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Part 4
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yes i have my father's heart
it may or may not keep on trying
can't really tell you what it is
keeps me this side of that dark line
but i'm not there to take care of him
and i'm not here to take care of me
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down across the street
He'd been watching her earlier, swaying to the music with Maria, Liz and Isabel. She had been off to the side at first, but as the music continued to play she moved closer to the group. It was then that he had noticed her smile as her hips swayed inviting him to dance. But he was rooted in place, struck by the ethereal glow that seemed to surround her.
He moved to leave his seat at the counter and in that moment he forgot about Maria, who was on the periphery now, laughing and joking with Liz about something. He put his foot down on the linoleum floor, deciding that maybe if he started dancing with Tess, Maria would stop looking over at him like he was a piece of meat.
There was a loud crash as the door and he recoiled, turning his attention away from Tess and toward the door. Max was there, in the center of the restaurant bloodied and bruised, and instantly the party was forgotten.
"Nasedo's dead." The two words fell from his lips as he collapsed to the ground, as if the weight of the news had knocked him over. If what he said was true, everything was going to change.
It all had been a blur after that - Isabel's teary eyes, Max's assertions that everything would be okay, Maria, Alex and Liz huddling together trying to figure out what they could do. But he had barely noticed them, he was too focused on her.
She said something, her voice was strong, but somehow the words weren't registering in his head. All that he could think about was that she had lost a father, just like he had. And here Max was, telling her that he was dead and his eyes indicated that there was nothing any of them could do. He never was good with sympathy.
Pausing, he thought about the irony of it all. They were the two people within their group who had the worst parental figures, and they both were now the only two to have lost them. But then it occurred to him, it didn't have to be this way. They could try and save Nasedo, it was a long shot, yes, but at the same time, he didn't want to see Tess like this if it could be helped.
"We have to get Nasedo to the pod chamber...use the healing stones to revive him. Max, where is he? Where's Nasedo?" he shouted at him, not caring that his normally stoic demeanor had given way to a frantic tone. This was for Tess, and while he didn't understand why he was this determined to spare her more heartbreak, he didn't care either. They had to move fast if there was even a small chance of saving Nasedo.
"In my room" Max answered and he withheld the urge to scream. Max could be so irresponsible, leaving Nasedo's body in his bedroom for his parents to find was a prime example of that. But one look at Isabel and he knew that she shared that opinion and would admonish Max for his lack of discretion. Instead he turned to Tess, who was frowning as she looked at Max, displaying minimal emotion.
Then he heard Maria, asking something, trying to take attention away from the matter at hand. She had a way of going off on tangents and this just wasn't the time. They had to get Nasedo to the pod chamber, every second they wasted here was one that made it more difficult for him to live.
"I'll handle it" he barked finally, not really sure what he was agreeing to handle. He just wanted Maria to stop talking, they had more important things to deal with at the moment.
"You're not in charge here Michael" Tess snapped and Michael winced at the force behind her words. He knew all too well that she didn't mean it, she was lashing out at him because she was angry, sad and scared.
"Well someone has to be" he responded, glaring at Max who was staring at his hands, trying to pretend that this hadn't happened. Some leadership skills he had.
From there they'd gone to the Pod Chamber, attempting, in vain to revive Nasedo. She'd cried and asked over and over why it wasn't working, but none of them had an answer for her. But then, when Nasedo had dissolved into dust, she'd steeled her features, burying all of her emotions behind a layer of indifference. Max and Isabel hadn't noticed, and why would they? If he hadn't gotten to know her, he would have been fooled as well and he knew, in that moment, this wasn't the first time she'd masked her feelings like this.
He scratched his eyebrow, burying his concern for her under a false calm, the practiced gaze of a soldier coming back from battle. She didn't want to see his worry for her etched on his face, he hated the way that Maria would look at him after Hank died and knew, instinctively, she would despise it as well. It had been nice at first, but after a while her looks had turned pitying and he didn't want to do the same thing to Tess.
"Let's go" Max suggested, heading toward the door. It was so like him, Michael mused, the second that there was something out of the ordinary, something alien, he got as far away from it as possible.
"Okay" Tess whispered, her voice devoid of the normal force behind it, but Max didn't seem to pay it any attention. Michael frowned slightly as he followed them out, Max was supposed to be the one who did this sort of thing, he was the 'girlfriend', the one who was in tune with his emotions. Even Isabel would be better at this than he was, because she was supposed to be Tess' friend, the only other female on the planet who could understand what it was like to be a girl and an alien. Michael didn't really do emotions, and the kind of conversation that he knew that he'd be having later with Tess wasn't really his forte. He'd barely ever talked to anyone about Hank's death and now here he was, about to discuss Nasedo's.
