AN: Following the events of episode 7 from Rafael's P.O.V.
They asked him to write a letter to his lost loved ones for Remembrance Day. He wondered if the fact that he had to write one letter to a single person was a good thing or a sad thing. But seeing as that person meant the world to him it was the saddest thing in the world. She and Landon were the only people in the world he loved. They were a part of his crew. But she had passed away. Two months later and he caught himself think about her regularly. Despite everything that had happened in the past two months, all the Lizzie and Josie drama and the pack business.
It wasn't the letter she deserved, but it was the only thing he could write. He missed her and wrote about how much he still loved her. But it didn't feel like enough. Nothing he could say to her would never be enough. She wouldn't be there to hear it. And accident or not. It was all his fault.
"Hey are you okay?" Hope asked breaking him out of his thoughts.
"I'm fine." He responded weakly. In all honesty he was tired. Training twice a day and studying just as much was wiping him out.
"Well you don't look fine." She asked giving him a look that demanded answers.
"I'm just exhausted with everything going on." He confessed. He was too tired to hide. But most of all he never felt like keeping things from Hope "The pack, adjusting to the supernatural world and exams coming up."
"Don't forget your secret fight club with Duncan." She added.
"Can we not talk about it?" He asked hoping to avoid lying to Hope about Duncan. Hope had been badgering him about Duncan for days and what the two were doing. That was the one thing he did want to keep from her. Duncan had told him to keep their training private. More importantly he didn't want to get in between Hope and Duncan. It was the definition of in between a rock and a hard place.
Before they could continue their conversation something caught his eye as well as most of his attention. He stopped while also placing a hand out in front of Hope. He couldn't believe his eyes no matter how much he wanted it to be true. So he threw logic and reasoning to the wind as he called out her name.
"Cassie." He said bring her attention to him
"Raf." She responded killing any logic and reasoning he had left. She confirmed it wasn't his mind playing tricks on him.
"Cassie… isn't that you're…" Hope tried to ask but was cut off by the answer
"My girlfriend" He replied dropping his bag and rushing towards her to hug her. Leaving Hope behind him.
He embraced her tightly. Which she responded by hugging just as hard. A million thoughts and emotions running through his mind. He thought of the first and last time he had ever hugged her. He thought of the fact that if he were to have die right at that moment he would have died a happy man. The one thought that wasn't crossing his mind. Either because it got lost in the confusion or he out right chose to ignore was why she was there. All he cared about was that she was there.
Their embrace had lasted for minuets but it wasn't enough. It had felt like it lasted for seconds. But eventually they were torn apart. They had to get her cleaned up. He had given him his sweater and a cloth to wipe of her running massacre.
He sat with her in the memorial library holding her hand. While the other hand was at work. They sat in silence because he didn't know what to say. All of the hours he'd spent thinking of things to say to her. Seemed to have gone to waste because in her presence his mind refused to work.
"Uh Cassie. Is it?" Dr. Saltzman turned to Raf looking for some confirmation. "Cassie I'm Dr. Saltzman. I am here to help you." He said nervously. It seemed the situation was alien to him as well.
"I don't understand what is happening. Why am I here?" Cassie asked.
"I didn't know what to tell her." He confessed.
"Uhm. Well do you mind telling me the last few things that you remember?" He asked.
"Uh Raf and I were driving home from a track meet… The roads were bad. It was wet and then… Dark. And then I heard this voice telling me to open up my eyes. And then I was here."
"Okay. Well this is going to be really hard for you to understand. But… Those memories you have. Those are from two months ago. You were in a car accident."
Dr. Saltzman told her causing her to look at Raf. He couldn't hide the guilt from her. It was written all over his face.
"You didn't survive. And tonight you were… resurrected… From the dead." Those last 3 words hit her the hardest. Shattered something in both Raf and Cassie. For her finding out she had died and been resurrected was a whirlwind that caused her to hyperventilate. For him, facing her after what he did to her.
After a moment He and Dr. Saltzman helped pick up some of the pieces of Cassie's shattered world. They had led her to the principal's office, were Dr. Saltzman left Raf to pick up the rest of the pieces. And just like before a silence hung over them. Until she'd told him how cold she felt.
He knew he couldn't fix everything but he could at least fix that. So her left her in the office while he went to the kitchen to get her some tea. To warm her up.
"That's not a good idea." He heard Dr. Saltzman say while he was about to enter the office.
"I need to call my mom." Cassie responded defensively.
"I thought I asked you not to leave her alone." Dr. Saltzman said scolding him.
