Dear Evan Hansen,
I know I haven't emailed you in two days. My parents took away my phone. I got caught drinking, and apparently they don't like that. Even so, I want to see you again. I know I've said that, like, a million times, but I really mean it. I need to see you. You're the light of my life. I love you.
Sincerely,
Me
That really was the first email in two days. Since I didn't hear from him, I assumed he didn't want to continue anything and he regretted saying anything. I talked about it in therapy, saying it was all hypothetical, and the doctor said that I should just wait it out… And I did. I waited for two days before my phone buzzed twice-the e-mail vibration. When I checked it, and it was him, my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe that it was Connor again! I desperately wanted to talk to him, about what had happened at his house. After we kissed, I heard a car pull up, and when Connor peeked outside to see a black SUV, he urged me to bolt. I barely made it to the kitchen before the door opened, and I was pretty much sure we had been caught. All I could hear was arguing, with a young girl's-Zoe's-voice complaining about something or other. Connor screamed back, and I knew it was time to leave. The only word I caught was "banging" coming from Connor. It was time to go, for sure. So, I did. Straight out the back door and around the house, legs shaking and palms sweaty as I ran towards the bus stop.
Now, it was the day before school started up again. Senior year for both of us. The days his phone was gone was two wasted days that we could have used to see each other. But I was still uncertain-am I really gay? Do I really like Connor? None of this made sense, at all. I had always liked girls.
Mom didn't have any cash on her, so I had to email Connor back. I couldn't make it, as much as I wanted to. An instant two buzzes, and Connor offered to meet me at my house and pay for my bus fare. I wouldn't owe him, it said. Well, really, it said,
Dear Evan Hansen,
I need to see you. I still have cash from my parents. I'll be at your house soon, so wait outside and take the damn money. I won't take no for an answer.
Sincerely,
Me
Something I suddenly noticed was that Connor always signed his emails as "Me." It was strange, as if he didn't want anyone to know it was him. That must have been the point of his secret email address. If anyone found out he was gay, things would get so much worse for him. He was already angry enough at school, and if people were bullying him, I couldn't imagine what he would do. But I listened, and I stood outside on the front stoop.
"Evan. I'm here. C'mon, I want to go to the orchard. Oh, and we're sitting separately on the bus." He commanded. It wasn't forceful, like he talked at school. Instead, it was more urgent. He definitely was dying to go there. I took the five dollars, then watched as he ran ahead of me to the bus stop. Almost as soon as I caught up, the bus pulled up and stopped, the doors squeaking as they opened. I quickly went inside, handing the man my fare, then sitting down next to an old woman on the nearly packed bus. Please don't talk to me, I thought. Please don't.
Then, Connor dumped the money into the driver's hand and trudged over to the back, where no one was sitting. It was next to the bathroom, and I assumed that it smelled pretty bad for an entire section to be vacant. The bus pulled away, and off we went.
When we reached the stop outside A la Mode, I got off before Connor, who immediately started walking towards the orchard. I hurried behind him, trying to catch up, before suddenly stopping. Terrified, I realized that I recognized the voices of three boys outside A la Mode. One was Jared, and the other two were his real friends. I begged and pleaded to whatever god there may be to let them not notice me. And thank god, they didn't.
As soon as I made it into the orchard, I saw Connor standing on a tree branch. It definitely wasn't an apple tree, since it was so tall, but it too was lacking any leaves. Dead, just like the rest of the orchard.
"Climb with me." He said again, his voice much gentler. "I want to see the sky from all the way up there. And I want you with me. So follow me."
"Uh, sure. Just how high are we going, exactly?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly. He just smiled at me in a goofy way I had never seen before. It was really nice. I actually… It made me really happy to see him like that. I decided that climbing the tree was the best plan, even though I had a slight fear of heights, and followed Connor up. We went up, and up, and up, on opposite sides of the tree, until we were veeeeery high. In fact, too high. I was really, actually, super scared, and Connor could tell. His gentle voice started again, saying,
"It's beautiful up here. Look up, Evan. Not down. Look up at the sky, and the sun. You can see all of the clouds for miles. It's wonderful."
"I see it… It is really beautiful. I wonder what it's like to be a bird, able to see this all the time." I mused. Then came the crack, and the split, and the fall.
When I came to, Connor was kneeling over me, shaking my torso. My arm was numb, and I had no idea what was going on. Why was I on the ground? Why did my arm feel so weird?
"Evan, oh, god. You're not dead. Oh, Christ… I was so scared. You've been out cold for ten minutes. I tried calling an ambulance, but I have no signal, and I couldn't just leave you… Your arm looks terrible. It looks like it's split in two. It shouldn't be bending like that… Oh, god, this is all my fault. I'm sorry." Oh, it was Connor. What were we doing here? We were in the orchard, and we were on top of the tree, but after that I didn't remember.
"Why are you apologizing? The tree broke, I think. My arm feels… Really weird. Can you, uh, call someone? An Uber or something?"
"Y-yeah! C'mon, just don't move your arm too much… Fuck, that looks terrible. I'm so sorry, Evan. I'm so sorry." He said, tears welling up in his eyes. Connor was… Crying? He was actually crying? That was… Weird, to say the least. Connor was a tough guy, shoving people out of the way at school and yelling at people to fuck off. Him crying was the last thing I expected. And the last thing I expected to happen was for me to begin crying, too.
It was after my arm was in a cast that Connor hastily told me he needed to leave. The doctors had called my mom, and he couldn't stick around to see her. He leaned over and kissed my cheek, then sped off. Then, the tears came had given me painkillers, so I wasn't crying from pain… This time it was longing. I wanted to be with Connor. I wanted him to stay. But my mother would be there any moment, having left work early, and I couldn't be seen with the biggest troublemaker in school. My mom wouldn't allow it. And how would she feel about a gay relationship? I had no idea what side she was on in the debate. She never talked about it at home, and she never watched the news with me.
"Mom, what do you think about gay people?" I said immediately after she arrived.
"Evan! Oh my god, what were you thinking?! The park ranger is gone already? God, I never should have let you take that job. It was a terrible idea. Evan, you're going to have to sit out of gym class, and you're going to have trouble showering, and doing chores… And you're a lefty! How are you going to hold a pencil? Never climb a tree that high again!" She scolded. Her voice had zero anger in it, though. Just terror, and concern.
"I'm fine, mom. They did a scan and I don't have a concussion or anything. I was just knocked out for a minute. I'm fine."
"Knocked out?! They never told me that!"
"Only the ranger knew that. Now, what do you think about gay people?"
"Gay people-what are you talking about? Are you high on painkillers? They probably gave you a ton, didn't they? Oh, no…"
"I want to know. What do you think of gay people?"
"Well, I don't really think it's normal. Gay people should seek therapy for their condition. Wait, that doesn't matter! Oh, honey, I can't believe you got hurt like this."
There goes coming out to her. If I decided I really am gay, that is. Then, I continued,
"I'm fine, mom."
"Are you sure? They really said no head injury?"
"Surprisingly, no. Can you take me home now?"
"Yes, of course. Let me just talk to the doctor."
And then she kissed me on the cheek, the same spot as Connor, and left.