Chapter 4

"It was my fault."

Syed looked at Christian in astonishment and shook his head, opening his mouth as he searched for a response.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I pushed you. Sy. I always did do, but that time, with the wallpaper and Amira and your family… I pushed you too far… and if it wasn't for me none of this would have happened."

Syed sat motionless in his place, the blanket that had been wrapped around him now lay at his feet. He looked down at the half drunk, cold cocoa that had now formed a skin and begged his brain to think of the right thing to say.

"Being with Amira… it was like being on an express train… going along for a ride I wasn't supposed to be on. I never actually thought we'd get married."

"What did you think was going to happen after you proposed?"

The retort cut through Syed's side like a rapier. He hated himself for doing that to Christian. If truth be told, it was probably the worst thing he ever did to him, because without it, none of the other nasty stuff would have had to happen.

"I don't know… I suppose it just seemed like such a long time until the wedding and I kept thinking something would come along to stop it."

Christian had to bite his tongue to stop himself from screaming "what about me?" Instead he pulled himself to his feet and walked over to the window, squinting at the orange glow that came in from the street light. He breathed smoothly and looked on contemplatively and his nose twitched with the scent of the condensation.

"I always got it you know; you and Amira. Why you stayed with her and couldn't tell her the truth. I got it, even though I couldn't comprehend it… and if I thought you could have been genuinely happy with her, I would have let you go."

Syed turned round to face Christian. As he stood by the window, he cut a lonely figure and it took all of Syed's strength not to go over and kiss him right then.

"Funny thing is I actually quite liked Amira. I mean yeah, she could be immature… and superficial… and really annoying when she called me her 'Franck', but she was kinda sweet, you know. I never wanted to hurt her… and I definitely never wanted to hurt you."

As Christian said those last few words, he turned to face Syed. His face was stained with old tears and his eyes were filled with genuine remorse for the heartache he felt he had caused.

"All I ever wanted Sy… all I will ever want… is for you, Syed Masood, to be the happiest version of yourself you can be and anything I have ever done, good, bad or indifferent, I did with your best interests at heart."

Syed gasped silently as he felt his heart flutter in a way that almost knocked him too the floor. He couldn't recall anybody ever saying anything as beautiful to him in his entire existence. Christian's past actions became remarkably clear and Syed suddenly felt his insides pang with guilt.

"I'm so sorry Christian. I'm so sorry that I couldn't be true to myself, even after everyone found out about us."

Christian pulled a chair out from underneath the dining table and sat down heavily, with a look of dejection on his face.

"I… reject… him."

Christian whispered the words and as he did so, felt the same earth-shattering blow in his guts that he had felt on that night. He continued to stare blankly in to the table, tracing his fingers around the knots and along the patternations of the wood.

"I shouldn't have said that."

Christian nodded his head and pursed his lips.

"I understand why you did though. I mean… all you had were ashes."

He lifted his head up and looked directly at Syed, whose expression was now drooping with melancholy.

"That's all I'd left you with."

Syed stood up and walked resolutely towards Christian, taking his upper arms in his hands and seizing them tightly.

"That's all I was left with, because of me! Because of my own stupidity… and ignorance… and self-defiance; not because of you!"

As he grasped even tighter on to his arms, Syed leant in so that his face was within a few centimetres of Christian's and made his voice stern.

"You were offering me everything I had ever wanted on a plate, and I still chose not to take it… and the things I did to you that night… the things I said… in front of everybody… I will never forgive myself for that."

The realisation that the other had been harbouring these feelings of guilt and blame for so long, dawned on both men and while words continued to escape them it felt right to embrace. Syed wrapped one arm around Christian's back and held his head tightly in the other and instinctively, they both said,

"I'm sorry."

Syed had poured himself a glass of milk and returned to the settees where Christian was now sitting. As he contemplated momentarily where to put himself, Christian patted the space next to him and smiled reassuringly. As Syed took his seat, Christian placed his hand on his thigh and stroked it lovingly with his thumb. It was the most comfortable either man had felt since returning home and in that moment an air of contentment and calm descended on to them.

"I'm sorry, Sy. I was so selfish; I didn't think about the repercussions of what I was doing, I just did them, because I thought it was for the best."

Syed placed his hand on top of Christian's and interlaced his fingers with his.

"I know!"

Syed spoke pleadingly; desperate for Christian to believe his words.

"Christian, listen to me. I don't have anything but good thoughts and feelings when it comes to you. All of the stuff that you're on about… my family… my community… Amira… they all hate me, because of me and my actions. I understand that every single thing you did, was because you loved me and unlike everyone else, actually cared about me being happy. You're the only person, who has ever made me feel like I counted… like I mattered. "

Christian smiled at the analogy and lifted his hand to Syed's face, brushing his fingers across his cheek and through his bedraggled hair. He had never imagined being able to love something so much, and to have him love him back felt like the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Now I don't have a single ounce of bitterness towards you, Christian; all I have is love. And all of those things that happened between us… all of the pain… and the tears… and the heartbreak; I don't regret any of it, because all it's done is make me appreciate you even more."

Christian's eyes melted in to Syed as he spoke and he felt his heart reignite; fluttering in a way that warmed his previously cold soul.

"It's our history, Christian and without it, we wouldn't be where we are today."

Christian's brow furrowed and his tone became breathy and serious, as it tended to when he was concerned.

"But you've had to give up so much, Sy"

Syed shook his head and laughed through an exasperated sigh,

"They gave me up! And until they decide to change, there's absolutely nothing I can do to make them understand… and yes, it's a sad situation, and yes there are times my heart breaks when I think I might never be a part of my family again… might never get to see my brother grow up… but it has to be this way. I can't not be myself any more."

Syed moved closer to Christian and rested his hands on either side of his face, finding the coarseness of his stubble oddly comforting.

"Now I've come to terms with that and I can live without being a part of them… but being in that fire tonight and feeling like you were slipping away from me… well that made me realise that I can't live without being a part of you… of us."

He used his hands to pull Christian's face gently towards him and delicately pressed their lips together with the lightest of barely-there touches. The hairs on the back of Christian's neck stood on end and his bottom lip quivered with expectation…

Thanks for reading this penultimate chapter; I really hope you're enjoying the story. Please feel free to leave a review :-)