The three Pelicans soared over the streets of New Mombassa, engines thundering. Cortana had intercepted a Covenant transmission and was busy deciphering it. "It just repeats. 'Regret. Regret. Regret.'"
Johnson laughed. "'Dear Humanity,'" he cracked, "'we regret being alien bastards. We regret coming to Earth. And we most definitely regret that the Corps just blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!'"
The pilots in the Sergeant's dropship shouted their approval. "Oorah!"
Cortana rolled her eyes. "No. It's a name, Sergeant. The name of one of the Covenant's religious leaders—a Prophet. He's on that carrier and he's calling for help."
"Why the Little Debbie is he here?" wondered the Chief.
A Marine sniper-spotter team checked the ground and radioed in, "Grid Kilo Two-Three is hot. Rep—oh, what the hell does that mean anyway?" The soldier speaking picked up a rocket launcher. "Mommy said she'd take me to McDonald's to get me a Happy Meal, but I don't have a Happy Meal! GOD DAMN IT! YAAAAAAAAHH!" A rocket trailed smoke as it flashed from the barrel of the weapon and blew the approaching mob of Grunts to gory blue smithereens.
Sergeant Johnson covered his ears against the "fucks" and "dammits" being broadcast. "We're goin' in. Get tactical, Marines!"
"Stand by to—whoa..." One of the pilots broke off at the sight of a gigantic, metallic—
"Is that a dung beetle?" asked the Master Chief.
A huge plasma shot struck the dropship's tail.
"AAAAAGH!"
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Cortana was answered by a birdlike screech of agony. "GIGGLEBLURT! WHY THE MXYZPTLK DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!"
Gunshots rang out from somewhere ahead.
Johnson shouted orders, and the surviving Marines plus the stunned-silly Chief groggily made their way down an alley into a courtyard. Drones swarmed overhead, while Jackals formed crude shield walls at opposite ends of the area. The Chief popped the first Elite he saw, then fed the lesser extraterrestrial soldiers a deadly blend of ammo and plasma. A Grunt gibed, "Air breather!" and was promptly dispatched with a burst to the chest.
Someone spoke from a loudspeaker off in the distance, speaking in Swahili and English. "Msijalie magari yenu, kuwa ni shabaha ya kushambuliwa na maadui. Yaachieni njiani na elekeeni kimbilioni. Don't bother about your cars, they are targets for enemy attacks. Leave them in the road and head toward refuge."
"Yeah, I bet, amigo," said a Marine, rolling his eyes and toying with the plasma rifle he clutched.
The Master Chief huffed and puffed as he ascended a staircase to get to an M247 machine gun. "Mendoza, maybe you should get up here!"
"I'm Corporal Perez, sir!"
"My bad!" the Chief said as he sat in the turret, just as a Phantom dropship delivered a fresh load of Elites, Grunts and Jackals. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed like a serial killer. Instead of victory, the Covies tasted defeat and .30-cal.
Perez cried, "Wahoo!" and took up a position at the gate, only to be sent flying by the pair of Hunters that broke through it. The Corporal's body bounced off the Master Chief's helmet, but he didn't stop giving the walking tanks hell. Orange pulp splashed all over the concrete.
The SPARTAN did a disco victory dance. "HIGH SCORE! WOKKAWOKKAWOKKA!"
Another Marine peeked out from behind some boxes. "Corporal Mackenzie reporting, sir!"
The Master Chief glanced at Mackenzie and asked, "What's that you got?"
The Marine revealed a pornographic magazine. "I found it in that box I was hiding in."
The Chief inspected the box. "Hmm...cool!" He lifted the receptacle and crouched within it. Slowly but surely, he crept down another alleyway. "I like it in this box. I think it was my destiny to be in it." As he rounded the corner, a beam of purple light flashed past him. The Marines shouted and rolled behind cover.
"Great," Cortana groaned, "Jackals with beam rifles."
Another shot punctured the box and just about took his head off. The Chief screamed, stood up and ran behind a pillar. He looked through the hole and activated his suit's zoom function. "Aha." He raised his head and instantly ducked to avoid another blast. "Crap!"
