Keith looked downright miserable from where he sat across the fire from her. Their campfire popped and crackled, casting flickering shadows across the damp walls of the alcove that they had come to call home since they had taken up residence on the 'space whale.' Keith had coined the term not long after they had found the majestic beast, stating that the creature reminded him of its Earth equivalent. Krolia had spent three years on Earth, but could not remember any of it's creatures being this massive, to which Keith had informed her that Earth whales lived in the ocean and that having lived in the desert his entire live, he had also never seen one.
Her son sniffled slightly, rubbing the back of his hand against his nose, and Krolia wondered if it was a sign that he was getting sick or simply due to the constant dampness that had plagued them for the past three days. Whilst it was a small blessing that the space whale had an atmosphere with breathable air, it also meant that came with its own weather; so for the past few days the three of them – Keith's new pet wolf included – had been confined to the alcove as the rain had set in and looked like it wasn't letting up anytime soon.
Krolia heard Keith sniffle again, he curled further into himself in a desperate attempt to keep himself warm, his gloomy expression deepening. The wolf pup shifted further into her son's side, its thick fur providing extra warmth. He sat right at the edge of the fire pit, and Krolia mused that if he were able too, he'd probably be sitting amongst the flames. She had found out early on into their stay together that Keith was more susceptible to the cold than she was, and that he was also too stubborn to actually tell her of the fact, a trait that he had (unfortunately) inherited from her. Although their Blade of Marmora armour was well insulated, the constant rain seemed to seep through anyway, leaving both of them constantly chilled.
Krolia also knew that Keith had not been sleeping well lately, probably due of the cold as well as the memories that they had been forced to re-live since they had entered the Quantum Abyss. Lately they had been re-living Keith's memories, and whilst some of them had been happy ones, – Krolia enjoyed those of his time with Voltron the most, as Keith would go on later to tell her more stories of his former team with a small smile, one that she rarely saw on him – some of the latest ones had been, not so happy.
The worst had been a week ago. Keith had been sleeping – it was Krolia's turn to keep watch – when she saw the bright light that came before they were flung back to the past, or on the rare occasion saw glimpses of their futures. The memory was a short one – a much younger version of her son, standing at his fathers, her partners, grave.
Krolia had been flung back to the present with a start, and she had not been surprised to feel the tears trailing down her face. In the months since they reunited, Keith had never mentioned his father, and while a part of her desperately tried to deny it, she had come to believe that he wasn't around anymore. Now that her fears were confirmed, she hurt. But the hurt over the loss of her partner was nothing compared to the pain she felt for her son, who was so young when his father had died. She had left Earth to protect them, and by a cruel twist of fate, her child was left alone and vulnerable at such a young age.
Keith had awoken shortly after, his back turned to her as he quietly apologised for not telling her sooner. She had covered the distance between them in an instant, gathering her son up into her arms as she whispered out apologies into his hair. Keith had stilled against her at first, before allowing himself to relax into her hug, as they grieved their loss together.
Krolia later realised that this was the first time that she had held her son since she had left him, all those years ago.
The memories that followed were not any better. She saw glimpses of the moment that Keith found out that the Kerberos mission was declared lost, Keith realising once again that he was alone in the world. She saw memories of her son alone in a familiar desert shack. She saw how happy Keith had been when he got Shiro back, to then only watch his heart break again when his friend was ripped away from him again only months later. She saw the memory of his team, looking at him in disapproval, as he had let them down one time too many, and he succeeded at isolating himself from everyone once again.
Keith had been particularly solemn after that one. It seemed to be the most recent and Krolia assumed that the feelings associated with it were still raw.
She supposed that the combination of the rain and having to re-live these moments was the reason why Keith suddenly exclaimed in frustration, startling the wolf at his side, and Krolia from her thoughts.
"I can't take any more of this fucking rain!" he cried out as he stalked out of the alcove, (ironically) into the rain.
Krolia stood to go comfort him, but hesitated as she got the edge of the alcove. This had not been the first time in their few months together that Keith's frustration and anger had gotten the better of him. Every time, Krolia felt a pull from within her that made her want to hug him like she did when he was an infant, holding him tight to her to make all of his problems go away. But she always stopped herself. Keith was not an infant anymore. She had been gone for many years and that infant now stood before her as an adult, although a young one – especially by Galra standards.
