Note: I changed the Cullen's current area of residence to Anchorage because someone brought to my attention that Yukon is not in Alaska…
Woops. My bad. I hate geography…
Life ceased to hold the same splendor without Isabella. The years of my life when I had her seemed the only time that I actually lived. With Bella by my side, the world seemed right. Her beauty brought out the best in life. When I had her, I noticed things like the birds in the trees and the way the dew smelled on the grass at sunrise. I noticed the texture of the wind and I took time to appreciate the sound of the ripples expanding across the waters surface.
When I lost her, it was as if the world turned grey. I didn't notice the birds or the flowers. I didn't hear or witness the subtle joys of the world around me because none of it mattered. It all seemed so dull without Bella to compliment its beauty.
Not even the blood from the mountain lion I had just killed tasted the same. I couldn't appreciate it while Bella was settled in the back of my mind. How could anything hold any kind of enjoyment for me when I knew that Bella was miles away in a hospital bed. How could I take pleasure in any activity when the thought that Bella might never wake up was nagging constantly at the fringe of my every thought.
Until recently, I looked forward to hunting. It was an escape from the self-imposed imprisonment to my own bedroom. But now… when the alternative was watching over Bella - monitoring the steady rise and fall of her chest and listening the slow beating of her heart, hunting had become more of an imposition than a pleasure. An obligation set for myself to prevent any more harm from befalling her than had already.
I uprooted a tree to cover the carcass of my third mountain lion before taking off back towards the road. I found my car parked where I left it, in a clearing just south of the interstate. I aimed the Volvo in the direction of the Valley Hospital and pressed my foot on the gas.
I rarely noted my surroundings when I was driving, and I never paid heed to the speed limit. It didn't surprise me when the lights from the cop car flashed in my rear view mirror. I rolled my eyes and pulled over to the side of the road to wait. I wasn't in the mood to get in a car chase at the present moment, and the last time that had happened, the police officer had lost control of his car and ended up being one of Carlisle's patients… Esme had forbid me from such further activities… which was a shame, really. It had been exhilarating - that is, for someone who couldn't produce adrenalin.
I had been pulled over plenty of times in my life. It was no mystery why none of those instances found me with Alice as a passenger. No one ever got pulled over when Alice was in the car. When Alice said slow down, you obeyed. This was one experience that Alice had never had. I, however, was near an expert at interacting with figures of the law. If I donned a police uniform and got my hands on a cop car, I could probably pull a pretty convincing speeding ticket act. I could predict the words that the police officer would say even without the talent of mind reading.
As luck would have it, the officer that approached my car now was a female.
"May I have your license and regist-" I was a step ahead of her, though. I had already had the proper documentation ready to give to her and I handed it out the window before she could complete her directions.
She accepted the papers and license through the window as she cleared her throat and continued. "Do you know why I pulled you over today Mister… Cullen." She asked, peeking at the name on the documents discreetly as she addressed me.
"I'm assuming that I got carried away with my thoughts and lost track of the speedometer. My sincerest apologies officer, I should have been paying more attention." I spoke as sweetly and genuinely as I could and I remembered how Bella mentioned the effect it had on her when I looked up through my eyelashes, though I didn't know if I could do it on cue; I tried.
The officer seemed momentarily stunned and gaped at me slightly before regaining her composure and continuing.
"Do you know how fast you were going just then, Mr. Cullen?"
I shook my head slowly, maintaining eye contact with her the entire time.
"I clocked you at 105 mph in a 55 mph zone. Do you know how much you were speeding?"
I faked a wince and smiled sheepishly at her as I replied, "Fifty miles per hour over the suggested speed?"
"Its not a suggestive speed, Mister Cullen, it's a speed limit. Do you need me to define the word limit for you?"
"No, officer…" I peeked at her badge in an obvious manner and threw as much honest politeness into my tone as I could as I continued- " Officer Johnson. I am aware of the meaning of the word, but I appreciate your thoroughness."
"Stay right here, I'll be back with your registration in one moment."
Very well spoken for such a young boy… maybe I could let him off with a warning. No one has to know. As long as there are no prior offenses or warrants of course…
But I knew there were no warrants or records of previous offenses. I had been pulled over 18 times in all of my existence, and not a single time had I driven away with a ticket.
