Chapter 3 - Wait
"Easy!" Traci exclaimed, as she met Andy by the back entrance to the barn in the parking lot unable to open the door with her key card due to the fact that she slid the card through the slot too fast.
"Hey…" Andy replied stepping back, and allowing Traci to slide her card through – getting it right in the first try.
"…so I suppose I don't need to ask how things are with Sam?" Traci asked, as they made their way to the locker room.
"…then don't all right!" Andy snapped, and regretted it immediately.
"Ooh - someone's in a foul mood." Gail quipped joining Andy and Traci outside the locker room.
"Bite me!" Andy shot back, as Gail entered the locker room, while she and Traci stood on the outside.
"What's going on with you?" Traci asked.
"I'm sorry all right? I just…" Andy started, but stopped when a group of female coworkers interrupted them entering the locker room throwing an emphatic smile in Andy's direction.
"…you just what?" Traci asked when they were alone again.
"…last night was terrible all right? We had a fight." Andy replied needing to talk to someone.
"So…you had a fight. It's not the end of the world. Find Sam, and talk to him. You need to work this out before either of you put up any more walls it'll take a dozen bulldozers to tear down."
"I'm not sure there are enough bulldozers in the world to tear down what's wrong…" Andy sighed, as she and Traci entered the locker room.
"Brother! Zoe and the girls send their love." Oliver exclaimed grasping Sam's hand, as the two best friends hugged clasping each other on the back.
"Thanks. I've been meaning to call and thank you guys for the food and flowers." Sam thanked his friend knowing that Zoe had probably orchestrated the whole thing.
"Don't mention it…how are things?" Oliver asked, as they started to suit up for an 8-hour shift.
"Things are…you know…" Sam shrugged alerting Oliver to the fact that something was way off.
"…no I don't know, that's why I'm asking you Dimples." Oliver sarcastically replied, as he turned to look at Sam.
"…I don't know…it just seems like Andy's standing on one side of the lake, and I'm on the other, and no matter how much we try and cross that God damn lake we can't." Sam sighed finishing up buttoning his shirt.
"Have you tried talking to her?" Oliver asked.
"Of course…you know…" Sam dodged Oliver's steel glance.
"…oh so you've been letting Andy do the talking, and you haven't told her a God damn thing about how you feel about the miscarriage? I know the feeling brother…" Oliver surprisingly replied making Sam raise an eyebrow at his friend.
"You've never mentioned that before."
"Not exactly something you discuss over dim sum in the cruiser brother. Zoe had a miscarriage several years ago – before we were even married. Almost tore us apart. But it didn't, and you wanna know why?" Oliver divulged shutting his locker.
"Why?" Sam asked mimicking Oliver's action.
"Because I chose to put a stop to my constant need to be the man; you know the testosterone driven man in a relationship, who's constantly on edge, afraid…"
"…I am not afraid!" Sam insisted, but Oliver chose to overhear him, and continued
"…of course you're afraid…we all are. Listen…I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and one of the more pivotal ones happened when Zoe miscarried because I thought like the idiot I was that what happened, happened to her, and it didn't matter what I was feeling. But it did matter, and it does. Because us guys, we may not carry the babies, but we're in it, we're in it brother, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you'll be able to cross that lake, and meet Andy in the middle." Oliver could tell he'd hit pay dirt because instead of making up a lot of excuses Sam was actually listening to him.
"Who knew a woman like Zoe could stand a thick-skull like you for so long?" Sam quipped needing to lighten the mood.
"Don't I know it brother, and look at us now…we've been married for 17 years now, and been together for a hell of a lot longer. All I'm saying is…don't chuck it all away because you guys are on opposite sides. You'll get there brother!" Oliver replied clasping Sam on the back before they made their way to parade.
"All right…the she-devil has left the room – now what happened yesterday? Did the doctor's appointment go badly?" Traci asked knowing Andy had had a follow-up appointment at Memorial the day before.
