It's funny how human nature works. No matter what happens to you, whatever great tragedy or loss might befall you, in the end you move on. It's not like you really have any choice in the matter of course. What other option is there? You either get on with your life or you lie down and give up. And I was never one for giving up!

I stood on that bridge for a long time after Craig disappeared from view. I watched the sunlight as it danced on the surface of the water, sparkling and alive, just like Craig's eyes had once been, just like they should be. I watched the leaves on the trees sway gently as the cool air passed through them, reaching up to touch their smoothness, remembering the smooth touch of Craig's skin. I knew that there would always be things in the world that would make me think of him, make me miss him, but I didn't mind that. I never want to be able to forget that kind of love. I never want to be without the memories of him. I never want to stop missing him.

After watching Craig walk away that afternoon I returned home, to my family home that is, and I spent a few days letting my mother fuss over me. It was a comfort to have her there. To have her understanding and her sympathy and to know I would never have her judgement.

But in the end I had to move on. I had to pick myself up and carry on with my life.

I didn't shed a tear when Craig left me that day, or any day after when I thought back on it. Not because I didn't care, but I had cried over him so often I don't think I had any tears left to shed.

---

Four weeks after saying goodbye to Craig on that bridge I found myself getting that old battered shoebox out of the wardrobe again. I smiled at the sight of those soft brown eyes; so much brighter and more alive than the last time I saw them. I didn't feel the same pain looking at his picture, or the same loss. Instead I felt the joy of having known, of him having loved him and of having been able to share my life with him, albeit for the briefest of times.

I lifted the watch from the bottom of the box and held it tightly in my hand, I could almost hear the echo of Craig's words the day he gave it to me, "I think the watch says it all." And it really did. "Love Always." I might never see Craig Dean again for the rest of my life, but until the day I died I would know that he was out there somewhere in the world and that he loved me. I would always know that Craig Dean loved me and somehow that seemed enough.

I wound the watch and set the time before strapping it to my wrist. The weight of it felt comforting and having that part of Craig with me everyday stopped being a painful reminder and became a beautiful memory.

I knew that I would never get over Craig. I had tried and failed for five years before he contacted me again. But I had accepted that I didn't need to get over him. Loving Craig Dean was going to be a part of my life forever, whatever else might happen he would always occupy a special place in my heart and I was more than happy to have him there.

---

"Oy McQueen!"

I looked across the bar in the direction of the shouting voice and smiled as I saw my workmate standing there with a pint raised in his hand. "Happy birthday," he called and I raised my own glass in thanks.

The bar had been my local since I first moved into my flat after leaving Hollyoaks and it seemed natural that I would celebrate my 25th birthday there, surrounded by the people that had become an important part of my life.

Taking a quick glimpse at my watch to check the time I thought of the one person who wasn't there, who hadn't been around for the past two years and, as I always did when I looked at that watch, I wondered where he was and how he was doing.

A hand on my shoulder quickly brought me out of my reverie as another pint was placed on the bar before me. Thanking the friend who had bought me the drink I turned my attention to the people around me. Over the years I had built up a small circle of friends and I treasured each one of them. Without realising it they had provided me with the strength and the distraction to carry on with my life without Craig and I knew I would never be able to thank them for that.

"Hey John Paul," the landlord said from behind the bar. I turned to him with a grin. He was a jovial man in his mid-fifties, with thinning grey hair and deep brown eyes that twinkled mischievously whenever he smiled. I didn't know anyone who had ever managed to dislike the man and I considered him a good friend.

"What's up Steve?" I asked him as I emptied one of the pints that were lined up for me on the bar.

"Here." Steve handed me an envelope before walking away to serve another customer.

I was surprised to receive a card from the landlord of the bar but as I turned the envelope over in my hands I recognised the handwriting that had inscribed my name.

I tore open the envelope and pulled the card from its paper covering. I hardly paid any attention to the decoration on the front as I flipped it open to see the writing inside.

"To John Paul

Happy Birthday

Love Always

Craig

x"

My breath caught in my chest. Two years ago Craig Dean had told me that he loved me before walking away and I had never heard from him since. So how was it that a birthday card from him had ended up in Steve's hands?