Time dragged by slowly as she ran my license and registration through her computer system. I tapped my fingers impatiently on the steering wheel, anxious to get back to Bella. When she finally returned, she cleared her throat and leaned forward to get closer to my window.
"Well, you seem to have a pretty clean record, so I'm going to be extremely generous and let you off with a warning this time. No more speeding, Mr. Cullen. I don't want to pull you over again, alright?"
That's not entirely true. I wouldn't mind seeing his face agai… that's terrible. I shouldn't be thinking like that… he's over 20 years younger than me…
"Yes ma'am. Thank you."
I accepted the documents from her outstretched hands and waited until she was back in her police car and driving away in the opposite direction before I pulled out and sped off in the direction of the hospital, again paying no attention to the speed limit.
I parked several blocks away from the hospital. My car stayed parked for days at a time lately, and if I parked it out of the way there was less of a chance it would get towed. I walked at a human pace towards the hospital, kicking a stone along the way and denying the many other occupants of the sidewalk any eye contact.
I noticed that Esme's vehicle was parked in the visitors parking lot. Alice had mentioned that she would be visiting… Sure enough, I entered the room to find Carlisle leaning against the register watching Esme as she held Bella's lifeless hand in hers. She looked up as I approached, trying to wipe the hurt from her features and her mind.
"Edward." She breathed. "How was hunting?"
"Fine." I shrugged. I decided not to mention my run in with the law, it wasn't worth it to worry her if she didn't need to be. "How's Bella?"
Stupid question. How else could Bella be? She was obviously not awake… therefore no change could be noted. As I asked it, however, the atmosphere in the room changed. Carlisle and Esme exchanged glances and Carlisle advanced towards me, his thoughts blocked and fuzzy.
"Carlisle, wha-?" I frowned as he lead me out into the hallway by a firm grip on my shoulder.
"Edward… it's been a month." He pointed out. "Things don't look good."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I snarled at him.
"She's in a coma, Edward… and when it progresses past the month mark… the chance of her coming out of it lessens indefinitely…"
"Carlisle, I know that. Why are you telling me this. I know!" I snapped.
He hesitated for a moment, his eyes filling up with remorse before he continued, "I just want to make sure that you are aware of what we are facing here. And there is only so much I can do at this point to keep her life sustained…"
"She'll come out of it, Carlisle. She will. She's a fighter. She will…" I could hear the madness in my voice as I clung to the hope in my words. "She has to.." I whispered.
He embraced me again, as he had years ago. The setting was different, but the hug was the same. He knew I had to let her go now… even if I wasn't ready.
"No." I shrugged out of his embrace and stepped away. "She will." I repeated, staring at him for a moment more before I turned and walked back in to the room.
Esme gave Bella's hand a final squeeze and then crossed over to stand in front of me. She squeezed my shoulder once and kissed me lightly on the forehead before excusing herself to go have coffee in the cafeteria with Carlisle.
I sat back down in my usual seat, running my fingers through my disheveled hair and clenching my fists. Now Carlisle thought she was going to be in a coma forever? I needed more people to share my hopes with… not just Charlotte the nurse.
I looked back up at Bella and my dead heart seemed to sigh with effort. Out of all of the self remorse I had ever felt, this was near the worst of it. She didn't deserve the odds that were against her. She didn't deserve any of this. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to move on and get married and meet someone who could take care of her without endangering her life.
Without realizing it, I was across the room again. I extended my hand slowly toward her face before cautiously brushing my thumb against the faded flush of her cheeks. As soon as the contact was made, I withdrew my hand in surprise. There might have been a lack of adrenaline running through her veins, but there was certainly not a lack of electricity. Just as the first time we had touched, the contact drew a dull shock of electrical current through her skin to mine. I felt the gasp whoosh out of me as I stared in wonder at my still tingling thumb. A second gasp mirrored the first as I looked down to see Bella's big brown eyes blinking at me in deep confusion.
"Bella!" I whispered… my hand covering my mouth in shock as I blinked furiously to determine whether her animation was a figment of my imagination or a truth of reality.