The drive back to Roswell was long and tiring. Max and Isabel were talking idly about the start of their junior year and basically ignored Nasedo's death. Michael just wasn't saying much of anything at all and she just wanted to be anywhere but here. She guessed Max and Isabel's reactions were typical, as long as they ignored everything around them that didn't fit into their view of the world, they could continue to delude themselves into thinking that they were normal. Half of her wanted to scream at them, to make them see that they had a purpose, one that Nasedo had just died for, but the other half was telling her that their purpose died with Nasedo and so did everything that she believed in.
So she sat there in the backseat next to Michael, shoving herself further into the cushion, hoping not to be noticed and dragged into a conversation. There was just too much going on in her head and all of it was more important than what Vicki Delaney did to try and win Kyle back and who Jessica Conner slept with.
The closest person she had to a father was dead, and there was no trace
that he'd ever been there in the first place. But instead of sharing
her pain, her supposed family was making like nothing had even
happened. It was like she could feel herself crawling out of her skin
just listening to them. This wasn't nothing, this was their protector
and he'd died trying to warn them.
The car jerked to a stop finally in front of her house, giving her a
reprieve from this car and the banality of it all. She slid out of the
seat, without a word and started walking even before the car had moved.
The goal was to get as far away from that car and this night as
possible.
Michael watched as Tess walked off, frowning for a moment as he looked first at Max then at Isabel, both dumbfounded by her quiet departure. Max gripped at the key and slowly started the ignition, without a word. "Max, I'm going to just walk home from here" he interrupted, his concern for Tess hidden under a veil of indifference.
"You sure?" Max asked him, not particularly caring either way what he did. He was concerned about Nasedo, sure, but there was nothing they could do now and the best thing would be not to draw attention to themselves. Michael, of course, would disagree, which made the reprieve from his accusatory glare welcome.
"Yeah" Michael answered and exited the jeep, heading off after Tess.
Tess tensed as he heard heavy footsteps hurrying after her. Praying that it was just coincidence and not the same person who killed Nasedo, she turned quickly and noticed Michael catching up to her, concern etched on his features.
"Tess wait up!"
"Michael I'm fine" she stated, more for her assurance than his. Fighting the urge to cry she hurried ahead of him - this was no way for her to behave, she was supposed to be the strong one. And yet all she wanted was to go home, but the way that his eyes burned into her skin, even now that he was behind her suggested otherwise. It was ironic, she mused, because Michael was the one with her and he was the person who she would have assumed appreciated personal grieving the most.
Michael scratched his eyebrow as he looked at her, noticing the exhaustion in her stride, even as she moved faster and faster, determined to maintain a distance from him. "No you're not" he called after her, deciding to forgo the sugarcoating and niceties, they were never really his style anyway.
She spun toward him, angrily wiping the tears from her face. She knew he was right, but at the moment, she just wanted to be left alone. "I'm fine" she stressed the last word, her blue eyes focused on him, a glaring sign of her displeasure toward his inquiry.
"Tess" Michael huffed as she marched ahead, unsure whether or not to follow behind. When he went through this, he wanted to be alone, to come to accept this on his own terms. But this time it was different, it was Nasedo, it was Tess. It wasn't adolescent fears of moving away that they were dealing with, but fears about their own demise, the reality that life could be ripped from them at any second, that the enemy was out there. The implications of Nasedo's death were much more dire than anything they had faced, and the thought of her internalizing that scared him.
"Michael, please" she stressed, his features blurring beneath her watery gaze as she tried to hide her embarrassment. She had to be strong, stoic, focused, now was not the time to give into emotion. Nasedo wouldn't want her crying over his death, he would want her to prepare for the worst, assume a leadership role because it was clear that Max was not ready for this fight.
Michael sighed and watched as she walked away, her small body shaking and filled with unshed tears, a million sentences jumbled in his mind, left unsaid. He wished, in that moment, he was more eloquent, that he had something to say to lessen her grief.
Hadn't he gone through the same thing, a father he'd never wanted dying? Wasn't there something one said to this grotesque initiation into abandonment that he had entered only months ago? But as he watched her leave he simply let out a resigned sigh and made his way to his own apartment feeling inadequate for not being able to say anything to get her to stay.