"Hey Steve," I called across the bar to get the older man's attention, "Where did you get this from?"

"Young fella," Steve explained nodding to the other side of the room, "He was just over there... asked me to pass it to you."

I looked to where he indicated but the area was empty.

"He must have gone," Steve said with a shrug, returning to his work.

"Craig was here?" I whispered under my breath. "I'll be right back," I told a friend beside me before heading for the door.

The air outside was cool and my breath misted before me. I spotted him immediately, standing across the road looking back at me. He looked amazing. His skin glowed richly under the streetlight and his hair glistened with a deep lustre. But most amazing of all were his eyes. They sparkled with a deep inner light that made me want to weep. He looked so much like the young boy I once knew, but he looked so much more as well.

I crossed the road slowly, approaching him with a nervous anticipation until I was stood close enough to touch him. But I didn't touch him.

We stood in silence simply taking in the presence of each other until I felt sure I must have been dreaming.

"Craig…" His name fell from my lips in a gasp of awe.

"Happy birthday John Paul," he said smiling at me and then it was. A very happy birthday.

I looked at him for an eternity. Taking in every inch of him, memorising him in the fear that this could all be just a fleeting visit.

"You're back then?" I very nearly smacked myself for that comment, of course he was back, he was standing right in front of me. Thankfully Craig just smiled.

"Yeah I'm back…"

"You living back home or…"

"Nah… been staying with Debbie."

"Debbie? In London?" God I wanted to touch him so badly. I felt like a nervous teenager making idle chitchat in the hope that eventually a kiss would follow.

"Yeah, for now."

I frowned.

"So how come you're in Chester tonight?"

Craig took a step forward and I could smell the rich scent of his aftershave.

"I came to drop off your birthday card!"

"How did you know I'd be at this pub?"

"You mentioned it once," Craig said with a grin, "When we met for a drink that time… you told me the name… said you were a regular… I figured even if you weren't here tonight they'd still pass the card on to you."

I couldn't believe what Craig was telling me. Had he really travelled down from London just to deliver a birthday card for me?

"But you didn't stay…" I gestured towards the pub as I spoke.

"I didn't want to intrude," he said with a shrug, "I didn't know if you were… with anyone."

"I'm not," I blurted out, "I mean I am… but friends… just friends… no one…"

He smiled and I smiled. We both knew what we meant even if we were having a hard time getting our words out.

"Are you gonna come in for a drink?" I asked him hopefully.

"I dunno," he said looking around him, "I've got a long drive back to London…"

"Please Craig," I said lifting my arm and finally making contact with him as my hand touched his chest, "It's my birthday… what kind of a birthday would it be without my best friend there?"

Craig smiled as he looked down to where my hand rested against him. I could feel his heart beating against my palm and I had to fight the desire to pull him against me.

Craig took hold of my hand and laughed gently as he saw what was on my wrist.

"You still wear it?" he said in surprise at the watch I now wore everyday.

"I didn't," I admitted, "Not for a long time… but then…"

"But then?"

"But then… I realised it was good to have something of you close to me…"

Craig let go of my hand and I instantly missed the warmth of his touch.

"Come on then," he said with a grin, "I'd better get the birthday boy a drink."

It seemed strange introducing Craig to my friends. I'd never really spoken about to him any of them. He'd been mine, a part of my life I wasn't prepared to share. A pain I didn't want comforting for and a loss I didn't want telling that I would get over. As I told people his name I hesitated. What did I describe him as? An old friend, an ex, the love of my life, the only man who ever made me feel complete or was he my future?

As I contemplated the question Craig took the problem away from me by shaking the hands of my friends and falling into easy banter, charming each of them with a skill I had always envied.

Craig's one drink soon turned into two and then three and then more as the evening wore on and we both knew, without discussion, that he would never be able to drive back to London now.

I sat facing Craig at a corner table as the bustle of the bar continued around us. My hand rested on the cool wooden table top just inches from his but I couldn't quite breach that distance, I still didn't know if that was what he wanted, if it was what he came back for.