She frowned, looking around her at her strange surroundings before looking back at me. She did this several times, trying desperately to make sense of what she was seeing before finally reacting vocally…
"What the hell?"
A short raspy laugh slipped out of my mouth at her words. It was so predictable for Bella to be as unpredictable as she still was. Here she was in a hospital with her ex boyfriend who she never expected to see again right in front of her and her first speech was profanity.
She moved, trying to prop herself into a sitting position with one arm, but fell back down as the movement made her lightheaded.
"Here," I offered. "I'll adjust the bed."
I pressed the button and watched impatiently as the bed raised Bella into a sitting position. Her eyes never left mine, even after the bed shuddered to a halt. She stared at me with an unreadable expression on her face. If I were to have seen my own expression at that time, I'm sure it would have been covered in an unmistakably happy grin, which was no doubt adding to her confusion.
Finally, I had to ask.
"What are you thinking?" I said softly, wanting to procure more time alone with her before the nurses found the miracle of her coherency and shooed me away to ask her the questions that I wanted to ask her first.
"I'm dead." She said decisively.
"What?" I choked in a half-laughing, half-surprised tone.
"I'm dead, right? I died. You're not real. You can't be real… And I'm dead. I must have done something right in my life though to deserve this as a-" She stopped and her confused gaze turned into a forced glare as I tried to control my fit of laughter.
"What is so funny about this?" She snapped.
"Bella, sweetheart, you're not dead."
"Oh… sweetheart? Hah! I'm definitely dead. There's no way that you could be here calling me… I mean, if I'm not dead then how come…" She trailed off again as she gestured to me before ending her confusing string of statements with "My head hurts."
I laughed softly again before responding - "Well you just made an unexpected recovery from a coma, Bella. You're entitled to be a little bit famished."
"I can't be tired, though. I'm dead. And…if I go to sleep, will you disappear when I wake up?"
"You aren't dead, Bella. Do you want me to disappear?" I asked quietly.
She considered that for a moment, biting her lip.
"No. I want to ask you some things… if I'm not dead then its going to take some convincing."
"Well, I want to ask you some things too."
"Okay. Me first." Her expression was unreadable again. "Why are you… wait, did you say I was in a coma?"
"Yes, Bella. You've been in a coma for the past month. You were sent to the hospital as one of Carlisle's patients when someone found you on the side of the road. You almost didn't make it… Can you tell me what happened to you?"
She frowned, finally tearing her eyes away from my own and looking down at the cast on her leg that was scheduled to be removed tomorrow. I watched as her features shifted to accommodate a wide variety of emotions. First was confusion, then concentration. Following that was the distinct expression of horror and realization as she clearly remembered what had happened to her, and then a misplaced determination as she met my eyes again and whispered "I don't remember."
"Yes you do, Bella." I refuted.
"Please don't make me…" She whispered, her pleading tone buckling my offensive strategy and rendering me entirely submissive.
"Okay, Bella. You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to…"
"Why are you here?" She said after another moment of hesitation.
"I… because I care about you, Bella." I said honestly. A million new emotions flashed across her face before she finally came to rest on an expression of disbelief. I could tell it was going to take some time to reconvince her of my affections.
She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted as Carlisle walked back into the room, closely followed by Alice, Emmett, and Esme.
"Bella!" Alice squealed, scurrying to the other side of the bed and wrapping Bella in a gentle hug.
"Alice?" Bella said, confused again. "What are you all…" She trailed off as Emmett embraced her awkwardly followed by Esme.
"I've been trying to see when you would wake up ever since we visited, but I couldn't see it before it happened… just as it was happening. As soon as I saw, though, I grabbed Emmett and we rushed over here. We found Carlisle and Esme just as we were getting in the elevators so I told them too and here we are!"
Carlisle didn't greet Bella right away. Instead, he crossed to the side of the bed in which I had been standing and placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, directing thoughts of apology and regret towards me. I shrugged off his apology and returned his gesture with a clap on the back to signify my thanks in some way.
"Oh, Bella! I can't believe you're awake!" Alice squealed in her sing-song voice, grabbing Bella's hand and squeezing it to depict her excitement a little more.
Bella seemed genuinely appreciative for the family's enthusiasm, but she still was confused and obviously fatigued, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Carlisle.
