Dig Me Out Chapter 4, a glee fanfic

AN: Hi Everyone!

Well we're at that stage, everybody - we're digging deeper into what it means to be transgendered and have Gender Dysphoria. TONS of research was done for this part of the story and I'm not out to offend anyone.

In this chapter we have Mr. Shue, Rachel, Quinn, Santana, and even Finn.

I'd like to thank my brother for his support for this chapter. Thank you helping with the ending. :)

Also love to thank everyone for reading! :)

Thank you Umbrella0326 for being my betareader! :) Ur awesome! ;)

Enjoy! Please be kind.X3

HAVE A NICE DAY!-ILOVESMESOMEGLEEx3

Chapter 4

He didn't know what to do with this revelation. But there it was and it made sense. Dave was struggling to cope with this. It was comforting, confusing, depressing, frightening and yet, OK all rolled into one gigantic feeling.

It really did make sense; Dave hating his body, mimicking Rachel in the halls and countless girls, wanting a manicure set and Barbie's and lastly going into the girls locker room. His body wanted this.

He felt natural doing all this. He felt safe... He never felt so alone in his life. This...thing, feelings rather were always inside Dave Karofsky. Clawing at him for years.

BUT WHY NOW? WHY AM I JUST FIGURING THIS OUT NOW?

Dave wonders as he stares at the night sky in his bedroom window. It was late and Dave couldn't sleep. How could he? Not with so much he just discovered.

After Dave cleaned the closet earlier that day his mom made him do several more chores around the house until dinnertime. She said only clean the closet. That was it. As usual with Maggie and everything she did, she changed her mind and made Dave do more. Dave said nothing and did as he was told.

Dave barely acknowledged his mom's existence at the dinner table thinking heavily about his discovery. She never noticed. Maggie Karofsky never notices anything around her once she opens her mouth. If she did she would've noticed her son's odd behavior his far off distant stare, twitchy hands.

But yet again Maggie only cared about herself. At least that's what Dave thought. She always put her first all the time. Why should Dave think any different?

After dinner was over and Dave cleaned the kitchen he went to bed early. Or at least to his room early. He couldn't concentrate on homework or his friends or even his friends on Facebook.

He was freaked out. Dave's thoughts ran a mile a minute. At first he thought he was gay. It made sense to him. He always knew he liked guys. He never told anyone of course. It was there. The feeling was always there. He even kissed Kurt that time in the locker room so he was sure he was gay. That wasn't something he was proud of. This was different though. Dave never felt like he fit anywhere, including school and his home. He never felt like his body belonged to him. It was like he was borrowing it. He never not once felt at home in it.

Dave teared up at thought. He couldn't take it. He had to be really sure or he would go insane. Dave grabbed his laptop sitting on his bed beside him opened up the laptop, waited a minute for it to load then Googled that one word...

Transgender.

What Dave found shocked him as he read out loud. It suddenly clicked. All of it.

"Denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender." Dave's eyes widen. Some of the words were too big for him to understand but he understood enough. This was how he felt. This was who he was.

He remembered something from his past that, at the time, had no significance. But it did then. Dave flashed back to when he was thirteen. It was just him and his mom sitting in the living room. They were watching some program that Dave can't remember the name of now. That didn't matter. Dave refocused his mind and dug deeper in his brain for memories. He remembered nothing being on TV that night so they watched that program.

The topic was about Transgender and the people who told their stories. Dave remembered barely paying attention. Until one of the people talked about the word that Dave scrambled to look up. Dave snapped out of his thoughts and hurriedly typed in the definition.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS EARLIER?

Dave scolds himself as he continues to remember.

Gender Dysphoria

"The condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex."

Oh my god!... This... Makes soooo much damn sense! This is me, who I am.

Dave suddenly and angrily shuts off his laptop. He was angry! This wasn't right. It made no sense. Then it did. It absolutely made a whole lot of fucking sense.

Dave was hurt. Dave was mad. Dave was scared.

Dave was... Lost.

Dave was so tired and mad. And confused. He didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Those thoughts continued to weigh heavily on his mind and heart. Dave cried unashamed that whole night.

He was sure he knew where he was at all times. He was convinced that he'd gotten up, taken a shower, shaved, shit, put on his clothes, and let his mother complain in the car ride to school. He knew without a doubt he went to his locker to get his textbooks for morning classes and that he attended the first two. And without a doubt, he knew he was in third period sociology and that the teacher was droning on and on about Stockholm Syndrome or something. But what he wasn't sure at all about was what he discovered over the weekend –

TRANSGENDERISM

GENDER DYSPHORIA

TRANSGENDERISM

GENDER DYSPHORIA

There had to be true, HUMAN meanings to these words. Not just terminologies and theories. Those words had to translate into something related to one David Karofsky. They just HAD to.

Dave sighed. And as he did so, he realized he was completely alone. And barely a second went by before students started coming into the classroom for fourth period. He sighed again as he got up and left the room. He almost left his letterman jacket on the seat. Dave went back for it and trotted out of the room. Since his daydreaming was going to make him a little late, he walked faster than usual to class. The jock was going to be late, since fourth period civics class was all the way on the other side of campus. Rounding the corner, he noticed Rachel Berry talking animatedly to Finn Hudson.

