BelleDean and JulieToo beta'd this chapter. Edwardsmerp pre-read.
Note* I added things in after my amazing beta's did their work. So, any errors are totally on me.
Hold Me Down (PAST)
By: peri
Chapter Four
By the time we were freshmen in high school, Edward and I had explored a little more than each other's mouths.
"Are you my girlfriend?" he asked.
We were lying on his bed and had just finished rounding second base. His hand was up my shirt, his palm flat and warm against my stomach. The spot just beneath my earlobe was still tingling from the way he had suckled on it—pulling at the delicate skin with his lips, bringing the rosy blood up, just to the surface.
"Oh, um… we're friends." I shrugged and sat up, scooting to the edge of his bed.
"So, you do this with Jasper and Jake?" The expression on his face was disbelieving, with his brows furrowed and his mouth slightly agape, as he joined me at the edge
"Ew, no. Edward… it's fun, isn't it?" I hopped to my feet and stood in front of him, wrapping my arms around his warm neck.
His evergreen eyes narrowed and did a full left-to-right sweep.
"Okay …you're not my girlfriend, but you're not just my friend?"
That was a subject that came up more and more. What was this? What were we?
I didn't want to know.
I didn't want a boyfriend, I knew that much. And, I most certainly didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. Being in a relationship had never appealed to me, especially after Renee, my mom, had bailed. Charlie had invested so much heart into her, and that shit never panned out. So fuck that.
Why couldn't we just leave it as it was—undefined and un-invested?
Leaning in, I sucked on his bottom lip, before slipping my tongue inside his mouth. Kissing was easier than talking. It was easier than telling him things he didn't want to hear.
He pulled me on top of him, and we were chest-to-chest, nose-to-nose. My hair curtained our faces, and his eyes searched mine—always searching for an answer to a question he didn't ask. What wasn't he saying out loud, and what was he hoping he'd find?
He reached up, lightly pressing his lips to mine.
"You're the only girl I want to kiss." And then he gave me that crooked smile of his.
Maybe he was waiting for me to say the same, to give him something to bring the other side of his lips up for. But I didn't. I couldn't.
All I had to say were words that would break his heart: I don't feel the same.
Sophomore year of high school was a good year. It was good, in that we were all so bad. We got high for the first time; that was a trip. Jasper stole the keys to his dad's 4Runner and we went joy riding. We nearly totaled it. Jake borrowed a triple x rated movie from his cousin, and we watched it twice, give or take (mostly give). We got invited to our first real high school party, where we all got so shitfaced it took nearly forty minutes for us to piece together how we ended up with Jake on the tiled floor of his bathroom, Jasper with his lower half out the door, me under the bed with Edward beside me, his arm pinning me down. We got high for the second and third time (and fourth, and fifth, and so on). Jasper and Jake wore perma-smiles that entire year because they got their first blowjobs.
Oh, and Edward got his first, too.
The boys joined the soccer team. By mid year, Jake and Jasper were nearly consumed by it. During soccer season, it nearly replaced video gaming, movie hopping, hot-boxing, joy riding, and anything else we usually did during our free time.
Edward… he was consumed by other things.
We had third period English together. Early on in the year, we had established ourselves at the back of the classroom. It was a good place for me; the class was nearly eighty percent female. I swear they had it out for me.
"Hi, Edward." Rosalie walked by, wiggling her fingers at him. Her neon colored bangles clanked together obnoxiously. She thought she was cute like that. They all did. All the girls with their short-ass skirts and glitter eye shadow, heavy perfume, and push up bras; their stupid fucking giggles and ridiculous hair flips, among other obvious flirtations. It annoyed the shit out of me.
Rosalie's thick, skirt-clad hips sashayed dramatically as she sauntered toward her seat. She was trying hard to vie for his attention. She was always trying too hard.
Before settling at her desk, she shot me a glare so cold I could feel the chill. And it was like she had given some command to the other girls in class, because I was suddenly being bombarded with invisible icicles, coming at me from nearly all directions.
"That bitch hates me," I said, my eyes rolling. I pulled out my notebook and tossed it onto the desk.
"Fuck her." Edward shrugged as he dug into his backpack.
He didn't get it. The girls hated me. I could admit that some of the problem was me. I didn't know how to relate to them. I had a hard time finding anything intriguing about the latest boy band, and shopping was a form of cruel and unusual punishment for me. But, most of it was them. They were mean. And I got that I wasn't exactly Miss Congeniality, but I wasn't the kind of hateful mean that they were. The worst was their evil gossiping: I was a dyke, I was a whore, I was a dude, I was this, or I was that. I was anything they decided I was.
"They all hate me," I whispered.
I realized that was the first time I ever said it out loud. And it sucked. It hurt, more than I would have ever believed, if I hadn't actually felt it twisting my insides.
