A/N: Hi everyone! So from here on in the order of these is going to start to jump around a bit. This one is about the "fag incident" (as I have deamed it) in season one. I just want to say that I think Kurt has a point in this in that he holds some of the responsibility but I definitely had kurt take on way too much of it in this. Finn had no right! I think that's how kurt would feel though. I also just wanted to point out the reason I've been having kurt call burt 'daddy'. In my head kurt only calls him that when talking to his mom b/c that's what he called him when she died. I think kurt does it so as to avoid having his mother realise he's growing up and she's missing his life. Obviously that argument in his head isn't a great one but that's just how I picture it. I have plans for two more chapters but after that I'm open to prompts so feel free. Hope you enjoy and sorry for the rambling
Lessthanthree
Katie
Hey, mom. How's it going? I bet it's lonely. Even though there are so many others in the ground with you, I bet you feel all by yourself. I bet you feel that way because none of the people down there with you love you the way you deserve to be loved. None of them love you like daddy and I do. We do love you. I know that's not much comfort because we can't hold you and kiss you and we don't even get to talk to you. I know how you feel, mom. I shouldn't because I'm still alive but I really, really do.
He, uh, he called me a fag, mom. Finn did. I guess he directed it more at my stuff than at me but that doesn't really help. I didn't think he would ever do that. It might not have been as bad if it had been one of the other jocks but it wasn't, it was Finn. The one boy in that stupid school that didn't seem to think I was disgusting, the one boy that would actually talk to me. He actually seemed to care about my well being too but I guess that's all shot to hell now because now he thinks I'm just some stupid little fag.
You know what the worst part about this whole mess is? I can't sit back and be the victim because it was my fault. I feel so guilty because daddy yelled at him and every time Finn apologises I just glare at him even though I know he deserves to be forgiven because it was my fault. He feels so bad because he truly does care and really is a nice guy and I just let him feel that way because if I admit to anyone what I did then what Finn said would be true. I'm just some stupid little fag because all I want to do is convert and molest straight guys.
God, mom, I know he's straight. I know. I know he's not going to suddenly switch because I've tried to switch myself countless times. Why couldn't I just let it be? Why did I have to push and push and push and ruin everything? I could see it too. I could always see when I would cross some line because I left my hand on his shoulder too long or something like that and he would get uncomfortable. He would be fine, fine with me, happy to talk to me, and then I would push and he make some excuse to leave. Because he's nice though, within a day he would be fine again. I guess I just went way too far this time though and he finally snapped.
You know what the worst part about this whole mess is? Wait, I already said that didn't I? I guess there are a lot of worst parts. Anyways, the new worst part is that I don't even love Finn or anything close to that. He doesn't inspire me or leave my heart aching in want for more. He doesn't feel like my prince. He actually kinda has Lima Loser written all over him. He's simply just nice and decently good looking. I so desperately push limits for nice and decently good looking. What is wrong with me mom? I shouldn't allow myself to settle for that. I'm not even settling though am I? I'm fighting for it. Oh god, I'm so screwed up. I shouldn't have ruined everything for that. The sad part is, is that there is no one better than Finn, at least not for me.
And not only did I destroy my pathetic excuse for a love life but I took daddy's down with me. I feel horrible about that. He was finally starting to fall in love again and now that's shot to hell too. I'm sorry if hearing about daddy finding someone else hurts. I know you want him to be happy though. I want him to be happy too and that's why I feel so damn guilty about this.
You know he couldn't even hug me after the whole blow up. He patted me on the shoulder. I just got called a fag by the one person who seemed to care. I swear my heart had been shattered into a million pieces by both Finn's words and my own guilt and daddy couldn't even hug me. I think that was the worst part. Oh look, we're back here again. Not only did Finn not love me but it was like daddy didn't either. I know that's not true. He wouldn't have laid into Finn the way he did if he didn't love me but, I don't know, I needed some physical contact with someone to prove that I wasn't too disgusting to receive it.
I know if you had been there you would have held me and let me cry and reassured me that none of this was my fault even though I know it was. You would have held me until the tears stopped and then told me to go have a shower while you went to the corner store by the park to get a liter of mocha, chocolate swirl ice cream and then you would have curled up with me in my bed and watched 'The Sound of Music' with me while we ate it. God, why did you have to die, mom? Daddy tries but he's just not the same.