Chapter Four: Out Cold at Christmas
Christmas at Hogwarts. A cheery, magical time for everyone. Grand trees adorned the halls, the portraits sang carols endlessly and mistletoe hid in the most unsuspecting places.
And Severus Snape scowled at everything living.
Sodding Christmas. He swore to himself, looking positively sour and scrooge-like. Of course, this was his usual countenance during the holidays. Once the students left, it was a much better time for him, but until then it was utter hell. All the giggling, the hiding around mistletoe - like anyone would ever fall for that half-baked excuse - and the bloody decor.
It's as though Albus thinks this place is his own house. Severus grumbled in his thoughts, making his way down to the Great Hall for the last dinner feast before the holidays officially began. As he neared the Hall, the sheer amount of racket gave his pre-existing headache a boost into a near-migraine.
He reached into his robes and pulled out a vial of clear lilac liquid - a headache potion, not from Plyth, but potent enough. He drained it in one go, ignoring his desire to pull a face at its horrible taste. It took the edge off the headache, but not completely.
Severus sighed. It had been getting worse nearing Christmas. He wasn't sure if it was stress or just something else, but he had finished his first batch of the Mind-Stilling Draught and was already halfway through his second batch - taking three doses a week rather than two. He knew he was likely opening himself up to risk of rejection or reaction, but without the increased dosage, he feared he would experience an attack a week.
He shivered involuntarily a few steps from the entrance and stopped in his tracks. He glanced at a nearby window and gave himself a quick check over. He looked ragged, tired and stressed. Older, too.
Chalk that up to the idiocy in the classroom and the extra detentions for public displays of affection. He told himself, and shook his head to get a few strands of hair to give his eyes some meager cover. At least it just looks like I'm all too ready for the holidays.
As he entered the Hall, braving the cacophony, he hoped desperately that Poppy wouldn't pay him too much attention. Thankfully, he noticed she'd already seemed to have found the teachers' spiked eggnog and her usually razor-sharp observational skills were pleasantly fuzzy. To his dismay, however, his "usual" seat had remained vacant - between Albus and Remus, on the left side of the Headmaster. I start the holidays next to the bloody werewolf. Brilliant. He thought snarkily.
"Remus." Severus said tersely, sitting down and trying his hardest not to simply collapse into the chair. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose, willing the potion to do more than it had. But a sharp poking at his leg made him look to his colleague out of the corner of his eye, glaring from beneath his black hair in as scary a way as possible.
It was a stack of three chocolate bars - from what Severus could tell, there were three types: white, milk and something else. From the weeks in which he'd begrudgingly visited Remus's quarters - all under the guise of talking to him extensively about Wolfsbane - Severus had perused the man's extensive chocolate collection enough to know that dark chocolate seemed to be all but ignored. The Potions Master imagined that its bitter nature would be ill-suited to the warming qualities of the rest of the stuff.
But he wasn't concerned with the vintages of chocolate at that moment. He made no move to take the bars held out to him discreetly under the table. Instead, he frowned at Remus.
"Gifts aren't for another week, man." He muttered.
"Then consider it an apology, for th-" Remus was cut off by Severus violently grabbing the bars from him with such a deadly look that it would have scared off a Boggart itself.
"Not. Another. Word." Severus ground out through his teeth, knowing that Remus was about to mention the blasted vulture-topped hat the the idiot Longbottom had imagined him in. It had already been a month, couldn't they drop it? When Remus put his hands up and retreated, albeit with a rather large smile and an annoyingly familiar twinkle in his eyes, Severus looked down at the three chocolate bars sitting in his lap.
With a furtive glance around, finding no one watching him, he quickly looked through them. The first was a milk chocolate, the second a white and the third was what seemed to be a promisingly delightful milk chocolate mixed with hazelnut creme. The Potions Master fought the urge to look at the man to his left. He nodded at the chocolates instead and tucked them silently in his robe.
He heard Remus huff gently in appreciation.
Blasted werewolf…
Before long, it was that time again.
Severus imagined that, if what he overheard from some of the conversations he'd been forced to witness while escorting some of his hysterical second and third year girls to the Hospital Wing were accurate, being a werewolf would be much like being a female. While, of course, he knew of the monthly workings of the female body, thinking of it like that made him understand some of the times Lily had been so unusually angry with him when he was a young boy.
The dark haired wizard shook his head lightly. No time for that, Severus. He reminded himself sternly, stirring the Wolfsbane. After he had finished the final turn, he set his ladle aside and pulled a chocolate bar from his pocket. He'd already finished the white and milk chocolate bars Remus gave him the week previous, so the Potions Master hesitatingly broke open the golden packaging of the hazelnut cream-filled milk chocolate bar. He had hoped to save the bar for some special occasion, but as the empty boxes of chocolates scattered all across his chambers attested, he had no other option but that one if he hoped to enjoy the warm, safe feeling that chocolate afforded him.