I wanted to know everything that he had done since I last saw him, everywhere that he had been, and I asked him incessant questions. But the one question I really wanted to ask I kept to myself.

"So tell me," I insisted as I drank slowly on my pint.

"What?"

"Everything… where did you go?"

"Where didn't I?" Craig replied with a laugh. I'd missed that laugh, it sounded so alive and it felt good to hear. "I just travelled," Craig continued, "I didn't really stay anywhere for long… picking up jobs along the way… I don't know… I just… I just spent time being me."

"It obviously agreed with you," I said looking into the richness of his beautiful eyes, "You look amazing."

I think I blushed as I said that, I had never meant to say it but Craig didn't seem to notice, or at least he never commented on it.

"You don't look too bad yourself," he laughed, "You look as good as you always did."

Craig looked at me as he took a deep drink, his eyes never falling from mine.

"There was this one time…" Craig began and then hesitated seeming unsure that he should continue.

"Go on," I insisted.

"Well it's just… well there was this girl I met one time, about six months ago…" I tried not to grimace at those words. Of course Craig would have met people, made friends, lovers, it would have been unreasonable for me to expect otherwise. "And we got on really well… she was like…" Craig's eyes seemed to glaze as he spoke, the memories filling his mind. "I don't know… anyway… there was this one time when we were sitting on a beach and it was really late, or really early, and there was just me and Kathryn, there seemed to be no one else around for miles and the beach stretched out before us, it was like it went on forever. As we sat there the sun began to rise. It was so beautiful; you know the kind of real beauty that only nature can create. It was as if the whole world was on fire and I couldn't take my eyes from it… it was breathtaking…"

"Sounds incredible," I replied. And it did, it sounded wonderful and I envied this girl for sharing that moment with him.

"Anyway… there we were sitting on the beach watching the start of a new day and all that beauty and all I could think was how much I wanted to share it with you." As Craig's gaze returned to mine I felt as if there was no one else in the room but the two of us, his voice sounded rich and hypnotic and it was as if every word caressed my skin.

"So there I am sat beneath a gorgeous sunrise with a beautiful girl and I'm telling her all about you…"

"You told her about me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Didn't she mind… I mean wasn't she…"

Craig laughed softly. "She was just a friend John Paul… that's all… I ended up telling her everything about you… about us… that morning… right from that first day when you set the fire alarm off in the school to the moment I left you standing on that bridge. I must have talked for hours and she just let me… I told her things I'd never told anyone… about what I did, how I felt, everything… and when I finished she said…"

"What did she say Craig?"

"She said "If I ever loved anyone that much then I wouldn't let anyone keep them away from me" and that's when I knew…"

"Knew what?"

"I knew I'd be coming home for you… not right away maybe… but I knew I would and I just hoped that you'd still be here."

"I'm still here," I said gently.

"I know," he replied as his fingertips brushed lightly over mine sending fireworks rocketing through my body.

I don't know how long we simply sat like that. Looking at each other, not speaking and our fingertips bridging the distance between us. Craig's eyes seemed to be drinking me in and I felt like I was being consumed by his stare. I think I could have happily sat looking into the depths of his eyes for a hundred years and considered it time well spent.

"Listen," Craig said suddenly, tilting his head to one side as a wide grin spread across his face, "D'you remember this song?"

I listened for a second and quickly recognised a song from our youth. A song that had been a part of our wonderful summer together and had always seemed to speak directly to me.

"I remember," I said, answering his grin with one of my own, "I always felt like it was written for us… you know?"

"I think it was," Craig said as we both listened to the lyrics of a song that told of our lives.

"I can't stop this feeling I've got,
I know who I am and I know what I'm not
I know what I've gained and I know what I've lost
But I can't stop this feeling I've got."

"Dance with me."

"What?" Craig's request took me completely by surprise.

"Come on," he said getting to his feet, "Dance with me."

"Here?"

"Why not?" Craig held out his hand to me and he was right, there was no reason not to join him.

