"I want to be there for you when you're lonely. I want to hug you when you're sad. So… Can I stay by your side?"
"…I am very happy to hear you feel that way about me, Atsushi. However, I'm afraid I am not the right person to accept your feelings."
"..."
"Don't be sad. One day, you will meet someone who can accept and return your feelings the way you want it. I know you will…Atsushi…"
I snuck into Muro-chin's room tonight.
It wasn't that he forgot to lock the door. It was just I often came over uninvited that eventually, he decided not to lock the door so I could just come in and out any time I wanted without making him going back and forth to open the door for me. It was just like how I always put all my snacks right next to my desk, so I could just pick one whenever I felt like it. Looking back about it, this had lasted for the entire two years since we'd become acquainted to each other.
Ah, yeah, that's right… So I had known Muro-chin for two years. To think that he wouldn't be here anymore soon…
I stood there silently, staring at his sleeping figure in the dark room. There was nothing I could say since he was already fast asleep, so I simply left it on his desk and just as silently, I left the room.
It was two weeks before the third years' graduation.
Muro-chin seemed confused today.
When we were eating lunch together in the cafeteria, he told me that something strange had been happening in the last few days. He didn't look scared or anything, but he did seem concerned about it.
"What do you think, Atsushi?" he asked me. And to his question, I told him that if it wasn't something dangerous or scary, then it would be okay. Muro-chin laughed at my answer. He said it was so like me, but he decided to follow my suggestions for now.
I wonder… Despite all those talks, overall Muro-chin still looked very normal, as if it was just another day for him. Didn't he feel anything at all? Seeing him looking as calm as always kind of pissed me off more than having someone stole my snacks, but I wouldn't tell him.
I'll just sneak into his room again tonight.
With that thought in my mind, I followed him as we left the cafeteria. It was ten days before the third years' graduation.
…Muro-chin's room looked different.
Usually there would be his stuffs on the shelves and desk, but now, almost everything had been packed into the boxes. Even in this darkness, I knew this wasn't the same room I frequented to visit. Just like seeing the convenience store I frequented to visit being closed down, soon everything I was familiar with would be gone. And then someone else would occupy this place, and it would never be Muro-chin's room ever again.
I felt angry for some reason. The thought of someone else aside of Muro-chin being here almost felt like being told that my favorite snack would never be on sale again, and that I had to manage with other snacks I didn't like. Couldn't Muro-chin just not graduate and stay? Why did he have to always get good grades in almost every subject? I wished he would fail in a couple of tests and stayed here for another year.
Muro-chin, why can't you stay here?
I remained standing there for another minute before I finally walked out of the door, leaving it on his desk as usual.
It was a week before the third years' graduation.
"Atsushi, is there something on your mind?"
He blurted out that question without any prior notice. We were having lunch in the cafeteria as usual and to be honest, I was almost caught off guard as though I was tasting strawberry from the supposedly chocolate milkshake. But I wouldn't show it to him. Nope, no way.
"Hmm? Why did you ask, Muro-chin?" I returned his question.
"You seem rather quiet lately. Are you okay?"
"…I'm okay…"
I didn't want him to pursue this matter any further. Truthfully, I was still angry at him for not showing even a bit of change. Was it not enough? Was it insufficient to tell him what I felt? What else did I have to do to make him understand?
"Atsushi?"
"I'm okay," I told him again since he didn't stop staring at me. All of a sudden, I had this urge to ask him. Maybe he'd get it if I asked. "Muro-chin, you're moving to Tokyo?"
"Well, yes. The university I've enrolled to is there after all," he replied nonchalantly in his usual manner. So he still didn't understand after all. Muro-chin was so very stupid although he was usually smart.
"You'd be leaving the day after graduation?"
"Yes. I couldn't stay in the dormitory anymore because I'm literally not a student of Yosen after graduating, right?" he laughed casually, "Besides, I've found a good place to stay in Tokyo. It's close to the university and the rent isn't really expensive."
"…I see…"
Why don't you get it already, Muro-chin?