After a few seconds, the Master Chief dared to take a look. What he saw disgusted him—a Jackal humping a Marine's corpse. "Eww! Horny, horny Jackal!" A battle rifle burst sufficed to end the alien sniper's existence.
"HOTEL ZANZIBAAAAAAR!" The Master Chief felt glad to drive a Warthog again. He honked the horn at the startled Elites, who didn't have time to react as he ran them over. Jackals peppered the 'Hog with fire, so he decided to take cover in a burnt-out McDonald's. The super soldier crawled behind the counter, slightly aware of the puerile Marine spotter attempting to order food.
"I want a Happy Meal with extra cheese on the Big Mac."
The Chief looked up at him. "You do know this whole place is evacuated and destroyed."
"You think?" said a voice. A cashier popped his head up and looked around. "I'm the only local employee left. The Covenant may be here for twenty-four hours, but so is this eatery. And, sir," he continued to the baby-faced black man, "Big Macs don't come in Happy Meals."
The soldier began to complain, but the sound of a Warthog engine shut him up. The cashier walked over to the order speaker and said, "Welcome to McDonald's. How may I take your order?"
A pause, then a gruff voice said, "Speak!"
"You first!" replied a second, squeakier voice.
"Um...sir?" said the man, a bit uneasy.
"I want one of...uh...your human...uh, I mean...never mind...I want the...Big 'N' Tasty meal!"
"Anything else?"
"Oh oh oh! Me want chocolate chip cookie!" said the second voice.
There was the loud sound of a blow landing, followed by a shout of "Shut up!"
"Sir?"
"Um...three of your sweet, delectable, brown circle things...I mean, cookies!"
On any other day, this conversation would have left the Master Chief scratching his head. But today, he had a very, very bad feeling.
"Do you want to Super Si—"
"NO! ME SCARED OF SUPER SIZED THINGS!"
"QUIET! Yes, yes, yes, everything!"
"Oookay...I'm the only one here, so you'll have to wait."
"Hurry up, human!" snarled the first speaker. "Uh...I mean, uh...person!"
The Master Chief crept around back, into the Drive-Thru. He gulped as he spotted his Warthog at the menu, manned by an Elite and two Grunts. He prepared to fire on them, when the cashier yelled, "Hey! Don't leave me here!"
The Chief ran back inside and yelled, "But—but—but—the Covenant—"
"SIT. DOWN. SIR."
The SPARTAN shut his flapper and took a seat.
"Sorry about that, sir," said the cashier to the unseen aliens in the Drive-Thru. "So, some weather we're having?"
The hidden Elite said over the speaker, "Your planet's...uh, I mean, city's airborne pathogens are causing mucus to leak out of my anus."
The cashier groaned. "Okay...twenty-four fifty-six at the second window please."
The Warthog pulled up to the window, and the cashier walked out of sight. There was a pause, then a cry of "HEY! THOSE AREN'T CREDIT CARDS!" followed by the sound of plasma fire, and the thud of a smoldering corpse. The cashier's arm stuck out on the other side of the wall, still holding the bags of food. The Marine spotter finally yelled, "WAAAAAHH! I WANT MY GODDAMN HAPPY MEAL!" BOOM! The spotter was blown apart by a plasma grenade, and his remains landed near an advertisement poster for the fast-food restaurant's new 3.49 McOyster Meal.
The Master Chief was already firing through the window, where the barely-alive cashier groaned, "Would you like ketchup with that, sir...?" and kicked the bucket. The 'Hog scooted forward, leaving him face-to-face with the Grunt aiming the light antiaircraft gun. "CRAP!" He dove for cover as fifty-caliber rounds punched holes in dry wall. The Chief screamed into the COM, "Johnson! Perez! ANY EBSK FORCES! SPARTAN One-One-Seven is pinned down at the McDonald's on Garvey Boulevard! HELP! HELP!"
Suddenly, Sergeant Johnson came running with a beam rifle in hand. "Eat this!" The Elite had no time to scream before the fuschia particle beam hit the head of the Grunt it had used, at the last second, as a shield. The alien peppered the man's groin with two plasma rifles. Johnson gripped his nether regions in agony, but his genitals were still intact. "You're gonna pay for that!"