"She was cold. I got her some tea." He responded in his defense. And then he saw the phone in her hand "Oh."
He put the tea down while she put the phone down and sat on the table looking at Dr. Saltzman.
"Cassie this situation. I'm afraid it might not be permanent."
Raf walked over to her placing a gentle hand on her back. He couldn't imagine how she felt but he wouldn't let her face it alone. He was there for her.
"And I don't know how fair it would be to your mother right now to hear your voice."
"So you think I'm going to die again?" Cassie asked concerned.
"I think it's likely…" Dr. Saltzman responded bluntly. "I'm sorry. I understand that this is an emotional experience for everyone involved. And I will be here every single step of the way. Is there anything I can get you?"
"I'm hungry. I need a shower." She responded.
"That's not a problem." He said obliging her.
"And then I'd like to get to the bottom of how you murdered me." She said spitefully.
Of all of the absurd things that had happened over the past two months. Cassie thinking that he murdered her was the most unrealistic.
'You murdered me' those 3 words caused him a combination of overwhelming pain and guilt. Greater than almost anything he had ever felt. His heart broke thinking that that was what Cassie thought of him. She was the love of his life. The only girl he ever let in and didn't keep secrets from. He'd never hurt her.
He sat waiting for her to get out of the shower. Those 3 words bouncing around in his head. Occupying every thought in his head. He couldn't think of anything else without those words drowning out the other thoughts.
"This is for Cassie. When she's done in the shower." Dr. Saltzman came in holding some clothes. Breaking Raf from his thoughts but not truly.
"Thanks." He responded taking the clothes. Then placing them on the bed.
"You doing okay?" Dr. Saltzman asked concerned.
"My head keeps spinning." He answered. The 3 words still shouting from the background.
"Yeah. I wish there was something I could say to help. But having just been through this myself. I'm not sure my head will ever stop spinning."
Through all the commotion and emotion turmoil it brought about. Raf had forgotten that Dr. Saltzman had gone through something similar no less than a week ago. He wanted to empathize with the man but those 3 words still haunted him.
"She thinks that I killed her."
"Technically you did." He responded bluntly.
"It was an accident." He replied in defense. He never meant to hurt her.
"Doesn't make her any less dead."
He was right. It didn't matter what he meant to do. She died anyways. But she didn't have to.
"This guy that brought her back. Do you think that we can convince him to let her stay?" He asked. But really he was begging. She had died because of him and making sure she lived again was the least he could do.
"I'd like to help you out. But as soon as we figure out how to kill him. He's out of here. And likely her along with him."
"But then another monster would come. And what if it's worse than this one. Don't you at least think that we should think about keeping him around?" Raf tried to fight for Cassie's life
"I would rather spend a lifetime slaying dragons. Than have another kid at this school. Go through what you and I have just experienced at the hands of this creature." Dr. Saltzman had said all he needed to for Raf to understand.
He couldn't think of putting anyone through what he had just suffered. He knew most of the students at the school had deceased loved ones that could be used to torture them. He knew Hope would be vulnerable because of her mom and dad. And he'd never want to put her through that. Even Duncan probably had some on like that. Although he never talked about it.
"Look the only advice I can offer you… is to find closure… When someone is taken away from us too soon it can haunt us forever. Use this time well… Make your peace with her."
Dr. Saltzman left him to think over his advice. He thought of all the things he had wanted to say to her before today. Even the things he had written in the letter he wrote for Remembrance Day. But when they were alone. The words he wanted to say most to her were.
"Cassie I'm so sorry. Look I know it doesn't mean much… But I am sorry for my part in the accident." He told her speaking from the heart.
"It wasn't an accident Raf. And you know it." She responded spitefully. She didn't believe what he said.
"Why would you say that?" He asked dumfounded.
"Earlier, I couldn't remember anything. But when I was in the shower. Pieces stated coming back. I have an excuse to not remember. What's yours?" Her spite laced words cut him with every syllable.
"I do remember. It was… It was storming and it was raining. And the road was slick." He said still defending himself. Which he had seemed to be doing the entire day.
"And?" she probed.
"And I took the turn to fast. The one you're always yelling at me about…" He tried to go on but was cut off."
"But that's not why I'm dead Raf. And you know it." Her words still with spite.
"Cassie no. I love you. I would never hurt you." He said what every fiber of his being knew. He would never do that.
"I know that. But I'm going to sit here in your fancy new school. With that nice headmaster who cares about you. And helps you be your best werewolf self. And you're going to admit what you did." She said expecting a confession from him.
"I didn't do anything." He responded.
