CHAPTER 4

Kasumi Becomes a Magical Girl ／人◕‿‿◕人＼

AN: Sorry for the delay with this chapter... said the man who also has another fic on this site he hasn't updated in two years. I was having some minor writers' block and couldn't seem to come up with any perfectly logical events that could happen. Eventually the solution was... include an extended reference to my favorite anime! Perfect. In the meantime I went ahead and wrote out the climax of the story though, so I have basically finished writing the story now. I'll probably be spacing the release of said rest of the story out over the next couple of days though.

It had been two days since Kiyoshi ditched Kasumi and Steve?. He was currently spending the night in some random inn he'd come across on the way home. There, he was having a terrible nightmare.

Kasumi's father was standing in front of him, giving him a very mean look.

"Why didn't you help my daughter save me?!" Kasumi's father said.

Kiyoshi had no excuse and merely wet his pants imagining the horrible things Kasumi's father might do to him.

Then he woke up and found that thankfully the pants-wetting thing was just part of the dream and his pants were in fact still dry. However, the image of Kasumi's father obviously scheming some horrible punishment for abandoning his daughter stayed with Kiyoshi, and so it was not long before he realized he had to go back and help Kasumi see her journey through to the end.

And so he rode off on his trusted pet Gogoat that he bought at the nearest pet-store for 50 yen, back towards the place where he had parted ways with his friend and… whatever the hell Kasumi would qualify as.

Meanwhile, Kasumi and Steve? were walking through a forest made of candy-floss trees when suddenly Kasumi saw an adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy sitting on the road staring right into her soul with the most adorably creepy expression in the history of ever.

"Oh hello adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy sitting on the road staring right into my soul with the most adorably creepy expression in the history of ever, what are you doing here?" Kasumi said.

"Hello Miss Kasumi, I have come because I have a request to make of you," the adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy said.

"What?" Kasumi said.

"My name is Kyubey and I want you to make a contract with me and become a magical girl," the adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy whose name was apparently Kyubey said.

"Magical girl? You mean I get to, like, fly around on a broomstick and fight extremely saccharine non-threatening Saturday morning cartoon villains with my magical powers and stuff?" Kasumi said.

"…Not really," Kyubey said.

"Huh… Well then what does it entail?"

"Well you do still get to fly around on a broomstick and fight villains with your magical powers and stuff, but the villains you will be destined to fight will not be all that saccharine or non-threatening," Kyubey said.

"Darn. Well do I at least get to wear an adorable frilly and colorful outfit?"

"Sure."

"Yay!" Kasumi said happily. "Okay, so how do I do this thing?"

"Well I can grant you any one wish you want and that wish will shape your power and abilities as a magical girl," Kyubey said.

"Wow Kasumi, this is a great chance. You could wish that your dad was free or that the books were dead or something!" Steve? said in a rare moment of actual logical thinking.

"Huh? Nah that's way too easy," Kasumi said. "I wish… TO BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICAL GIRL IN THE HISTORY OF EVER WHO CAN DO EVERYTHING AND IS COMPLETELY IMMORTAL AND ALSO WILL NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRANSFORM INTO THE VERY MONSTERS I'M SUPPOSED TO FIGHT AGAINST!" Kasumi declared.

"Darn. My plan is ruined," said Kyubey and everyone who has seen Puella Magi Madoka Magica will know exactly what I mean. And so Kasumi became a magical girl with absolutely none of the drawbacks of being a magical girl.

"Okay, so what do I have to do now?" Kasumi asked.

"Well you're supposed to fight against witches but…" Kyubey said and then Kasumi cast a spell that murdered every witch in the universe including but not limited to: Charlotte, Gertrud, Walpurgisnacht, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Kiki, the Witch of the Wastes, Galadriel, the witch who lived in the witch-hut Steve? found while exploring the Minecraft-world once, and Sabrina.

"Okay, what now?" Kasumi said but Kyubey had gone home to reflect about how Kasumi had just completely wrecked his entire system and if he could feel emotions he would be really angry about that.

"Huh, what a douchebag," Kasumi said and then she and Steve? continued on their merry way. But then unbeknownst to her, Kyubey had gone off in search of someone else to help him salvage his plans…

"Hey Sailor Pluto, would you like to make a contract with me and become a magical girl?"

"Uh, I kind of already am one…" Sailor Pluto said.

"Really? I don't see no Soul Gem," Kyubey reasonably pointed out. "Anyway there's this girl who went and became a magical girl who just breaks all the rules of causality and also completely screwed over my plan to extend the lifespan of the universe. Could you make a contract with me and wish to go back in time to before I made a contract with her and tell me how badly this will mess up my plans so that I won't even try?"

"Why would I need to make a contract to do that? I already have magical powers," Sailor Pluto said and then just travelled back in time without the help of Kyubey's soul-stealing evil powers.

