04. Silence
I stared at the bottle of pills sitting on the table beside my bed. Michael said I should take them for depression but I wasn't sure. I think doctors always give you medicine because they don't know what else to do. Even if I took those pills, I would still be sad. They aren't going to erase the pain. Sometimes I wish I could just lose my memory again. I wouldn't know what I was missing. Tears slipped from my eyes as the knock on the door nearly startled me into fear.
"What are you doing here Bo," I asked? He didn't wait for an invitation as he entered the room… but I sensed his hesitation. Neither one of us knew where we stood anymore.
"I want to help you okay? I know that you don't trust me and maybe I can accept that but…You shouldn't be alone," he said.
"Are you worried I'll try to hurt myself again," I asked? I knew the answer because I could read his face like a book but I needed to hear him say it.
"I'm worried period," he said. I could tell that he was sincere but I didn't know what he wanted from me. There was nothing I could do to reassure either of us.
"I can't tell you not to be. I'm worried about me too," I ended up saying.
"How can I help you get better," he asked?
"You can't. To be honest, I'm not even sure what I can do."
He reached out his hand to me and, surprising us both, I took it. There was nothing but empty silence in the air as our eyes met. It made me want to scream. I could hear the voices in my head fighting for control and I didn't know which one was real. I couldn't even be sure that he was real.
"It's okay to need someone you know," he said. He was wrong about that. Needing him is what almost killed me.
I had to blink back the blinding tears as I looked at him. I could see him the way he looked on our wedding day. He was telling me how much he loved me. But that was in another lifetime wasn't it? I wasn't walking down the aisle about to marry him…
"What's happening to me," I cried? "I don't even know what is real anymore."
I don't know if he could tell that I was lost between two worlds…but I could tell that he was scared. He called for a doctor as I tried to clear my mind of the conflicting images in my head. I was vaguely aware of his voice telling me it would be all right but nothing else seemed to register. In that moment, all that registered was terror.