"The doctor's appointment went fine. He said there'd be no problem in us trying again when we were ready." Andy explained attaching her nametag to her Kevlar.
"That's great news." Traci smiled having feared that the miscarriage would've done irreversible damage.
"Yeah, yeah it is." Andy sighed arranging her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head.
"Then that can't be what caused you guys to fight." Traci reasoned looking intently at her best friend.
"It wasn't – as a matter of fact Sam doesn't even know about it." Andy explained touching a picture attached to her locker of her and Sam. They were sitting on the couch at home, their faces close together, grinning dimples in place.
"He doesn't know?" Traci asked arching an eyebrow.
"He didn't really give me a chance to tell him before he went off on Luke." Andy replied.
"Luke? How does Luke fit into all this?" Traci wondered.
"All right…" Andy sighed closing her locker shut before turning to her best friend to tell her exactly what had happened the previous day.
"It'll be okay." Traci patted Andy's back, as they entered the parade room, and Andy immediately noticed Sam standing with Oliver in the corner of the room. Sam had decided to take a new leap after his talk with Oliver, and gave her a smile, but was confused when she looked away the moment their eyes locked.
"Coppers of 15!" Frank exclaimed bringing the attention of the room to him instead of Sam and Andy.
"What's up?" Oliver whispered at Sam having noticed the exchange of looks between him and Andy as well as the rest of the room.
"Don't know." Sam whispered back, but knew exactly why Andy hadn't returned his smile. Their conversation hadn't ended in the kitchen that night – it had picked up in the nursery, and even though they'd made some headway – they'd also hit a major road block.
Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring streetlights
Sleeping on empty dreams
The vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath
Andy stood by the window in the nursery overlooking the nearby park where she'd envisioned herself walking the stroller in 6 months' time had she not lost their baby. How could everything change in the blink of an eye? Where was the justice in what had happened to them? She sure didn't know, and right now she couldn't see how they were supposed to struggle their way out of the rut they were in.
"The doctor's gave you a sedative later that night." Sam voice spoke from the doorway of the nursery alerting Andy to his presence in the room turning her head slightly, but still facing the window.
"You were distraught, couldn't sleep, and they gave you a sedative so you could get some rest. All I remember is looking at your still form obviously in distress, but sleeping. I put my head on your…stomach…" Sam cleared his throat obviously hit emotionally with the memories of that night.
"…I remember waking up the next morning; you still had your head on my stomach." Andy spoke for the first time since Sam had joined her in the room turning around to face him.
"…yeah…" Sam sighed walking into the room, and sitting down with his back against the boxes containing the crib they'd purchased online a couple of weeks earlier.
"…you have been there for me through everything Sam. Something else I remember from that morning is running my fingers through your hair, and instead of opening your eyes, you just tightened your hold around me. Clutching me. I haven't seen you that relaxed since." Andy moved towards Sam, and sat down next to him.
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years
Sam nodded his head – he remembered that morning very well. He'd been able to let it all go because Andy had slept through the night. He cried holding onto her for dear life until sleep had come and gotten him. Andy had been right – in the moment he'd let go of everything, and he'd been able to relax. And he hadn't been able to do just that ever since because he'd been so focused on Andy and her needs, and forgetting his own.
"I'm so sorry." Sam softly tucked a strand of hair behind Andy's ear, as she leaned into his touch looking down, and finding their fingers locked together – Andy's rings almost glowing in the dark.
"Me too…" Andy nodded her head closing her eyes.
"…come here…" Sam fingered Andy's chin bringing her lips to his kissing her deeply.
"…Sam…" Andy whimpered against Sam's mouth, but when he moved to disentangle their lip lock Andy grabbed a fistful of his shirt pulling him back, and joining them again. Sam smiled against her mouth, as she moved to straddle his lap, and the palm of Sam's hand moved up her back, as the kiss intensified.