The Elite's sadistic laugh was cut off forever by the Sergeant's immense manhood breaking its jaw and forcing the body part into its brain. Johnson looked for the other Grunt.
The five-foot extraterrestrial was sitting on a bench with a statue of Ronald McDonald and reading a newspaper upside-down. Johnson, of course, was not fooled in the least, and yanked the paper out of the Grunt's hands and said, "Find something interesting?"
The Grunt didn't bring its plasma pistol into play in time. The Sergeant removed its breath mask and watched smugly as it flailed and gagged.
"YOU LIKE THAT?! YOU LIKE THAT, YOU SPLIT-CHINNED BASTARDS?! I EAT YOU GUYS FOR BREAKFAST AT IHOP!"
Sergeant Johnson pumped shotgun shell after shotgun shell into the Covenant troopers guarding an immense energy cannon on a stretch of East African beach. "I just love being a nonplayable character! Infinite ammo, all the time!" He frowned suddenly as a problem presented itself. "Chief, show me something to fuel my rage."
"Gotcha," replied the Chief. He handed the Sergeant a music CD from the dead spotter's pocket.
"50 Cent?! 50 CENT?! I HATE HIM! ALL HE DID WAS GET SHOT NINE TIMES! I GOT BOREN'S SYNDROME FROM A CRATEFUL OF PLASMA GRENADES!" He continued his rant all through their attacks on the cannons. "ALL THEY THINK IS THAT YOU NEED BLING TO GET A GIRL, BUT THAT AIN'T TRUE! IT'S THE SIZE OF YOUR SCHLONG! THAT'S WHY I LIKE THE BACKSTREET BOYS!"
"JUST SHUT THE FART UP ALREADY!" yelled the Chief.
At that moment, one, then two, then three, then four Drones landed on the hood of the Warthog. The Master Chief screamed like a girl and swerved to the right, causing a rollover. Johnson fell down a manhole, yelling "I'm larger than liiiiiiife!"
The Warthog tilted back up and the Marine in the gunner's position blazed away at the bugger quartet. The Chief was running away in the other direction.
"Where the hell are you going? You can't leave them there!" shouted Cortana.
"I. HATE. BUGS!" The Master Chief hopped into a nearby garbage can and closed the lid over his head. He had to scrunch up, so he poked out eyeholes to see.
Cortana sighed. "Does this, by any chance, have anything to do with your nightmares after you watched Starship Troopers last week?"
"Ugh...they look like Hoppers that fly instead of hop," the SPARTAN muttered disgustedly by way of answer.
"C'mon, Chief!" Cortana goaded jokingly. "'Service guarantees citizenship!'"
"STOP SAYING THAT!" screamed the Chief, poking the barrel of his SMG out one of the holes.
The AI had had enough. "They're just giant houseflies! What's the big deal?"
"They'll take my head off! I don't wanna get decapitated! It happened to Raczak's Roughnecks!"
Suddenly, there came screams of "Run! Run! Run! Run!" from the Marine, who carried the dazed Sergeant Johnson in her arms. The gung-ho man groaned, "They can have the rest of me...just don't let them get my manhood!" He showed her his erection and a combat knife. "Here...cut it off and put it in a pickle jar and leave me behind!"
WHACK!
"And remember to tuck it in and kiss it goodnight!" the Sarge continued, unfazed by the karate chop to his head.
As the Master Chief slowly poked his head out from the shelter of the garbage can, a Drone landed right next to him and pointed its overcharged plasma pistol right in his face. Something hit it on the noggin and it fell over dead. The Chief looked at what had killed it, only to see the Marine's truncated head staring at him. He screamed and jerked back, falling out of the can. He picked up Johnson by a leg and dragged the Sergeant after him into the Warthog. "SAVE ME, JOHNNY RICO!" screamed the Chief at the top of his lungs.
"CHIEF! SLOW DO—" BAM! "OWWWW!" screamed Johnson as the speeding 'Hog ran over a speed bump, causing extreme agony in his nether regions. The Warthog continued into a long dark tunnel, where they all had to fight off tons of Covenant forces. In other words, it was a long, boring fight, and the Chief simply decided to drive past most of the enemies. "Wheee!"