Chapter 4:
A/N: Well, here it is. My master piece of hilarity. Seriously, this one was making me crack up and I could barely type it. I hope you enjoy! As always, Please R&R! Ideas are also welcome, and no flames please. :) I am a bit disappointed in the amount of reviews I have gotten Surely, there would be at least 10 people nice enough to do that for me... :( well, I guess it will have to get more popular first. Anyhow, this time I am shooting for 10 again reviews before I upload chapter 5. (And this time, I really will follow through with withholding chapter 6 until I get more reviews!) Keep up the cycle of love! :) If I have made mistakes, I heartily apologize. Please don't go all grammar ninja on me! I don't make a whole lot of them, but when I do 9 times out of 10 I notice after it's already been uploaded. Well anyhow, on to the story!
With love,
Arty's Girl.
Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. If I did, this would be a magical and beautiful parallel universe where it rained chocolate :)
Dr. J. Argon limped excitedly down the hall towards Artemis's room. A new personality! What a development! This is just excellent. He beamed. The longer Fowl stays cooped up in my hospital, the better. The last celebrity we had here didn't stay long enough- but he stopped, because Opal Koboi's escape was not a pleasant memory, and right now he was so happy he could barely feel the pain in his hip.
He had reached the door. He stopped, took a deep breath, drew up to his full height, and prepared himself to meet the new personality. Dr. Argon smiled again and opened the door.
"Artemis! I see you are awake. Tell me, how are you feeling?" he asked as he strode over to check the medical machines next to the bed.
Artemis screwed up his face is disgust.
"Artemis? Eww, no. that guy is sooo lame. Not to mention OCD, and boring. Plus he uses way too many big words that I can't understand."
Dr. Argon looked up from his examinations. He raised an eyebrow and pretended to be surprised. (Truthfully, he was also hiding some laughter).
"Not Artemis? Hmm, I see. Do you know who I am?"
Artemis rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Dude. I live inside his brain. I'm not stupid."
Dr. Argon blinked in honest surprise at the ridiculous (and yet satisfying) sight of the word "dude" escaping the teenage human's mouth.
"Well then. I don't suppose you would like to introduce yourself?"
Artemis grinned.
"Yeah man, my pleasure. I'm Apollo. You know, like god of the-"
"Yes, yes, I'm familiar with him." Argon interrupted impatiently. Enthused, he pulled up a chair to Artemis's bedside. "I am a doctor, after all. However, I am not familiar with you. Why don't you tell me about yourself?" he continued eagerly.
Apollo looked a little miffed at being interrupted. Then he grinned again. He suddenly had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes that Argon didn't much care for.
"Can I answer a question with a question?"
The doctor frowned but nodded. "Well, I suppose so."
"If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how much are moving pictures worth, like a movie?" he gave a crooked smile.
"Uhh...Hmmm…. well I… I suppose they are worth-"
"And how much is a song worth?" he cut in. "And here's the big question: how much is a real live event worth?"
Argon was flustered. He had no idea where the mud boy was going with this, but he had a little worry feeling in his stomach that tried to clue him in. He didn't like feeling unprepared.
"Young man, I have no idea what-"
"You know what the problem with you is?" Apollo mused. "You are wayyy too uptight. You should take lessons from me on how to loosen up, let go a little. Have some fun." He winked. "In fact Doctor, I know just the thing we can do for you." He laughed and gave a wicked little smirk.
And before Argon knew what was happening, Apollo had yanked the medicine drip from his arm and tore off all of the sensors on his chest and head. The machines began to panic and made a squealing noise that sounded like the hissing of a teapot.
Dr. Argon leaped to his feet.
"Artemis!" he cried. "What are you doing?"
"I told you dude. It's not Artemis; it's Apollo," he said, and threw off the covers of the bed, directly onto Argon's head. Then he jumped up, picked up the bundle of yelling and protesting fairy and covers, and stuffed it onto the bed. He ran around to the head of it and pushed. The wheels began to roll.
"Hey!" Argon tried to say, but his mouth was full of sheets, and all that came out was "Aahheyyyyggghhh!" He couldn't grab the com link that was on his wrist because his arms were wrapped up too tightly to move them.
Suddenly he lurched backwards onto the pillow as the bed began to move. Artemis pushed it straight to the door, threw it wide open, and careened out into the hallway. With the speed of a charging bull, he ran along it, laughing hysterically and pushing the nearly flying bed in front of him, with bouncing Argon screaming all the way.