"…I love you so much baby…" Sam groaned, as his kisses moved down her throat and Andy leaned her head back giving him greater access to her pleasure points.
"…I love you too…" Andy moaned as Sam's hands cradled her head in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes like he used to do. Sam grinned before their mouths crashed together again with an ill-advised promise to never lose each other again.
The next morning Andy woke up wrapped in Sam's safe embrace. She ran the tips of her fingers up and down his arm caressing his biceps.
"This feels nice…" Sam moaned tightening his hold around her waist.
"…it does, doesn't it?" Andy smiled enjoying having Sam so close again.
"…I've missed you…" Sam confessed kissing Andy's hair.
"…me too…" Andy agreed.
"…you ready for tomorrow?" Sam asked having been worried that she wanted to start work again so soon, but also knew that staying at home for much longer would drive her insane.
"…yeah I am. I've missed everyone. Even Gail." Andy smiled turning around in Sam's arms.
"I've had a talk with Frank, and we've agreed on you starting off slowly with some desk duty, paperwork – the usual drill." Sam tried to explain, but the look in Andy's eyes told him he'd just stepped in some quicksand.
"So let me get this straight…" Andy started changing her position on the floor so she was supported by her elbows creating some distance between her and Sam.
"…Andy…" Sam objected, but Andy continued nonetheless.
"…you went behind my back, and spoke to our staff sergeant about what type of work he should assign me to? Because I'm what…? Weak, inferior or because you see me unfit to wear my badge now?" Andy reeled.
"…that is in no way what I meant. But just being on desk duty didn't exactly end well for you the last time now did it?" Sam hated himself for saying it, but someone had to, and he wasn't about to lose her again.
"Right…" Andy nodded her head before gathering the blanket around her, and walking out of the nursery.
"…Andy. Andy. Andy!" Sam finally shouted, as he watched her retreating back heading in the direction of their bedroom.
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me
And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it
"Finally I just want to take the time to say on cop level to Swarek and McNally you have our deepest condolences, and McNally we're very happy to have you back in the fold again." Frank said looking at Andy.
"Thank you Sir." Andy smiled politely.
"So protect, serve and get back in one piece. Dismissed." Frank ended the parade, as the officers made their way out of the room.
"I guess we'll talk later." Traci shrugged her head watching as Oliver – her partner for the day – started to walk out of the room.
"Yeah, have fun." Andy replied sarcastically, as Traci followed in Oliver's direction, while Andy started for the door, but was stopped by Sam's hand on her arm.
"We need to talk." Sam replied.
"Sorry. I've got work to do. Desk duty remember!" Andy replied sarcastically heading for the door, but Sam kept his firm grip in place on her arm, and closed the door instead.
"We're gonna talk about this!" Sam exclaimed knowing very well that if they didn't talk about what had happened the next move Andy would make would be to do something stupid to put even more space between them.
"Oh! So now you wanna talk? After having pretty much called me inept at my job!" Andy snapped.
"Andy come on! All I'm saying is that desk duty is a good start after everything that's happened." Sam wanted Andy to see that his not wanting her to start off in a cruiser on her first day back had absolutely nothing to do with her capabilities as a cop, but more to do with the emotional havoc the miscarriage was still having on her.
"If that was everything there was to it I might be inclined to believe you Sam, but there's more to it than that, and you know it!" Andy exclaimed pointing her finger at Sam.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sam wondered not liking where the conversation was headed.
"You may not say it, but you blame me don't you? For losing our baby." Andy emphasized when Sam looked like he had no idea what he would blame her for.
"No I don't!" Sam insisted.
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years
"I really thought we made some headway last night…" Andy sadly said.
"…we did." Sam insisted.
"…no we didn't. Because if you trusted me…" Andy started, but was cut off by Sam.
"…I do trust you."
"…on the job then you wouldn't have felt the need to go behind my back, and talk to Frank."