Even though I had been doing that every day, it seemed that my effort was for naught. It was three days before the third years' graduation.
I sat down on the floor, crossing my legs. In front of me was Muro-chin, fast asleep on his bed. By now, his room was almost empty. What remained were several small stuffs he could carry by himself.
Muro-chin, are you really leaving?
I buried my face on top of his mattress. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to always be here. I didn't want this room to belong to someone else. This bed… I didn't want to see someone else aside of Muro-chin sleeping on it.
"Muro-chin…"
I turned my face and looked at him. He was still sleeping without giving sign of waking up. Even when I touched his hair, he didn't give as much as a meaningless mumble and changed his position a little.
"Muro-chin, can't you stay here?"
The more I stared into his face, the more painful it felt for me. I hated this… It was painful and troublesome, but I couldn't get rid of it. It was…the same at that time. If I were a type of snack sold in the store, it would be the feeling of having a regular customer who always bought me suddenly stopped coming altogether and I could only remain in the shelf, wondering if I could ever see him again. Even though I had found someone like him once more… Must I deal with this all over again?
"Muro-chin, please don't go…"
And just like that, I lied next to him and hugged him tightly. If only by doing this I could make him stay… I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to be away from him. I wanted Muro-chin…to be here…with me…
"…At…sushi…?"
My eyes went wide. What…was I doing? I came in and out quietly on purpose all these days, and now I went ahead and just woke him up?
"Atsushi… Is that you?" his eyes immediately met mine, "Why are you here? And…what are you doing?"
It was the night before the third years' graduation.
"…And thus, from the bottom of my heart, I would like to congratulate all of the graduates. May you find success in the future."
The headmaster's speech ended the graduation ceremony. There were cheers of joy; everyone was smiling and laughing as they congratulated each other. However, in the midst of all that, compared to the overwhelming atmosphere of happiness, I was more drawn to those who cried for being separated from their friends.
Atsushi…
My mind flew back to what happened last night. Indeed, I had never locked my room because Atsushi often came over to my place, but during the two years I had been friends with him, it never crossed my mind even once that he would do such a thing.
"Why are you here? And…what are you doing?"
"..."
"Atsushi?"
"…Muro-chin… I want to be with you…"
"What?"
"…Nothing… Sorry for the intrusion…"
And just like that, he dashed out of my room before I could even say another word. I was very surprised to find him next to me, and more than that, to find myself in his arms all of a sudden. Perhaps that was why I could not react fast enough to stop him.
Atsushi… What was he thinking?
He didn't come to today's ceremony, even though the underclassmen were all present. I'd really like to think that he was probably just lazy as usual, but now that he'd gone and done that, I couldn't dismiss the thought that this was most probably related to last night. Perhaps I had to visit his room and ask him directly. After all, I didn't get the chance to ask him anything since he literally flew out of my room so quickly back there.
Though… I wonder what kind of face I should make when I see him…
A sweet smell immediately entered my nose as I returned to the dormitory. That was weird… Could it be that someone was using the kitchen? But this smell… I had never known that someone was capable of making sweets in the boys' dormitory. And to my surprise, the one who stood in the middle of the kitchen, now in complete disarray, was a guy I knew much too well.
"Atsushi?"
"M-Muro-chin?!"
He was taken off guard, no doubt about it. It was written clearly all over his face that was dirty with stains of flour. With his purple hair tied to the back of his head, his clothes were almost entirely covered in flour and other sorts of ingredients, even though he was wearing an apron. If it wasn't enough, the entire kitchen was more or less in the same condition. But more than that, I was more curious about what he was doing here all alone while everyone else was in the auditorium.
"Atsushi, what on earth are you doing?" I stood there in amazement. It was before long that I noticed a large bowl and a whisk on his hands. "You're…making a cake…?"
"…Yeah…"
The giant in front of me hung his head down like a dejected puppy. He didn't even look at me in the eyes like he usually did. But all the more, it only spurred my curiosity.
"Why are you making a cake?" I asked him.