"Why did you take that turn too fast?" She continued with her accusation.
"I don't know" He responded.
"Yes you do Raf. Tell me."
"I didn't mean to." He tried to defend himself from the accusation.
"But you did. And you blamed it on the storm. But think! Think about what you did! Think about why!"
"I don't know." He replied annoyed by the accusations.
"Yes you do Raf you're lying…" It hurt him enough for her not to believe him. But the pain from actually calling him a lair was too much.
"I don't know!" He said exploding on her. Leaving the trey of food that he had brought to fly off.
It was hard to control his anger. His eyes had turned yellow but the moment he saw the fear in her eyes they went back to his natural color. He felt ashamed because he hadn't been able to control his anger. But the look she gave him was too much to bear. The fear had turned to conviction. In her eyes he was guilt beyond reasonable doubt. So he ran. He couldn't face her anymore and he was afraid of what he could do to her.
He'd run out of the room and headed towards the nearest exit. Fearing what he would do to any unsuspecting victim that would cross his path at that moment. At the beginning of the day he had counted a blessing that he didn't have to train with Duncan that day. But now he wanted to hit something and hit something hard. Duncan was the only person who could take the damage and deserved it.
As he ran the pieces of that night started to form in his mind. He didn't want them to but they did anyway. They distracted him from realizing he was running like a mad man. The only thing that got him out of his spiral were distant shouts.
"Raf! Hey Rafael! Rafael." Dr. Saltzman shouted chasing him. Until they had reached the outside of the building.
He grunted as the full realization of what he had done hit him. The lie he had been telling himself the past couple of months had been unraveled. He grunted in frustration choosing to stop running and face it head on. He turned around to face Dr. Saltzman ready to admit what he had done.
"It was my fault. I got pissed because I didn't medal. And then I thought my girlfriend was flirting with the guy that beat me. I got jealous and I picked a fight with her. And then all that… All that anger started building up. That stuff that I can't control. Dr. Saltzman. And then I started yelling at her. And then I took that turn to fast. And she's always telling me not to take that turn, that fast. And she was right. It wasn't the storm. It was me." He finally admitted out loud. For months he had been blaming the storm. But now he was taking responsibility for it.
"I killed her. I killed her Dr. Saltzman" He broke down crying.
"Hey." Dr. Saltzman walked closer to him and gave him a comforting embrace.
All of the exhaustion of the past months had gotten to him. Training with the pack and Duncan had drained him physically. Playing catch up on everything from the supernatural world to the mundane class work had drained him mentally. Then a million other things like leading the pack and Landon leaving drained him emotionally. Cassie had been the straw that broke the camel's back.
Dr. Saltzman's comforting embrace was what he had truly needed at that moment. It was the first time in his life he had ever been comforted by an adult. Even with his lack of experience in the matter he knew that this is how it was supposed to feel. Dr. Saltzman embraced him with non- judgmental and understanding. Dr. Saltzman allowed Raf the chance to be break into pieces.
After he had calmed down. Dr Saltzman had helped put back the pieces together. He'd had a dozen problems to deal with. Each draining him and leaving him exhausted. He wanted to deal with the heaviest and most painful load. He was going to take Dr. Saltzman's advice on making peace and finding closure. So he went searching for Cassie. He needed to tell her everything.
He found her in the memorial library searching through the book catalogue.
"There you are." He said grabbing her attention while he walked towards her. "Been looking everywhere for you."
"I was wandering… Snooping." She said looking around.
"I remember… I remember everything." He said coming clean.
"Let's talk about this somewhere else?" She asked.
"The room?"
"No. Somewhere with more sunlight."
He remembered that she had been indoors most of the day. So he led her outside. Ending up at the benches near the pond. It was a nice spot. Green grass, plenty of sun, a view of the pond and it was private.
He told her what he had remembered about the accident he caused.
"I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you." He spoke from the heart. Even if he did make peace with her the guilt would always be a part of him. The full moon would always remind him.
"I'm not trying to punish you. That's not why I called you out. I just wanted you to be honest with yourself about it."
He felt relived. When she told him that. It had sounded more like Cassie's than anything she had said the entire day.
"When I first got here. To this school. Uh. They told me that a lot of guys with my condition. They have a lot of anger that eats at them." He'd seen a lot of wolves like that. Especially Duncan he could almost feel the rage and furry that was hidden under all the apathy. Even Hope who was part werewolf had the rage.
"But I'm better now that I know what was causing it."
"Oh yeah. Then what was causing it earlier today?" She asked causing him to look down in shame.
