Sorry it took me so long to get this up. I got really busy. I'll try to do better.
Adelaide's POV
This writing letters from Caspian has become a habit but I don't know if it will occur from now on.
Don't own it.

"Dear Rilian,

I cannot express to you how grieved and how heavy my heart is as I write to you. I can hardly bear to look at myself anymore, for I have done wrong. I don't believe there is a right thing to do in my situation, but I have done the best thing I know to do, and it is still utterly despicable. I had to say four simple words and you must believe that they caused me to die a third time. For I have suffered three deaths in my lifetime: once when your mother died, twice when you disappeared and thrice when I uttered these words:

'Call off all searches.'

My sweet Rilian, you must believe if I could I would search for you forever or until you were found, but I couldn't do such a thing to my people. I've lost so many fine warriors in an attempt to find you. But losing warriors isn't the issue that troubles me most.

In losing warriors this also means my country is losing fine men. This means my people are losing fathers, sons, brothers and dear friends. If I allow my warriors to keep searching for you only to meet a bitter end, that would mean I was causing my people to suffer the same burdens I must carry. That is not the act of a good king. Dead soldiers do neither you nor Narnia any good.

I have sent these fine men to their deaths by sending them on these searches. Their blood is on my hands and the tears of their families are my burdens to bear. There is nothing I can do to repay them their loss. I cannot change what I have done. It is impossible to bring the lost warriors back. I am supposed to serve my people, not destroy their loved ones. I cannot forgive myself for allowing so many lives to be lost.

Yet I cannot forgive myself for giving up on you. It seems you are out of my reach! It pains me to know that you are in trouble and I cannot rescue you! I cannot abandon Narnia or I would search for you myself as long as I had breath in me. I miss you and I am dreadfully worried. What a wretched father I am! If your mother were still here, I'm sure she would know what to do. She could've asked your grandfather. He may know exactly where you are and I have no way of asking him! I know Aslan will bring you back to me in due time, but until that day I will pray for your safe return, for that is all I can do at this point. May Aslan bless you and keep you.

With all my love,
Your Father"

It has been two days since I last spoke with Rilian. I've avoided him since our argument the other day. I know this is a childish thing, but I really haven't any idea what to say when I see him again. How does one apologize for true words said? In my defense, he hasn't come to me either; he could be doing some avoiding himself.

At any rate, I don't suppose today of all days is the proper time to speak with him. Caspian's funeral will be held in a matter of hours and I'm sure Rilian is frightfully busy with last minute arrangements. Perhaps that only means he needs a friend now more than ever. I'm not so sure I can be a friend of his. It seemed right at first. We are both children of Caspian, whether naturally or not, learning how bear our great loss. It would seem we could help each other and lighten the load. We are both children of Aslan. (Well I am. I don't really know about Rilian after serving the witch all these years. Even King Edmund the Just wasn't in the custody of the White Witch that long. And he certainly wasn't planning a marriage with her.) As children of Aslan, we ought to be able to live at peace with one another, but I don't know that I can. I must try to be there for him. He needs someone... as do I.

I find Rilian in the hall with his sword drawn, though he isn't poised for battle. He is looking at a painting and I know which one. 'Tis the portrait of Rilian's knighting on his sixteenth birthday, when he was given the title Sir Rilian the Courageous, for none in the king's court were so fearless and daring as Rilian. On that day he was presented with a sword which he showed to everyone at Cair Paravel. It had a hilt of gold and a lion engraving therein. What meant the most to him was the inscription on the blade itself. It read

"To My Dear Son, Rilian
May you always find your strength
In The Lion's Mane."

I believe he must have shown it to me a thousand times.

"Rilian?" I place my hand on his shoulder pulling him form his thoughts.

"Yes, my Lady? May I help you?" He says while sheathing his sword.

"You've reverted to using formalities with me?"

"I abandon them only among close friends."

"So we're no longer friends?"

"That is entirely dependant on you, my Lady."

This gives me pause and I try to avoid the obvious question in his words.

"Look, I needed to find you because I wanted to apologize for the things I said when last we spoke. They were uncalled for."

"No need to apologize for the truth, for it is what it is, sting though it may."

"Well I don't wish to sting you! Friends help each other, not harm them."

"Are we friends?"

I can feel a look of alarm and confusion crossing my face. I do not know how to answer his question.

"Don't be alarmed, my Lady. You may speak freely with me. I will not harm you or think you a traitor should you express hatred toward me. As I've said, you have every right to do so. Are we friends or are we enemies? Should I come to you with my troubles or avoid you altogether? Do you wish to stay at Cair Paravel or do you wish me to find you a good home as far away from myself as possible? I do not think you a threat, so I won't banish you or have you locked away if you despise me. I just need to know where we stand."

"It's not that I fear the consequenses of my words, though I suppose I ought. I am unsure how I should answer your question."

"Answer honestly."

