Wow, It's been a while...I could come up with some elaborate excuse as to my absence for the last half a year, but the truth is that life is my only excuse. Being a full time Makeup-artist keeps me busy enough, then you add in boyfriend, family and my darling puppy and suddenly 7 months has flown by and both of my stories have been left by the wayside (The Laws of Life even more so). Anyway, I'm back into the swing of things and the inspiration to write has struck again. Please be patient as I ease back into things, you may even see a new story if I get my head together.

Enjoy!

"When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you up." - Les Brown

Chapter four

Days bleed together when you no longer sleep.

It had been a total of one week, two days, four hours and thirty six minutes since I had been changed. I had felt every tick of the clock. Every time the chime of the old grandfather clock in the entryway lulled forward, loudly proclaiming that yet another hour had past, it was almost as if I could feel myself being physically pulled through time and into the current present second.

When you are human, moments are so different from each other. When you are bored or tired it drags you under the tide of time, achingly slow as you tap your pencil, praying to every universal entity of creation and even a few superheroes that you will give more to charity, and help the elderly lady across the street shop for groceries if your math class could just finish already...

'Time flies when you're having fun.' There was a reason why that term existed, when you were entertained or in the company of someone you were fond of, you wouldn't notice an hour or two or three zoom past you. Play-dates would seem like they were over before they began because screaming your way down a slide twenty times had your attention completely.

Though not being able to tell the time back then helped too.

"Bella dear, could you please hand me that one there?" Esme extended a slender hand in the direction of the not quite blooming red rose bush just out of her reach and to my right.

We were currently sitting on the lawn together in the side garden of her families abundant home. Mansion really. Gardening had become Esme's latest interest, Forks had very little color and I think maybe she thought adding a little color herself might make her home feel warmer. Nothing like a group of dead people to make a house feel a little chilly.

Her changing interests reminded me a bit of Renee, I felt a pang of guilt and mourning every time I thought of my child-at-heart mother. Though while my mother's interests changed like the days of the week due to her attention span being as long as Alice's 1920's pixie cut hair, Esme seemed to return back to old hobbies and was very skilled at them. Eternity is a long time, I guess you had to repeat a few things.

It also gave me something to do, and I had no doubt that she knew that. The younger Cullen's still had to attend high school, the last thing they needed was to raise suspicion of their new roommate by suddenly becoming tardy.

Alice and I had grown closer in the last week, she had found a particular fondness in dressing me up. This past weekend, she and Jasper had driven up to Seattle to purchase me some clothes, to which we spent a good five hours playing dress-ups. She said it was so Esme would stop loosing so many pieces from her collection. In my current 'newborn' predicament I had gone through two dresses, a pair of blue jeans, a pink sweatshirt, a white button down as well as the full outfit I had hunted in the first time with Alice and Edward, and a couple pairs of shoes too. But I also sensed that Alice enjoyed treating me like a life sized Barbie doll. I figured I could indulge her that at least.

I felt bad that they were spending so much money on me, I saw the tags and even though I didn't understand all of the names of the brands, the price alone made my non beating heart almost jolt back to life. They had been so generous and hospitable, I only wished I could find a way to repay them for their benevolence.

But I could only do so by finding my control as quickly as I possibly could. I was doing fairly well so far, but I hadn't had any real challenge to speak of yet. It had been three days since I had last hunted and my throat was starting to feel a little raw. I was doing pretty well, but still hadn't quite gotten the hang of not getting my clothes covered in blood. I looked like the scene from Carrie at the end of a hunt.

I tried not to snap at Emmett as he didn't even attempt to hold in his guffaws at the sight of me. So far I had succeeded.

Esme seemed to enjoy the company, and I certainly didn't like being alone all the time when they were at school. She would wander around the house tidying up, dusting, sweeping, fluffing and all while humming a melodic jumble of sound that could only be described as Snow White-like. I had taken up station in Carlisle's office, everyone had their own rooms and I didn't want to intrude on anyone's personal space but Carlisle had allowed me to stay in his office once he saw my reactions to the books inside.

"This is what I always imagined heaven would look like." Awe was evident in my voice. Carlisle and Esme were giving me a tour around the house after my first hunt was completed and I showered the evidence off of me. My jaw hit the floor when I saw the height of the bookcases, the only walls in the room that weren't covered in books were the ones that held the door and the area around the fireplace.