Dave didn't care much for Hudson. Or Berry for that matter. But he couldn't take his eyes off Rachel's lips for some reason. There was something about her peach-colored lips that interested him. But he didn't have time to ogle. And Rachel didn't have time to let him, whether she knew he was doing it or not. Instead, Dave practically broke into a sprint when he heard the bell ring.

And as he approached the classroom door, he saw that everyone was already in their chairs.

"Karofsky!"

Dave stopped. "Y-yes, Mr. Lechuga?"

"Office. Now. You were late."

Dave groaned. "Ohhhhh, c'mon Mr. Lechuga! I was only a little bit-"

"Don't care. Office. Now!"

With the typical stride of a teenager, he stomped his foot and promptly turned around, headed towards the school's office. Head down and books in hand, he was in absolutely no hurry to get there. So, he took his time, wondering how long this stupor would last.

But on his way, he passed by the choir room. Ordinarily he didn't care – glee club sucked, according to him. But that day, that fateful Monday, he heard something out of Mr. Shuester's mouth. Something that would change his outlook on life forever –

"C'mon guys! You can do this! Remember what Dr. Frankenfurter said in 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' – 'don't dream it – be it'. You can do this!"

Dave nearly dropped his books. How in the world did the Spanish teacher and Leader-of-the-Losers remember such a…such a quote? There was something so…so wonderful about it.

Dave leaned against the wall and just stared at the floor –

Don't dream it – be it.

There's a moment in your life when you're struggling for the right words, the right actions, the right philosophy that changes everything. And for David Karofsky, this was it. This WAS it.

Don't dream it – be it.

He almost smiled.

Almost.

Soon it was lunchtime. He sat with the other jocks, laughing and joking about teenage boy things. Dave laughed at the appropriate times – a dirty joke, teasing a loser, checking out Quinn Fabray or humiliating Lauren Zizes, bemoaning a test, etc. When needed, Dave could fit in with the jock world. He wasn't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but he could mimic with the best of them.

Afternoon classes whizzed by. There was a bit more focus to Dave's day after overhearing that quote. In fact, he made a mental note to check out that movie or play or whatever it was. He struggled to remember the name of the movie, but he did remember some key words. Dave thought the movie was called, 'The Horror of Rocky Franken-something'. But that didn't matter. Through the magic of the Internet, he'd find it. No problem.

Soon, the end of the school day approached. He had a little time to kill before football practice began, but not much. Usually, he just headed towards the locker room and waited. But that day, he was curious about something. And, as luck would have it, his curiosity paid off.

Dave found himself strolling by the lockers, surrounded by fellow classmates trying to get the hell out of school, and others organizing and reorganizing their books and bookbags for that evening's homework. And as he strolled by Rachel Berry's locker, he noticed that she was applying some of that peach-colored lip gloss. He carefully watched what she was doing, how she was doing it, and how she even looked in her mirror in the locker. Dave watched with quiet amazement at how skilled she was at applying it, her careful but quick strokes.

"Finn!" Rachel suddenly barked.

Dave snapped out of his stupor and looked down the hall. Finn was a good ten yards away, looking at a poster for the Cheerios. He didn't seem to hear her.

For all of his intelligence, there was one thing that Dave was not congratulated for – his wit for bullying. And theft.

He quickly walked down the hall and past Finn. And then, he did an about-face and practically smashed right into Finn, sending the quarterback's books scattering on the floor!

"Watch it, Karofsky!"

Dave kept walking back up the hall, towards Rachel. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Hudson! I really, truly am!" Dave even added an evil grin. And then, he flipped his head back to Rachel.

"Hey Berry! Better go help your boyfriend!"

"Oh, Karofsky!" Rachel annoyingly said, "You really are a brute!"

She marched past him, leaving her locker open. He watched her walk right up to him, muttering things like, 'are you OK?' and 'are you hurt?'

Finn and Rachel bent down to pick up their books, as Rachel's locker remained unattended. In the corner of Dave's eye, he saw Santana Lopez laughing about the whole situation with Quinn Fabray, who were walking by.

It worked perfectly.

Dave snuck up to Rachel's locker, snatched the lip gloss, and practically ran down the hall towards the student parking lot. He even had to admit that deviousness has its merits. Sure, a dash of guilt went through his brain at the thought of bullying Finn, but Dave's theft was for a good cause. After all, there are no rules when it comes to love and war.

There were three things that surprised David Karofsky that evening. The first was that he didn't get a speeding ticket racing home. The second was that he was able to do his homework successfully (and just as successfully, ignore his mother for the most part). And the third was finding himself attractive.

Some of his drive was along country roads where the speed limit is 45 miles per hour. Dave easily passed 60. Easy. Even on city roads, there were times he effectively gunned the engine. He was home in record time. Dave hadn't been this excited in a long time.