"I knew that you would never hurt me. But that didn't mean that you didn't scare me sometimes… My point is. You have a lot of work that you need to do on yourself. And you still do. Werewolf or not."
He nodded in agreement. There was so much he needed to do and he didn't even know where to begin. Working with Duncan made him a better alpha. But not a better man.
She clasped his hand and leaned in to kiss his cheek.
"I forgive you" She said partial absolving him.
He'd always carry the burden of his guilt. But with her words the weight got lighter
"Now leave me alone for a few minutes." She lightly pushed his shoulder away causing him to chuckle "I want to stand in the sun."
He looked at her and she smiled then he smiled. She stood from the bench talking a few steps towards the pond. She looked back at him trying to nudge him to leave her alone. He indulged her by standing up and walking away.
After a few paces he stopped and looked back. He saw her basking in the sun. He thought of saying something to her. But he didn't. This time it wasn't because he didn't know what to say. It was because he had said everything he had needed to at that moment. He decided to let her just bask in the sun.
Losing her the first time had almost destroyed him. A turn he had taken a thousand times and only took it wrong once. It was unexpected and random. She was gone too soon and he'd had so many things. He still had things he wanted to tell her. But the second time didn't destroy him. He knew she wasn't going to be there forever. Though it still hurt when she left.
The last time she had left him with a broken heart and a meaningless life. This time she had left him with a broken heart and a purpose.
"She told me she wanted me to be a better man. Can you help me with that?" He asked Dr. Saltzman for help.
He never made it habit to ask help from adults. Living in the system his entire life had taught him that. But he didn't have a choice. No one he knew could help him be a better man.
Landon wasn't around and he wouldn't have been that much help. Hope and Duncan were in the same boat. The two had major issues and baggage that put the kids in foster care to shame. At least Hope was trying to get through hers.
Dr. Saltzman had his own issues but he handled them better than anyone else. And he was the only adult Raf trusted. Which was why he was the best choice for the job to help him.
"I don't know but I'll try. I promise." Dr. Saltzman replied putting a hand on Raf's shoulder.
That was all he needed to hear. That was how he started to keep his promise to Cassie. Werewolf or not. He was going to be a better man.
Writing letters to lost loved ones was a lost tradition on him. He never saw the point in it. All of his apologies would fall on deaf ears. The dead would never give him the catharsis nor the absolution he sought. But he wrote the letters anyway.
It was always the same letter. 5 words addressed to the same person. I'm sorry I killed you. He'd never bothered to articulate the message in anyway. Nor shift the blame to any of the other parties that had a hand in his death.
It was his fault his friend died. He was a focal point of power. Death would always be a looming shadow that followed him and those closest to him.
The man he was hunting was one of the closest people in the world to Duncan. But Duncan didn't fear for his life. The man was no stranger to death. They were old friends. Considering how many time it had come for him only to be left wanting. Even the times it had caught. He had always found a way to escape it.
In time death would come for them and their loved ones. There was no escape. It filled his life with a constant gloom. It was these moments of levity he lived for. Where he put aside his anger and misanthropy. And found himself smiling or enjoying the comradery of others.
Duncan snuck up behind the man ready to pounce. He had stalked and preyed the man for over an hour. Waiting for a moment of vulnerability. The moment had finally come. He silently rushed over to the man on hopes of putting him in the sleeper hold and placing the stake behind his back.
His hopes were shattered the moment he tried to lock in the hold and found himself involuntarily flipping over and landing on the ground in pain. Before he knew it he was facing the barrel of a Beretta 92FS. The man was a supernatural hunter with powers roughly equal to Duncan's. But Jeremy was a seasoned veteran.
"And you're dead." Jeremy said humorously pulling the trigger of the empty gun. He extended his hand to help Duncan up.
"Got to admit almost had you." Duncan replied from the ground. Reaching for the hand.
"What is you about almost?"
"Almost isn't good enough." He repeated the words he had said a thousand times over. Almost was a conciliation prize that never gave him any solace.
"Yeah it isn't. If you had tried that on any vampire over the age of 12 you would be dead."
"I know." He conceded.
"But you're getting better. Far better than I expected you to get. You're not moving as rigid as before. You're anticipation of attacks is no longer stagnant. And you were even able to sneak up on me."
Even though Jeremy didn't have supernatural senses. It was an accomplishment to sneak up on him. The man had been trained to for years to gain the upper hand on all the supernatural creatures. He could have easily been the greatest supernatural hunter of all time. He had even passed on some tricks of the trade of on Duncan ever since he was a kid.
"If I didn't know any better I'd think you were training against actual people." Jeremy tried to imply.