A lump began to build in my throat. I swallowed it down quickly.
Edward leaned in to me and whispered in my ear, "Fuck them all." He gave me a stern nod.
He rested his arm over the backrest of my chair, and his fingers lightly rubbed against my arm. I pulled forward to break the contact and pretended to focus on my notes. I couldn't handle his affections. I had enough to deal with.
I could feel his eyes on me, watching me, figuring me out. After a few moments, he took his arm off of my chair.
He didn't try to touch me again.
For sixth period, I was a TA for the office. They usually sent me on bullshit errands; I used the freedom wisely. Jasper and Edward had P.E. so I always dropped by the field to chit-chat.
It was "mile day", so students were free to do whatever, once they completed their run. Per usual, Jasper and Edward were the center of a group of chicks, and, per usual, they rolled their eyes as Edward promptly left them to hang out with me. Jasper was a little more diplomatic, politely ending conversations before heading over.
When Edward got to me, his cheeks were pink from the cool air against his warmth. Little specks of sweat glistened at his temple, and his breath puffed out of him in tiny clouds. He stared down at me with a small smile.
I totally got why girls turned into pools of jelly around him; he was gorgeous. Every year his eyes got greener, his jaw got sharper, his smile got sweeter. I sometimes wished I could be like them—those silly girls—all gooey and mushy. But I was stuck in this unthawed state… and I didn't know how to get out of it.
I kicked at his sneakers with my foot. Wind blew my hair across my face, momentarily blinding me. I tucked most of it behind my ear, but a few strands managed to stick against my cheek. Edward lifted his hand, like he was going to sweep the locks away, but he paused and ran it through his own hair instead.
"Can I come over after school?" he asked.
"Don't you have soccer practice?"
He shrugged, his tongue flicking over his bottom lip. Leaning in, he gave me this look; this heavy lidded gaze that told me that kicking some checkered ball around was the last thing on his mind. My eyes were drawn to his lips immediately and desire shot through me, giving me a rush that made me shiver.
"Yeah. Okay."
It was a routine when Edward and I were alone together. We'd start off with light conversation, talking about this and that. We'd watch some T.V., snack on some food. Eventually, he'd lean in to me, or I'd pull at him, and we'd just kiss and kiss, before getting to the good stuff.
The boys had practice nearly everyday during the winter. I sat out on the bleachers or on the sidelines out on the field. The JV cheerleaders held their practice out there, too. That was torture. They had their hair pulled up in tight ponytails, which bounced in everlasting excitement at anything and everything. They were loud and annoying as they clapped and hooted over every successful pass and every single goal made. What irritated me most was that their stupid cheers would get stuck in my head for days. Fucking cheerleaders.
I stood with Jasper as he sat out on a scrimmage. He juggled the ball with his feet, kicking it from foot to foot then knee to knee, never letting it fall.
"Parents are gonna be gone for the night. Party at the Whitlocks!" He let the ball drop and started dribbling it between his feet.
"Cool." I watched, waiting for an opportunity to steal the ball away.
"Alice is coming. Since, you know."
I groaned.
Jasper officially started dating Alice. That was… whatever. But Alice was a package deal—she came with Rosalie Hale. And the more we saw of Alice, the more we saw of her.
He paused, the ball resting between the insides of his ankles.
"Hey, could you be nice?" he asked.
My brows pulled together, and I was immediately in defense mode.
"Me? What about them!"
"I don't care about Rosalie. But could you be nice to Alice?"
I shoved my hands into the pocket of my hoodie and huffed, my lips pulling to a frown.
"She barely says a word to me."
"I know, and I'm gonna talk to her about that. But I'm asking you because… you know." He shrugged his shoulders. "You're one of my best friends. I need you to get along with her."
Sighing, I attempted to kick the ball away from him. But, he was quick and agile. We laughed, while he was able to completely out-maneuver me, practically making me spin in circles. He rolled the ball onto his foot, shooting it up in the air, and as it dropped back down, he kicked it, sending it soaring between two bright orange cones.
I clapped my hands and offered him a fist bump. But instead of tapping his knuckles with mine, he covered my fist with his hand and gave me this look—this disarming, almost scared look.
"Please?" he asked. His brows pulled up, making his eyes round and childlike.
Of course, I would.
I answered with a small nod.
He smiled so widely I thought his lips might tear, right down the middle.
"Thanks, Bells!" He pulled me into a headlock, forcing my face into his sweat-soaked chest. I poked at his stomach incessantly—right where I knew he was most ticklish—until he finally released me. But not without ruffling my head, making sure my hair was properly disheveled.
"Thanks, asshole." I flicked at his arm with my fingers, making him yelp; he flicked me back on my forehead, making my eyes tear. We rubbed at our wounds, biting back our laughter.