As Craig's arms slipped around me I felt the missing part of my life, of my heart, falling back into place. I rested my head on his shoulder as I held him close and we rocked gently to the music playing around us.

I can honestly say that I don't know what reactions our dancing had amongst the other customers that night. I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew was that Craig Dean was holding me again after all this time and I never wanted to let him go again.

"Ah you don't really look so easy
You spend a lifetime looking for someone
And then they come and you're just so uneasy
You get the feeling that if I don't come
Then there's one more story be on your way"

Craig's hands stroked gently at my back and his breath touched my neck with its heat. My body felt alive pressed up close against his and my heart raced with the joy it had long since forgotten.

"The sky may fall the sea may split
You may say that isn't it
I may be right you may disagree
Same old story same old me
And I don't know what you mean to me
But I'm starting to think its just a mystery
I've got to admit its just a mystery"

As the last notes of the song faded Craig's grip around my body relaxed but he didn't let go completely.

Moving back slightly he looked at me again and the look in his eyes made me want to weep. The look in his eyes made me want to sing for joy. The look in his eyes made me want to love him for the rest of my life.

"I love you John Paul," he said, lifting his hand to my face and stroking it softly.

"I love you too." It didn't need saying but I'd waited for two years for the chance to tell him again and I wasn't going to let the opportunity pass me by.

His mouth was soft against mine and as he kissed me I knew that he wasn't the only one who had come home.

I don't remember getting drunk and it certainly hadn't been my intention. But it was my birthday and Craig was home, I had more than my fair share of reasons to celebrate. Which is how I ended up leaning against my front door in the early hours of the morning giggling like an idiot completely unable to get the key into the lock.

"Let me try," Craig said trying to take the key from me.

"No, no, I can do it," I insisted before guiding the key towards its designated slot, and missing completely.

"You're pissed!" Craig accused as he slipped an arm around me to stop me from falling.

"I am," I agreed, "Get me another drink!"

"How am I supposed to do that when we can't even get through the front door?" Craig chuckled.

"Good point." I jammed the key at the lock and it still refused to slide home. "I think we're in trouble… the lock's broken!"

"Come 'ere…" Craig took the key from my hand and unlocked the door with ease.

"How did you manage that?" I asked in amazement as I stumbled through the open doorway.

"Magic," Craig told me as he followed me inside closing the door behind him.

"Wow!"

Leaning back against the wall I watched as Craig approached me. The very sight of him took my breath away and I didn't know how I'd managed to survive so long without him. It was as if someone had returned the sunlight to me and I was bathed in his warmth.

I'm sure I must have looked a mess in my drunken dishevelled state but I felt wonderful and, as Craig cupped my face and kissed me gently, I experienced a degree of happy that I didn't even have a word for.

I woke with a pounding head and a raging thirst but underneath it all was the warm feeling of contentment that I had thought I would never have again. I lay still for a while just remembering the fact that Craig was home, that Craig had come home, to me.

Meeting Craig all those years ago really had changed my life in more ways that I think I even realised at the time. Falling in love with him had given me the courage to admit who I was even if doing so had terrified me beyond belief at the time. Walking away from him had shown me how strong I could be, even if it had meant breaking my own heart. But the biggest impact Craig had on me was in showing me how to love. How to really love. Without compromise or question, even when we were apart that love had stayed with me and now he was back I was determined never to lose it again.

The pain in my temples and the dryness in my throat finally persuaded me to move and, as I tenderly raised my head from the soft pillow I was surprised to discover that I was alone.

I was naked beneath the duvet and my clothes were neatly folded on a chair across the room. I was almost certain that I hadn't managed that task on my own. Rubbing at my head memories tentatively tiptoed back into my mind, flashes of laughter and kisses and of unashamed joy.

I half recalled stumbling into my room and falling back onto the bed in fits of laughter, pulling Craig after me and telling him over and over how much I loved him, really loved him. A vivid image of Craig's smouldering eyes filled my mind as they looked at me. His gaze said that I was the only person in the world and that he adored me more that words could ever describe.

