Swallow
by Misery's-Toll
Summary: Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina
Songs listened to: "Little Hell" by City and Colour, "The House I Grew Up In" by The Weeks, and "Redford" by Sufjan Stevens.
I recommend reading in 3/4 view.
The kitchen linoleum is sticky to her bare feet.
Hinata can't sleep, so instead she paces back and forth. With all the cabinets hanging open and the refrigerator door ajar, there's no denying the aching growl in her stomach. She's just so goddamn hungry.
First she reaches for an apple from the fruit bowl on the table. She takes one hesitant bite through the fresh, crisp rind and her gums begin to bleed.
It tastes so good.
But she hasn't taken three bites when she sees the chocolate pudding cup, glowing on the shelf in the refrigerator. I shouldn't, she thinks, but drops the apple on the floor to grab the dessert.
She rips off the foil lid and dips in with her fingers, sliding the digits deep into her mouth to savor the sweet decadent flavor.
When it's empty, she tears open a bag of animal crackers with her teeth. She swallows each cookie with a gulp of milk straight from the carton, and when she's done with that she downs a can of soda.
Then she eats a banana, a bag of chips, a candy bar, more more more until she's not even tasting it. She's just swallowing, sitting on floor in a sea of her own disgusting failure.
"Oh God," she whimpers, looking at the discarded wrappers and empty packages strewn everywhere like animal bones, picked clean by vultures.
Her reflection looks back at her from the stainless steel oven door. Her hair is frazzled, the circles beneath her eyes deep and purple. She has chocolate smeared across her cheek.
"You're so stupid," she whispers to her mirror image, an ugly gaping corpse staring her right in the face.
"Why don't you j-just die already!" she screeches, throws the browning apple at the oven door, and runs from the room.
I was just dying in slow motion.
0
Can I trust you? But I don't want to!
One afternoon, Hinata decides to stop by the convenience store on her way to the subway station.
The earth is watery from a weeklong downpour that has eaten up the sky and left nothing but fog and lightning. The ankle deep puddles are no match for Hinata's Burberry rain boots, scuffed and spattered with mud. She finds herself almost enjoying the pitter-patter of rain against her little pink umbrella.
The 7Eleven's faded sign is barely visible on the horizon when the sound of whirring bicycle wheels suddenly becomes louder than the rainfall.
"Hinata!"
She turns around, raising her umbrella just enough to see beyond the ruffled trim. She cups her free hand to her mouth and exhales, allowing the warmth of her breath to fan across fingers and cheeks. November weather may be beautiful, but it isn't easy on her hunger-addled bones.
"Naruto," she chirps, surprised. It's only been a few weeks since they all visited the beach together, but communication between their group has been a little strained ever since. Kiba still avoids her gaze at all cost, and Sasuke and Sakura can't seem to stop arguing.
It's taken its toll on the innocents of their group as well. Hinata has barely even seen Naruto outside of class, only catching glimpses as he desperately tries mediate his best friends' relationship.
He rides his bicycle up alongside her, carefully maintaining a yard's distance after an initial splash of water gone astray hits her knees.
"I thought it was you! Don't you usually go straight to the station?" he asks, pedaling slowly to keep pace with her.
Hinata shrugs, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck when a gust of wind tugs greedily at her hair. "I thought it w-would be a nice day for a walk?" she tries to explain, but it sounds silly even to her own ears.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Naruto laughs, "I love riding my bike when it's all wet and rainy outside. It reminds me of home, before the foster care system."
Hinata blushes and nods. Naruto very rarely speaks to anyone about anything of a sentimental nature, except maybe to Sakura. Back in the old days when Hinata was dating Shino, Naruto and Sakura were an unmatchable force of nature. Naruto didn't even learn Hinata's name until after Sakura left him for Sasuke.
"It reminds m-me of my mom," Hinata admits, almost reluctant to offer such a private feeling. But the lopsided smile on Naruto's face is more than worth it.
His hair is plastered to his forehead in little charming curly-cues, his entire body quickly becoming dripping wet. Hinata wonders if maybe he was waiting out the rain somewhere when he caught sight of her and decided to follow.
"I thought you'd get it," he says, shaking his head to clear his bangs from his eyes, "Where are you headed?"