Jeremy had always tried persuade him to train with living people instead of the metal heavy bag he used. But Duncan was always against it. He had even rejected Alaric's offer to train him. That was until he had seen how little progress he had seen going at it alone. But he couldn't tell Jeremy about Rafael.
"But you know better." He responded. If he had told Jeremy the truth it would have led to question he didn't want asked.
"Yeah I do. I also know you're life isn't sustainable." He finally revealed his intentions.
"So this is what has been bugging you the entire day?" The entire day he had gotten the sense that Jeremy was hiding something from him. But he didn't probe Jeremy because he was enjoying his day off. They came far and few between.
"At first was cutting you some slack. You were just a kid. Going through grief tacked on with triggering the curse. You had lost almost everything. So I understood when you shut the world out. I hoped in time you would find a way to keep going. But it seems the only road you're taking. Is down a darker and violent path."
"But I haven't done anything recently. No aggravated assaults or outbursts of anger."
"Yeah. Alaric called to thank me because you haven't put one of your classmates in the infirmary." Jeremy sarcastically replied "But that's not enough. You should be old enough to realize there is more to life than being the angry ball of hate that shuts everyone out. Isolation and indifference aren't good coping mechanisms."
"When you were my age. You were using drugs and alcohol to cope with everything."
"Not that pain and suffering is a competition. But when I was your age I had died like 5 times. Lost both my parents. My Aunt Jenna and Uncle John. And let's not forget the 3 loves of my life who died on me. But I never shut the world out. I opened myself up to friends and family that helped me get over the drinking and drugs. You on the other hand. You keep everyone at arm's length refusing to let anyone else in. Because you're scared that if they survive the calamities you cause. They might actual save you from you're darkness."
"Why now? Why choose this hill to die on?" He asked trying to change the conversation.
"You're sister's worried about you."
"Good to know she cares." He sarcastically replied.
He hadn't seen or spoken directly to his sister in years. She had always used proxies like Jeremy or Caroline. The only contact he had with her was the birthday card she sent to him every year. But that wasn't how you were supposed to treat the only family you had in the world. Which was why he had gone out of his way and made it an effort to talk to Rafael.
"You know she does. That's why she's trying to keep you away from everything… Things back home aren't getting better. It's no longer skirmishes. It's escalated to all-out war. Even the Witches and human factions are getting involved…"
"And she still keeps my banishment!" He exploded in anger. The reason behind his exile was a way to mitigate the situation. Now that an actual war had broken out. She had no reason to keep him exiled.
"The landscape is volatile enough. Adding you into it would make things nuclear. So yeah she's keeping your exile. For your safety and everyone else's." Jeremy defend Duncan's sister. Like he always had.
"I have my anger in control. I'm not as unhinged as I used to be." He said through gritted teeth.
"No you don't. You probably haven't even realized you're eyes are golden." Jeremy said making Duncan notice his eyes had changed. He calmed himself down allowing his natural eye color to return.
"You're still as unhinged as ever. And the only times when you're not an enraged Paxon is when you're indifferent to everything. But you can't be indifferent to your home or the people you left behind."
Duncan knew Jeremy was right. He couldn't be apathetic back home. He wasn't strong enough to be anything but a liability. Even more so if he couldn't control his rage.
"So what am I supposed to do?" He asked.
"You find a way to keep going. Because that's what we do. We find a way to keep going. That includes breaking down your walls and letting people in. You can't remain indifference forever." Jeremy preached.
"It will be a long while before my walls break." He responded adamantly.
"Not as long as you think… Like I said it's all-out war back Ireland… The Witches and human faction got involved. Your sister brokered an alliance with the witches to help fight against the vampires…"
The domino's fell into place. He knew where this was going and he wasn't a fan. The Witches back home would never help out of the kindness of their hearts. He knew what his sister had to do to gain the alliance.
"In return your sister would offer protection for the last heir of the Rhiannon Coven. She thought it would be best if you heard it from me." Jeremy said with a tone of caution trying to gauge Duncan's emotions.
Of course she did. Jeremy had always been her proxy and scape goat for bad news.
"Fiona will be hiding out at the school with you until things blow over."
"When will she becoming?" He asked wondering how long he had.
"She arrives in the morning."
AN: Jeremy had always been one of my favorite characters of the TVD. And I know it's sort of a Mary Sueish trope to have an O.C. heavily connected to the cannon cast but I just wanted to do it. The next chapter will also take longer to write because I won't be basing it on episode 8 but it will be happening at around the same time.
Please R.R.