I'd try to make nice with Alice for him. How could I not?
Jasper's house was the best place to have parties and kickbacks. It wasn't huge or anything. It was a modest three-bedroom, two bathroom, middle class home. But he had a really cool attic, plus a sizable family room stocked with video games galore. It wasn't often that we got to throw anything there, but on occasion, his parents would take small overnight trips. And we'd make those nights count.
We sat in Jasper's family room, sipping on rum and Cokes and playing Street Fighter while we waited for Alice and Rosalie. Jasper said that he had told them to drop by around five. It was almost six.
I sat on the floor, my back against the couch, between Jake and Edward's feet. Jasper took the recliner and impatiently tapped at his knees with his fingers as he watched Jake and I play.
"Relax, fool," Jake sniped. His eyes were fixed on the TV screen; he had his tongue hanging out, and his shoulders mimicked the way his player moved.
"I am relaxed," Jasper lied, checking the clock for the umpteenth time.
Normally, this would have been the point when I would have let my criticisms against Alice and my arch nemesis, rip. But I had promised to make nice, so I literally bit my tongue and pooled all my energy into slaying my opponents.
When I KO'd Jake's E Honda, I threw my controller down and whooped, like Arsenio Hall. I loved winning.
Jake rolled his eyes and tossed the controller to Jasper as he mumbled something under his breath. Jake was a sore loser. I flipped him off.
I was killing it—destroying Jake and owning Jasper's ass—when Alice and Rosalie finally showed up. When they walked in, it became clear why they had arrived so late. They were dressed like they were about to hit the club or something—tight jeans, mid-drift tanks, and so much make up, I was looking for the rest of the clowns behind them.
We headed to the kitchen to pour some shots. Crowding around the marble-topped island, I set out six cups and filled them with rum. And, making good on my agreement with Jasper, I held one out to Alice.
"Here." I offered it to her with a small smile.
She took it, sort of nodding at me and mouthing 'thanks'. Rosalie started whispering in her ear and they both giggled as they glanced at me in quick flits. Bitches. I guess Jasper didn't have that conversation with her yet.
I took my shot and slammed the empty cup on the counter.
"We were supposed to take one together," Jake said, practically scolding me.
I shrugged and poured myself another one. Getting fucked up seemed like a good idea at the time.
As everyone lifted their drinks in cheers, I swallowed mine impatiently. I looked around, daring someone to say something about it. No one did.
Edward tapped my foot with his, asking if I was all right. I ignored him and headed back to the family room to play video games by myself.
I could hear them in the kitchen, laughing and talking… the girls flirting and the boys eating it up. Why couldn't I just be like that—easy, breezy?
Edward showed up with two cups. He took the space beside me on the couch and nudged my shoulder with his arm.
"Wanna take one? Just you and me?" he held one of the drinks out, his brows raised, and a little smile on his lips.
"Thanks."
My stomach was burning nicely, and the alcohol made me feel light…made me feel better.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine." I waved his question away. "Wanna play?" I picked up a controller and tossed it to him.
He was kicking my ass, but I swore it was only because he was cheating. I don't know how, but he was cheating. I elbowed him as his Blanka electrocuted my Ryu, dooming him to death. Edward grabbed at his side where I nudged him and laughed.
"Cheater," I hissed.
He laughed harder, his eyes crinkling at the sides as he wrapped his arm around my neck, bringing me into him.
I shoved him away, annoyed that I lost to his trickeries.
He chuckled lightly as he held me, catching my eyes with his. His breath—warm with a hint of rum—blew at me as he exhaled slowly. He glanced down at my lips, then back to my eyes, before moving his face closer...
The sound of unsteady steps jerked me away. I pulled back, putting some distance between us.
Rosalie, who had clearly been hitting the bottle, made her way through the door and toward us. She had that half-alert look to her, and her legs were wobbly as she stood in front of us. Homegirl couldn't handle her liquor.
She tripped over her own feet, tumbling forward into Edward. I'm pretty sure she did that shit on purpose. He dropped his controller and reached his arms out, grabbing her by her hips, trying to keep her from completely eating shit in his lap. She giggled as she reached her arms out, pressing her hands against the couch.
"Oopsies." Her lips were practically in his ear. He used the grip he had on her hips to gently push her to the side. She flipped over toward me and squeezed herself between him and me, edging me out. Cuddling up to his side, she squeezed his arm. "Thanks."
I rolled my eyes and stood, throwing my controller onto the couch.
She ignored me, her focus completely on Edward. I took a couple of steps toward the door and he gave me this look, asking me not to abandon him. And as I left, I shot him one back, saying that's what he got for being a cheater.
I made my way back to the kitchen. Since Rosalie was thoroughly distracted, maybe Alice wouldn't be such a bitch.