Hinata adjusts her umbrella again to blink up at the suddenly tall and imposing sign of the 7Eleven. The walk seemed like nothing with Naruto beside her. "Um. Right here."
Naruto dismounts from his bicycle, chaining it to the first bolted down object in sight to join her on foot. "I could use some crappy gas station coffee. Err, unless I'm bothering you? Sakura said I should try and be more aware of that. Personal space or something."
Hinata can't help but giggle at the picture of that conversation she paints in her mind, and she shakes her head.
"Awesome," he says, holding the door open for her with a grand flourish, "Sakura said I should do that, too."
Hinata folds her umbrella shut and leaves it propped against the outer wall, entering the building with as much grace as she can manage. "Thank you," she mumbles, her boots squeaking loudly and embarrassingly now that they are indoors.
He gives her a winning grin, an obvious shiver going down his spine at the change in temperature. "Ahh, wow that's nice. They really keep the heater burning in here, don't they?" he thinks aloud, closing his eyes to bask in the warmth. Then, moving toward the coffee machine, he asks, "Hey, do you want anything?"
Hinata's stomach flutters and her cheeks flame; everything about this scenario is like something out of a daydream. She pinches herself discreetly on the wrist. "Um. C-Coffee's fine."
He waves in acknowledgement, setting to the task of filling Styrofoam cups with sludge-like caffeinated liquid.
At the cash register, Hinata clears her throat nervously, attracting the attention of the attendant.
"Marlboro Gold," she squeaks, quickly dropping her driver's license on the linoleum counter. The guy doesn't even look at it, he just grabs the pack of cigarettes and rings up the total with complete disinterest. Hinata wonders if maybe he's beginning to recognize her as a usual.
"What did you get?" Naruto asks, setting the cups down next to her driver's license. The grin on his face is still oddly hesitant, and when it falls on the Marlboros it droops at one corner, "Oh."
The silence that follows is long and awkward, filled only with the static of raindrops and the buzzing of vending machines.
"Are you together?" The cashier finally asks, tapping on the counter impatiently.
Hinata jumps, already blushing from the weight of thick quiet. "W-What? No! We're just friends!" she shrieks, hiding her face in her hands, suddenly feeling way too hot in her coat.
But Naruto just blinks, self-conscious laughter bubbling from his throat as he fumbles with his wallet, "I think he meant our stuff, Hinata."
The cashier gives an unimpressed nod.
"Oh," she squeaks, wishing she could run outside and wash away with the rain. She tiptoes over to the door to wait out the remainder of the transaction so she can get her breathing under control.
By the time Naruto is finished paying, she has an awkward apology written out in her head. She can't believe she embarrassed Naruto in front of that guy! Of all the humiliating mistakes she's made…
"Here," Naruto says, passing her the cigarettes and the cup of coffee, and her apology dies on her tongue. She scrambles to stuff the pack in her pocket and forces her way outside before Naruto can try to open the door for her again.
Beyond the protection of the awning, the rain is violent and heavy. Cars in the distance are at a standstill, their taillights blinking like Christmas bulbs, Naruto's bicycle shuddering pathetically in the wind.
"We're stuck," she mumbles hopelessly. Of all the times to be stranded with Naruto, it has to be after she's made the hugest fool of herself.
Still soaked, he just leans nonchalantly against the brick wall. "I thought something like this might happen," he says and slurps noisily at his coffee. "So, you smoke now?"
Hinata fingers the pack in her coat, rolling her shoulder uncomfortably. She wishes she could still hide beneath her umbrella. "Sometimes."
She watches him through the veil of her eyelashes. He nods once, still curiously deep in thought. "Huh," he finally says, knocking back the rest of his coffee in one gulp.
It's after dark when the rain finally lets up into a light drizzle, so Naruto follows her to the train station on his bicycle.
"You know, I live right up there," he says, pointing to a dingy apartment building overlooking the red line. There is one dark square among the mosaic of glowing windows, and she can guess without asking which is his.
"I always thought y-you'd live closer to Ichiraku," she jokes, tangling her fingers in her humidity-warped hair. Truth be told, she'd always imagined he'd live in a fancy complex like Sakura and Ino.
Naruto lets out a little a little chuckle, but looks at his dismal window with fondness. "Nah, that side of town's way pricey. But you're still living with your family though, huh."
