A/N: The song for this chapter is "Somedays" by Regina Specktor. Some scenes and dialogue will also be taken (and altered) from the season 9 episode, "Inconceivable," which of course does not belong to me. Also, I'm making Elliot's kids a couple of year's younger than they probably were at this point in the series.

Chapter 4: Reflection

"You guys still coming over for Easter?" Elliot and Olivia were sitting outside of the courtroom, waiting for the verdict on their most recent case. She nodded. It had become a tradition. Ever since Olivia's mother had died and she didn't have a family to celebrate the holidays with (not like it had ever been much of a celebration before anyway), Elliot had invited her to share some of the major ones with himself, Kathy, and the kids – Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Easter. When Alex came into the picture, the couple was more than content to act as each other's company for most of the holidays, but Easter remained one time in which the Stabler-Benson-Cabot clan still came together. she wasn't quite sure why. Before Elliot, she had never even celebrated Easter, not being religious herself, and despite having grown up Christian, Alex wasn't all too spiritual either. Olivia supposed that for her, Easter had become more of a tradition – a family time – where she'd and dye eggs and do other crafts, enjoy a chaotic dinner, and join the kids on their annual egg hunt. To everyone's surprise, it had become a holiday that she was most excited for.

"Good." Elliot's phone chirped and he looked down at the message. "It's Cragen. He said he wants us back down at the precinct ASAP. There's a case." Back at the 1-6, The detectives were met by the captain and the chief of detectives.

"Olivia," the latter greeted. "Elliot, I understand you're a proud new papa. Oh, this is the little tyke?" Olivia watched the chief examine the picture of Eli with a small smile. While she was very much happy for Elliot and Kathy, and was took pride in her role of surrogate-aunt, she couldn't help but feel a bit jealous towards her partner, who was basking in the arrival of yet another perfect child. "Hmm, well that is fine work detective," the chief continued.

Luckily, Cragen got right down to business. "The chief has assigned us a case. He wants it top priority."

"Absolutely. What is it?" Olivia asked. The squad was briefed on the case: the theft of a cryotank full of embryos – as the chief described, "potential children who have been kidnapped." The next couple hours were filled with paperwork, background research that would hopefully give them some insight as to a motive and potential perps. Olivia perched herself on the corner of a desk, leafing through the notes from the 2-6 officers who had been handling the case before it was reassigned. "Hormonal wannabe mama re-interview. Nice." She shook her head with a sigh. "Look, I like Marty, but it's probably best we're handling this."

"And here's the reason we are," Elliot demurred, grabbing a cup of coffee. He walked over to Olivia and showed her a file. "Police commissioner and his wife." He continued on, stating that there were several other cases that they should have been handling before this.

Frustrated, Olivia countered, "Well, it's not like somebody stole their hubcaps, Elliot. Do you know what they went through to get those embryos?"

"You know I don't. I had kids the old-fashioned way," he responded almost boastfully.

Olivia couldn't believe how insensitive he was being. It certainly struck a nerve. It was pretty clear that Olivia wouldn't be getting Alex pregnant anytime soon without some sort of outside assistance. She envied the fact that Elliot could spawn as many natural, beautiful children as he wanted with his wife while she and Alex had no guarantees. Too many different factors. Elliot's words stung.

"Nice," she sneered sarcastically. "Well, some people aren't as blessed as you are." With that she dismounted the desk, grabbing her badge and gun before heading out to the squad cars, leaving a contrite Elliot and uncomfortable Fin and Lake behind. This was going to be a long day.

~*~*Page Break~*~*

The tension between the detectives had only intensified as they headed back to the car after interviewing the Harveys, a couple who had extracted eggs from their seven-year-old disabled daughter after starting her on fertility treatments. Olivia was dialing her cell phone furiously. "Who are you calling?"

"Children's services," she scoffed.

Elliot sighed, jamming his hands into his coat pockets. "Don't."

"You can't possibly be okay with what they're doing to her."

"Look, it's a nightmare. But it's a bad situation no matter what they do. They think they're doing what's best for their kid."

Olivia looked at him appalled, stopping dead in her tracks. "They're trapping her in a child's body forever."

