Plans Never Work
Chapter Four: In Which Roxas Makes Logical Conclusions
A\N: This is random, utter crack with some parody and what ifs mixed in. It's based off of "What would have happened if Xehanort's crazy plan in 3D had actually worked? What if Axel hadn't saved the day?" Some of it's quite intresting and some, if not all, of it is weird. Luckily for you, as strange as it is, there isn't anything inapropriate here; no cussing, no real pairings or any of the things that come with them and nothing that any one should find offensive. This is humor, plain and simple. It's also my first foray into the KH fandom so any OOC behavior is my inexsperiance with these characters. And... I don't own anything except my own ideas!
"Who ever wins gets to have the body for five minutes and then we switch." Roxas declared to Ven,
"Win what? I'm not playing another game of Simon Says." Ven crossed his arms,
Vanitas spread his arms out and smiled like he was the friendliest guy in the worlds, "I have the perfect idea."
"What?" the two mostly identical blonds asked suspiciously,
"Rock-em Sock-em Robots." Vanitas suggested magnanimously, as if they should be grateful for his idea.
"I call red." Roxas responded.
...
"99 bottles of potions in the bag, 99 bottles of potions. You take a hit and take a sip, 98 bottles of potions in the bag." Xeha-braig-bar sung under his breath, tired of waiting. This was getting boring. It had been supposed to be a quick and dramatic showdown, not a stupid conversation with Sora's current possessor. The only good point was that he was able to watch Xehanort's growing frustration and horror as the old coot was slowing unraveling.
Xeha-braig-bar wondered when the old coot would finally crack all the way.
Regardless, it was still taking a long time.
"95 bottles of potions on the wall..."
No one noticed his musical inclination. He was kind of glad because he thought it would be kind of embarrassing to explain that particular habit he had picked up from Demyx.
...
"I lost?" Ven sighed after the blue robot's head got punch upwards.
"Yeah! It's my body now!" Roxas did a little happy dance. Ven looked like a hurt puppy dog.
"What's got you so down?" Vanitas asked, "You'll get the body in five minutes."
"We're gonna have to deal with Xion." Ven gulped,
Suddenly the smirk left Vanitas's face. "Maybe we can hide?"
Ven looked skeptical of this. "She'd turn into a giant pink thing and beat the crud of us."
"We are so blaming this on Roxas." Vanitas whispered,
"Yeah."
...
Xion's icecream propositions hadn't gone so well so when the next not-Sora came everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
"Whoo! Let go eat some icecream!"
A very short sigh of relief. Now Xehanort was banging his head on his throne and even Mickey groaned. Who was it this time? The heart of Sora's collective hair? An icecream obsessed alien? His twin? His heartless? Goofy's first cousin once removed? Nothing would be surprising at this point. Not even Ansem, the sayer of darkness.
"Oh, come on! Who is it now?" Axel hollered,
"It's me! Can't you tell?" The new not-Sora's hair was turning blonder and rearranging itself, as well as slight changes to his facial structure. The voice was also different. "You should have it memorized."
It was now clear who he was.
"Roxas!" Axel exclaimed,
"Ven?" Mickey raised his eyebrows.
"At least you make sense." Riku remarked, "The others? I have no idea why they were in Sora's heart."
"Number XIII! How's it goin'?" Xeha-braig-bar called out with a slight wave,
"Axel, what are you doing here?" Roxas asked, "I thought you were dead!"
"Don't sound so disappointed," Axel joked,
"Axel, don't." Roxas said, "You're my best friend, I'm happy that you're alive!"
"I have my heart back," Axel mentioned,
"Heh, so do I. Somehow." Roxas looked confused for a moment but shook it off, "So what's going on here. I caught some from Baldalot, something about a thirteenth vessel?"
"I don't even know anymore," Axel confessed, "I think we're all confused about the multiple personality problem Sora has."
"Ah." Roxas nodded slowly, "Hey, you got a keyblade!"
"Yep. Brand new."
"How many are there now?" Roxas wondered, "Does everyone have one nowadays?"
Axel looked around the room, "Yeah. Pretty much."
"There are seven keyblades of light and-" Xehanort providing unhelpfully but luckily for everybody's sanity, Roxas stopped him before he got into the full swing of things.
"Seven? Wait... I got two, Axel has one, then you have Sora's, Xion, Ven, Aqua, Terra, Mickey, Riku and Kairi... Not including whatever happened to that Eraqus dude Ven told me about or Xehanort's original... That's more than seven."
"And thirteen of DARKNESS!" Xehanort declared,
"So some of us have dark keyblades?" Roxas scratched his head,
"I think Mickey's is supposed to be one." Axel shrugged,
"Maybe that weird keyblade of hearts was a dark keyblade." Riku muttered,
"Actually, all of my thirteen vess-"
"Sora has a dark keyblade!" Roxas sat straight up, eyes wide with surprise, "I never knew he had it in him."
"What?" Mickey exclaimed,
"Baldie-beard there was going to claim his vessels have the dark keyblades, right?"
"A clash between pure light and pure darkness to forge-" Xehanort's eyes where freaky yellow orbs, swelling to new sizes.
"That means Sora has a dark keyblade, otherwise he wouldn't make a good thirteenth vessel."