I know that I wanted Craig so badly right then, just like I know that he turned me down with a gentle laugh as the excessive alcohol consumption finally reduced me to an unconscious mass.

Craig must have put me to bed after that that much was obvious. But where did he go then?

Dragging myself from the comfort of my bed I wandered to the bathroom to consume some aspirin and drink down several tumblers full of water. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and winced. My hair stood out at several unruly angles and my eyes, normally a warm shade of blue now had a bloodshot tinge of pink about them. But despite the pain in my head and the horror in the mirror there was still a smile on my lips.

As I padded back towards my bedroom something made me pause and head instead into the living room where I found a figure bundled up under a coat on my sofa.

Tiptoeing over to the sofa I crouched down and for a moment I watched the face of a sleeping angel.

Craig's long dark eyelashes fanned out over his soft smooth cheeks and his full pink lips curved into a gentle smile as he slept.

My heart felt full at the very sight of him.

There were times before Craig when I thought that I had found love and there were times after when I tried to convince myself that I had. But looking down on Craig's sleeping face I knew that this was what love really felt like. This was the kind of love that inspired great songs and works of poetry. This was the love men fought and died to protect. And this was the love that I was lucky enough to have found, lost and then found again. This was the love I was never going to let go of.

Craig mumbled in his sleep and I couldn't resist leaning in to kiss his forehead. His eyes fluttered open as I moved back and their dark beauty enveloped me.

"Sorry," I whispered, "I didn't mean to wake you…"

"It's OK," he whispered back, "How are you feeling?"

There was something about the darkness of the room and the lateness of the hour that kept our voices hushed and low.

"Rough," I admitted, "Guess I had a few too many."

"A few," Craig agreed with a laugh.

"I thought you'd gone."

"I told you I wouldn't…"

"Did you?" It seemed there were still some of my memories absent without leave.

Craig lifted himself up on his elbow and I could see that he was still fully clothed under the coat, making me suddenly aware of my own nakedness.

"Where was I gonna go?" Craig continued, "Everything I need is right here."

"Craig why…" I hesitated for a moment but I had to know, "Why are you sleeping on the sofa?"

Craig smiled and once again the warmth of it covered my flesh. "John Paul," he said so gently as he touched my face, "I don't think we should rush things… not this time… I don't want to do anything that will ever spoil this… let's take it slow eh? Let's get to know each other again… it's been a long time."

Only Craig Dean could make not wanting to sleep with me sound so perfect and, as much as I wanted him, the reasoning behind his words rang true for me. Besides just having him with me was more than enough, the rest we could build on together and discover each other anew, as if it were the first time.

"Come to bed with me Craig…"

"John Paul!" Craig's voice rose in objection.

"No," I said, "I don't mean that… I … I don't want to sleep alone any more… not when you're here, not when you're so close… I just want you to hold me…"

Craig smiled as he pushed his makeshift covering from his body and got to his feet, raising me up after him until we were stood face to face.

As Craig looked at me I felt beautiful. I had seen the horror of the hung-over man in the mirror only minutes earlier but Craig's eyes reflected none of that image. Craig saw beyond the bloodshot eyes and crazy bed hair. Craig saw the man that loved him, just as looking at Craig, I saw the man that loved me.

Climbing back into my bed I watched as Craig folded his clothes into a neat pile on the floor and then slipped his naked body in beside me.

"Now no monkey business," Craig teased as he opened his arms to me and I rested my head against his chest.

I laughed gently and pressed my lips to his warm skin. His heart beat a gentle rhythm in my ear as his fingertips ran lightly through my hair, soothing my still pained head and relaxing my whole body.

I closed my eyes and let the warmth of Craig's arms and the tenderness of his touch lull me back into a contented sleep.

I don't know if Craig had expected me to try for more from him right then but, with vast quantities of alcohol still coursing through my veins and a headache still pulsing through my temples, having him hold me really was all that I had wanted, all that I had needed.

As I drifted towards sleep I'm sure that I heard Craig's soft voice whispering to me in the dark.

"I love you."

Of course it could have been a dream. But I knew it wasn't.