He doesn't wait for a reply, but plunges forward, "Did you and Kiba break up? He's been acting like a huge ass lately."
The change in subject is so sudden that at first she only gapes at him. Her heart is so full of guilt and shame over that entire weekend. But Naruto doesn't look angry.
"Um...I-I guess," she mumbles, pulling at the hem of her jacket self-consciously.
He steps closer and drops a heavy hand on her shoulder, causing her to start. With all sincerity he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Any guy would be lucky to have you!"
His hand is so steady and comforting on her shoulder, sending an electrical current through her whole body. In one bold move, she steps even closer, the butterflies in her chest scattering in all directions. She gives him her coyest smile. "You, um...really think so?"
He pulls back to give her a thumbs up and a wink, and she could almost swear that his white smile twinkles. "You'd better believe it! I've got lots of friends I can hook you up with."
Her knees wobble beneath her, whatever moment she thought they were having completely destroyed. And she can't tell whether she's relieved or sad, but all she can force out is a strained, "Oh."
Her head is spinning thick with mud, and whatever he says after that she can't remember long enough to hold on to. There are no confessions of love or deep-rooted affection. There is only believe it!
She spews out some nervous, redundant nonsense and says, "I-I have to go home now." And then somehow she is on the train even though she can't remember paying for a ticket or descending the stairs.
For several minutes, she can do nothing but stare blankly out the windows, familiar scenery flickering past unrecognizably. The rocking of the train is somewhat soothing to her curled up form, lulling her into an inescapable trance.
A sigh parts her lips, and she spirals a finger through her dampened mane of hair. Nothing could convince her that today was real.
She is only startled from the endless agonizing loop in her head by the vibration of her cell phone.
With numb fingers, she finally checks her neglected inbox. There are two unchecked messages.
RESTRICTED:
Starving for attention?
Hinata lets out a wheeze, tucking her head between her knees and squeezing her eyes shut tight. The phone clatters to the floor, but there's no one but a homeless man on the opposite side of the railcar to even glance in her direction.
"Why?" she whimpers to herself, fingers curling into her hair and tugging at the roots.
In the months since the carnival, she's struggled endlessly to fit in. Getting up two hours early to get ready and skipping meals has become second nature to her, while her grades still plummet. And maybe her friends like her when it suits them, but no matter how hard she tries she can't get her shit together.
Her phone vibrates on the ground again, almost insistently. She growls with frustration and snatches it off the floor, willing herself to peek at the shattered screen. The letters are crooked and cracked, but they are her solace in a wicked evening.
Naruto Uzumaki:
I HAD FUN 2DAY ;)
Naruto Uzumaki:
C U IN SPEECH.
What was the point?
It is 11:45 in the morning. Hinata's Speech class starts at noon, but she hasn't gotten up yet.
The alarm clock sits across the room on her vanity, displaying bright red numbers and playing a song from her iPhone as per the usual wake-up call. Instead of getting up bright and early at 8:00 to turn off the blaring music, she's let it wash over her for hours as she fades in and out of sleep.
She sinks her fists into her stomach to stop the desperate gnawing. She wants to get up. She wants to visit with her friends and work hard and do well, but she's just so tired.
Hinata blinks, and then it's 11:46.
"Get up," she whispers to herself for the umpteenth time. If she leaves now, she'll only be a few minutes late to class. Maybe she can even do her make-up on the train.
"Get up," she says.
Class is twenty minutes in by the time she finally arrives. Every inch of her wants to enter the classroom, but she has no desire to make the walk of shame from the front of the room to her seat.
When Kurenai is finished talking, she tells herself at first. Then Kurenai finishes talking, but the room is too silent to interrupt with the shuffling of feet. Hinata looms just outside the doorway, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce, but it never quite comes.
Class ends, and for a moment she allows the crowd of exiting students to push past her, bumping her shoulders and scraping her elbows. But when she sees Kiba and Naruto nearing the door, she ducks behind a trophy case to hide the sudden rise of horror in her chest.
"-I mean, it doesn't even make sense! Sasuke's just being a bastard and Sakura's being stubborn. They've been fighting ever since Sakura almost drowned, and for no reason!" Naruto moans, tugging at his hair in frustration.
