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Chapter 4 Devastation – The Next 72 Hours

Remembering the turmoil her mind was in during the time he was supposed to be dead dug up all the old memories, some very good, some fair but most of them bad. The good was what led her to finally accepting and admitting her true feelings for Booth. She loved him. Her mind traveled back to the third day after his death.

When she woke her room was in darkness. She had been able to talk to Angela without breaking down. She had finally convinced Angela she was fine and for her to return home to Jack. She also made Angela promise to make sure that Cam, Jack, Zack and Sweets stayed away until she was ready to deal with them. She needed time. She knew just what button to push "Angela if you can't get them to stay away I will need to go away. I can't be around anyone right now."

"Sure Sweetie we'll leave you alone. Just remember when you need us we are here for you. Any of us are as close as a phone call."

"Thank you Angela, now I really haven't had much sleep and I'm really tired, so good by. I'll call you when I'm ready." She led Angela to the door and locked it after she left. Leaning against the locked door she remembered how many times Booth had told her to make sure the door was locked, use the peep hole all those extra safety issues. The tears began to fall as these thought led to more memories. Sinking to the floor she let the memories flood her again.

Sitting at the table she mindlessly drank some soup and tea without tasting any of it. Looking around her kitchen and living room she noticed a glaring omission. There was nothing of Booth here. Nothing. Sitting there she made a decision. She needed to be at Booth's apartment. She would find peace there. She would find Booth there. Changing into sweat pants, a t-shirt and running shoes she grabbed her keys running out to her car flying to Booth's as if the very hounds from hell were after her.

Once she retrieved his key from the fake rock she face the door and came to a complete stop. He was in there. She would find him there. She knew she would not find his physical body but she also knew his body was not what made Booth Booth. It was a complex mixture, but it was in there. Taking a breath she placed the key in the lock, turned it and walked in. Placing the keys on the table by the door she looked around. It looked like he had just stepped out for a run and would be back at any minute. She walked over to the couch picking up his bowling pin hugged it to her chest and lay down. The quietness and comfort that was the essence of Booth comforted her and she drifted off to sleep. Waking a few hours later she went to the kitchen to see if there was anything to eat. She found some left over Thai re-heated it and ate. Afterward she went to the sink and noticed he had not done his breakfast dishes so she did them. After drying them and putting them away she looked around. He needed to have his kitchen cleaned, it was clean but not perfect. She wanted it to be perfect for who ever came to take his things away. It became her new mantra it had to be perfect. She had to make sure they saw him as perfect in every way. Just as he had become to her, perfect. She paused in her thoughts, when had she begun to think of him as perfect? No one was perfect least of all Booth she thought rationally. No she corrected herself he was perfect, somewhere, sometime during their years together he had become perfect for her. As soon as that thought came to her the fact she loved him followed. She loved him. She continued scrubbing the floors and counters, she loved him.

Finishing the kitchen she moved on to the bathroom. She smelled his soap, shampoo, shaving cream and cologne. Rubbing a small amount of each on the inside of her wrist she mixed them together. There it was the unique smell that was Booth. She cleaned the bathroom until she was satisfied it too was perfect and moved on the Parker's room.

Here it was easier. Here were just the messes of a small child. She organized his books and dinosaurs on his bookshelf, straightened the bedcovers and vacuumed. She was stopped by the picture on his bedside table. It was one of Parker and Booth kicking a ball at the park. She remembered that day. It had been a warm spring day and he had convinced her to come to the park with them for a picnic. She had taken a few pictures that day and given them to Booth.

The next room was a little harder. The living room was a room they had spent much time in. She had many memories in this room. There was little to do here she just looked around. Looking at his bookcase she noticed a photo album. Taking it to the couch she sat down to look through the album. The first section had pictures of Parker. There was one of him as a newborn, one of him around 6 months. Then she saw a picture that had obviously been taken at a photo studio. A posed picture taken when Parker was around 1, both of the Booth boys were smiling. Moving though the album most of the pictures were of Parker with a few of him usually in a military uniform. She was surprised to find at the end most of the pictures were of her. Placing the album on the coffee table she went to face the hardest room.

Walking down the hall she stopped outside the door. She had never been in this room. This would be the only room in the apartment that was totally his. Should she leave it alone? No, everything had to be perfect. Taking a deep breath she pushed the door open. Looking to her left she saw a tall dresser with some more pictures and his TV. Looking to her right was his bed. It caused her breath to catch, the sheets and blanket was still tangled as if he had hurried to leave his bed and get to work. As she started to walk to the bed she tripped. Looking at what caused her to trip was her undoing. She had tripped over as chair where he had placed the last suit and dress shirt he had worn. She reached out blindly for them and removed her clothes to increase the feel of them on her skin. First she dressed in the shirt then the suit pants followed by his jacket. It was entirely too large for her but it didn't matter. She was now wrapped in Seeley Booth. Crying so hard she was barely able to breathe, she made her way to the bed. Like a blind kitten, crawling to the top of the bed she found his pillow by scent. How many hours she cried before falling into an exhausted sleep she didn't know.

