KOTOKO'S POV

Irie-kun's words played in my mind over and over, and I tried to hold in my tears. I was such a horrible person...

'Idiot!'

Hopefully, nobody had seen me cry. It was so selfish of me to be feeling this way, since I knew deep down I deserved what I'd gotten. But it was too late to get rid of the lump in my throat. I had to find somewhere to hide... to let it out where nobody in the family would see me... not even Okaa-san.

As I rushed past our bedroom door, a wave of guilt washed over me. I felt bad lying to everyone, even though it was just a little fib. But I couldn't sleep now. I would sit outside, just for a little bit... then sneak back in before anyone saw.

Everyone was enjoying themselves, I reminded myself. At that I was given hope that nobody would come outside and find me. I dragged my feet to the backyard.

Shutting the door as quietly as possible behind me, I made my way to the spot I loved the most: the swinging bench. The wet grass tickled my ankles and completely soaked my slippers. They were my favorite, but I was too weak inside to care.

I plopped down onto the seat, and directly into an ice cold puddle. My butt was completely soaked. Even still, I just couldn't bring myself to move over.

Something inside me finally snapped. With everyone in such a good mood, I didn't want to bring them down. I had hid the awful, terrible feeling in my heart behind my best smile, and managed to slip away without worrying anyone. But now... I could let go. Let go...

With no stopping them, hot tears rolled down my cheeks, stinging my face. I tried as hard as I could to be quiet, I really did. But despite how determined I was to not have everyone hear me, I couldn't keep it inside. I breathed in deep, hoping to calm down. But the breath came in jagged as my chest tried to push it back out again. Soon I was hyperventilating and hiccuping out of control. My heart felt so heavy... I didn't know how much longer I would be able to take it. And on top of that, it was my own fault.

How could I have been so careless?! Just because I was only a few weeks pregnant didn't make having a drink okay... yet why did I convince myself it was? I was weak to let myself get swept up in the party...and the food... and everyone having fun.. to let myself pour such a big glass and tell myself it would be fine...

And in front of everyone, too. They were all looking up to me, admiring me now that I was pregnant... and the first thing I went and did was nearly get myself drunk and endanger the baby.

I guess I really am just stupid, a defeated voice said in the back of my head, barely loud enough to hear over all of the other horrible thoughts. I could feel everything inside me be erased like a chalkboard, but that one thought stayed in its place.

'I might be stupid... but that's no excuse for putting the baby's life in danger.' I quickly touched my stomach. Sparks of shock shot through my fingertips and through my body. What did I feel just now? Something was down there that I wasn't used to. It wasn't really all that noticeable, but something did feel different. My heart did a flip, and I pressed harder.

There, I could feel it: a little pouch, raised just slightly higher than how my belly usually was. It wasn't a huge difference, but it sent my emotions every which way.

This really was real.

I started to cry again, harder than before. I watched as my tears mixed with the puddle below me. The grip I had on my shirt tightened and I desperately looked up at the sky.

'I'm already a failure as a mom.'

I don't know how long I sat there and cried, hopeless. My eyes stung, tears poured out of me and I cried out between gasps until I was empty. Until there was no fight in me anymore.

The edge of the bench dug into my neck, but I was okay with it. The night sky was just so wide, spreading out above me like it could go on forever. Stars twinkled down at me, winking. My mind was white fuzz as I drunk in the pretty view. It calmed me down. My tears ran dry and I could breathe normally again. I felt pathetic... but I also felt... good. It felt good not to think about anything else, to just stare up at the sky.

Such a beautiful night sky, I thought to myself.

I wished that Irie-kun was beside me, wished that we could see the same sky together.

But now... now he probably hated me... didn't he?

I looked down at the moonlit grass, feeling the lump being pushed back up into my throat.

'...What do I do now?'

NAOKI'S POV

After Kotoko left, she took the liveliness with her. The tension that ensued could've been cut with a knife.

My father sensed this and raised his glass in a toast to revive the mood. Shigeo happily joined in, but my mother refused to come out of her vexed stupor. She held her drink tightly in her hand and wore a worried expression on her face. Clearly, she was debating whether or not to go after Kotoko.

On the other hand, Shigeo and my father were trying to enjoy themselves. A desperate look was exchanged and they laughed together, ignoring the failed toast. My mother took exaggerated sips of the cocktail she'd made and kept peering at me over the ridiculously large glass.

Yuuki couldn't stop himself from staring at me, either. When I caught him, his face was surprised, like he had expected me not to notice. How could anyone possibly be oblivious to being stared at like this? He stuffed his face with as much food as he could fit, excused himself and escaped to his room.

What had started out as a party for Kotoko and I was turning out to be a funeral. A raging fire of a headache consumed me, and it was only getting worse every second I sat there on the couch. Being subjected to everyone's gaze, I felt suffocated, weighed down.

Not being able to take it anymore, I stood to my feet and headed for the hallway.