Kiba lets out a long suffering sigh, as though this rant has been in procession for a very long time. "Everybody's out of whack. I mean, what's the deal with Hinata? Is she going to avoid me forever?"
The two males walk past her without notice, and she squeezes herself desperately against the wall in hopes that she can disappear. Unfortunately, they stop practically right in front of her so that Naruto can grab a bag of chips from the vending machine.
"She said you guys weren't dating anymore," he says offhandedly, as though it solves all of Kiba's problems, "But did you hear what Sakura said to Sasuke yesterday? She called him a 'self-righteous pain in the ass' right in front of-"
"Wow, awesome. Nice of Hinata to tell everyone but me, I guess," Kiba interrupts, laughing humorlessly, "She never liked me to begin with, did she tell you that? She was just using me. Hot girls like her can do whatever they want, I guess…"
A shudder of pain shoots through her heart so strong she thinks she might faint. She doesn't really want to hear anymore of this conversation.
But Naruto stops pressing buttons on the vending machine to look Kiba very carefully in the eye. "You don't mean that. Hinata's like the nicest person in the world and you're just angry you can't have her."
Kiba rolls his eyes, but manages to look at least a little apologetic. "You always know how to cheer me up buddy," he drawls, voice laced with sarcasm.
Naruto leans over to remove the chips from the machine and shoves them into Kiba's empty arms. "Any time, friend," he says, and then after another second of contemplation, adds, "You're right about her being hot, though."
As they start to walk away, Naruto turns around and shoots her a wink.
She's standing in the same spot ten minutes later when Professor Kurenai leaves the classroom, trailing after a few straggling students.
"Miss Hyuga, right?" the woman asks, noticing Hinata despite her still being squashed against the trophy case.
Hinata starts, not expecting to be acknowledged, and lets out a stammering, "Ah, um, yes ma'am?"
Kurenai gives a sympathetic smile, the kind that comes right before bad news. Hinata's stomach churns with a combination of dread and hunger. "I was going to send you an email, Miss Hyuga. Your grades are less than satisfactory, and if you don't make at least an A on your next presentation I'll have to recommend you drop the course."
Hinata nods numbly, wrapping her arms around herself to keep her insides from falling out. "I-I understand. Thank you."
The instructor begins to walk away, but after a second's hesitation, turns back to Hinata. "I don't usually do this, but I might consider letting you choose your partner for the next assignment. If you can give me a one-minute elevator speech right here on why I should."
Hinata blinks, letting out an inhuman sound of surprise before taking a quick scope of her surroundings. The halls are mostly empty, the majority of students having moved on to their next destination.
After a few moments of just staring, she stammers out, "I d-don't understand what's wrong with me. Why it's so hard for me to…to talk in front of people. N-Not even just in class, but when I'm with my friends."
A long pause follows, filled with spinning thoughts and clammy fingers. Her gaze flits from the floor to Kurenai's waiting expression, to an inspirational poster hanging on the wall. When her eyes rest on the vending machine, she forces out with a hoarse voice, "One of my friends…Naruto. Um, he's different. He's not the smartest, but he tries the hardest. He's the reason I decided to go to school. To college. I want him as my partner because I know he won't leave me behind. He will listen to me. I feel b-brave with him by my side."
She opens her mouth to say something more, but nothing comes out but air. All her blood is rushing to her head, and she feels dizzy. Her bones seem to be rattling beneath her skin. Is she shaking? She wipes sweat from her upper lip and it glistens in a streak across the back of her hand.
Kurenai purses her lips in contemplation before finally laying down the verdict. "That was hardly a minute, but much improved over your last attempt. I take it that Mr. Uzumaki is the person you want as your partner?"
Hinata nods, throat too sore to even properly thank her when the woman says, "In that case, you can expect to be paired together, if you promise to show up to class tomorrow."
She nods again, wiping her sweaty hands on the scratchy material of her skirt. It feels overly abrasive against her frozen skin.
After Kurenai walks away, Hinata immediately pushes off the wall in search of a restroom. But this time, not to purge.
"You can do this," she whispers to her reflection, and lets out a giddy squeal.
The next day, as the lecture draws to a close, Hinata's entire body is tight with anticipation. Her spiral is full of notes and ideas she spent all night coming up with. She is determined not to be a dead weight. This time, she tells herself, it will be different.
