I took her hand, "Okay."
I turned to see Katherine sanitizing her hands with a wipe. She uncapped a small cup and said, "If you could gather some saliva and spit into this cup. I'll culture the bacteria and run whatever tests I can so I don't use up your blood unnecessarily."
She recapped it once I had done so and then set about getting ready to draw my blood.
"Have you had blood drawn before?" she asked.
I sort of winced.
"I donated to a blood drive at school senior year," I said, "while you all were away. Turns out, I'm allergic to iodine."
Katherine nodded, "Good to know. I don't use it anymore myself, so you won't need to worry about it."
"Good," I said.
She had a nicely practiced hand as she tied off my arm and stuck me with the needle. She took three vials of blood and quickly put them away in a small mini-frig she kept in her office. Edwina stepped in and held cotton to my small puncture, and rather than using the strange bandage tape I had seen previously, they actually used some sort of adhesive, like superglue, to seal the tiny hole in my skin.
After it had set, Edwina cleaned the skin around it, and dropped everything tainted with blood into a small ceramic bowl that Katherine placed upon her desk. She squeezed a small squeeze bottle of some liquid upon the remnants and quickly struck a match, lighting the mass of used medical supplies aflame.
"You seem like you do that a lot," I commented.
Katherine chuckled, "When I first started gathering my family to me, it was not uncommon for a doctor to have grievously injured people brought to their doorstep, especially in the smaller, secluded townships we frequented from time to time. It was easier for my family if I burnt the residue of my ministrations, but in those days, having a fire burning within your home was fairly common."
Slowly, the flames died, and she poured the ash into a Ziploc bag before stowing the bowl and dropping the partially full bag in the trash.
Then, with a casual yet meaning deliberate hand, she set a somewhat opaque cup with a bright blue screw-on top before me.
I immediately felt hugely uncomfortable.
Edwina took the cup and my hand.
"Come with me," she said.
Somehow, this solution made me even more nervous, but I trusted her and I went with her willingly.
We went to her room. It took me a moment when we walked in to recognize it as the same room. The settee she had before was gone, but her small desk was still hidden away in its corner. A majority of the free space was now occupied by a large, luxurious, King sized bed. I was guessing since I hadn't ever seen such a bed. The space it occupied and height seemed excessive somehow. Why did she even have this?
And then, the reason dawned on me, and my arm was pulled forward, stopping just short of being jerked as she had kept walking and I halted. I realized the door had been closed behind us. We were alone, in her room. I needed to produce a sperm sample.
"It isn't that," she said, her words almost defensive. "I-"
She didn't finish. Apparently, she hadn't been prepared to have me suddenly grab her shoulders as I pushed my mouth to hers, shoving her hard against the wall behind her. I heard the cup clatter against the carpet, and she had just enough time to wrap her arms tightly around me before I lifted her against the wall. Muscle strained at her dense body, and I lifted her as I desired, and she pulled me to her with an entwining leg, holding tight to my shoulders as her shirt pulled, giving me access to run my hands up her back.
She gasped, her fingers in my hair, her lips at my ear, on my earlobe.
"That's..." she tried to say, "not what I..."
I turned, supporting her weight. With three rather rough strides, I crossed to and dropped her down on the bed. She disentangled herself enough to fall, splayed invitingly upon the duvet. I couldn't keep myself from her, and before I could think too hard, the buttons on her blouse were popping under my grasp, and she gasped anew, her mouth actually tracing the skin of my neck, hinting, almost teasing, thrilling me. Her fingers dug into my shoulders, feeling hard enough to almost bruise me. It drove me harder, faster, and I began kissing her neck, driving slowly downwards.
"I..." she said, "I..."
Suddenly, a foot found my chest, and I was flung backward with unbelievably firm yet steady force. I found my feet before I thumped harmlessly into the far wall, finding that my own shirt was in literal pieces. I wasn't sure when that had even happened.
"You," she murmured, draped coyly upon the bed, "are completely unfair."
"Oops," I said, without real conviction.
"Too much," she said, breathing deeply. "Too much, too fast, too soon, no warning, not enough choice."
I sighed, trying to calm down. Wasn't easy.
I suddenly remembered why I was even in here, and stopped trying to calm down. I went and picked up the cup.
"I'll be back," I said, stepping into her bathroom, which was nearly as large as my own room, and clinic enough that it felt more like I was in a hospital than I was in a private home. That helped. So did what had just happened. I was finished quickly.
Washing up, I walked back out with the sealed cup, feeling somewhat shaken. I wasn't ready for what awaited me.
There was a blur and breeze of vampire speed and the cup was gone from my hand. I looked up, wondering what had happened, when I spotted her.
Whatever Edwina had done with the cup, it wasn't in sight anymore. I tried to consider what more could have happened, but my brain wasn't really working at the moment. She was still wearing her blouse. I hadn't remembered what she had been wearing on her feet, but that was gone too, along with, I presumed, her socks and her pants. Her blouse was more or less closed, though it was still missing most if not all of its buttons.
I couldn't get over how shapely her legs were. They were perfect. The tone of her muscle was perfectly balanced, with no unnecessary bulk and just enough curve, with still enough superfluous flesh to keep everything uniform, without showing the individual cords of her muscle. They were smooth and flawless and begged to be touched.
