Chapter 4 Revised Waiting 19
Author's Note I am now doing a summary of the prior chapter to make the story easier to follow.
Chapter 3 Recap
In a flash to the future, Tara ends her relationship with Kohn when she catches him poking holes in a condom. He later breaks into her apartment, searches through her trash and finds the pregnancy test and clinic paperwork. The confrontation threatens to turn deadly when he wraps his hands around her neck. A neighbor with a cranky newborn knocks at her door, possibly saving her life. In that moment, when she thinks she might die, she realizes there has to be more to life than work. She has to find out if she still loves Jax and if she does, she is going to get him back.
High school Tara goes to the Teller house to study for a biology test. Gemma comes home and in an effort to get on her good side, awkward, nerdy Tara shows her a better way to chop onions. It doesn't go over well. Clay comes home and Tara compounds her mistake by telling Clay his vest is super cute.
Tara's Story
Chapter 4 Revised
Waiting
Jax rescued me, helped me gather my books and notes and insisted he walk me home. That was the beginning of my MC education.
Jax explained that as president of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original or SAMCRO, Clay welcomes potential new members or prospects and then tells them not to get themselves killed. That's why he welcomed me the way he did.
Not getting myself killed probed impossible for me. Clay hired a drug cartel to kill me, near the end, I feared Jax would kill me and Gemma actually killed me. Dying of natural causes was an accomplishment if you were a "friend of" SAMCRO. Getting murdered was much easier.
Jax tried to explain Clay's vest, but couldn't say the words "super cute vest" without laughing.
"If you don't quit laughing at me, I'm asking for a new lab partner," I warned.
"No, you won't. You like me too much and you love my family—especially Clay."
"He scares the hell out of me."
"You made fun of his "super . . ." Jax broke off laughing.
"I was trying to be nice. Maybe I should go back and apologize."
"No, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'll never forget the look on his face though. He looked stunned, like he couldn't believe his ears."
"I thought people in motorcycle gangs wore leather jackets. I didn't know they wore vests."
"Motorcycle clubs. Not gangs. And it isn't a vest. It's called a cut."
"The next time we study together, we should do it at my house."
"If we hadn't studied at my house, my mother wouldn't have learned a better way to cut onions."
"I was trying to be helpful. I think I might have insulted her."
"Don't worry about what people think of you."
"Thanks."
"I live to serve you, my queen," Jax said with a bow.
I laughed and felt completely cheered up.
As we passed the house next to my father's, Jax noticed people moving in.
"Have you met your new neighbors?"
"No. I'm not even sure when they started moving in."
Jax frowned as he watched a tall bald man and a brown haired guy in his late teens carry a kitchen table into the house.
"Be careful. Don't be too trusting. This may be Charming, but you still need to be careful."
"Do you know them?"
"No, but there is just something . . . "he broke off, shaking his head.
"I'll be careful. Thanks for walking me home."
"It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Can we have lunch tomorrow so we can get in some extra study time? I'll meet you at your locker."
That Thursday, Jax told me he had on his lucky T-shirt. It was a simple white T-shirt with the word "son" in faded blue lettering, all lower case. I've seen him wear the same or a similar shirt many times since my return to Charming.
Friday, Mr. Ragwell listed all the test scores on the board, drew lines and wrote the grades assigned to each category.
As he walked around the classroom passing out exams, he would occasionally make a comment.
"Tara, outstanding work. You have the highest score," Mr. Ragwell said.
"Thank you," I said. It was nice to the highest score, but it also increased the pressure on me to continue to do well. I felt like I had a target on my back.
Jax smiled at me and I knew he took pride in my accomplishment.
"And, Mr. Teller—I mean Jax—an outstanding effort. A vast improvement."
"I wore my lucky T-shirt and Tara told me that you are supposed to study before a test."
"Who knew?" Mr. Ragwell said.
"That's what I said too."
The class laughed. Jax and Mr. Ragwell's exchanges were the highlight of the class.