Elliot shook his head. "Parents have to make hard choices. Now, this last pregnancy, Kathy was over forty. It – it makes for much higher risk... things like Down Syndrome..."

"And you know what," Olivia interrupted, "Eli turned out perfect, so spare me the perils of women over forty having babies.

Elliot could almost feel the ice radiating off of his partner as she whipped back to the car. He knew he needed to do something. While the partners frequently disagreed over certain issues, their feuds usually blew over. This, however, was not that case this time; Elliot knew he had struck a nerve – and stuck his foot in his mouth several times already.

He sat down in the driver's seat with a sigh, waiting to turn on the ignition. "You know you'd make a great mom..." he started. No luck.

"Oh my God, I am not having this conversation."

Elliot knew he was walking into the lion's den now, but this was his best friend. He at least owed her an attempt at rectifying his earlier blunders. "You're great with kids," he said.

"Yeah, I know." She licked her lips angrily, looking out the window. He started the engine.

"I mean... have you and Alex... thought about it – starting a family. Anyway you want to do it, I'll support you." Olivia turned to look at her partner, only to be met with a look of pure honesty and concern. She realized he was extending an olive branch.

She sighed, sinking into the seat. "Just drive," she said, getting lost in her thoughts. Elliot had just about accepted his partner's return to the silent treatment when she spoke up. "I have... you know, thought about it... been thinking about it."

"Yeah?" Elliot asked with a small smile, "Liv, that's great."

"I don't know, El. I mean, Alex and I talked about it once. A while ago. She knows I've always wanted kids, but in a very, I don't know, abstract sense. And now she seems kind of distant about it. I don't know if it's work or what... I wouldn't want her to feel forced into anything..."

"Just talk about it with her, Liv. I mean, this is Alex we're referring to. She loves you to death. But on the same token, I think she's the last person in the world who would feel guilted into anything she didn't actually want to do."

For the first time that day, Olivia smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right... th...thanks El."

He returned the grin, patting her shoulder. "Don't mention it, partner." For a couple minutes they drove along wordlessly before Elliot broke the silence. "Hey Liv."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sure Mo and Kathleen would love to babysit."

~*~*Page Break~*~*

Gone. Everything was just gone for him. Olivia frowned as she gazed through the double-sided mirror at Scott Ryland, who in his grief had shot the man responsible for stealing and consequently killing his wife's frozen eggs. Now the eggs were gone. And she was gone. There was nothing left for them.

She heard Cragen approaching. "Cut and dry case. He confessed. Defense will probably argue extreme emotional distress, but that'll be the DA's problem. Head home, Liv. It's late."

Olivia sighed and grabbed her coat, heading out of the precinct. When she arrived home the apartment was dark. Made sense; it was around 3 a.m. She slipped off her shoes by the door to avoid waking Alex by stomping around and headed down the hall to their bedroom. Quickly changing out of her clothes and into an old t-shirt, she quietly headed towards the bed. What she saw made her smile. Alex had fallen asleep with her glasses on, book in hand. Clearly she had been trying to stay awake for the brunette. She was also wearing Olivia's worn NYPD tee. The detective had found out early on when they were dating that wearing the shirt comforted the blonde when she was away. Smells like you. Olivia carefully removed the book from Alex's hands and took her glasses off, placing them both on the bedside table. Sensing the blonde was already deeply asleep, she leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before moving to slide underneath the covers.

And then Olivia tried to sleep. Tried.

~*~*Page Break~*~*

She must have dozed off at some point in the early morning because Olivia was awoken by the smell of coffee and the sounds of rustling around the kitchen. A couple of minutes later, Alex appeared in the doorway, two mugs in hand. Olivia smiled appreciatively, also taking a moment to eye the smooth expanse of Alex's legs that remained uncovered by the detective's short tee. Alex placed both mugs on the bedside table and climbed back into bed, cuddling up against the detective. "Good morning," she said with a kiss.

"Mmm, 'morning."

"You got in late last night."

"Yeah."

"I missed you."

Olivia smiled softly before moving to hover over the blonde. She dragged her lips along Alex's collarbone before meeting her mouth with several languid kisses. After a few minutes, she nuzzled against the attorney's neck and whispered, "Let's have a baby."