Rich mahogany and brown leather, the myriad of qualifications Carlisle held hung proudly on the walls. A grand fireplace sitting oddly modest in the corner of the room, a small leather sofa set in front of it.

Each had their own smell; it was beyond overwhelming. Wood and dust waiting to settle, a richness of smoke - No doubt the fireplace had implanted into the furniture. Paper was clean smelling, freshly untouched and the medical textbooks on his desk looked so light to me now as a vampire. And something else.

The smooth spiced scent of Carlisle was so imbedded in this room, like cinnamon sugar on french toast. He must have spent a lot of time in here, and I could totally see why. It was a comforting scent, he was a comforting person.

I had always loved the smell of old books and walking into this room had solidified that love. Each volume was calling me silently to hold them, to absorb the contents their pages held within them. This was my favorite room.

Carlisle laughed lightly, Esme sighed and I could feel the smile she held through it, without ever needing to turn around to confirm it. "I'm glad you like it, Bella."

Nodding toward the blonde, I finally ripping my eyes away from the spines of the books. "How do you even get anything done with all of these?" My hand swept in the direction of the walls.

"I have read them all." His smile grew fond. "Once or twice in fact." How? There would have to be at least eight hundred books in this room alone.

My curious gaze met his steady one. "How old are you?" My question was full of hesitance, I didn't know if the question was appropriate or not.

"I was born in the early sixteen forties in London."

I shouldn't have been surprised, of course, vampires didn't age. But I couldn't hide, my eyebrows shot up high. Nor could I control what I said next. "Did you ever see a Shakespeare play?"

He and his wife laughed at my outburst. "You truly love literature don't you sweetheart?" Esme giggled, her small hands now resting on her face.

I decided to be honest. "I understand it more than I understand most people." Nodding in agreement to her question.

"Well, you are more than welcome to come in here whenever you wish." Carlisle raised an arm, placing it slowly behind my back. He was still being cautious, I was still only hours old. Almost a full day at this point.

"In fact, Bella." Esme added. "Until I can find a room for you and set it up, this can be your quiet place."

Carlisle continued, their minds on the same page. "Of course. We have our own rooms to be alone and you clearly feel comfortable here." I nodded, this room was spectacular.

"But I don't want to intrude on your space." It was a running theme for me, I didn't want to be a burden.

Esme was quick to embrace me, while still keeping her space to not antagonize me. How could I be when they were so kind to me? "We want to to feel welcome, you are a part of the family now." I smiled, wishing I could believe that. I still felt like the sore thumb poking out. Maybe I would lose that feeling with time.

It had a little. I had been here just over a week and was finally starting to get into the routine they lived by, I was beginning to find my place within that.

"It's starting to look really nice." I complimented her. The mixture of flora blended beautifully together, blues and reds and yellows and pinks. Esme had an eye for colors.

She smiled at me. "Thank you, I like surrounding my home with lovely colors and smells. The spring will bring all of that."

"I can't wait, Phoenix wasn't exactly known for having lush gardens in our homes." If you walked outside my house, you'd see a patch of grass and then desert. Renee had attempted to bring life to our home using potted plants, but like all other hobbies she had possessed at the time, it died when she found something else. Then the plants followed suit, wilting as the dry heat overtook them.

Patting the final amounts of mulch into the ground, Esme stood. "Come, you can help me get more." I followed her behind the garage, lightly patting away the dirt from my jeans as I walked.

It wasn't the worst day, the sky was grey but no rain had fell yet. When the sun was out, the younger Cullen's were home. Emmett mentioned they have to tell the teachers that Carlisle and Esme like to take them hiking and camping, he said I'd know why when the sun came out.

I was told our skin changed but no one had given me any other clue as to what I had to expect, I just assumed it was too difficult to explain. But it hadn't been sunny yet in my time here, I still hadn't seen my no longer aging body change at all.

I threw the bag of mulch over my shoulder with no level of impairment, following Esme once again back to the garden. The sound of wheels turning on the road had me turning my head, my new super-hearing warned me that they were home before you could even see Edward's car coming up the long driveway.

My throat had been bothering me all day. "Maybe one of them will want to go with me hunting." I thought to myself. They still didn't like me going alone, I had followed Emmett and Jasper on their last hunt and Edward and Alice before that.