For a moment, I paused at our bedroom door. But Kotoko was not to be heard. Not even a single snore. Could she still be awake? Even though I'd spent nearly half an hour preparing myself for her reaction to the midwife's news, I hesitated. The few steps between me and the door boiled down to one question: would Kotoko be able to take it? Or should I keep it from her so she could discover the repercussions of the pregnancy herself?

Our argument was still fresh in my mind.

No, it could wait until tomorrow. One look at Kotoko after I'd scolded her had told me how hurt she already was. Dropping a bomb like this on her now would just be too much for her to handle. I didn't want to hurt her any more, especially with her condition.

Temptation to open the door and see her ate at me. Before I could give in, I was quick to turn the other direction and head for the back door.

I had to get some fresh air and clear my head.

NAOKI'S POV

I stepped out into the backyard, and froze at what I saw.

Or rather, who I saw.

In the darkness I could just make out the top of Kotoko's head, peeking over the top of our swing. Ice pulsed through my body.

For a moment, I hesitated. Unsure of whether to head back inside and leave her alone or finally spill what I'd been withholding from her, I clenched my fists. My fingernails dug deep into the palms of my hands.

The memory from earlier today reared its ugly head in a hot flash:

"...it's best you keep this to yourself until you feel that she deserves to know. It will only cause her stress which could endanger her and the baby."

Kotoko sighed, and tilted her head back against the bench. The rosy tip of her nose glinted in the moonlight as she stared up at the sky.

"...her heart might give out when it comes time to give birth."

"Kotoko, what are you doing out here?" I took a few steps towards her.

Her head jolted to the left in surprise. She sniffed in hard and wiped some snot away with the back of her arm.

'Was she just crying?'

Of course she was. Why wouldn't she be? I knew all too well that it wasn't the first time I'd made her cry.

Now that I could finally see her, I paused again. She was sitting in a puddle, for one thing. Red, angry trails of tears marked her swollen face. The collar of her pink sweater was soaked, probably ruined. A nervous expression crossed her face as she acknowledged me.

"Ah, Irie-kun..." she said. Her voice broke, betraying her sadness. No matter how prepared I was to see her reaction, I always dreaded seeing her like this. To make matters worse, she couldn't even look at me. I wore an expressionless mask on my face.

"You're going to catch a cold," I said.

Silence.

Biting chills from the November air clawed at me, sending shivers up my spine.

"Weren't you going to bed?"

For some reason this caught her attention, like she remembered something important. Hopefully going inside and getting out of this depressing cold.

"Ah, mm." She said. "I couldn't sleep, so I came out to get some fresh air."

A lie, obviously. Whenever she did this to try and make me feel better, I always saw right through it. With Kotoko's face a living, breathing open book, I failed to understand how she thought I would buy it. I knew she had come out here to be alone. To cry in seclusion while we all had a grand drunk time inside, most likely.

This was getting us nowhere, fast.

"Actually, I was just heading back inside." Finally, she made eye contact. She tried to give me a reassuring grin, but her face quickly fell. Behind her wide eyes resided a heart-rending sadness.

"Gomen, Irie-kun." Water dripped from her soppy skirt onto the bench as she stood to leave. "For worrying you, and-"

I grabbed her by the arm. "No, Kotoko." With a surprised expression she looked up at me. For a moment, I forgot myself. I savored the last few seconds of her like this. Before I told her what I knew would absolutely crush her spirit for months. But, my decision was made.

"Sit. There's something I need to tell you."

To my surprise, she plopped back into the puddle without hesitation. Even with her curious eyes trained on me, I was able to gather my thoughts. I sat down next to her. I almost felt guilty when I found my spot to be completely dry.

Unwilling to break her sudden change in mood, I searched her face for a brief instant. She was still swollen, yet the sadness that had radiated from her was replaced by a perplexed stare. If I wanted to say what had to be said, I couldn't watch her expression fall. I stared ahead into the uncertain blackness and prepared myself.

"When the midwife pulled me aside... she told me something and suggested I keep it from you, for your health." I told her.

"Mm."

"I figured you would find out on your own regardless of how well I kept it secret. If not from a doctor, then you would come to face it eventually..."

A small part of me wanted to stop. To be silent. But when I looked back at Kotoko... there she was, waiting.

"There's a possibility that there might be some complications with the pregnancy."

Her face completely drained of any emotion. No sadness, no curiosity. Nothing. In a zombie-like state she looked straight ahead.

"...complications?" Her voice was so small, so helpless.

Seeing her like this nearly made me reconsider what I was doing. Sugarcoating it just wasn't an option anymore, despite the fact that it would probably lesson the blow.

Detaching myself would have to suffice. If I didn't look at her, didn't dwell on her heartbreak... that was the only way I could do what had to be done. In the cold I felt like a stone. Unfeeling, unthinking. Removed.

"As the fetus grows... it may physically push your hips apart."