"…apologize…to Muro-chin…"
His voice sounded more like mumbles than an answer, but I could make out a few words and it confused me even more.
"You want to apologize? To me?"
He gave a small nod. Now that I think about it, I couldn't really see his face well because it was dark in my room last night, but when I asked him what he was doing, I thought Atsushi looked almost as dejected as he was right now.
"…I want to apologize to Muro-chin," he spoke again with his head down, staring at that bowl and whisk in his hand, "I'm sorry…for doing that…"
"Atsushi…" this giant of a guy looked sort of pitiful that I couldn't even begin to ask him anything. So my suspicion was true, after all. "I knew it. It was you, wasn't it? The one who left cakes on my desk every day… It was you, right, Atsushi?"
He didn't answer, but his silence was enough of a confirmation for me. For some reason, all his words and actions in the last few days came back to me. He was most likely trying to tell me something, but in the end, he didn't say a word.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I took a step closer. I thought he flinched just a little upon noticing that I was getting closer, but still he stayed where he was. "Atsushi, you have something to tell me, don't you? What is it?"
He bit his lips and shifted his gaze.
"Atsushi."
Still, he refused to answer.
"Hey, Atsushi…" I put both hands of his face and made him looked at me, "Tell me… What is it that you're thinking?"
There was a brief moment of silent, but then he told me something unexpected, even in my wildest dreams.
"I want to be there for you when you're lonely. I want to hug you when you're sad. So… Can I stay by your side?"
I must've looked like an idiot with my mouth wide opened. I couldn't even begin to think how I should respond to that, but as he stared into my face, studying my reaction, Atsushi seemed more dejected than ever.
"…I guess not, huh?" he hung his head, "I told Aka-chin this two years ago, but he said he wasn't the right person to accept it."
"Aka-chin is… Ah, you mean you've told this to Akashi before?"
"Mm-hm. He said one day, I would meet someone who could accept and return my feelings, but I suppose for the first time, Aka-chin is wrong."
For a few seconds, I was rather dumbfounded by his sudden confession, but it was before long that I found myself struggling to hold back my laughter. This…twisted, childish way of confessing… He could just tell me if he liked me and he would be lonely once I had graduated, but instead of telling me directly, he did all that while being completely absorbed in his own thoughts.
"But…why the cakes, Atsushi?" I asked him, trying my best not to let him know I that nearly died from suppressing this laugh.
"I thought if you like the cakes and become curious about it, you wouldn't leave," replied him bluntly, "And…those were my favorite tastes. I thought if I gave you all my favorite tastes of cakes, Muro-chin would understand that if you were a cake, you would be my absolute favorite."
I thought there would never be a human being who was capable of saying those things except kids, but I supposed I had found one of those innocent kids right here in front of me.
"Oh, dear… What am I supposed to do with you?" I let out a sigh. To be honest, I could not stop a smile from breaking out as I took that bowl and whisk away from his hands, leaving them on the table before I wiped the stains of flour on his face. "Thank you for the cakes, Atsushi. They were delicious. You might want to consider being a Pâtissier or something like that once you graduated."
"Really? So you like them, Muro-chin?" just like a child, he quickly brightened up even with that simple praise.
"Of course," I nodded, "But, you know… Now I am no longer a student of Yosen. I have graduated and I have to go to university. So it is impossible for me to stay here."
I knew he would make that pitifully sad face again, so I quickly continued.
"But Atsushi… I still want to taste more of your cakes. If you don't mind, we can meet up every now and then, so make sure to bring me some, alright?"
"I can still…meet with Muro-chin?"
"Didn't you say you're going to be with me when I'm lonely or sad?" I let out a chuckle, "Well, I might get a little lonely in Tokyo, so… Will you come and comfort me then?"
I thought I could see a streak of red on his cheeks, but without saying anything, that giant guy with the heart of a little kid quickly nodded. At his reaction, I couldn't help but laugh as I pulled his face to my shoulder with my arms around his neck.
My dear Atsushi… How can I ever leave you alone?