I tore an opening in the bag of mulch with a simple flick of my nail before starting with the rest of the job.

"Bella!" Alice's tinkling voice called with joy, I smiled. It made me feel good that it made her happy to see me, I had never really had a friend like that before.

I turned my head from my present job. "Hey Alice, how was school?" You didn't need to read minds or see the future to know what she was going to say.

She groaned. "A complete bore, of course." She was now standing next to were I was kneeling. "I think my Government teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but what can you do?"

I laughed "Yeah, being a bazillion year old vampire, I'm sure you've come across a few people that didn't take to you." Actually I wasn't sure, I couldn't imagine anyone not thinking Alice was like a cute younger sister...One that was way older than you, that is.

"A bazillion?" Jasper asked, moving behind his tiny mate. "Is that what the kids call people over eighty now?"

Jasper and I got on quite well now. His scars were increasingly seeming like less of a threat and more just a part of him, and he was a nice - albeit it very quiet - guy. Very easy to get along with.

I nodded. "It's standard procedure."

Alice changed the subject. "It's been a couple of days. Need to hunt?"

"Please." Was all I needed to say.

"I can go with you if you would like." Edward's voice rang out unexpectedly, he was just walking out of the garage after parking his car.

Edward had been fairly quiet since the first hunt he took me on, I think he still felt responsible. I had forgotten about it, he couldn't help the thirst but he seemed strong enough to me.

Alice nodded. "You'll both be fine, I think. I don't see any humans deciding to hike or anything."

"Go on honey, you'll feel better." Esme smiled at me. "Newborns need to hunt much more frequently than the rest of us."

Jasper took Alice's hand, leading her into the house. "Oh Bella!" Alice halted suddenly, a grin raising broadly. "The sun is going to come out soon, in one hour and sixteen minutes."

"You'll like it, I'm sure." Esme added. A sly grin molded on her regal face.

I smiled at her, getting a little excited. So I was finally going to see what Emmett was joking about?

"Come on Bella, we shouldn't be too long Esme." Edward waved to his mother.

I handed Esme my gardening gloves. "Enjoy the hunt darling, I'll get Carlisle to help when he gets home." She spoke with love for husband, it flowed through every word.

We left and made quick work jumping over the river. I ran behind Edward as we found a good place to hunt, I was still getting used to the woods but they were right about one thing; the instinct was as easy as breathing.

Two deers down and the sun hadn't even come out, we had only been a little over half an hour so far, I guessed.

"Look Bella." Edward pointed toward the sky. He was no more than twenty feet away, and I turned in the direction he was looking .

It was as if the clouds were very slowly being pushed away by the sun. My beautiful sun, I missed it so much. I hadn't realized I was taking steps forward until I heard Edward cough to get my attention. I turned.

It was a good thing we didn't need to breathe anymore, otherwise I may have past out. Diamonds. No, that couldn't even describe it properly.

Edward was glistening. Like an ocean with too much salt, glittering as the waves moved in and out of the shore. Embedded in his skin were angles and ridges that flared and shone as the light of the sun hit him. He was so beautiful.

"Wow." It seemed like the best thing to say given the situation. "Yeah." He agreed. Noting my own skin, which I had yet to do myself.

My eyes tore away from his, unwillingly. I took in my own hands, angles and ridges almost identical to Edward. But the way it looked was not that of an ocean, my skin shone like a child's glittering marble as it rolled down the sidewalk on a hot day. Edward held colors of emerald and olive, while mine were much more of a lilac color, periwinkle even.

Did every vampire look a little different in the sun? Did we all retain a slightly different color depending on our make up genetically?

I was going to ask Edward, I lifted my head again but something stopped me. His face. Edward was scowling at me - no, not at me - it was almost like he was looking through me.

"Edward?" I asked. "Is everything alright?" How could he be upset? He was truly so beautiful.

The clouds were starting to close in on the short lived glimpse of my sun, but I couldn't turn to say my goodbyes to it. I wanted to know what was wrong with him.

"This is wrong, you can't be so...I-" Edward turned away, pacing away a few steps.

Involuntarily, my feet followed the same amount of steps. "Wrong? You're beautiful." I didn't mean to say it, but it was the truth.