Axel looked at him worriedly, "Are you ok? You're actually being kinda smart."
Roxas groaned, "To much time with Data. He won't shut up."
"Why would Sora of all people have a dark keyblade?" Riku argued,
"It was going to be yours," Roxas said,
"But didn't silver here scare it off when he was being all dark side?" Axel mentioned, "If it was a dark keyblade then Sora would have had to be darker than evil Riku..."
A silence fell. A susurrus. Complete lack of sound.
"Wow," Mickey finally broke it, "I suppose this means that Riku was never that dark even when Maleficent had him."
"Mickey? Riku had his world swallowed in darkness because he was bored." Roxas looked at the mouse questionatly,
"So Sora's evil." Axel stated, almost as if in shock,
"I am going to have a long talk with Vanitas later." Roxas growled. And then the X-blade appeared in his hand.
...
"We're going to have to do it." Vanitas said seriously as he peaked his head over the rock that he and Ven had taken cover with. "Otherwise I don't think we're going to make it."
Ven glanced over the boulder reluctantly. The ground shook. He sighed. "Ok, I understand."
The two quickly summoned their weapons and began to beat each other up while remaining under their cover.
"How much longer?" Ven grunted when Vanitas clubbed him in the side of the face,
"Until it shows up." Vanitas hissed, "But this was a poorly designed way to make a weapon!"
The ground rumbled and the two could tell that the giant footsteps were growing closer,
"Hurry! Harder!" Vanitas cried. The two pounded each other for all they were worth. Suddenly, the X-blade glittered into existence.
"Yes!" Ven cheered,
"Wait..." Vanitas warned, "We'll have to be careful. Remember how easily it broke last time?"
"Yeah," Ven reminisced, "For some all powerful weapon, it sure seems fragile. It broke hundreds of years ago and it broke ten years ago. If it's supposed to be so powerful, then why does it always break?"
"'Wait... does that mean the high and mighty X-blade is useless?"
...
Xehanort's eyes had inflated like hot-air balloons covered with golden lazerbeams. There was the X-blade, everything he had ever wanted lay in his grasp. He let out a cackle and grinned possessively at the weapon. "My precious,"
"You have problems," Roxas said because somebody had to. "What is this anyway? I'm used to two keyblades but... Or can I now quadruple wield or something?"
Xeha-braig-bar shook his head, not understanding why Roxas kept having keyblade fall into his lap. There was a reason he still used his guns. His 'dark keyblade' was a fickle thing that only the Xehanort half of him liked. It didn't like him and he didn't like it. Roxas though, that kid got a new one every time he turned around. It just wasn't fair.
"The X-blade!" Xehanort announced, pointing with on finger,
"Yeah..." Roxas looked around as if Xehanort had lost it. Knowing Xehanort, he probably had but he'd find it again soon and set up an elaborate plan that was too complicated to ever work when far easier options existed.
"Not the Keyblades you and I carry, "χ"... A most ancient letter. Some say "kye", but the meaning is the same. Death... A letter that spells endings." Xehanort corrected,
"So I have the Kairi-blade..." Roxas looked at it, holding it up to the light,
"No! The X-blade!" Xehanort sounded affronted, not understanding how anyone could be so disrespectful to the mythical weapon,
"Whatever," Roxas scoffed, "I like my Oblivion and Oathkeeper better."
"Blasphemy!" Xehanort shouted at him,
"Against what?" Roxas looked skeptical, "What's it even do?"
"It will unlock the way to kingdom hearts and restart the Keyblade War!" Xehanort announced grandly, hands grasping upwards,
"What's a Keyblade War?" Roxas asked. He should have known better because it launched Xehanort into a long, scratchy monologue. It was a definite waste of his remaining time in Sora's body. Especially when all that needed said was that keybearers fought over light and caused bad things. Why they didn't just make more light bulbs, Roxas didn't know. Maybe all the worlds then were medieval or something? "So..." Roxas said when Xehanort had seeming finished, "Where would all these keyblade wielders come from? You just said there's one twenty in the first place. Twenty people isn't a war."
"Do not question my genius!" The bald man declared in return,
"Would random people with keyblades just spawn into existence or something? Be the new heartless or something?" Roxas had a small smile on his face, knowing it would infuriate the bearded one but he was genuinely confused.
"Those who know nothing can understand nothing." Xehanort glowered,
"Nothingness is eternal!" said Xemnas, almost gleefully.
...
"Xion! Please don't kill us! It's Roxas's fault! It was Roxas!" Vanitas screamed shrilly.
"It was Roxas!" Ven cried, "Roxas! Not us! We didn't want him to do it!"
"She's gonna kill us! I'm gonna die!" Vanitas started hyperventilating,
"Hey, wait," Ven clasped his dark side on the shoulder, "It's been five minutes."
"Don't leave me!" He whined, "You're supposed to be the good one! Don't leave me to di-ie!"
"I'm sorry Van but rules are rules." Ven said grimly, "Plus, it'll send Roxas back here."
"Roxas?"
"Who actually kicked her out of Sora's body..." Ven waited for Vanitas to get it,
"A sacrifice!"
A\N: I'm not even going to try to explain this one. I just hope you liked it.