The next three days were spent much the same way. She ate, cried, and slept all wrapped in one of his dress shirts, and the suit. On the third day she knew she had cried enough for now and needed to return to work. She would not do field work, but she would work the cases in limbo. Before she left it became imperative to take the things she wanted to keep with her before someone came and cleaned out his apartment. These things would now be all she had left of him. She got his largest suitcase and began to load it with what she wanted, first of all were the things that had retained his smell the most. To that end she took the sheets from his bed, shampoo, soap, cologne and pillow. She then moved on to the things that most reminded her of him, here she took dress shirts, the suit she had been wearing, some of his boxers and a few wife beater t-shirts. In the living room she looked around and decided to take the album, and his personally autographed copies of her books. With all of that packed she returned to the bedroom to remake the bed, afterward sitting on it to take in the last of the quiet. It was here she began to feel the anger. He had left her. He had promised not to leave her. Getting up in anger she started out of the room, turning back she gave a final look at the bed as her anger boiled over she turned and began hitting the wall beside the door. The pain in her hand brought her back to her senses. Looking at the wall and registering the hole she had made, her thought was "oh hell let the next person fix it." Her anger took her out of the room, grabbing the suitcase and back to her own apartment.

Remembering all this pain brought her to the very best memory, the moment she told him she loved him. It was right after she had stormed into his bathroom to ask him to find out why she had not been informed he was still alive. She had been extremely angry when she originally went into his apartment to see him. It evaporated the minute he stood up. At that point all she could think of was licking every ounce of water off of every inch of his body. He only stood there for a second but what a second. As he rose from the water she watched in amazement as the water sluiced down his body. She was sure he thought she held his eye and did not look down but she had great peripheral vision and memory. She saw and remembered every inch. On her way home her memory kept replaying that picture over and over. Every time her minds eye remembered his perfection her stomach would clench. Why was that happening? She had seen many nude men none of them had ever made her feel like this. As she sat on her couch she continued to play the memory and again each time she saw his nude body her pulse rate increased rapidly, her respirations increased and her stomach would clench. What was different? Could the difference be she had discovered during his absence she loved him? She had never had feelings for any of her former lovers, but finally she had to admit she had come to love Booth.

Suddenly there was a loud banging on her door and a "Bones I know you're in there open this door right now."

She thought about not opening the door, but he would just stand out there pounding and yelling until she did let him in so she opened it. As he passed her, the smell she had become used to smelling each night wafted past her. "Booth what are you doing here."

"Bones it occurs to me there is more going on here than you just wanting me to find out who didn't tell you I was dead. What is it, why did you come busting into my bathroom tonight?"

"I told you Booth If you care for me you should be concerned about finding out who it was and why I was not told you were alive."

"That's bull shit Bones and you know it. There is something else going on here what is it?" All of a sudden his peripheral vision caught something, it was his photo album. What was it doing here? When he came home this afternoon he had noticed someone had cleaned his apartment and there was a hole in the wall by his bedroom wall, but thought little of it. Has she been there while he was gone, no she couldn't have been. Could she? "Bones do you know anything about the hole in my wall?"

Looking down at her feet she replied "no, you have a hole in your bedroom wall?"

"Bones, if you don't know anything about it how did you know it was in my bedroom? You can't lie to me worth shit, so give, what happened."

"No I'm not going to tell you. You didn't tell me you were dead, I'm not telling you what I did while you were gone."

Walking over he placed his thumb under her chin and tilted her head up toward him. At his touch her stomach clenched to violently she thought it would never relax. Her vital signs increased so rapidly she was sure he would notice. At first her eyes stared at his lips then they strayed to his eyes and locked on to them. It was then she knew she loved this man. "I love you" she didn't realize she had spoken out loud.

"Bones, you just said you loved me. I love you too, and right now I am going to kiss you."

After all this time she could still feel the kiss curling her toes. That kiss caused all the sexual heat they had been holding back to explode like a volcano. In the midst of all the heat and passion she told him she loved him again and asked one question "Booth will you show me the difference between crappy sex and making love?"

"It will be my pleasure" was his replay.

As she completed her diary entry she smiled at the memory, yes it had been a painful time but it had led to her admission of love and the life they now shared. Just then she felt something wet between her legs and looked down. "Booth," she called to her husband. "I think we need to go to the hospital my water just broke," as she felt her first contraction. "Booth!"

"Coming Baby, just getting your bag."

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I know this was a long chapter but I didn't want to drag it into another one. Chapter 3 and 4 are is confession loosely based on Season 3's "Pain in the Heart" however, look for others to be pure fiction.

Please let Kitty know how you felt about this little "how I wanted it to be."

Nyre