Things have not been going very well as of late. I cannot even begin to describe how furious I was with Grimmjow (and the nurse who tried to make me eat pickled cucumber, and Yamamoto that trash bag, and society at large) last night, lying in bed with a ridiculous cast around my writing arm – though that hardly matters seeing as I am ambidextrous, although this accounts for the untidiness of my handwriting.

But that is not the point. I have no idea how I am going to endure an entire week of chores with Grimmjow. It's not just frustrating, it's exhausting and stressful. I admit Grimmjow might be tolerable from a distance, in small doses, preferably from behind a glass panel, but not allthetime. The initial anger from realization has subsided now. It's more like a nascent weariness. Dread and self-pity, yes.

I have been sent to detention. I have been sent to detention, and repeating this only makes it sound even more illogical. Yamamoto-sensei has sentenced me to detention for "an unruly public exhibition of animalistic behavior" and I have never been more mortified in my life. It happened whilst Aizen was giving out his invitations to his party, which I had known about for quite a while, being close to him and all. I had not known about Aizen's plans to invite Grimmjow…Aizen always manages to catch me off guard. People say the more time you spend with someone, the more you understand the way they think, how they act. I understand Aizen less and less, because he changes indefinitely and I cannot keep up. Of course I was unhappy about it, though I could not possibly confront Aizen-sama, hence I did the next best thing, which was to confront Grimmjow. It did not go very well – before I could desist, I'd hit him across the face. There were shouts and gasps all around us, I suppose they expected Grimmjow to be the one to make the first move. He certainly didn't hold back after that, but neither did I. Experience eventually triumphed, and I heard this strange crack sound and there was a vague feeling of something…disconnecting. When the nurse arrived I realized Grimmjow had broken my arm. Then we were sentenced to detention, and I now am unable to spend the week with Aizen. I will see him on his birthday, yes, but it isn'tthesame. The night in the hospital was horrible, not so much because of the facilities but all the little things. The drugs and the feel of heavy, hot liquid in the back of my mind, misplaced thoughts, my phone just out of reach, insomnia. I fell asleep too late and woke up too early. I had a reason, though…

This morning, Aizen-sama flew to Chiba with some of the other invitees on the 7am flight. Against all orders and advice by the doctors, I snuck out of the hospital to catch him before his plane departed. He was in the bookshop browsing The Guardian with Ichimaru Gin whom I think was reading some book on teenage pregnancy. Aizen…I'm afraid looked decidedly irritated to see me, but it was probably because I'd left the hospital before I was even supposed to. I wished him a good journey, and asked him if it was possible for him to well, excuse me from detention, since he's the student president and has some authority over minor cases like mine. I know my hopes weren't particularly high, but his "no" was…crushing.

He probably did the right thing anyway, or people might accuse him of bias. The student president needs to set a good example after all. Yet no matter how many logical explanations I could come up with, nothing could really ease that throbbing feeling inside my body, that traitorous bastard. I guess I really wanted some sort of…reassurance after the turmoil of last night. But I'm okay now. I think. I waved through the glass as they went into the departure hall. Aizen waved once. There have always been schisms between Aizen and I, even if I can't see them sometimes – I am never good enough for him.

Then on the train ride back, I got a message, and I couldn't breathe for a moment when I saw Aizen's name appear in my inbox with all my other saved messages from him. For a moment I thought he decided to be lenient and excuse me, and I wondered if I should have just stayed behind in the airport longer. Fortunately not. I shall quote him word-for-word, "Be nicer to Grimmjow, you will have a great time together. See you on the 28th :-) " Unquote. No words of commiseration, just… "Be nicer to Grimmjow". I…I don't even know what to say.

Then the second part of my day began, which seems just as awful as the first. I returned to a swarm of angry nurses in my hospital room, who demanded to know where I had been. Apparently, the school had found out about my absence and informed the nurses' superior. Perhaps telling them to piss off wasn't the best thing to do, but I was cranky and upset.

As such, it was decided that since I was able to sneak out to go drinking – really, the brainless excuses they make up, though I did feel like I was having a hangover – I should be in similarly good enough condition to be sent back to detention. I keep getting the feeling that my life makes no sense whatsoever.

So I packed up my bag and took the train back to school, where I first ran into Kuchiki Byakuya. I'd forgotten completely about the encounter until right now. He is the captain of the polo team and the snooker team, although I beat him at snooker hands-down. He says he would have passed on his captaincy to me this year if my attendance wasn't so "downright abysmal". Somehow I think he doesn't approve of me helping Aizen with his student council work.

I must have been a sight stalking through the front gate with my hair messy, my eyes red and dry, and my arm in a cast. Which explains why Kuchiki waylaid me and asked if I was alright. I repeated twice that yes, I will be fine, at the most I'll drink half a bottle of bleach and pass out naked in the cherry tomatoes patch. He didn't take it very well. Then again, I'd never seen him so concerned over anyone other than Abarai Renji or his sister. He muttered seriously, awkwardly for a few minutes about approaching him if I had troubles – doesn'teverybody? How very perplexing.

(Of all things) I heard some whistling as the warden and I approached the bathrooms on the second floor where I was to begin my detention - Grimmjow was busy scrubbing the floor. He didn't…look very happy to see me, or guilty for that matter. I'm sure neither did I. It was horribly claustrophobic in the small bathroom. It was even worse when we stared at each other, speechless, him with his trousers soaked and suds on his cheek, and me looking like a hobo who'd just been mistaken for a rubbish dump and knocked down by oncoming traffic. Then my warden left and warned us against trying to escape, upon which both Grimmjow and I turned and shot her withering glares. Funny how you can only get along with someone in the worst conditions.