"Honestly? Do you have the time for honesty, because I cannot answer with 'yes' or 'no'."

"Father's funeral starts in four hours, you may say whatever you wish as long as it doesn't last any longer than that. I would suggest continuing the conversation afterward but I doubt if I should be in any frame of mind to receive your words then."

"Very well. May we speak somewhere privately?" He leads me into his parents' bedchamber.

"No one ever comes here anymore, besides myself of course. Are you content to converse here?"

I doubt I should manage to concentrate here, far too many memories of nightmares and waking Caspian in here. He was always very understanding and we would talk things out over a cup of tea that he would brew himself. It was surely the best I will ever taste. But he is gone now and so this room is rather haunting. But if Rilian can concentrate here then I can as well.

"Yes, this is as fine a meeting place as any," Say I.

"Good then. Do tell me your thoughts."

There is a long deafening silence in which Rilian is carefully trying not to make me any more nervous.

"Rilian, why are you opening yourself up for me to hurt you?"

"You cannot possible hurt me any worse than I have hurt you."

"But you are already hurting, I'm sure. You do not need anymore pain in addition to what you're feeling."

"Answer me frankly please, Madam. Do you hate me?"

I can't avoid the question and I must answer honestly. "A little," say I. I am stunned at the truth in these words. I wish it were a falsehood.

"How long?"

"Pardon, Sir?"

"How long have you hated me?"

I must think back. This hatred is not a new thing. But it started out so small and grew so gradually that I can't say exactly where it began. Then I remember a time long past. It was burried in the dark places of my mind but it was still there and it was the reason I first turned my back on Rilian.

"You don't really need to know that."

"No, I suppose not. But I would like to if it's all the same to you, Madam. Please don't mince words, no need to protect my ears from truth."

I looked away as I spoke. "It hadn't been a month since I'd come to live here. I was in bed having a nightmare about finding my father's body in the woods. You don't need to know what he looked like when I found him. Were I not his own daughter I wouldn't have recognized him. I woke up to the sound of screaming. I screamed myself, but not so much because I had been startled. The reason was, when I awoke I found that the nightmare was real and I truly was fatherless.

"I screamed and cried even after I felt the warm embrace in which someone had wrapped me. When I calmed, I recognized your father's voice telling me all would be well and he wouldn't let me go. I looked into his eyes and saw tears running down his gentle face and I asked him what was wrong. He said he'd had a nightmare... about you. We talked a while by the fireplace over a cup of tea. As it turned out, the scream I heard was his while he was having his nightmare. He told me of a place where he'd gone on his voyage to the Utter East, an island where nightmares are real. He said there were things he saw that he never wanted to see again, but nothing so terrifying as a life without you and your mother.

"I believe it was that night we finally realized the depths of each other's pain. We were both trapped in nightmares that we couldn't wake from in this life. It was then that we formed such a close bond. I remember thinking 'Who could put such a kind old man through such heartache?' and every time the blame would fall back on you. I have believed ever since that night that you were the cause of these real life nightmares. And so in blaming you, I suppose I came to hate you in time. It's a thing that has consumed me from within for years." Rilian is silent for a long time. I can't tell you what his facial expression is because I refuse to look him in the eye at the moment.

I hear sympathy and pain in his voice. It breaks as he asks, "Did you ever tell Father?"

"How I felt about you? Never! It would've served only to break his heart further!"

"Did you tell anyone?"

"Who could I tell? It's not an acceptable thing to hate royalty."

"It's only right then, that you should tell me exactly how you feel. I should know the full extent of the pain I've caused you. I deserve to feel your pain. You never deserved it in the first place. I may have lost my dear friend, Drinian, I lost my father, I lost the trust of my people and it appears I've lost your friendship. But I brought it all upon myself. You did nothing yet you have suffered in silence this entire time. I don't deserve your forgiveness, nor the forgiveness of Aslan. I don't even deserve to be alive!"

My heart breaks for Rilian. "This, Rilian, is exactly why I cannot hate you! You and I are both living in nightmares, self-inflicted though yours may be. I can't help but feel we need each other. I-"

"I can't replace Father for you. I'm nowhere near what you need."

"I wouldn't ask you to replace Caspian. But I think we should be friends if at all possible, if we wish to survive this ordeal. Man wasn't built to withstand storms alone. That's why Aslan placed me with Caspian... and perhaps that's the reason you and I are together now.

"I do have bitterness towards you. But I will have to overcome it. It will destroy me if I don't. I need you if I'm ever going to make it through this, Rilian. We've suffered the same losses. You seem to understand much about my situation and I think perhaps you can help me... and I think I can help you."

"I will help you where I can. I will be a listening ear if ever you need one, but I don't deserve your help or your friendship."

"No one deserves grace, Rilian. Aslan has freely given it to you. Now please, I must follow suit and you must allow me. Let's try to be friends and survive this day together."

"... Very well. Let us be off. The funeral will begin in one hour."

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