"Hey, study buddy!" Naruto cheers, slapping his palms down on her desk.
"Hi!" she squeaks, pulling her hands over her mouth to hide her over eager grin. But Naruto is frowning. Why is he frowning? He can't be frowning when she's so excited!
"Here's the thing..." he says, "I actually promised that bastard Sasuke that I'd go rescue him from the boredom of his stupid high school fundraiser, so we'll have to rain check on this whole work thing."
Hinata's heart drops in her chest, but she tries to keep her smile. "Well, a p-promise is a promise!" she says with a forced giggle and begins to gather her belongings, the easiest way to hide her trembling hands, "It's alright, Naruto. We'll work on it some other t-time.
When her messenger bag is all packed, Naruto quickly snatches it from the desk and pulls the strap over his shoulder. "You're damn right we will. In fact, I think it would be best if you come along, and we can work on the project after dinner or something. It'll be more efficient that way," he says with a wink, "C'mon, we don't have all day!"
Hinata's faded grin comes back tenfold, and this time she doesn't even bother hiding it.
"W-What about your bike?" Hinata asks as they step onto the bus that will take them to the train station. Naruto seems slightly distracted by the novelty of it all, taking an extra minute to fish around in his pockets for change to pay the bus fare.
"Sasuke can take me to get it later," he says, waving away her concern. Then, as they step down the isle, his eyes light up. "Wow, this is actually pretty nice!"
As someone who has taken public transportation her whole life, Hinata fails to see how seats with foam bursting from tears of mysterious origins and a floor covered in spilled soda could be considered nice.
"Y-You think so?" she asks, lowering herself daintily onto one of the chairs. Personally, she finds the train much nicer. The plastic benches, while usually covered in crude drawings, can be more easily classified as clean or unclean.
"Beats the rain and the cold!" he cheers, throwing himself into a seat with gusto, "I'd take the bus every day if passes weren't so damn expensive. 2 bucks a day starts to add up after awhile."
Coming from a privileged family, Hinata doesn't know what to say to that, so she just shrugs uncomfortably and stares at her shoelaces.
But Naruto, unfazed by her silence, has no shortage of conversation topics. "Sasuke's gonna be real glad to see you. He'll probably be a dick at first, but he's just in a bad mood since he and Sakura aren't getting along. Don't let it get you down! I've always told him that you guys could be good friends if you only hung out together more."
Hinata blinks, startled.
"Don't look so surprised!" he continues, "I know he's not always the easiest to get along with, but he's got a strong sense of justice and he takes care of the people he loves...don't tell him I told you that though. It'll give him a big head. Bastard."
A small smile grows on Hinata's face. That's just like Naruto to want his closest people to get along. She'll put on a grin and bear whatever sour mood Sasuke is in if it's important to him.
"I'll take it t-to the grave," she says with a giggle, and looks out the window to watch the scenery rushing by.
You gave me hope.
"Well don't you look cute?" Naruto laughs heartily and smacks Sasuke on the back, causing the jingle bell on his hat to tinkle.
The high school student tenses, his shoulders rising up to his pointed ears as he slowly turns around.
"God damn it, idiot. I told you not to come," he says, crossing his arms and trying to look tough, even with the bright red blush that rises to his cheeks.
Naruto grins and grabs an abandoned hat lying on a nearby chair. "That's exactly why I came! I can read between the lines, asshole. I know when you're secretly desperate for help."
Sasuke rolls his eyes before setting his gaze on Hinata. "And what is she doing here?" he asks, his tone slighly accusing.
"Um...Naruto s-said you needed some help!" she says, eyes darting around to look at all the vibrant decorations.
The school auditorium is set up to look like Santa's workshop, empty cardboard boxes wrapped with colored paper and topped with bows stacked in piles beneath fake plastic pine trees. Ribbons and tinsel are curtained along the walls leading up to the stage, where a giant throne-like chair is set up in an arrangement of glittery cotton snow.
Other students dressed like elves staple paper stars to walls, carpet the floor with more fake snow, and set out holiday cookies for the bake sale. Sasuke was busy directing a fellow classmate on how to correctly hang a banner that read "Happy Holidays!" when they arrived.