Curse that Lupin… Now I'm just like some school girl, addicted to chocolate. He thought to himself, but at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to mean it. It did help him feel better, and not only after passing past the Dementors, either. Although he had had an attack already that week, he didn't quite dread the time between them as much has he used to - the Mind-Stilling Draught and chocolate truly played their part.
Shaking his thoughts from his head, Severus sniffed at the chocolate, enjoying its rich and creamy aroma, before taking a small bite from the corner. He closed his eyes as he let the chocolate melt on the surface of his tongue and he savoured its light hazelnut flavour. Oh, it felt like heaven had just settled all down his spine - he felt muscles relax and his breathing deepen more than he thought it could without some kind of potion. Quickly, the man abandoned his reflections and scarfed down two rather large bites, taking a full third of the bar into his mouth at once and chewing almost ravenously. The taste was divine, but the feeling of warmth was what he was most addicted to. With his Draught dosage at a vial every other day, he was far out-doing what Plyth recommended as her readers' dose.
Though he knew he was running tremendous risks by abusing the Draught, Severus would have accepted anything before suffering attacks more frequently. Or being confronted by Poppy if he collapsed again. He couldn't tell which was less desirable, though he would probably pin the fears on another attack. As of late, they had been getting worse. His mind seemed to be growing in the strength of its delusions, as the attack he had suffered earlier in the week he had been among the worst he had yet experienced.
The sensations had been almost physical — something Severus feared above all else.
Shut up. The Potions Master admonished himself, shaking his head and tucking the remainder of the chocolate in his cloak. He stalked around the Wolfsbane, examining its swirls and shades of white with a severely exacting eye. Distract yourself, he thought.
After what felt like days of shifting his gaze from an intent examination of the cauldron to a sharp glance at the clock on the wall and back to the cauldron again, the Wolfsbane finally turned its finished silver-white hue. Severus immediately snuffed the flame and cooled the cauldron with magic, his neck and shoulders stiff from remaining upright.
Some part of him refused to eat any more of that divinely delicious hazelnut chocolate bar that Remus had gifted him, and willed himself to control his anxiety without it.
With a gesture, the dark-haired wizard summoned the vials on the counter towards him. Carefully, he ladled Wolfsbane into each one until they were full to the brim and tightly stoppered. He magicked them into the padded crate set on the mantle of the fireplace and set to doing the last bit of cleaning on his brewing room. Since his mistake with the eleventh nettle, an immediate and thorough cleaning of the brewing area had become an obsessive habit.
Nothing amiss, Severus thought to himself and gave a nod. Good.
After a week of letting the potion mature, Severus took the crate in his hands and gave himself a quick look over in the mirror on the back of his brewing room door. He looked like shit, but the chocolate seemed to have restored a little colour to his skin. With a quick brush of his robes, Severus set off to deliver the werewolf's potions. It would help him stave off the transformation he was due to have slightly before Christmas, and hopefully the Recovering Elixir he had brewed from Plyth's tome would speed his recovery fast enough that he could enjoy the holiday with the rest of the staff.
Of course, nothing was to be that simple. Nor that happy.
The pain was different.
There was the panic, Severus felt the panic. That much was the same — tainting his breath, making everything feel dark, making the ground slip beneath him, making the walls press in. No, this time, there was a deep, searing pain that flared almost more than the anxiety — calling his attention to how it crackled up his neck and across his temples.
Each small movement seemed to conjure more crackling pains, and Severus fought to keep himself from screaming out. He tried to will his legs to move, to keep placing one foot in front of the next, but he couldn't even register if he was moving — or successfully keeping himself from screaming.
It felt like every inch of his nervous system had been electrified.
It was worse than when Voldemort used the Cruciatus curse on him. Worse even when it was combined with the times the Dark Lord attempted to force himself into his mind through his Occlumency, thinking the torture made him weaker. Right now, Severus would have given anything to trade places — Voldemort could torture him all he wanted, if he took away this pain.
He had made it halfway down the corridor before he collapsed. Whether due to the pain or the panic, Severus couldn't tell. The only things he registered as his vision grew dark were the shatterings of glass from the Wolfsbane vials and a thought that perhaps he had overdone it on the draughts.
What a wonder, Severus Snape. You are truly a one-of-a-kind idiot.
"Thank you, Professor."
Harry Potter turned as he exited his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's quarters after another successful Patronus lesson. Of late, they had been improving and his newfound Patronus had brought back some of his confidence.