She began to walk towards me, each step crossing over the previous one as she walked towards me. She was calm, but there was a strange, strained steadiness to each step, as though she was doing all she could to maintain her current pace and not shoot at me like a comet. With every swish of her hips, the hem of her blouse fluttered, and I could make out the simple white almost triangle of cloth that peaked from beneath it, drawing my eye like nothing I had ever know, hinting, tantalizing.
She made her way to me, closing with me, and I felt more spots than I could count, so badly was my mind swimming, where her bare, cool flesh touch my bare, flaming skin.
"I want to make love to you," she said, her voice even but betrayed by the subtlest implication of a quaver.
"It doesn't have to be now," she said. "When you are ready, truly ready, I am. Even if it does not work, even if it has to wait until you're no longer human, I don't care. As soon as you are willing to try, I want you."
Slowly, not quite consciously, I slid to my knees. She didn't try to hold me up or stop me. My face was even with her middle. I had an almost inescapable desire to press my lips to the smooth flesh of her stomach, but as I felt myself leaning forward to do it, my desire deflated and I simply rested myself to her belly. Her hands went into my hair, and there was something supportive, almost maternal about it. It broke me.
"I can't have children with you," I said. My mouth was somewhat muffled, but I knew she heard me, that she understood.
"I didn't understand before," I said. "How could I? My child, my actual and likely only child, has been born. And I missed it. I am missing it. I know how much that hurts now. And I know that there is nothing I can do to change it. And the sad thing is, in all of this, the thing that hurts the most isn't that my son is taken from me. It isn't that I am missing out on getting to know him or losing this time we might have together. It's that, no matter what I do, I can't have the experience with whom I wish."
My eyes were filled with tears as I pulled back and looked at her.
"If I could have a child with anyone," I said, "I wish that it could be you."
She pushed back what little hair I had, wiped away my tears and looked at me with the most heartrending empathy. In that moment, there was something, the faintest look in her eyes, that hinted that she might just be as heartbroken as I was at the idea that we could never have children. And, in an instant, she hid her pain away from me and was smiling again, her sadness purely empathic once again.
"I am sorry, Love," she said. "If there was a way, I would gladly bear your child. It would be life-affirming in a way that I never considered before I met you. And I am sorry that you cannot have this the way you want it."
She was right. If I had had a choice, I know how I would have wanted it. I would have loved to have been beside Josie the whole way through. I would have loved to cherish her and the life she carried inside her. I would have been in it with her, the whole way through, and during the birth, I would have been at her side. I would have wanted it all. It was a selfish desire, I couldn't deny that. As much as it might have benefited Josie not to be alone, to have love and support through the whole thing, she made her choice, and me wanting to go against it was unfair. But I wanted to be selfish. However, if I hadn't wanted to be selfish, to have it my way, to press, to have what I wanted without a thought to what others might want or the consequences of my actions, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
"I'm sorry it wasn't you," I said. "I'm sorry my first time wasn't with you."
She smiled, "I don't care. Not anymore. I love you. I don't care about details. Nothing will ever change that."
We got dressed. I was given a replacement shirt. We stayed in the Cullen house for the rest of the day. She made me lunch, which was odd and oddly good. They had a fully stocked kitchen, after all. She really was a great cook for someone who tastes nothing and never eats.
We watched a movie and sat together on the couch. Alice came through at one point with Jasper, but they didn't stay long. Apparently, Jasper was on a bit of a rough patch and they were trying to keep the two of us apart as much as they could. Finally, Edwina took me home just in time for dinner and said she would come back after my shower.
I had a great evening with mom. When she saw me, the first thing she asked was if I had talked to Josie, and she was surprised when I said no. She accepted that I had spent time with Edwina and seemed to be opening up to the idea that she really made me happy.
"Did you ask her yet?" she asked.
"No," I said. "The whole Josie thing really put a damper on the mood of the thing."
"Really?" asked Mom. "How so?"
I wanted to explain. I really did. But there wasn't any way to simply state what had happened, without say that I had fathered a child.
"I haven't been able to resolve anything with Josie," I invented, only kinda sorta. "So, I've been pretty much sticking my head in the ground about the whole thing because there wasn't anything I can do. Now that she showed up, I just can't do that anymore, and it sucks."
Mom thought about it.
"So," she said, "you're pretty much saying you want to resolve things with Josie so you can run off with your old girlfriend and get married?"
"No!" I said. "It isn't like that!"
I suddenly started to feel nervous that Edwina might overhear our conversation. I prayed Alice would trip her up.
"I bet it feels that way to Josie," Mom said.
I shook my head.
"I'm not trying to cut Josie out of my life," I said. "There's a place for her. She just doesn't want it."
Mom nodded, "Sounds like she is having a hard time being your second choice."
I sighed and nodded, "Yeah. But that's up to her. She's choosing a path that sucks for me, but I get it. That's her choice."
Mom shook her head.
"When did you get so grown up?" she asked. "Is this Edwina or what?"
I chuckled, "Probably. She has an old soul."
Mom laughed, "God save me from teenagers in love!"
We cleaned up and I went up to my room. I was gathering my sleep clothes when I happened to glance out the window. There was something in the yard. I couldn't make it out, and if it wasn't for the fact that I could see it was on the other side of the glass, I would have thought that it was a spot on my vision. It was almost like a shadow, but it was lighter rather than darker. When I got closer to the window, it vanished.