"I think I've picked up enough speed now," he yelled. "Surf's up! Hahahahahahahahahaha!" And he sprung up onto the mattress and stood on it, bracing himself like, well, like a surfer.
Nurses and patients began peeking out of doors all down the hall to see what in Frond's name could be making such an awful racket. They were greeted by the beautiful sight of Artemis's hospital gown flapping open wildly in the wind as he zoomed by precariously. What a nice way to wake up from your nap.
"Here comes a door to somewhere!" yelled Artemis, or Apollo, gleefully.
"Here comes a what?!" yelled Argon, terrified.
"HERE COMES A DOOR! I THINK IT'S TO THE CAFETERIA!" screamed Apollo with joy.
"NOOOOO!" Argon cried, anticipating the awful crash that would soon ensue.
"GUESS WE WILL FIND OUT!" cackled the mad mud man.
They both screamed for two very, very different reasons. Little did either of them know, but there was about to be a little more chaos than a loud bang and a crash here.
[Holly's POV]
Holly found Butler in the cafeteria. Her first instinct was to go to the gym, where he was surely working off the stress of keeping watch by Artemis's bedside almost constantly. It had been very difficult for him to get used to the idea that Artemis was safe in his room without his body-guard. Butler didn't necessarily trust people alone with his charge (or his charge to be alone).
However, it had been a week since he had woken up, and Juliet had finally convinced him that Artemis would be okay. He was constantly monitored, after all. Under normal circumstances, a week of convincing would not have done it. A week of convincing would have gotten you punched. But these were not normal circumstances, and Butler finally gave in due to the fact that Foaly or one of the others would come and visit every day.
And this is why Holly found him in the cafeteria, taking a very short break to get food and go back to Artemis.
She walked over to the line when she got there, because it was easy to spot his slouching (the ceiling was lower than he was used to) and hulking figure above the crowd of fairies. He was ordering a few salads (one obviously wouldn't do it) and some soup.
"Butler?" she came up beside him. He looked down at her and gave a respectful nod.
"Major Short."
She smiled that he got the title right. Unlike some doctors these days…
"…And that will be all," he finished and took his food back to a table where Holly joined him.
"So, Butler," she started, "I just came from Artemis's room, and I thought you would be interested in knowing that he has developed a new personality. When I left, Argon was about to go check on him."
Butler raised an eyebrow.
"A new one?"
"Yep."
"What is he like?" he asked.
Holly rolled her eyes. "Not any more lovable than the first one."
"Orion?"
"Yeah. That idiot. Well, this one seems to have, if possible, even less of a filter from his mind to his mouth."
Butler gave her a look but did not ask.
"So, does this one have a name?"
"He is calling himself Apollo, like the god of the sun. He's… an odd duck, you'll have to see for yourself." She stated.
"Hm," said Butler. "Should I go now, so that I can catch him in this personality? Or do you think it will stay awhile?"
"Oh, I think it's gonna stay," she reassured him. "He's hard to get rid of, it seems like."
BAM!
"SO IT IS THE CAFETERIA!" Apollo yelled over the din of chatter as the bed burst through the doors and hurtled towards a table.
The table that Butler and Holly just happened to be sitting at.
"OH FROND!" yelled a muffled and agonized Argon from inside the bundle Apollo was sort of standing on. "SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING!"
Too late.
Holly looked away from Butler when the doors banged open. She was now staring, open-mouthed and horrified, at a delusional Artemis (who was a little too breezy in the undercarriage) surfing on top of a pile of blankets and a hospital bed headed straight for their table. Butler instinctively jumped out of the way and stretched out his arms to try to stop the thing before it crashed, or catch Artemis as he fell.
Unfortunately for Holly, neither of those things happened. She jumped up a second too late, and CRASH!
In a jumble of arms, legs, blankets, and food, Holly was launched onto her back where a scantily dressed Artemis landed none too comfortably on top of her.
The next thing she knew, the grinning idiot was laughing. Then he said, "Afternoon, Major Short. Today must be my lucky day to land dressed like this on such a beautiful woman."
A/N: So, how was it? Pretty funny right? Please say yes, 'cause I will feel like the only weirdo besides my siblings who think it is. :) Please please R&R? Pretty please with chocolate on top (instead of cherries, which I don't like)? :) Feel free to give constructive criticism, just be nice. And no flames, once again! :) Eager for chapter 5? I know I am!
With love,
Arty's Girl.