Potter was thankfully too distracted by his own success to notice his Professor stealthily cast a Concealment spell over a prone form further down the hall. Lupin handed the boy his customary chocolate and, with a genuine smile and a firm handshake, sent him on his way.
Once Lupin was certain his student was truly gone, he rushed down the corridor to where he had cast his spell. With a word, he retracted it and revealed Severus' prone form.
"Oh, fuck..." He breathed, sitting back on his heels. He had a collapsed Potions Master, eight ruined vials of Wolfsbane and a veritable mess. He gently shook the man, trying to wake him up. "Severus?"
Something was wrong. His colleague wasn't even shivering - he was just plain out cold. Severus was feverish, absolutely still and he was more pale than Remus had ever saw him.
"Severus!" Remus called. The man didn't react at all and the Defence professor felt a deep sense of dread settle in. "Oh, shit..."
He's going to hate me for this... He thought, and he gathered the man into his arms. With a forlorn glance, and a deep sense of sadness, Remus vanished the remains of the Wolfsbane. He levitated the empty crate behind him as he carried the Potions Master into his quarters.
He continued trying to wake the man, but got no response. With a flick of his wand, Remus sent some Floo Powder into his fireplace. He stepped into the hearth and announced his destination, praying that Poppy would be there.
"Hospital Wing!"
"Remus? Wh- Merlin! Is that Severus?!" Pomfrey had been reading a romance novel while nested in an armchair set near the fire when Remus stepped through. As soon as she'd seen him, he had her full attention — which made him highly uncomfortable.
"Yes." He replied, shifting the man in his arms slightly to give the Mediwitch access to his forehead. "I found him collapsed outside my quarters. I can't get him to respond."
"Alright. Lay him on here." Pomfrey said, leading Remus to a bed close to her office. She magicked the covers back and motioned for the man to lay his colleague down. "Get that absurd cloak off him."
"Right." Remus set Severus on the bed, adjusting his head on the pillow and straightening the man's spindly legs out. He never thought the dark haired man would have been so light. Carefully, he set to undoing Severus' cloak. It took a few moments to untangle the thing from him, and Remus couldn't help but sigh in resignation when he saw that removing the cloak barely put a dent in the layers his friend wore. He swore under his breath as he set about undoing the ridiculous number of buttons on the man's black jacket. "Really, Severus?"
While Remus fumbled around with the buttons, Pomfrey returned to Severus' side with her wand at the ready, casting a quick succession of diagnostic spells over him. The Defence professor watched, uneasy, as the Mediwitch's expression grew darker with every report back she received. He continued unbuttoning, unsure if he wanted to know what his friend's fate was.
"I've never seen this before…" Pomfrey muttered after thinking over the last report. She immediately set to ruffling through Severus' cloak as she continued her explanation. "He's overdosed, that's for sure. His body is rejecting several potion ingredients at once, combined with fatigue and exertion, and it's tearing him apart from the inside out. Add to that he seems to have gotten a concussion when he fell. Do you've any idea what he's been taking?"
"I-I don't." Remus answered, truthfully. He bit his lip, and, with a quick glance at Severus' prone form and paling complexion, decided to risk telling Pomfrey all he knew. "He's been having severe panic attacks — it's possibly a remedy to those."
"Panic attacks?" Pomfrey paused in her rustling to look up. "Maybe he's been taking a Draught of Peace, then. It could explain it— ha!" She stood back with an empty vial, containing some residual blue liquid.
"That doesn't look like Draught of Peace." Remus said, looking over as he finally undid the last button on Severus' coat. "It's usually white, not blue."
"You're right — I've no idea what it is." Pomfrey said, turning the vial around holding it up to the light. "I'm going to have to consult with St. Mungo's on this one — there's not much I can do if I don't know what this is. No potions until I can figure out what's in this."
As the Mediwitch held the potion up to the light, Remus felt his heart drop into his stomach for the second time in half an hour.
The potion… He thought, looking desperately at the unconscious body of his colleague and sole source of Wolfsbane. What am I going to do…? The werewolf thought back to his botched transformation earlier in the year, and felt fear creep into him steadily. What if I go insane? What If I hurt someone? Wh-what if I kill—
"Remus." Poppy's hand on his arm snapped the man out of his thoughts and he looked up. His expression was panicked and desperate, and he couldn't bring himself to control it.
"P-Poppy, he— I— Wolfsbane…!" He said, gesturing blankly at himself and Severus' sleeping form. He gently grabbed her shoulders and hung his head, his shoulders raised and his body shaking slightly. "Wh-what am I going to do?"
The Hogwarts Mediwitch gently freed herself from her colleague's hands and wrapped her arms around him, holding the taller man to her chest. Quietly, she rocked him side to side, holding him and cooing to him.
"It's going to be alright."