Alex stiffened abruptly, unsure of if she had heard the detective correctly. "What?"

Olivia pulled her head up and looked into Alex's deep blue eyes. "Let's have a baby."

Alex's face was unreadable, but her eyes were stormy with emotion. She pulled herself away from Olivia's embrace to sit up. "Where is this coming from," she asked sharply.

Olivia's face wrinkled in confusion. "Lex, I thought- I mean. I want to start a family with you." Alex was silent. She was looking at Olivia but her gaze seemed to move past her, focusing on something else. Olivia cleared her throat, sitting up a bit. "This case got me thinking, you know. It's..."

Alex interrupted her. "So this is all some impulse off of a case."

Now Olivia was getting irritated. "What? Alex, you know that is not true. This case just made me... think. Life can be short. I don't want to wait..."

"So what," Alex retorted, pressing her lips into a sharp line, "This is all just some desperate need to..." She paused for the briefest second before continuing, not considering the weight of her next comment, "to ensure a legacy. Continue the genetic line..."

A look of pure pain shot across Olivia's face. She felt the wind leave her chest at those words. Alex, suddenly realizing what she had said in the heat of the moment, stuttered to speak. Olivia held up her hand. "You know. You more than anyone knows this has nothing to fucking do with genetics. You fucking know it, Alex," she spat, glare piercing Alex's gaze. Olivia looked away, quiet for a few moments. Her stiff body softened. Defeated. "Look, it was stupid. I shouldn't have brought it up," she said, standing from the bed.

"Liv-" Alex began quietly, an undeniable sadness characterizing her features.

Olivia had reached their bedroom door. She turned around to face Alex once more and interrupted, "Um, El and Kathy said they wanted us to come around 2. I'm...um going to go get a cake or something to bring them."

And with that she left.

~*~*Page Break~*~*

Later, getting ready was silent. Olivia skilfully avoided Alex, in spite of them sharing a relatively small apartment. The car ride was equally mute. From the moment they arrived at the Stablers, the uncomfortable distance between the couple was palpable, and Elliot knew that something was wrong between his partner and her wife. He and Olivia were at the grill while Alex helped Kathy in the kitchen. "So," he began carefully, "what's going on between you and Alex?"

"Nothing," Olivia said shortly, eyes focused on scraping a bit of charred remnants off of the grill.

Elliot sighed. "Come on Liv. You could cut the tension with a knife. What is it?"

"Don't want to talk about it," Olivia responded, continuing to direct her attention away from the line of questioning.

Elliot pondered his next move. "Is it... bedroom problems?"

Olivia froze. She grabbed a pair of tongs and picked up a well-done hotdog. "El. If you do not want your dick to look like this in about five seconds, shut up."

Elliot nodded and went back to placing some cheese on the burgers.

Thankfully, about five minutes later, Kathy called out to the kids that it was time to eat. Everyone headed over to the table. While Olivia sat next to Alex, not wanting to call anymore attention to what was already the remnants of dispute, she kept a clear bodily distance. Noticing the awkwardness, Kathy attempted to start conversation beyond Dickie's ramblings about the latest video game. "So Maureen has been getting ready to apply to medical schools," she said, smiling over at her eldest. "Isn't that crazy?"

Olivia smiled. "Yeah I remember when you were still playing with a toy doctor set. As one of your first patients, I'd like to take some credit," she said with a chuckle.

"Do you know where you are applying yet?" Alex asked.

"Yep," Maureen replied, "Starting to narrow things down. I like Columbia, Johns Hopkins, Mount Sinai. I take the MCATs soon and then start applying in the fall."

"Much to my wallet's dismay," Elliot added.

"Ugh, definitely a stressful process," included Alex, "I was ridiculously stressed when I applied to law school. It's slightly easier having had the experience of undergraduate applications, but certainly not fun at all. I'd recommend getting a head start on those applications as soon as you can."

"Oh, believe me, she's already started some mock essays, my little over-achiever," Kathy said with a chuckle, leaning over to pinch Maureen's cheek. "If you'll excuse me for a moment," Kathy began, trying to slide behind several family members to head towards the house, "I'm going to use the restroom." Suddenly, a piercing cry transmitted over the baby monitor. "...or not. He's probably hungry," she said.