It hit her at that moment that it was fear that stopped her. She almost forgot what it felt like to be afraid. There was no room for fear with the Blade of Marmora. But that is what she felt. She was afraid. Afraid of rejection from her only child.
Krolia scowled at the realisation. She was not going to be afraid anymore. She steeled herself, steeping out of the alcove, but was distracted from her mission by another bright flash of light. The last thing she saw before it enveloped them was Keith flinch, bracing himself.
The memory was short, playing out in flashes. A battle, Keith in Blade of Marmora armour flying a Galra fighter ship. He desperately attempted to contact the Voltron Paladins – his friends – as he kept up communication with another human sided with the rebels. Memory Keith looked at the impenetrable shield that protected the Galra warship and Zarkon's witch and in that moment he made his decision, as he turned the fighter ship around and – to Krolia's horror – flew the ship straight at the shield, his rebel friend desperately pleading him to stop over the comms. Krolia watched on as memory Keith closed his eyes, accepting his sacrifice if it meant that his friends would survive.
Krolia came back to the present, her mind reeling. Horrified by what she had seen, she reached out for her son; his back turned to her, his shoulders hunched around his ears and hands fisted at his sides. "Keith-" she whispered.
"There was no other way." He cut her off abruptly, flinching away from her outstretched hand. "Haggar had Nuxzela set to blow, and it would have taken Voltron and the rest of us out with it." He explained. His voice cracked slightly, "The mission is more important than the individual."
Krolia lightly grasped Keith's shoulder, pulling him around to meet her eyes. "Do they know?" she asked gently. Keith refused to meet her eyes, but she saw the brief shake of his head. "Why didn't you tell them?"
"It wasn't important at the time. Lotor showed up at the last minute and managed to break the barrier, so everything was fine. Then we had to deal with Lotor suddenly wanting to change sides so there was no time to mention it to anyone before I was sent on another mission with the Blade."
Krolia wondered if that was the actual reason. In the short time she had to get to know her son, she knew that he had a tendency to ignore his own emotions.
"And anyway, it wouldn't have mattered. If Lotor didn't show up then I would have died and Voltron would be safe and that's all that matters." Keith finally raised his eyes to meet Krolia's, an intensity shining in them that Krolia had not seen before. Krolia felt her heart sink.
The mission is greater than the individual.
Krolia leveled herself with her son, tightening her grip on his shoulders "Keith, you are important too."
It broke her heart that Keith had any right to look surprised by her statement. His surprise melted into sorrow, his eyes becoming glassy with emotion, and for a split second Krolia wondered if she said something wrong.
"I couldn't let them die." Keith's voice cracked at the admission, leaning forward and pressing his face into Krolia's shoulder. Krolia wrapped her arms around him, taking note of his slight shaking that she doubted was due to the rain.
It began to make sense to her now. The cycle that Keith seemed to be stuck in. Not allowing himself to get too close to anyone lest they leave him again.
He had just decided at one point to pull away before anyone could do it to him first.
But he had let himself get close to his team, and now he hurt because he was unsure if they cared for him as much as he cared for them.
No-one had stopped him when he left Voltron. Krolia had seen the memory. They let him go thinking that it was what he wanted. And in some ways it was. But in the end it had just reaffirmed his fears that he wasn't needed. That he wasn't wanted. And the cycle began anew.
That cycle started with her leaving.
Krolia cupped Keith's face in her hands, drawing him away from her and forcing him to look her in the eyes. "I'm never going to leave you again, Keith." A mixture of emotions swam in her sons eyes, relief, happiness, hope; but the one that dominated was doubt. "It might take a while for you to truly believe that – and that is entirely my fault – but please, know that I am telling the truth."
Keith broke her hold as he stepped back warily. The moment grew slightly tense as Keith starred her down, searching to see if there was a trick to her words. She understood why, Keith had learnt when he was too young that words could be empty, meaningless and used to manipulate; she had seen those memories too. But seeing only sincerity, he slightly nodded.
"I believe you, Krolia." he smiled softly.
Regardless of the chill the rain had brought, warmth spread through every inch of her body, and Krolia found herself smiling back.