The paper Mr. Ragwell returned to Jax had a B+ written on it.
"He cheated. He copied her," Dan said.
Dan was an obnoxious know-it-all who didn't know it all based on his C grade. He was also on student council and thought that made him special.
"We had different animals, idiot. I earned my grade," Jax said.
Mr. Ragwell had problems with cheating last year. As a result, he used a bunch of different tests. The questions were pretty much the same, but the order was different. On the front of each exam was an animal's name. Students wrote the animal's name on their answer sheet so when the tests were graded, he would use the answer sheet for that animal.
"Apologize to Jax right now. He did not cheat," Mr. Ragwell said.
"He called me an idiot," Dan protested.
"You deserved it. Apologize or you're going to the principal's office. You wouldn't want that on your permanent record, would you?"
There was an appreciative hush in the classroom. All eyes were on Dan as he squirmed in his seat.
"I'm sorry I said you cheated," Dan said sullenly. His face was flushed with anger.
"I accept your apology," Jax said graciously.
After the tests were returned, Mr. Ragwell began another lecture. I thought the test issue was settled.
Jax and I walked out of class together. Normally, we split up because our lockers are in different places. As soon as Jax turned his back to walk down the other hall, Dan came up to me.
"I know you cheated on that test. I'm going to find out how you and Teller did it and then you're going to be sorry."
Jax must have heard what Dan said to me because he came back, grabbed Dan and shoved him hard against a locker. He twisted his arm behind his back then he leaned in close and said something so softly to Dan that I couldn't hear it. It must have been some kind of threat because all the color drained from his face.
"Tara, come over here. Dan has something he wants to say to you," Jax said.
"I shouldn't have said you cheated," Dan said.
"That wasn't much of an apology," Jax said. He twisted his arm a bit more to encourage Dan. "Do it again."
"I'm sorry I accused you of cheating," Dan said.
"It better not happen again," I said coldly.
Jax nodded his approval of my response and released his hold on Dan.
"I need to go to my locker, then we can do to your locker and I'll walk you home."
"Thanks for helping me with Dan."
"I told you we are partners and allies. I'll always have your back."
"And I'll always have yours."
As it turned out, Jax wouldn't always have my back as I discovered more than ten years later when I was arrested for murder because I gave Otto a crucifix that he used a short time later to kill a nurse in a shocking act of brutality. I had no idea that Otto was so mentally twisted that he would kill a nurse in cold blood just to hurt SAMCRO, let alone use a cross to do it.
He failed. His actions didn't hurt SAMCRO. They hurt me. While I worried about losing my career, my freedom and my boys, Jax was busy setting up a brothel and screwing a whore. I felt abandoned. Who wouldn't?
Sorry, I'm skipping too far ahead. Back to my high school days and the night when my biggest worry was whether or not Jax would come by. I didn't have to wonder. I could have asked him, but that didn't feel right. It felt clingy and guys didn't like clingy based on what I had read, seen on TV and in movies and read in books. I had no experience of my own.
It was the eve of my sixteenth birthday. My father was off with his band. Next week, they had a rare weekend off and he promised we would celebrate it then.
In between wondering what my future held, I would creep silently to the front door's peephole to see if Jax were near. Sometimes, I would peek outside from the window, taking care not to move the curtain or be seen.
As I waited for Jax, I realized that I couldn't spend my entire Saturday waiting for him. I needed to get out of the house and do something.
The next morning, I followed my father's suggestion by taking a fifteen minute walk to Charming's Small Mall—that was its actual name because it was small with less than ten stores and it was a mall since it was enclosed.
I spent the walk imagining my future. Finish high school, go to college, then to medical school and, then and only then, find romance.
I would meet some handsome, fantastic man and I'd fall madly in love. We would get married and have a couple of kids. I would be a renowned surgeon and he would be renowned for something. We would be blissfully happy. That was my master plan.
I needed to step back from my life and quit letting Jax haunt me. I vowed I would not fall victim to a silly schoolgirl crush on him. It wouldn't last and I didn't need heartbreak. I needed to focus on my master plan.
I ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant in the Small Mall. It was the first time I'd eaten real Mexican food. I'd only eaten fast food tacos before that experience. I loved everything about it from the tortilla chips warm and salty from the fryer to the hot plate filled with a shredded beef taco, a cheese enchilada, fluffy rice and refried beans that were bubbling from the plate's heat. For the first time since I'd come to Charming, I felt happy alone. I'd only been happy when Jax was with me. From that day on, Mexican food was comfort food to me.
I went to the drugstore in the Small Mall and bought the perfect shade of plum red lip stain. I then gave myself one last birthday present from the discount bookstore in the mall. I bought a couple of mystery/suspense paperbacks. Back then, I loved the woman in jeopardy and the hot guy that helps her out type of paperback.
My aunt always gave me a look for my birthday. It was the kind of gift I didn't appreciate until I got older and discovered my love of reading. I kept all of the books planning to give them to my daughter, but I didn't live long enough to have one.
The message light was flashing on the answering machine when I got home. My father would sometimes leave messages on the answering machine for me and sometimes he left me notes. Consistency would have been nice, but my father was a creative type and I don't think he was capable of that.
He had called to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me my aunt had given him a package to give to me on my birthday. It was in the hall closet in a gift bag. My father ended the message by telling me I didn't need to call him back.
I got the blue bag from the closet and dug through the silver colored tissue paper to find two packages wrapped in gold.
I started crying, overwhelmed with loss. I didn't realize how much I loved her until my father told me she was dead. It's terrible to discover how much you love someone after death. Even after my horrible behavior she thought about me and my birthday. There was nothing I could do to make amends to her. I could only hope that she could see me and know how much I regretted my behavior and how much I loved her.
I had promised my father I would make cupcakes for him to take to work on Monday. I'd written out a list of ingredients and he actually got everything I needed. I knew I'd spend all day crying if I didn't find something to do. This was a perfect diversion.
Making the cupcakes—cherry chocolate with a vanilla almond filling and chocolate ganache frosting—would keep a tradition I had with my aunt. In addition to always giving me a book for my birthday, she would teach me a recipe. Instead of a store bought birthday cake, we would make an amazing dessert together. The cupcake recipe was from my 12th birthday.
After I finished making the four dozen cupcakes, I took a shower and curled up on the living room sofa with an old movie and my new paperback. I didn't want to open my birthday presents because I was afraid of the emotions that would be stirred up. I decided I'd wait until bedtime to open them.
I was still hoping that Jax would come by, but as time went on, my hopes faded. I was used to being by myself. My birthday was no exception.
When the knock came, it startled me so much I jumped. I went to the door, my heart beating hard and fast. I almost opened the door without looking through the peephole because I was so confident it was Jax. I stopped myself and peered through the peephole. It wasn't Jax. It was the teen guy from next door. The guy banged on the door and rang the doorbell again before finally giving up.
I hesitated before deciding not to open the door. It was a combination of Jax's warning and training from my aunt. She taught me to never open the door for someone I didn't know.
I tried to focus on my book or the movie or anything except Jax. The more I tried to think of something—anything but Jax—the more I thought of him.
Fast forward ten years and I had the exact same problem as I waited in an ICU room with Wendy until Jax arrived. She was still unconscious from a mix of crank and the anesthesia used for the emergency "C" section she needed because the fetus was in distress.
Dr. Namid was the head of the neonatal department and he led the team that began working on the infant immediately after delivery. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby we were working on was Jax's son. I informed Dr. Namid of my prior relationship with Jax and assured him that it wouldn't interfere with my work.
The baby was approximately ten weeks early with a tear in his belly and a hole in his heart. We would have to wait until the infant was stronger so he would have a chance of surviving the surgery. It would be a nail-biting balancing act waiting for the infant to grow strong enough to survive the surgery, but not waiting too long because his body would begin to weaken from the belly and heart defects.