"Alice, Bella is probably really tired. It would probably be best to save this reunion for a time when she is more up for it." Carlisle suggested.
Alice sighed and threw a look of mild contempt towards him before agreeing and promising Bella she would visit as soon as she could. Emmett and Esme said their goodbyes too, also promising future visits before they exited.
Though Alice claimed they were leaving, a look into her mind proved that she entertained no intentions of leaving this hospital. She was set to make the waiting room her new home until she was permitted back in. Poor Emmett had no idea what he was in for.
Bella said her weak goodbyes to the departing family members before turning back to face Carlisle and myself.
"I know you are probably very tired, Bella, but before you sleep… can you please tell me what happened to you?" Carlisle urged gently.
"I… can't remember." She murmured, throwing me a quick warning glance before turning her gaze on the simple woven patterns upon the hospital blankets.
Carlisle's thoughts were as disbelieving as mine had been, but he submitted and excused himself, warning me out loud that Bella needed her sleep and that he would tell the nurses to refrain from their afternoon scheduling with Bella. I nodded and prepared myself to say goodbye to her.
"Alright… then." I started. "I guess you should get some rest…"
"No, don't go, please.." She said quietly.
"Oh… I can stay if you want me to.."
"Yes. I would like that." She nodded. "At least for a little bit."
I nodded back and sat down at the foot of her bed again, not knowing how to behave around her anymore. Now that she was coherent, I couldn't stare at her for hours without her feeling uncomfortable and I couldn't repeat how much I loved her and how sorry I was multiple times because this was yet uncharted territory. The last interaction Bella had had with me was when I was telling her that I didn't love her and didn't want her. I doubted that now, after so much time had passed, she would accept the truth as anything but a falsity. I needed to regain her trust… and I knew that would take time.
She stared at me with soft, unblinking eyes for a long moment before she finally spoke.
"How have you been?" She started conversationally.
Terrible. Awful. I think about you constantly. I miss you. I need you. "Fine."
She nodded a little and glanced out the window at the darkening sky as she continued. "That's good."
"What about you… how have you been?" I replied, knowing full well the answer whether she would admit it or not.
She couldn't hide the sudden grimace that crossed her face fast enough. I caught it. That second of grief on her face completely negated her assurance to me that she was doing "Alright."
I didn't want to ask her about Charlie and Renee. I wasn't sure if it was a topic that should be brought up. I struggled to come up with another more appropriate topic of conversation when she added a side note as she casually stared out the window.
"I'm engaged."
My heart plummeted straight into my stomach as I blinked furiously at her.
"You're… engaged?" I stammered lamely.
She nodded slowly, meeting my gaze for a split second before turning back to the window.
"Oh." No. Please no… My breathing began to speed and I felt myself slowly disconnecting from the world.
This is what I wanted. I reminded myself. This is what I wanted for her when I left.
"Where is he?" I realized aloud.
"He's…" she averted her eyes quickly and tried to hide her uncomfortable expression.. "Away on business. Unreachable."
"Ah." I said, "Where do you live? We'll need to know where to take you when you're released."
"Oh… um.. We don't have a house. That's what I was doing in Alaska, anyways. I got accepted to the University of Alaska, and I was looking for a home for us…"
"I see." I nodded glumly, ignoring the low degree of believability that her words emanated and focused on a way to excuse myself. "Well, we'll figure out something for you." I assured her. "But let us worry about that. Right now, you need to get some rest."
"Oh. Okay." She said glumly. "Will you be back tomorrow?"
"Do you want me to come back tomorrow?"
"Please."
"Alright, then." I couldn't understand why she would want to see me again tomorrow after everything. After I left her… and ruined her life. And why would she want to be near me when she was engaged to someone else?
I left her, then. Not looking back towards the door as I hurriedly walked down the hallway and punched the elevator button.
As luck was against me already, it would only be expected that the waiting room would be positioned across from the elevators.
"How is she?" Alice demanded, skipping across the hall to greet me as the elevator doors slid open to admit me. I stepped inside and punched the floor level button and as the doors slid closed I told her exactly how Bella was summed up in one word that left her jaw unhinged and her eyes filled with denial.
"Engaged."