And so the majority of what has happened in this chapter was retconned out of existence and thus Kyubey's plans were once again in motion and his journey to steal people's souls so as to somehow extend the lifespan of the universe because of logic that I will admit is a little bullshit continued. And since all that has happened so far in this chapter was retconned, Kasumi had learned nothing.

"Gasp!" Kasumi said.

"What is it?" Steve? said.

"It's been over a day since I last learned an important life-lesson! Clearly the time of insightful character-development has passed! It is time for us to go confront the books and rescue my father!" Kasumi said with Flawless Logic(TM).

But enough about that, how's Kiyoshi doing?

Kiyoshi was riding along the road trying to catch up to his friends. He had so far made it about two hundred meters away from the pet-store because everyone kept challenging him to Pokémon battles and since he wasn't a very experienced trainer he kept losing and having to go back to the nearest Pokémon Center to heal his Gogoat. As a result, said Gogoat also wasn't terribly fond of him.

Lucky for him though, at that very moment, Batman came driving by chasing the Joker in his Batmobile while playing his own badass theme-song at full volume. Batman then spotted Kiyoshi and stopped the Batmobile.

"Hey. Need a ride?" Batman said.

"Uh… Well yes, that would be nice," Kiyoshi said and released the Gogoat who then ran off to pursue his lifelong dream of being a ballet-dancer. "I'm trying to get back to Kasumi and Steve? whom I casually ditched a few days ago.

"Okay," Batman said and started driving towards where they were, completely ignoring the Joker who then went on to do evil things unhindered by Batman.

"So why are you helping me anyway?" Kiyoshi said.

"Well it was the least thing I could do after you and your friends helped me defeat Iron Man earlier."

"Well, that was really only Kasumi and honestly she wasn't so much 'helping you' as she was just pissed off because Iron Man accidentally killed yet another cat of hers, but fair enough," Kiyoshi said.

Batman still let him ride though because he was nice that way.

Three epic confrontations with the Joker later, Kiyoshi and Batman caught up with Kasumi and Steve?, who were just finishing up their own epic battle with Lord Voldemort. They won.

"Kiyoshi! I'm so happy to see you," Kasumi said with the biggest happiest smile ever.

"I'm not," Kiyoshi said with the smallest least happy smile ever. Actually it was so small and not happy that I'm not sure I'd even call it a smile, more like, well his mouth was completely straight and so were his eyebrows and really if I didn't know any better I'd almost say he was looking kind of incredibly annoyed.

"I always knew you'd change your mind and come back to us," Steve? said.

"Yeah well if I didn't I'm sure Kasumi's dad would torture me or something," Kiyoshi said.

"Anyway! It is still another day's march to the books' castle! Let us keep moving!" Kasumi said and so they did.

Three minutes later they were there.

"Well that was fast," Kasumi said as she looked upon the building in front of them which was big, completely square-shaped, had no windows, looked decidedly cardboard-y, and it had a note stuck to it saying "THE EVIL BOOKS' CASTLE. KASUMI'S DAD IS LOCKED UP INSIDE!"

"Alright, let's go save your dad!" Steve? said enthusiastically and charged straight inside the castle which promptly collapsed the instant he opened the door.

Oh and there was a basilisk inside it which looked at him so he died. So that was kinda inconvenient.

Kasumi and Kiyoshi cleverly looked away though, before Kasumi pulled out a homing Anti-Basilisk-Missile from her bag and killed the basilisk with it. She then pulled Steve? out of her bag because she didn't know how far away he would be respawning.

"Well, the castle seems to have collapsed. Now, my dad has got to be here somewhere!" Kasumi said.

"…You do realize that this castle is a very obvious fake, right?" Kiyoshi said.

"Shush you, why'd you have to ruin the shocking plot-twist?!" Kasumi said with Flawless Logic(TM).

"Shocking plot-… WE'RE NOT IN A GODDAMN BOOK YOU KNOW!" Kiyoshi said.

"Silence. Your stupidity distracts me," Kasumi said reasonably and then pulled out her map.

"Oh no," she said. "The map shows that dad isn't here at all! The books tricked us!"

Kiyoshi, fearing that his IQ would drop by 50 if he tried to argue with Kasumi's bullshit again, opted to remain silent.

Steve? gasped loudly.

"Okay this is the final straw! We are going straight to those books' castle right now and we are going to murder them!" Kasumi declared before pulling a portal leading straight to the books' castle out of her bag.

Kiyoshi was dumbstruck by the overwhelming stupidity that this action revealed and could no longer remain silent. "THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SPARE US ALL THIS BULLSHIT?!"

"Because I told you last chapter when we were in front of the signs. Sheesh, do you ever pay attention?" Kasumi said, repeating her Flawless Logic(TM) from early last chapter.

Kiyoshi reminded himself to move to another country as soon as this journey was over and never, ever get involved with Kasumi again. Then they walked through the portal and found themselves right in front of the books' castle. The time had come, at last, for the final confrontation with the books…