"Of course he did." Sasuke sighs unhappily. "Well, we're actually right on schedule, so you can go home. The doors open in fifteen minutes and the neighborhood kids will line up to meet Santa."
"Great! That gives us time to go to Subway and get some meatball subs," Naruto cheers, "Let's go!"
Sasuke groans. "Moron. I'm the President of the National Honor Society; I can't just take off. Why don't you and your girlfriend go, and leave me alone."
Hinata face flushes. "I w-would like to help if I can!"
Sasuke's eyes narrow at her, looking her over as if waiting for a punch line. "We need someone to hang lights over the doors in the hallway, and somebody else to get the coolers full of soda from Mr. Deidara's car. If your stomachs can wait that long."
Naruto turns around and pulls the jingle-hat over his unruly hair. "How about you do the lights and I'll get the coolers? They're bound to be heavy."
Hinata chews her lip and nods. It never occurred to her that they might be separated.
"Great. Go find Karin. She'll know where the lights are," Sasuke says, pulls a set of keys from his pocket, and hands them to Naruto, "Mr. Deidara's car is parked in the south lot. A black Cherokee."
Naruto gives Sasuke a mock-salute and runs off, leaving Hinata and Sasuke standing alone together.
"Don't tell me you're all talk?" he asks with a raised eyebrow, as if he expected this hesitance from her, "Are you gonna help or not?"
Hinata blushes and nods fervently. "I...I'll go find Karin."
Out in the main hall, Hinata finds one redheaded girl dressed in street clothes struggling to drag a giant box out of a janitor's closet.
Hinata lingers in the doorway for a minute, unsure of what to do, just watching the girl fumble and curse as she fails to get a decent grip on the box without handles.
"Is this entertaining for you?" the girl finally hollers, standing upright and glaring at her as she wipes sweat from her brow.
Hinata jumps. "Ah, uh, no. Are you Karin?"
The girl stretches long pale arms over her head, grimacing as the vertebrae in her spine crack. "That's my name, don't wear it out. I've never seen you before. Are you a freshman?"
The question takes Hinata by surprise. She knows she's a little short for her age, but she can't imagine getting mistaken for a fourteen year old. Though ever since she dropped below one-hundred pounds, her figure hasn't exactly been the epitome of adulthood.
"In c-college," she says. "I'm friends with Sasuke..."
Karin's eyebrows raise in surprise. "Oh. Of course the hottest senior has hot college friends. Come help me with this."
Hinata teeters by the doorframe a second longer, contemplating coming up with an excuse to back out, but she inevitably caves in with Karin looking at her so expectantly.
"On the count of three, we'll lift," the redhead says, "One, two, three, lift!"
They end up staying until after 6:00 clean-up, and Hinata finds herself both exhausted and cheerful.
She and Karin sit on the curb outside the school together, sipping leftover ginger ales that didn't get sold. She has no idea where Sasuke and Naruto are, and all she can really do is hope that they haven't left without her.
"So, is he single?" Karin asks, twirling her hair around her finger, "You know I had to ask."
Hinata slowly shakes her head. "I d-don't think so. He and Sakura are going through a rough patch, but..."
Karin sighs and shrugs. "A girl can dream. He's too high on the food chain for me anyway."
Hinata wonders if maybe she should concur, or if she should reassure the girl that she's plenty beautiful. But instead she remains silent and stares out at the twinkling highway of cars and stoplights in the distance, digging her brittle fingernails into the meat of her calf. It gets dark so early at this time of year.
"You know, you should try laxatives," the redhead says suddenly, "They work wonders."
Hinata jerks back, eyes wide. "What?"
"You know what I'm talking about," Karin replies as a blue sedan quietly pulls up in front of them. "This is me. See you around."
Hinata pulls herself to a shaking stand and stumbles backward over the curb. "Y-Yeah. See you."
She watches the redhead climb into the car, and notices for the first time the almost cadaverous prominence of her bones. It makes Hinata feel sick to her stomach.
"Bye," she whispers.
"Those girls were hitting on you!" Naruto laughs, and Sasuke scoffs.
Naruto had played Hinata for the right to sit shotgun in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, and lost. He was poking his head between the front two headrests and Sasuke yelled at him more than once to put his seatbelt on. Hinata had never hung out with the two guys alone like this, driving through the dark with the radio blaring. Half of her felt accepted, like she was finally breaching the inner circle, while the other half was terrified.
