He's silent, though he pushes away to sit more upright. He scrutinizes her face closely. "How?"
"I don't know."
"We don't even know what's happening."
"I know. But we'll figure something out. We always do." She takes a deep breath. "What's the alternative? Now that I know... that you're stuck, too, I don't want to start another cycle. What if we're not together? How many loops would it take to find each other again? I don't want to lose you again." Her eyes feel wet again. "I lost you once, on the Collector Base. It was awful." Out of all the repetitions, she remembers that one thing with dreadful clarity: his eyes going dull, his skin growing cold.
He says, a little sharply, "Shepard, I lose you every time."
She's actually crying now. "But I come back."
"Yeah." His voice is quiet. "You come back, but I never know if you're going to be with me or..."
"Shit. I'm sorry." She feels irrationally guilty about whatever those other Shepards have decided to do. And a little guilty about the times she's chosen somebody else, or no one at all. "I don't... want you to have to go through everything again, either."
A tremor runs through him. He runs one hand over his fringe. "I wonder what will happen, if we stop it."
"I don't know." Maybe it'll just stop, she thinks. She doesn't remember being dead, but she might welcome peace and quiet, oblivion.
He says, "I wanted—okay, I was joking about living off the royalties, and I knew it wasn't very likely we'd both survive, but—I hoped we could have a life together, Shepard. Whether we decided to retire or not."
She reaches out and clasps his hand. "I want that, too. Did then. Still do." She's had a lot of dreams: of long and storied careers together, of lazy retirements on the beach. Garrus is the one constant in all the dreams for the future she's had. Changing the status quo, trying to break out of this repetition they're stuck in, feels like an enormous risk. It could consign them to death. Or it could be their only chance at that life together. "I'm so tired," she confesses quietly. She's tired of having the same conversations, of watching friends die again and again, of doing the same impossible tasks. "Aren't you tired, too? Doing everything over and over again?"
He nods, slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. Especially when I have so little control. Shepard, do you really think we can change it?"
"I think you were right; it must be something at the end. Something to do with the Crucible, or the Catalyst." She frowns. "Whatever it is, I think we have to try."
"Okay," he says. "I'm with you."
She smiles. She hadn't doubted that he would be, but hearing him say it makes her feel warm all over. She holds his hand tighter. "I'm glad you are."
He says, "The good news is, if everything goes as usual, we have time to make a plan."
She laughs. "True." She sits up, surveys the mess of armor pieces cluttering up the Mako, and starts setting herself to rights. Garrus does the same. Once they're done, she climbs back into the driver's seat. "Come on, let's head back." She gives him a flirtatious look. "And then we'll go to my quarters and do that again."
To her surprise, he hesitates. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Shepard."
That actually stings. She tries to cover her hurt. "What? Why not? Are you worried about the crew? I think we're both capable of being professional." Surely they've demonstrated that; they weren't making much effort to hide their relationship during the war.
He shakes his head. "It's not that. What if it changes something else, Shepard? Something important."
"It's never mattered before," she says. "I've done things differently, now and then, and it doesn't seem to affect the course of events."
Some expression flickers across his face, too quickly for her to read. He takes a breath. "Who—" He breaks off and shakes his head. "No. I don't need to know."
She realizes what she said; she as much as admitted she's been with others. She grabs his wrist. "I love you. But there were—times I was trying to figure things out, or times I couldn't handle being with—a different version of you. Those aren't the same. Those were just—" She searches for the right words.
"Easing tension?" His voice is a little strained.
She sighs. "Well, yeah. Not... meaningless, but not serious, either." She swallows and asks carefully, "Haven't you ever...?"
He rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah. Okay. I have. Only when I knew I didn't have a chance with, uh, you."
"Tali?" she says, out of curiosity.
He winces. "Yeah. I mean, we've been through a lot together, and she—" He shakes his head. "I feel weird talking about this."
"It is weird," she admits. "It's okay. I mean, not okay that it's weird, but I'm not going to get upset with you for something that happened in another loop. Just... know that I'm in love with you. It's been you for a long time."
He shakes his head. "I love you, too, Shepard, but I don't think I deserve you."
"Don't say that. You deserve a lot better than you've gotten." She leans over to plant a kiss on the side of his face. "But the point is, I don't think my romantic life has much effect on the grand scheme of things."
"What about Cerberus? Usually we don't, um, get together until after you come back. What if they won't bring you back if..."