The door shut behind us, and Grimmjow snidely told me not to expect to get off lightly with the cleaning just because I broke my arm. I responded with something along the lines of "What a pity" and swung the bucket viciously so it knocked against the side of his face. He has the conscience of a lowly life-form, perhaps sea anemone or a mollusk.

I turned my back to him and began scrubbing at the sinks, but I could see him watching with this strange glare when I glanced in the mirror. He didn't say anything though…for that I was pleased, since at that point in time I was feeling downright miserable, and I'm not feeling much better now.

Somewhat lost in my thoughts, I didn't really pay attention to anything (especially Grimmjow) for the next two hours, and then the warden was calling us out to go for lunch in the manner of an authoritarian regime.

All there was left was cold noodles, since I refused the disgusting taco combo. Aizen is the only one who really likes it, and besides, looking at it made me think of Aizen and that brings back the hollow, numb feeling in my stomach. I was about to leave when abruptly, Grimmjow slid onto the bench opposite me with a brown bag in his hand – for a moment I thought it was full of alcohol and he would start guzzling at it. In actuality, it was just a tuna sandwich, which was quite a relief – I didn't want to end up arguing with an irrational, inebriated Grimmjow Jaegerjacque. He offered me half, which brought to mind that whole incident with the chopsticks a few days back, and my suspicions. But he said it was from the nurse, who wanted me to eat something so I could take my pills. The beginning of his explanation had sounded pretty logical, but then…who takes pills when they have a broken arm? I pointed that out, and…Grimmjow squirmed. Squirmed. I had to take a sip of water to stop myself from grinning, after which I coolly told him the nurse probably wanted me to increase my protein intake. This time, he didn't even try to reply, but pressed the sandwich so hard into my outstretched palm he left an indent in the bread and caused some of the tuna to…overflow out of the sides.

We glared at each other over our sandwiches, across the table. Grimmjow eats like a beast, I do not think I can find a more gracious way to put it. First, he tears off parts of the sandwich like a lion. Then, he snaps at it like a crocodile, after which he grinds everything up, mouth churning furiously like some bovine creature. When that's done, he sticks out his tongue and licks his lips and teeth like a cat. Put all that together an you practically obtain a zoo.

And when I was expecting him to repeat the cycle with the last piece of breast crust…he put it to his mouth, and began using the bread to wipehislips. Then he swallowed the bread in one gulp. Judging from his expression, my slack jaw must have been very telling of what was going through my mind. I have never met someone quite so uncivilized in my whole life. In the interests of diplomacy, I refrained from saying a word.

Not an experience I will cherish anytime soon. Later, we were tasked to help that esoteric drama teacher with a straw hat and flowery garb. Our school attempts to conquer the themes of human nature and fate by staging a sad little reproduction of West Side Story this year. I should be relieved they did not aim for Shakespeare like some of those other laughably optimistic school productions.

The tasks were not very taxing, or perhaps that is because I am constantly treated as an invalid due to my conspicuous cast. Grimmjow was set to lugging around props and their ladder, while I was allowed to squat in a corner and paint scenery. It was rather enjoyable, despite the awkward position I was in.

This is perhaps the only part of my day during which Grimmjow and I did not have to fight like feral cats, having been separated. We were let off in the evening, around seven. By that time my good arm was aching so much the broken one felt marginally better. I ate dinner on the way home, showered, and now I shall conclude a long, emotionally exhausting day, and allow the "me" of tomorrow to ponder upon its implications.

21 May, 1.26pm

Ulquiorra Schiffer

I hate detention. 7 DAYS MORE, and I'll be free. Ulquiorra will get his wish then, the stupid bitch. I'll probably be too tired and excited to go for playboy Aizen's party when we get let out. What should I do first, my first fully free day? Go to the park and burn up some toddlers? Go clubbing with Renji?

Whatever I do, I don't want to see Ulquiorra at all. He is just…I really don't know. I want to kill him, I want to irk him until he snaps and produces a reaction, I want him gone, I want the fucking satisfaction of getting under his skin. It's so…fuck, I don't know.

It was cleaning toilets today, my favourite.

Ulquiorra didn't show til much later, and that same conflict of desires left me so frustrated again. I wanted him to be there to help me, I wanted him to stay missing and out of my sight. I snarked at him once we were alone, telling him not to slack off just coz his arm was broken. When I said that, I think I suddenly felt guilty since it kinda was my fault for breaking it in the first place. He hit my (already sore, damnit) cheek and then all the guilt disappeared. I wonder what happened in the hospital. Hospitals freak me out – I shit you not, which is why the last time I went to one was when I was like, six and had knocked my head sliding on a just polished wall. So that's why I guess I felt sorry for Ulquiorra. I guess. He looked tired as fuck and in pain…does a broken arm hurt so bad? Oh fuck, I don't know atall.

Probably since I was feeling sorry for him (it's natural to pity small, vulnerable animals, right?) I kinda offered him half my lunch. Of course I didn't say I wanted to share my food with him, that would be gross. Andsick. I told him it was from the school nurse, which seemed like a decent explanation, but obviously he had to find something to say about everything I do as usual. He was right and he makes me feel so stupid, I can't retort. Bastard. I mean, can't he just accept it and shut up?

The rest of lunch was silent. No, the cafeteria was noisy, but we didn't say a word. It was…odd. I'd never realized how noisy the school is because I'd always been part of the noise, shouting, snickering, slamming doors and stuff. Today I sat with Ulquiorra – incapable of holding a conversation – and my head reeled from the fucking racket.

After that…nothing important. We had to do some work for the faggots in the drama club, and I didn't have to talk to Ulquiorra at all. I don't get Ulquiorra one bit, but that's probably good coz if I did, that would mean I'm weird and emo and crushing hopelessly on Aizen Sousuke.

21 May

Grimmjow