"They were in middle school!" Sasuke rebuts, as if it contradicted his friend's statement.
"You've got fangirls! Little teeny-bopper fangirls," Naruto continues, chuckling to himself, "You're like Justin Bieber or something."
When Sasuke takes his eyes off the road to give the blonde a heavy glare, Naruto throws his hands up in defense.
"Sorry, sorry," he says, trying to look serious. "You're way prettier than Justin Bieber."
Sasuke lets out a long-suffering groan and turns the radio up even louder, until Hinata can feel the bass line reverberating through her hole body. Then Naruto taps her shoulder and she starts, turning to look at him with wide eyes.
"Did you have fun?" he shouts over the music. "I'm sorry we kinda lost you back at the school!"
Hinata nods and smiles. Despite earlier revelations, she decides helping out really was fun. It was nice to be productive and to have her efforts recognized; it feels like quite some time has passed since anyone congratulated her on a job well done.
"Cool!" he says and pats her on the shoulder, and finally leans back in his seat to cradle one of the six-packs in his lap.
They were originally planning on just going back to the school to pick up Naruto's bike and go their separate ways. But then they passed a liquor store Naruto was familiar with and they decided they were deserving of a few beers, and from there they headed down to the river.
When they pull up to the City Park, Sasuke's is the only vehicle in sight. The three young adults climb out of the car, and help themselves to the beer.
"I texted Sakura," Sasuke says, tossing his drink from hand to hand. "I think she's gonna come down."
Naruto nods sagely and asks, "Are you two gonna duke it out?"
Sasuke gives a one shouldered shrug and looks at Hinata from the corner of his eye, as though he can't talk about it in her presence. Then he pulls his car keys from his pocket and says, "Come on, let's chug this shit."
The guys puncture a hole in each of their cans, and frothy liquid begins spewing from the side.
"Ready, set, go!" Naruto yells, and the two tilt their heads back as they gulp down the alcohol.
Hinata watches in awe as they empty the cans in 5 seconds flat and crush them beneath their shoes. The two grin proudly at their feat, and Hinata claps in appreciation.
"Thank you, thank you," Naruto says, bowing exaggeratedly, and then whirls around to point at her. "Now it's your turn, little miss."
"Me?" Hinata squeaks, looking down at the 16oz can in her hand
Sasuke laughs. "Hinata's such a lightweight, she'd probably just pass out."
"Nah-uh," Naruto says, shaking his head, "Hinata may be tiny, but she's a warrior. Just you wait—she'll drink you under the table!"
Hinata rolls the beer in her hands, contemplating it. If she sips daintily, she could avoid the embarrassment of getting wet and sticky, but then she'd be proving Sasuke right, that she isn't one of the guys. She wants Sasuke to like her.
And the self-destructive path beckons. Right now she just wants to get shitfaced, to get so drunk that she can't stop laughing until her make-up runs and she can't tell up from down.
"Yeah," she says bravely, taking the plunge. "J-Just you wait!"
Sasuke raises his eyebrows at the challenge, but hands over the keys. Hinata fumblingly wrenches a hole in the can and takes several large, dizzying gulps, though the beer escapes from the corners of her lips and dribbles down her chin.
She keeps her eyes closed and focuses on the bitter taste, on the mechanical motion of swallowing. She wonders if her hollow stomach will be able to hold it down at all.
When the can is empty, she crushes it beneath her boot with a clumsy stomp, and glances up shyly to gauge her companion's reactions.
Sasuke tries to cover up his gape, while Naruto gives her a thoroughly impressed grin.
"She's still standing, Sasuke," the blonde laughs and gives Hinata a one-armed hug, as if to prop her up in case her body decides to prove him wrong. "I think you owe me ten bucks."
"I didn't make a wager," the high school student scoffs, "Idiot."
Hinata knows her face must be on fire, but the full moon washes all the color from the night. She waits for Naruto's welcome heat to vanish from her side, but he doesn't let go.
Hinata is done for after her third beer, and she has no idea how many Sasuke and Naruto finish off between them. Sakura showed up at some point during the evening, and things continued jovially for awhile, but eventually the pent up tension between boyfriend and girlfriend spilled to the surface.