Silence. My mind remained clear as I searched the black night straight ahead.

"And it's possible you will experience heart problems before you give birth. Not quite as serious as my father's, but a similar condition."

Although my brain had shut off, the midwife's premonition still managed to puncture the silence like a knife.

"You might not survive the birth."

Since leaving the clinic this morning, those very words were trapped only in my mind. Like a broken record they had made themselves present again and again. This was the first time I was finally saying it out loud, to Kotoko no less.

In a sickening way I felt relief. The burden, finally, had been lifted from me. However, the feeling didn't last long.

Although I should've stopped myself, I finally looked down at Kotoko. Immediate regret swept through me at the sight.

Staring straight ahead, she wore a lifeless expression. One would've thought I'd just told her the entire family had died. Dullness clouded her gaze like a veil, blacking out their normal sparkle. The brightness that radiated from her had vanished into thin air.

For a long moment, she said nothing.

"I see," she said finally. Not even a single blink.

Suddenly, I had a thought. It bubbled to the surface before I could wonder if Kotoko would even consider it.

"You don't have to go through with the pregnancy. That's always an option."

After saying this, a fire was lit behind her eyes; That familiar blaze of determination.

"No..." She faced me, and her powerful gaze burned right through me. "No!"

"I don't want to give up on the baby. I couldn't do it!" She was shouting now. "If I have to be in pain, or risk losing my life, then I will endure it!"

"Kotoko-"

"This is our baby! I want to do all that I can do bring it into the world. Even if it means the worst!"

Now she had tears in her eyes, but they did nothing to douse the flame.

"Of course I want to meet it... but as long as it's born healthy, it doesn't matter. Even if I only get to see it for one second I will be happy."

"When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest person in the world today. For the first time in my life, I finally understand what it feels like to be somebody's mom. I know I can't cook, or clean all that well... I'll probably be far from the perfect mom. Or... if I'm not there at all... then I'd die happy knowing that at least the baby has such an amazing family..."

"Oi, Kotoko-"

"...I can assure you Irie-kun, this is something I really want to do!"

Kotoko stared up at me with such resolution, her fists clenched. Simply put, I was in awe.

Her determination, her selflessness in putting our future kid first... to want to achieve her goal even if it meant it was practically her dying wish. A quality I would never have.

She never ceased to amaze me.

"Alright," I told her. She lit up instantly. "Let's give it a try."

KOTOKO'S POV

After Irie-kun and I made our way back to the bedroom, I plopped onto the bed and took a deep breath.

So much had happened in just one day... but I never imagined it would be like this.

Irie-kun leaned coolly against the doorway.

"Kotoko, I'm going to take a bath. Go to sleep."

I nodded. "Mmm." He was being so gentle with me... but it wasn't making me feel any better, like it normally would. Watching him walk away, I sighed.

'Why can't I be happy?'

I was the luckiest girl in the world. That's right, I was finally going to have a baby with Irie-kun...it was like my daydreams were coming true... Longingly, I stared at the doorway.

But with what Irie-kun had told me filling my head, I just felt exhausted, sad... and scared. My heart seemed to weigh a million tons.

Without thinking I grabbed my little Irie-kun from his usual spot on the bed. Pulling him tightly against my chest didn't help my mood, either. But fiddling with his little string arms and legs helped me find my focus.

'I'm so selfish. I should be happy for everyone... happy that the baby is healthy. I should just enjoy being pregnant while I'm not enduring any problems. But instead, I can't stop worrying about myself. What's wrong with me?'

Defeated, I fell backwards into the lofty blankets and pillows.

Somewhere beyond the doorway, I could hear the quiet splish and sploshes of Irie-kun's bath. I breathed in deeply, and was met by the amazing smell of laundry detergent.

'Okaa-san must've washed the bed linens...'

Splish.

Splosh.

Not wanting to think anymore, I slowly let my eyes close.

Hello, everyone!

Right off the bat I just want to apologize for:

1) This installment being later than usual. Things have gotten pretty stressful at my summer job, so naturally this throws a wrench in things. Particularly, me finding time to write. With that said, however, tomorrow is my last day before I'm granted a week off. Yay! So updates might be coming a bit faster... we shall see!

2) This chapter is so unusually short, I know, I know. So far I have an entire outline written out for all of the chapters that are to come, and with what I have planned it just wouldn't have made sense to cram what I have in store at the end of this chapter just to add length. Trust me on this.

Think of it like a cake. It's something that should be savored, not eaten in a few huge bites.

(oh my god that was so cheesy but whatever. just pretend I didn't write that. )

ANYWAYS, what I'm trying to get across here is that this'll hopefully be the only chapter that is this length. (or at least one of very few short ones.)

With all that aside...

THANK YOU to each and every one of you lovely people for your reviews. I can't even describe the smile that crosses my face when I read them.

Love you guys.

Oh, and, what did you think?

Hope everyone in the states had an awesome 4th of July!

-Rosie