"If I'm sleeping with a turian?" Shepard frowns. At one time, she would have welcomed the idea. If Cerberus didn't bring her back, at least she'd be done with it. She's been unwilling to end her own life—too stubborn, too proud, unable to kill the tiny seed of hope that something would change, but if there were a way to opt out, well...
But she's not alone in the loop any more, and if she doesn't come back, she knows where that leaves him: alone, on Omega, waiting for help that's never going to come. So she thinks about it. From what she knows about the Illusive Man, she's not sure he would care; to him, she's a means to an end: more power. But she can't say that Garrus's concern has no foundation. "Okay," she says. "We'll be discreet. But, Garrus—I can't pretend this is nothing. Not after going through everything and finding you again. I thought I was all alone, and I talk to... the other Garruses, but it's not the same, they're not you, and I... I don't want to give you up." Her voice is breaking again. She hasn't cried in so long, and today she's just leaking everywhere.
He lets out a deep breath, and for a moment she thinks he's going to be turian-stubborn about it, but he wraps a long arm around her shoulders and they lean against each other. "I don't want to give you up, either. But... we have to be careful."
"We will be," she promises.
They talk about the logistics of being discreet while they wait for pick-up. By the time they pull the Mako into the Normandy's cargo bay, they have a plan. The plan, however, meets its first test when they step out of the Mako. Wrex takes a look at the pair of them, then blinks and inhales deeply, deliberately. Then his face splits into a giant, toothy grin, and he guffaws. Ashley and the requisitions officer both give him funny looks.
"Shepard," he says, his voice rumbling with vast amusement.
Shit. He's onto them. He probably has a freakishly good sense of smell, or something. Shepard draws herself up and narrows her eyes at him. "Wrex," she returns, warningly.
He grins at her and turns his attention to Garrus. "Turian," he says, in a milder-than-usual tone.
Garrus nods.
They get into the elevator, headed up to the crew deck and the showers. (Not together, pleasant as that would be.) Shepard takes advantage of their moment of privacy to say, "He'd better not be difficult."
"I doubt he cares," Garrus replies. "He just thinks it's funny."
"Let me know if he gives you any trouble."
"Please. I can handle Wrex." Garrus shrugs. "I just have to keep saying things about the genophage so he can reply and feel like he's getting one-up on me. Eventually he'll decide I'm okay. It's not like I haven't done this before, Shepard."
She smiles. She wants to lean over and kiss him, but that's not part of the plan. And indeed, the elevator doors open, and they're side by side, not touching, perfectly decorous.
Being discreet means they don't touch each other, except in private. It means Shepard keeps a very even-handed rotation on ground missions; there will be no cause for complaints of favoritism. It means they make a point of not spending time together off-duty in highly public venues like the Citadel.
But he comes to her quarters, when they're both off-duty and there's time to spare. If that first time was quick and frantic, the second time is slow and thorough. They take the time to explore each other. She catalogs all the differences in his body from what he will be later; he gets acquainted with the scars that Cerberus doesn't restore; she re-learns the pleasures of his tongue, strong and flexible; he shows her how much he loves her nimble fingers and soft lips.
Even being discreet, they can't keep it a secret. More than one crew member notices Garrus entering or leaving Shepard's cabin, after all. But as Shepard feared, it's Wrex who eventually gives everything away. During a meal, no less; they're swapping comments on their various home cuisines and the more exotic dishes they've tried. Garrus, Kaidan, and Joker all admit to having tried opposite-chirality food. "What about you, Shepard?"" Kaidan asks.
She shakes her head. "Nope, never."
Wrex says, "Huh. I'm surprised. I thought you had a taste for dextro, Shepard. Or maybe you already have all you can handle." He chuckles and smirks at her.
Shepard glares at Wrex across the table. Garrus pauses for half a second and then resumes eating as if nothing had happened. Everyone else freezes. Joker looks from Shepard to Garrus and back and makes a choking noise. Liara blinks a couple of times and then droops in her chair, looking deflated. Kaidan's jaw clenches, and he suddenly becomes very busy with his plate. Tali tips her head sideways, saying, "What does that... oh. Oh!" She ducks her head and fidgets.
Ashley's eyes have been widening the whole time. "Ma'am?"
Shepard turns her glare around the table like it's a beam weapon. Everyone except Wrex and Garrus flinches. "Yes, Chief?" she says in an icy tone.
Ashley drops her gaze. "N-nothing, ma'am."
Kaidan is sullen for a week, though he's professional enough on-duty. Ashley doesn't say anything, but shoots baffled looks at both Shepard and Garrus whenever she gets a chance. Everyone else seems to adjust, and Shepard hopes that nothing dire will result from that little admission.