"You're such a prick, Sasuke! You think you're tough shit, but you're really just a little boy scared of getting left behind!"
Naruto and Hinata sit on the hood of Sasuke's car, listening to the two scream at each other about anything and everything. Hinata holds a cigarette between her lips and quietly inhales each puff of nicotine, enjoying the way it warms her lungs.
It must be the alcohol or the smoke, but she is unafraid for the first time in her life. She feels like they are in their own private bubble where the river gurgles happily and the stars glow just for them.
"They're fighting because they love each other," Naruto slurs, observing the battle with glassy eyes, "I wish that somebody...somebody would love me like that."
Hinata looks up at him, and for once she doesn't feel like she has to hide her gaze. She just soaks in his moonlit profile, occasionally brightened by the red lit tip of her cigarette. He is all hard lines, softened by the kindness in his eyes and the upturn of his lips. How can this beautiful boy not know that he is loved?
Her pulse quickens, and she tries to say something, a confession on the tip of her tongue. There will never be a better moment than this, she knows, yet the words won't form.
Naruto's fingers inch toward hers, almost touching but not quite. And because nothing she ever says comes out eloquently, she settles for lacing his icy fingers through hers.
He turns away from the bickering couple to look down at their adjoining hands, and Hinata's heartbeat pounds in her ears.
"Do you w-want to go for a walk?" she asks, voice shuddering in the cold.
"Yeah," Naruto says seriously, "I do."
The water is noisier down in the creek bed, having risen from the recent rain, and the soil smells rich and earthy. It's darker beneath the canopy of balding trees, and Naruto keeps a hand on her waist to keep her steady, guiding her when she can no longer find the North Star.
They don't make it far before she runs out of breath and they have to settle down amongst the fallen leaves.
"My parents died when I was really young," Naruto says suddenly, and she can just barely make out his melancholy expression. "And after that I got passed around a lot, because nobody wanted a moron kid who flunked every class and caused trouble at school."
He sighs and rubs a hand over his face, as if to clear the drunken haze from his eyes. He continues, "The court let me live on my own when I was sixteen, and that's when Sakura and I met. I loved her so much... I guess I still do. But she met Sasuke on graduation day, and things were never the same after that."
He grows quiet, and Hinata lets out a breath she didn't known she was holding.
"I was in your c-class," she says shyly, "I remember graduation day."
She remembers it well, watching Naruto with starry eyes as he accepted his diploma. Her heart swelled with pride, seeing him succeed when their whole class treated him like shit since freshman year. It was because of him that she was brave enough to walk across that stage, into the blinding light as a stadium of people looked on.
"I know," he says, and chuckles dryly to himself. "I found you in the yearbook a couple of weeks ago and felt like a moron. I mean, we've gone to school together for what, seven years? And I didn't notice you until three semesters ago."
If it weren't for the inebriation, she'd be able to blink back the honest tears that spill from the corners of her eyes. They surprise her with their suddenness, and Naruto catches her hand before she can wipe them away.
"You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met," he says, his voice tripping as he stares into her watery eyes. "You're so quiet, but...it's not because you don't have anything to say. Just know that...I'm listening. I can hear you."
Hinata feels like she's been trapped underwater, losing herself and her identity in the rippling blue as ice slowly filled her lungs. She's grown detached from her own broken body, floating away with the overpowering current, powerless to stop it on her own.
Naruto's fingers ghost along her frozen cheek and tangle in her hair, anchoring her to the shore. His lips capture hers, and Hinata wonders if this is what fresh air tastes like.
But it's already too late.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the brand names or celebrities mentioned.
A/N: So...it only took me fifteen months to finish this chapter. I've been slowly working on getting it finished, but I have to admit I'm surprised that I ever really got it done. Supposedly there's one more chapter after this, because I'm not a believer that true love conquers mental illness. Hinata still has a long road to recovery, and whether or not she makes it that far is yet to be seen.
I don't know if anyone is still reading this story, but I figured I'd post the chapter anyway, since there's almost 7,000 words right here. I had a lot of difficulty remembering how to write in present tense since it's been so long since I've tried it, so I apologize for any unintentional tense jumping.
Anyway, if there are still readers out there, will you let me know? Drop a review, please?
-MT