His mother's arrival soon followed. Her not-so-subtle messages about an improved diet (an indirect way of saying 'you're fat!') were proven when Dave, yet again, saw salad and fat-free dressing as the main course for that evening's dinner. Cru de ta and tofu, along with fat-free yogurt were the side dishes. The beverage Maggie served was iced tea – but sugar was nowhere to be found in that house. Dave was forced to use Splenda, which surprisingly didn't bother him too much. Splenda was the only sugar substitute Dave could tolerate, which pleased his mother. And shutting her up was numero uno on his list.

Dave surprised himself by actually showing interest in his homework. The sociology teacher's homework assignment was to read an article about Stockholm Syndrome – something Dave found himself identifying with. After finishing his geometry and chemistry homework, he was tempted to read that article again. But his eagerness to 'go to bed' was too much for him. So when he announced he was going to bed, his mother was surprised.

"Already?" Maggie asked.

"Yup." Dave answered, with an Emmy-worthy yawn. "Tired. Homework drained me."

"Well, OK. A good night's sleep is good for the pores."

THAT perked his interest. "Really?"

"Oh yes. And it can help reduce wrinkles."

"Really?" Dave asked with even more enthusiasm.

"Yes! But you don't have to worry about that for quite a while."

"I don't?"

"Oh no. And besides, you have enough skin on you to hide ANY wrinkles." She had a twinkle in her eye and an ornery smile. Dave realized this comment was at his expense and all of his interest in her words vanished.

"'Night." And with that he laboriously retreated and went upstairs to bed. And when he got to the top of the stairs, he shook his head. It was an unfruitful effort to rid her words from his brain. It sort of worked.

Sort of.

At first, he began his normal bedtime ritual – he changed into pajamas, went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, urinated, went back to the bedroom, and adjusted his alarm clock. His final step, turning out the light, didn't happen. Instead, he closed his door and locked it. And right when that happened, he stuck his tongue in between his teeth and practically skipped to his bookbag. With shaky fingers, he snatched the container and held it up to the light.

Rachel apparently had sophisticated taste. The container was glass and the label said, "Chanel Levres Scintillantes".

LIP GLOSS. WHY DIDN'T IT JUST SAY THAT?

He chuckled to himself, turning the glass container over and over in his hand. His eyes widened when he turned the shiny handle and loosened it. His heartrate even went up when the handle came off. He stared at the orangy-looking gunk on the foam pad. David Alan Karofsky nearly tripped when he went to his mirror and turned on a nearby desk lamp.

And when he looked at himself in the mirror, he came to a grinding halt, the smile on his face fading. He was about to apply the gloss when, instead, he just stared at himself.

I'M A BOY, Dave thought. He stared at the lip gloss.

I'M A GIRL…

I'M A BOY…

I'M A GIRL…

He looked away momentarily, not realizing what he was supposed to do. Dave was suddenly lost – lost in ways that one shouldn't be. His mind swooned and for a moment, Dave closed his eyes, completely unsure of what he was doing, or who he was, or what he was supposed to be, or…EVERYTHING!

Don't dream it – be it.

His eyes snapped open. And almost without thinking, he clumsily slapped the stick on his lips, watching the shiny liquid splat on his lips. He almost just as instantly tasted it. Both sent him to realizations that he wasn't sure about and didn't know anything about either.

And to his astonishment, he thought of the one person he thought he'd never EVER think about, the one who could understand his confusion, THE one who could help him in this situation…

Rachel Berry. She would know what to do about this. She would know…well, she would know HOW to use this gunk.

Almost angrily, he put the cap back on the container and screwed it shut with more force than necessary. Blasts of disappointment hit him and he almost had to sit down. In fact, he did find his way to the edge of the bed, hands planted over his face. Confusion and mock-deliberation forced him to sit there.

That was until the prison bars of his fingers took his eyes to his desk drawer. And that's when it hit him. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten about it.

Dave practically lunged to the drawer and madly opened it. Buried at the bottom, below his toy cars and model airplane supplies, was the one item that would help him figure this out.

The emerald necklace.

He gently grabbed it, yet with wobbly fingers, put the necklace on. And when that was done, he looked at it, noting how it clashed with his blue shirt. But he didn't care. Dave remembered that the lip gloss was still in his hand. He unfolded his hand and saw the container staring up at him.

With renewed resolve, he went back to the mirror and was appalled at his makeup job. He wiped his lips on his wrist and started over. THIS time, he remembered how careful Rachel applied it and mimicked her job. And when he felt like he had enough coats of the surprisingly tasty liquid on his lips, he bravely went back to the mirror.

Dave nearly fell over. He stood in front of the mirror, watching the light reflect off his lips and the emerald shine like a spotlight. He was beautiful.

I'M BEAUTIFUL.

I'M BEAUTIFUL…MAXINE.

AN: If you have questions let me know. My brother came up with Dave's name. Do you guys like it? I worked so hard on this. I hope it came out OK. More to come. Have A Nice Day!-ILOVESMESOMEGLEEX3