When Dr. Namid left for the day, it fell to me to deliver the news to the family. This was definitely not the way I wanted to see Jax for the first time, but I had no choice.
I didn't have a plan to meet Jax. I figured out that Charming was small and we would eventually bump into each other. I never dreamed we would meet the way we did.
I felt like a fraud. Underneath my medical veneer, I was still the shy, awkward, insecure mess of a teen. I hadn't changed as much as I wanted to believe.
Despite my inner turmoil, I knew that I appeared outwardly composed. No matter how chaotic my emotions, I can appear calm. People frequently see me as cold or aloof because I conceal my feelings. They have no idea how deeply I feel or how sensitive I am. Jax is one of the few who understands.
As I waited anxiously for him, I realized that he would not come alone. I wouldn't just have to face Jax. I'd have to face Gemma, Clay and a couple of the guys from the MC.
I thought the second I saw Jax I would know whether or not I still loved him. This Jax was the same but different. All I could think of was if Jax were a virus, he would be the lethally hot Ebola. The ten years looked good on him. Gone was the lanky teen body replaced by a hard muscled man's body. The sexy confident way he walked with a swing of his hips was new too. I wasn't sure if I felt love, but I definitely felt lust. What woman wouldn't?
After I gave them the medical information, I was going to bring Jax to see his son. He followed me and told me I didn't have to care for the baby. When our eyes met, I felt warmth spread through my body as if someone had taken a blowtorch to me, my heart beat painfully in my chest and my stomach twisted into knots. It all felt like love.
Jax didn't hate me. That was what I feared most. I hurt him. I threw our relationship away. I left him. I expected some anger or bitterness. Instead, I got kindness. The MC life hadn't turned him into another Clay.
Even at a time like this, and after what I'd done to him, he was concerned about my feelings. He knew it would be difficult for me to deal with his mother. I hadn't parted on the best of terms with her.
When he refused to see his son and left, I wasn't surprised. I've seen other parents do the same thing. They can't bear to see their fragile infant hooked up to all the medical equipment necessary to sustain life.
I knew exactly where Jax was going. He would find the dealer who sold Wendy the crank and he would beat him until someone pulled him off. I saw Clay send Chibs and Bobby to watch his back.
That left me alone with Gemma and Clay and Clay still scared the hell out of me. He reminded me of the snake Mr. Ragwell kept in an aquarium in his classroom. Once during class, everyone noticed a white mouse in the aquarium with the snake. There wasn't a lot of room so the mouse kind of scampered around and on the snake's coils. I expected the snake to kill the mouse right away, but it ignored the mouse. I tried to concentrate on Mr. Ragwell's lecture, but I kept glancing at the snake. Jax nudged me after the snake swallowed the mouse. Fortunately, I missed the actual swallowing and all I saw was the bulge in the snake's body near its mouth. Clay was the snake and I was the mouse. He killed with the same amount of thought the snake gave the mouse.
Gemma was more subtle, but no less dangerous than Clay. She was the power behind the throne. Her ambitions for Jax began and ended with the MC and Charming. She wanted nothing more for him than the presidency of the MC and she would accept nothing less.
I knew Gemma saw me as the girl who tried to derail Jax's destiny and take him away. I was pretty sure she still hated me for it. There was no doubt in my mind that as soon as Gemma learned I was back in Charming she knew I was back for her son. She was afraid I'd try to take Jax away from her again and this time I'd succeed. I did succeed. It just cost me my life.
Getting back to my 16th birthday, I was trying to read my book, but I couldn't focus. I was wondering if Jax were out on a date. Maybe that's why he hadn't stopped by. Just as I was feeling crushing misery because I was sure Jax was out with a girl, there was another knock at my door.
I looked out the peephole expecting to see my neighbor from earlier. Instead, I saw the porch light shining on Jax's bright blonde hair. I thought my heart would explode with happiness. I also had a silly ear to ear grin on my face that I managed to reduce to a smile before I flung open the door. He smiled at me and my master plan to resist him crumbled.
Next Up Solace