"For heaven's sake Andy! I did that for you. Frank and I are friends, and he's been worried about you, we all have. You need to start trusting the people around you, who care about you, and not let garbage from the past ruin everything you've…we've built together."
"So now it's my fault?" Andy replied walking away from Sam.
"It's not anyone's fault, but can't you see a pattern here?"
"A pattern?" Andy questioned turning around in a swift move.
"We made love last night Andy, for the first time in I don't know how long, and we were happy. You were happy. We were together, and the minute, the minute I tell you about something I did to protect you, you bolt from the room. It seems that every time we take a step forward, we take two steps back. And I for one don't know what more I can do to make you see how much I love you." Sam explained framing Andy's face with his hands.
"This isn't working. This is starting to hurt. Worse than it did before. And I don't know how to fix it." Andy replied placing her hands on top of Sam's before removing them from her face.
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years
"So what are you saying?" Sam asked taking a step back.
"What I'm saying…" Andy started, but couldn't complete the sentence.
"…say it. I'm not leaving this room until you say it. I want to hear the words come out of your mouth. I want you to look me in the eyes, and tell me you don't want me in your life anymore." Sam felt his eyes growing cloudy, and his throat choking up.
"Of course I want you in my life Sam. I love you. But I need…I need some time and space to figure out what to do next." Andy's heart was being ripped to shreds by seeing the man she loved more than anything else thinking she didn't love him anymore.
"Time and space?" Sam nodded his head in disbelief.
"I don't like space because space doesn't involve me doing something. You know it's kinda like time. Time doesn't work for me either."
"All right time and space – two things that don't work for you"
"Pretty much."
You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
"Something is broken inside of me Sam. I thought it was you, but maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem here. I can't watch expectant mothers, babies, children or anything without my own miscarriage playing in a loop in my mind. And there's nothing I can do to stop it, nothing. I can't take the pain anymore, I just can't do it." Tears cascaded down Andy's cheeks, but she didn't care.
"Hey, hey, hey…come here…" Sam pulled Andy into a hug, and she let herself be pulled into his embrace wanting to get lost in him. But that was part of the problem. He couldn't fix her, she needed to fix herself, and no matter how much it hurt she had to let him go – in order to fix herself.
"…Sam I can't…" Andy pulled herself out of their embrace hating herself when seeing the hurt look on his face.
"…Andy…" Sam started towards her, but she turned on her heel, and opened the door looking back at him.
"…I love you so much." Andy simply replied before leaving him behind.
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years
"What do you mean she was gone?" Jerry asked Traci after having put Leo to bed.
"Just what I said. I came back with Oliver this afternoon, and she was gone." Traci replied worried.
"What a mess." Jerry rubbed his face, as there was a knock on the door. Traci immediately ran for the door hoping she'd find Andy standing on the other side of the door.
"Trace?" A soaked Andy stammered.
"Honey…come here…it'll be all right…" Traci consoled, as she received a blanket from Jerry, and wrapped Andy in it.
"I'll go make up the spare room." Jerry announced excusing himself, as Traci led Andy into the living room settling her on the couch.
"What happened?" Traci asked wondering what had happened between Sam and Andy to make her walk around in the rain.
"I've done it for good this time Trace. I've lost him." Andy cried, as Traci gathered her in her arms rubbing her back in soothing circles. Andy's cell vibrated and a photo of Sam working the dimples appeared on the display.
"Hey, it's me. If you don't wanna talk to me, all right I'll wait for your call. I'm not giving up. I love you." Sam ended the call before running from his truck and onto the porch to avoid being drenched. He had spent most of the day looking for Andy, and when he had come up empty he'd suddenly found himself driving an all too familiar road to St. Catharines.
"Sammy?" Sarah asked confused upon finding her little brother on her doorstep.
"Hey Sarah…" Sam walked straight into his sister's waiting arms.
"…hey I've got you, I've got you Sammy." Sarah pulled Sam into a hug, and he collapsed in his sister's embrace thankful to finally being able to let it all go.