"Beautiful?" He bellowed. "This is the exact reason why we can never be normal Bella!"

He faced me again. "We go to school, we live like humans as much as we can. But this-" He gestured to the fading glisten of his hand. "-This is a constant reminder that we predators, to us and to them. That while we may abstain from hunting them, we will never be like them." His words were grave, saddened.

"Is this what I have to look forward to?" I asked him, frustration hitting me without my permission. "Mourning my lost mortality forever? Are you telling me that I have to grieve not only the loss of my father, my mother and my life in Phoenix, but my new found inability to die?"

Edward looked down, refusing to meet my gaze. "Tell me!" This was said no louder than a whisper but I felt the venom spit out of me as I said it.

"If it wasn't for me, you'd be living!" He ground out, louder than he needed for either of our ears to hear. I'm sure his family could even hear it.

I was getting mad, I could feel the venom filling my mouth further. "No." I retorted. Harshly, but never raising my voice. "I would be dead, Edward." I took another step toward him. "You know that."

"Yes." Edward's voice was tight, but no longer loud. "You would be dead, but that is better than being a monster."

I breathed in an unnecessary gasp of oxygen at his words. "You...You think I'm a monster?" My eyes stung, begging to let the tears that didn't exist anymore out.

His face changed, no longer was it tight in frustration. It now held the evidence of an argument I couldn't hear in his own head.

"Bella." He sighed. "Please don't think I meant it like that." How else could he have meant it?

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I took a breath in and tried again. "I'm sorry..." The rush of things I wanted to say hit the tip of my tongue, my new mind held perfect clarity of words but I was still learning to keep them clear enough to find one to work with. Practice Carlisle had said.

"I'm sorry I'm not as good at this as you all are." I looked down at my matted sweater, I had tried so hard not ruin another. But three hunts in a row now I had ruined my clothes. I was embarrassed at myself.

Edward began to speak again but I raised my hand to silence. I couldn't hear anymore, I just wanted to curl up on the sofa in Carlisle's office and read whatever I could find to take my mind off of this moment. I ran. I didn't bother to look back, I could hear him trailing behind me. He could have easily met my pace but knew not to anger me further.

But I wasn't angry, not really. This beautiful boy had made me sad, ashamed of myself. I had been upset before, anytime I thought about Charlie's death or how distraught my mother must have been. I was mourning my father and the loss of my own life still, but Edward had made me want to hide under a quilt and watch re-runs of The Golden Girls. I had never felt so worthless from one simple word.

Monster.

I had thought the word many times, but had pushed it down and hidden it under thoughts of my new friends. How could we be monsters? Emmett was funny and had a laugh that resembled rocks falling down a cliff. Esme held more love in her eyes than anyone I had ever met before. Alice was so lively, how could she not be alive? And Edward, we didn't speak often but when we did...Despite the guilt he felt, he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare and even curious as to my personality. Had it all simply been out of a bizarre sense of obligation?

I thought our conversations had been real, I had stupidly thought he was interested in what I had to say. But maybe he just felt responsible for death, or un-death as it would seem.

I stopped short of the house, calming myself the best I could before entering. They had a habit of keeping the door slightly ajar, to avoid my accidentally breaking it, I supposed.

Emmett and Jasper were sitting on the couch in the family room, watch some British T.V show about cars and racing. I ran behind them and through the hall to the office, grabbing a few pieces of clothing as quickly as I could without ruining another item. I made my way up the stairs, my destination; Carlisle and Esme's shower, they had graciously allowed me to used it whenever I wanted.

Edward was back now, he was sitting on the third step of the sprawling marble staircase. He looked guilty, but I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

"Bella, please allow me to apologize for my words before." I halted on the fifth step, I had every intention to walk past him, to be stronger than him. But my steps faltered at his words. Gosh darn curiosity.

He stood and we both turned toward each other, still two steps apart. I nodded, I was curious as to what he had to say. I always was. "I was projecting my beliefs of myself onto you, you didn't deserve that." His eyes finally raised to mine. "You are the victim here."

"You don't get it, do you?" I gripped the clothes in my hand, I wanted to throw them at him. "It not that you called me a..." I didn't want to say the word. "-That you called me that." I corrected. "It's that you're wrong."