I peeked my head through the entrance. Alice sat on the counter with Jasper standing between her legs. They looked cute, all huddled together in conversation. I left them alone… maybe he was having that talk.
I headed out front to get some fresh air and let my buzz ride.
It smelled like skunk, but not the kind that was to be avoided. I sniffed the air and followed the smell, all the way to the side of the house.
Jake was leaning against the peach stucco wall, a joint between his fingers.
"Selfish!" I scolded, standing in front of him.
He chuckled, letting out a thick cloud of smoke before he offered it out to me.
"Why are you out here alone?" I asked, grabbing the joint and taking a generous toke.
"Letting my boys get some," he said simply. He leaned his head back, resting it against the wall.
"What about you?" My lungs were packed with smoke, making my words tight and strained.
He laughed, his eyes pinching at the sides.
"If I want some, I'll go get some."
I released the smoke and grinned widely. Girls went ape-shit for Edward, but Jake didn't trail too far behind. I was convinced that his hot temper and bad attitude acted as a fucked up pheromone or something. I knew he had no trouble getting ass. In fact, I knew of one ass in particular that he should attempt to get.
"Well, why don't you go get some from Rosalie. Rescue Edward." I felt bad for leaving him like I did.
Jake laughed again and took another rip then passed it to me, but I shook my head. He crushed the tip of the joint against the wall and stuck it behind his ear.
"Yeah, I'll do that. For Edward."
"What was that?"
He smiled with his eyes and shrugged. "What?" he asked innocently.
"That, 'for Edward.'"
He shook his head and ruffled my hair before heading back to the front of the house.
"Nothing," he said over his shoulder.
It was so like Jake to think that I was jealous just because I was a girl. I wasn't. At least, I didn't think I was. I just hated Rosalie, and cock-blocking the bitch made me smile.
I stood out there by myself for a while, breathing in the remnant scent of cannabis in the air.
When Edward turned the corner, I had to keep myself from laughing at him as he wiped what appeared to be lipstick off his face. It was funny, even if it was Rosalie Hale's lipstick.
"Thanks for your help," he said with a little frown.
"What, you didn't wanna hang with Miss Thang in there?" I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from breaking my poker face.
"She is out of her fucking mind."
"She kissed you?"
"Tried to." He shrugged. "She looked like she was about to hurl. Jake took her to the bathroom."
"Sorry." I couldn't keep the smile at bay any longer.
He shook his head as he moved toward me, his steps slow and prowl-like. He reached out, his fingers hooking into the belt loops of my jeans, and he pulled me to him. He had gotten so tall, just in the past few months. He towered over me, forcing me to stare up at him. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips once, twice, then one more time before capturing my lips in this near-desperate way.
I backed off a little, but he held me tighter, his forehead pressing against mine. "Don't pull away from me." He was nearly begging. Kissing me again, he urged me to keep going. "No one's here," he murmured, curling his fingers around my neck, pulling me closer. "Don't pull away…" He pressed his body into me until there was no space between us. Placing his hands at my sides, he gripped me tightly, like he was holding me in place, like if he let go, I would run away. He may have been on to something.
His hands slid from my waist to my hips then slowly around the back of my thighs; and in one quick motion, he lifted me, forcing my legs to wrap around his torso and my arms around his neck. He took a few steps forward, until my back hit the cool roughness of the wall. He felt so good, pressed right at the center of me. My hips rolled as I became almost dizzy with pleasure. It was so much, too much, especially with the weed heightening my senses. I could feel myself right at the edge—so ready to tip over. I dug my face into his neck, his pulse was pounding so hard, and our breaths were so short as we picked up the pace. But, there was no way he was about to let loose in his pants out there, so we slowed down, and he let me back to my feet.
He let out this little hum, like he couldn't have been more satisfied than being there with me in that moment.
I could feel the pressure, the guilt of not feeling the same. He felt great, amazing even, but I couldn't drown in him the way he did in me. So, I did what I did best: fuck shit up.
"It's okay, you know," I said, breathless.
"What's okay?" He pressed his wet lips against my neck, right at my pulse.
"If you want to hook up with other people."
He paused, his breath cold against the wet of his kisses, before dropping his head and pressing his palms against the wall.
"I'm just saying… I mean… I don't want you to miss out on anything because you think I'll get mad."
It all made perfect sense in my head: if Edward hooked up with other people, then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not being some love-struck puppy.
I was a stupid girl.
He blew out a long breath and stared off to the side. Seconds ticked by like minutes before he pushed off the wall and completely backed away from me.
"Okay…" he shook his head and let out a dishonest chuckle "…good to know." He took several steps backwards. "Thanks for the FYI." Rolling his eyes, he turned and disappeared behind the corner.
I should have appreciated every one of those moments; when he wanted me more than anything, more than anyone. But I learned things the hard way.