Justified: Silly Girl

Chapter 4

Silly, silly girl…this is without a doubt the stupidest, most dangerous stunt you have ever pulled. Next time, just call or take a chill pill...

I found myself sitting in my car outside Raylan's motel room. He was right…it wasn't as bad as a 'no-tell' motel, but it wasn't the Renaissance either. Something like one of those old Holiday Inns. Despite the hour there was a light on in the window. Maybe he isn't even there…or worse, maybe he is there with someone…oh God, what am I doing here?

Well, here I was, too far from home to safely go back. As it was, I was surprised Clive hadn't materialized out of the backseat of my car. I opened the car door quietly and got out. I nervously ran my hand through my hair as I walked up to the door and knocked softly. Geez… this was stupid.

After Raylan left my room, I went through my nightly routine. I bathed my kids and we sat together as we always did in a huge oversized rocker and read stories. Then I curled up next to them until they fell asleep. I went back to my room, showered again…this time not trying to remove filth but to feel clean and beautiful again. I took care with my hair and shaved my legs, used the expensive scented creams and soaps to make sure I smelled good to my very pores. All the while I thought I knew what I was doing, but never really believed I would go through with it. It was just an innocent fantasy, not something I would actually do. It was too unlike me, too forward, too vulnerable. No, it was just a distraction for the moment, for the day.

By 2:00 a.m., the house was silent and I was ready. But surely I would get caught or chicken out at the last minute. I wasn't really going to do this. It was more of a game in my mind. Before I knew it, I was carrying my boots down the back stairs and out the door into the garage. My Lexus started silently and I found myself driving down the gravel driveway slowly and without lights. Someone's going to stop me at the gate. ..I won't really leave…

But no one did and finally I was on the highway headed towards a motel I knew of but had never been to before. I rode in silence, trying to hear every possible sound, spot every possible danger. Clive…

Raylan opened the motel room door in his tank undershirt and his half-opened jeans. He was barefoot and his hair mussed. And I thought he had never looked so good. I caught my breath at the sight of him, which was soon knocked out of me when he yanked me into the room

"WHAT THE HELL?" He looked out the door to either side and found I was completely alone. "What are you doing here? How did you get away? No one knows you're gone, right?"

I kept my voice calm and scooted past him into the room, seeing the single Queen bed with cheap covers, the bar set up in the corner and the small fridge below, and another door I guessed led to the bathroom. "See even you think of me as a prisoner…and in my own house! 'How did you get away?' And no, no one saw me. I kept thinking someone would stop me, save me from myself, but your wunderkind Marshals were asleep on the job. And here I am. I just glad I didn't come all this way to find you not here or with someone else. The first would have been frightening and the second… well I'll just stick with embarrassing."

He just stared at me, emotions rolling across his face rapidly. I saw fear, anxiety, frustration, and not the least, anger. His voice dropped to a dangerous whisper, "No one was awake to stop you…?"

He pulled out his cell phone, "I have to call Art and let him know where you are before everyone freaks. And in the morning, I'm taking you back. And if you do this again Gracie, I swear I will…"

"Will what Raylan? I don't think you will hurt me, no matter how angry you are. But of course I have been wrong before."

"You are making me crazy. Please, stop it."

"Am I really so awful?"

"Yes," then he shook his head, "no, but this is dangerous. You could be killed. Clive is dangerous."

I was silent for a moment and then walked to the sink for a glass and back to the table with an open file laying on it. There was a bottle of Jim Beam sitting there and a half-full glass of the whiskey already poured. I poured myself one and drank it down like a shot, and then poured myself another. I took the glass and walked to the bed and sat. Raylan's eyes just followed me, waiting for me to break the silence.

My voice started out in a whisper, so low I wasn't even sure he heard it. "I know how dangerous Clive is. I know first-hand. And after I tell you the story, I think you will understand a lot more. When I met Clive, he was a charmer. He was also known in circles to be quite the player, but once we got together all that seemed to stop. And I never dreamed he would ever hurt me. I never dreamed he was capable of any of the things that happened." I took a long draw on my drink and continued.

"We had a pre-nup that set everything up. That was my father's idea and thank goodness we did. I kept my name… it is a proud name with a great deal of Kentucky heritage behind it. That was the first thing that irked Clive, but I didn't really notice. Then, he had no access to any funds from the farm, no part of the ownership, nothing. But he had his medical practice and I thought that was enough. I still didn't realize he had really married me to be his wealthy arm-candy. And while we were quite the beautiful couple on the charity and social circuit, he didn't have a penny from me. Again, I never realized how that must have fueled his as of yet undiscovered rage."

"We had Michael and all still seemed well. We were both busy and I was living in some sort of fantasy world. I had no idea the things he was involved in. As his practice started to fail, and his desire for money grew, his anger towards me became more direct. He would say things and do things that were mean. And apparently this is also when he started getting into all of his illegal activities. Those you know about so I won't revisit that."

Raylan had taken a seat in the chair across from where I sat on the bed, his glass in his hands, his elbows on his knees, listening intently.

I was coming up on the worst part of the story, the part I had never shared with anyone. My breath became shallow and my mouth was dry. I took another big gulp of the whiskey and he poured some more into the glass. My eyes were unfocused as I started to talk again.

"At some point, his attitude towards me became intolerable and I kicked him out and filed for divorce. It was hard, but I thought that once I turned it over to the lawyers that would be the end of my dealings with Clive," I paused and drew another deep breath in. "But it didn't turn out that way. Sometimes I look back on that whole time and think I must be incredibly stupid to have not seen it coming. But I didn't."