"Excuse me?" His eyebrow raised, whether out of curiosity, frustration or amusement I don't know. Maybe a mixture of all three.

"You heard me." Wow, I was growing a backbone. Taking a step down, meeting him more in the eye now. "I get that you might say that about me - You don't know me from a hole in the wall - But to say that like we all are?" I shook me head, sad for him. "How dare you imply that about your family, they have been so kind and hospitable towards me. Nothing but accommodating." I sighed.

He blinked. "I don't understand, you think I meant we were bad people?" I was starting to feel awkward standing here, the blood on my body drying further. "Isn't that what monster means?"

"Bella, I feel like a monster, I just told you that you're not to blame for any of this."

I turned my back on him, climbing the stairs slowly. "I feel sorry for you if you don't understand what I mean, Edward."

My shower was long, the hot water steaming the room until it looked like fog on a freezing cold morning. Being at a naturally cool temperature now, I felt no need to use any cold water; It would have burned my skin off if I was still human.

Sitting in Carlisle's office again, I silently ran my fingers of his large collection of literature with feather like movements. I was still so fascinated by the sheer amount of books one person could have read, and so quickly.

I had already gone through five books out of the lot myself, including one I had long loved; Wuthering heights. But I was on to my next victim, I needed something to take my mind off of the sort-of-but-not-really argument with Edward. I still didn't understand how he could see himself like that.

The soft sound of Chopin played through the closed door, he was playing the piano again. I often heard his impeccable playing at night, when everyone else was otherwise occupied. The first time it happened I was walking through the hall, he was perched on his bench at the black baby grand piano playing something I didn't recognize. The sounds of Rosalie's moans began and my face turned to an immediate grimace, good for them but I didn't want to hear it.

Edward looked up at me and rolled his eyes, I smiled and we shared a look before I continued to the office - my new room. It was a look of solidarity, we were the only two in the house that were sans partner, we had that in common at least. He continued to play and I went off to finish the book on the Russian empire.

The music I had seen as comforting once before, I now saw for what it actually was. I read to lose myself from my thoughts, he created sound through music. He was a lot more affected by my change than I realized.

I snapped my book closed, he and I weren't so different. I stood from the sofa and place my book down before slowly making my way out of the warm office, my hair almost dry having been so close to the fire.

"Edward?" I asked, startling him a little. He seemed to have really gotten into the melody. "Yes, Bella?" His eyes lifted to mine, patient but seemingly interested.

I took another step forward. "I want to apologize for my behavior before, it was wrong of me to accuse you of such things." Claiming that he thought ill of his family was wrong.

"I was the one at fault Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for." He shook his head. I move closer, placing my hand on the flatness of the piano. "I shouldn't have jumped to any conclusions, of course you know how wonderful your family is. Even Rosalie." I added that last past in jest, Rosalie wasn't rude, just a little cold at times.

He smiled a little at my words. "I don't think you're a monster." He stated again. "But I believe I am."

"No." I shook my head. "You're forgetting Edward, I know what it feels like. The thirst, the blood-lust." I gulped back some venom that began to rise at the thought. "And I haven't even been around a human yet, who knows how I will react to it when I do." Thinking about that made me what to shudder.

Edward slid to the side a little, then gestured slightly with his head. An invitation to sit next to him. I did, and continued. "I can't be mad for you wanting to-" I halted, thinking it would be best not to describe anything too personal. "Because I get it."

"You're incredibly logical for a newborn." He mused, looking up at the roof. I shrugged. "desperate times..."

He gave a small smile at that. "I'm sorry for making you angry."

"You didn't, just sad."

"I'm sorry." His head fell, now facing down, like a little boy who had been caught stealing cookies from the kitchen cabinets.

It was time to cut him some slack. "It's okay. No one expects you to be perfect."

Our eyes met again. "Truce?" The request was raised by him.

"Will it happen again?" I queried. "I can try." was his response.

Tilting my head, I turned my body toward him. "If you promise to try, you have a deal."

"I promise."

"Good." I raised up from my spot on the bench, happy with the progress. "Goodnight Edward." Though it was probably morning at this point.

As I made my way down the hall, I heard a soft call. "Goodnight Bella."

Songs for this chapter: 'Brand New Day' by Ryan Star, 'Without Words' by Ray LaMontagne, and 'Creep' by Radiohead.