"I can get him," Olivia offered.

"Ahh, thanks Liv," Kathy replied with a relieved smile, rushing off to the bathroom. "Four pregnancies does a number on your bladder. He has a bottle in the fridge if you want to grab that. I'll feed him when I get back." Alex watched Olivia follow her into the house and head upstairs to Eli's nursery. The brunette returned a couple of minutes later, a still whimpering baby in her arms. She sat back down and and adeptly began to feed Eli his bottle, making sure to check the temperature and that there were no air bubbles. Though the conversation picked back up, Alex's attention was quietly fixed on her wife and the natural ease with which she handled the baby. She watched as Olivia carefully burped him, gently bouncing him up and down, and allowed him to play with her fingers and hair. And what she already knew despite hesitations once more hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Mommy! Daddy! Are we going to the egg hunt now," Dickie and Lizzie asked excitedly, interrupting her thoughts.

"Yep guys!," El responded to his eager twins, "Let's just bring the last of this food in and then we'll grab our baskets and go."

"I'm just going to go to the restroom first," Alex said. Olivia noticed that her eyes were glistening slightly, as she slipped from the table and into the house.

Elliot must have noticed to. "You going to go check on her?"

After a moment of contemplation, Olivia shook her head.

~*~*Page Break~*~*

The 18th annual Cunningham Park Easter Egg Hunt was an event filled with enthusiastic energy. Children running around eagerly to grab neon-coloured plastic eggs, parents chasing them just as quickly in hopes of slowing down the impending sugar rush. There was laughing. There were tears. Most of all, there was just noise. Which was why Alex was somewhat surprised when she managed to find Olivia sitting down on a park bench in a semi-peaceful location, looking out at the duck pond. She walked over and a sat on the opposite side of the small bench.

In an attempt to break the silence, she held up a paper lunch bag. "The twins have supplied be with a year's supply of chocolate. Apparently Kathy sets limits. You should of seen their faces when they had to hand it over though," she said with a forced laugh. Olivia gave a slight smile and nodded, her head never turning towards the blonde. It was quiet for several moments. Alex looked down the dirt pathway that surrounded the water. Yards away she saw a little boy – no older than two or three – and his father, feeding ducks with his mom. "I used to do that every Sunday after church with my dad," Alex said quietly but wistfully. "He was always off from court so that used to be our way of bonding since... well, I must have been that age. Most of the time though, I was with my mom. Well, nannies really..."

Olivia turned to face the blonde, who now herself was gazing out at the water. "I am so sorry, Liv. What I said before. I did not for a second mean it that way. It's just..." She turned to face the detective. "...I'm scared."

"Alex-" Olivia started.

Alex softly held up her hand, stopping her. "I'm terrified. And I shouldn't be because you... you are meant to be a mother, Olivia. Watching you with kids... it's just beautiful. But me. My own upbringing was frigid and cold, and I cannot trust myself to not be the same way with our child." Alex looked down quickly, and Olivia heard her stifle a small sob. She slid down the bench and took the blonde's hand in hers, earning a small look of surprise.

"Alex, if your theory holds. If the way we're raised dictates the way we parent, then that will make me an alcoholic. An abusive alcoholic..."

Alex stiffened, quickly looking up at her wife, scared she would misinterpret what she meant, "Olivia, I don't..."

Olivia stopped her, shaking her head, "No, I know you don't think that. And that's my point. It took me years... most of my life, to come to believe that I am not my mother..." She paused, her own deep brown eyes glistening as she looked at Alex. "... my father. I used to look in the mirror and just see pain and anger and I knew that I could never subject a child to that... And then I met you." At this, Alex began to lose the resolve she was trying so hard to maintain. "Being with you, Lex, it's taught me that I am not what they said I would turn out to be. And that I'm worth more than that too. And it's made me want things I never thought I could have..." She turned so she was fully facing Alex and reached up to brush away a tear that had fallen from her blue eyes. "I love you, Alex, and I trust you more than anyone." Seeing Alex's body start to shake, she pulled the blonde into a tight embrace, a comfort to each another as they cried.

After several minutes, she felt Alex's breath against her ear, sputtering as her sobs settled. "Please..." the blonde whispered, "Let's start a family."