"When the net around Clive was becoming tighter and tighter, he came into the house. Almost everyone was gone to the Blue Grass festival and I was alone. I don't like those sorts of things…too many people." From the corner of my eye I saw Raylan nod in agreement but remain silent, waiting for me to continue. "I was in the kitchen fixing myself a sandwich when he came in. I turned wondering who had returned and there he was. I'll never forget the look on his face. It was nothing less than a cruel snarl like that of a rabid dog." My voice dropped again to a whisper as I stared into space reliving the moment, second by second.

"He pushed me onto the kitchen table and ripped my clothes, his hands clawing and scratching me. His mouth left bite marks on my shoulders and neck, and ultimately a few other places as well. And leaning me over the table, he raped me…over and over again. He would force his way into me making me scream as I felt my body rip. When he was finished he would begin to beat me…his belt, a kitchen tool, his fists…he just kept going. He was completely out of control…not even human anymore. I lost count of how many times he raped me, thank God. Mercifully, I lost consciousness and no longer knew what I was enduring. I found out later that he hadn't stopped after I was unconscious but kept going at me. I think he was trying to kill me. And he came very close. I think he thought he had killed me and then left. I woke up a week later in the hospital."

Nausea had been building up as I told the story, the memories flooding through my brain, but I wanted to get it all out before I stopped. Other than the single detective I gave my statement to, I never talked about it again. Sure people knew, but I stayed silent on the subject and no one had the nerve to question me. Now I had just broken my silence.

I stood quickly, wobbling on my feet and rushed to the bathroom, closing the door and retching into the toilet. I couldn't seem to stop, the sobs and the dry heaves just kept coming. It felt like my stomach was going to be ripped apart. I heard the door quietly open and Raylan came in. He sat on the floor with me, holding my long hair out of the way while I hung onto the toilet seat. I could feel the cold tile floor against my legs and he put a wet cloth on the back of my neck. And he just sat there. A comforting presence…not talking, not judging, only being there for me at that moment.

When my stomach finally settled, I sat back against the tile wall where he tucked my shoulder under his and wrapped his arms around me, my head resting on his shoulder. And we stayed like that for a long time.

When my heart rate and breathing had slowed and I had become drowsy, he helped me off the floor and led me to the sink, handing me his toothbrush, knowing I would want to brush my teeth.

I held the toothbrush up and looked at him questioningly, "You don't mind? Not many people share their toothbrushes with anyone, not even spouses."

His voice was rough with unspoken emotion, "I suppose after what you just shared with me, the least I can do is share my toothbrush."

I gave him a slight smile and took the toothbrush and walked back into the bathroom and closed the door. I washed my face with cold water, brushed my teeth several times, and took a long look at myself in the mirror. Was it worth it, silly girl? Do you feel better? Was he the right person to share it with? I didn't have answers to any of those questions yet.

When I came out of the bathroom, I saw him cleaning up a mess of broken glass and saw the bloody cuts on his hands. "What happened?"

"I guess I just squeezed too hard. Nothing to worry about. I turned to bed down so you can get some sleep." Raylan had turned down one side of the bed and steered me towards it.

"Let me see your hands first." I took a look at all the cuts and the blood. "Geez, Raylan. These are those cheap hotel glasses. They aren't easy to break."

"Yeah, well..."

I looked up at him and smiled softly, then led him to the sink to wash the cuts. I held his hands and fished the chunks of glass out and dropped them in the trashcan below. After each hand was cleaned, I leaned over and kissed each cut, absorbing what little blood was left with my tongue. After the first touch of my tongue to his skin, I heard his breath hitch and grow shallow. I looked up at him while my mouth traveled over his damaged hands. I watched as his eyes became heated and his tongue licked his lips. Silly girl, you are teasing the tiger...very dangerous. I moved my hands lightly up his bare, muscled arms until they rested gently behind his neck. Our eyes never parted from each other. He leaned in very slowly, hesitantly waiting for me to move away, but I didn't. Finally, after what seemed like days, his lips finally touched mine. It was a tender kiss. I tasted the JB on his lips and the salt...tears? as he held the kiss for just a moment and then broke away. We both sighed and I pulled away from him, leading him to where he had turned down the bed. I had a sense of regret that we had just shared something so intimate and yet there was no next step to go to. And maybe that made it all the more intimate.

"We will both take the bed. After all of this, I don't want to be alone, even if you are only on the floor beside me. Trust me Raylan, taking advantage of you is the furthest thing from my mind right now. Well, maybe it was but I promise I'll be good. You can keep your honor."

I heard him grumble slightly under his breath, "It isn't you I'm worried about, Gracie."

I smiled at his comment as I sat on the bed and took my boots off and then my jeans. He started to object as he saw my bare legs but I raised my hand up. "Really Raylan, you've seen me in much less when I'm in my bathing suit. And I hate to sleep in jeans." I pulled my shirt off and under it was a black tank undershirt and one could see the black straps of my bra under that. I was left in black panties and a black t-shirt.

Exhausted, I climbed into bed and thought I would fall asleep before he got in bed beside me, if he got in beside me, but instead he joined me before I fell asleep. I heard him get his gun and lay it next to him on the bed. I was on his left side so his gun hand was free. I snuggled next to him while he pulled me into a loose embrace, kissing the top of my head. "Dream sweet dreams baby," he said. I smiled at the endearment and snuggled closer. My leg brushed again him and I heard him gasp. He couldn't hide his erection and didn't try to.

"It's ok, Raylan. I trust you and I'm sorry it all came to that. I know this isn't the time or the place." I paused as I listened to his quiet breathing. "Raylan? I haven't told anyone that story. And I haven't slept in anyone's bed or anyone in my bed since..." and my voice drifted off.

Just before I lost myself to complete sleep I heard him say, "Well then Gracie Mae, I'm glad that it is me."

TBC

Remember to review! As Booth once said to Bones: "You have the time to write. I have the time to read."