Chapter 4: My R Part 2

August 3rd, 2015

On the rooftop

"Connor?"

Connor didn't know what was worse, a creep or his sister. He tried to calculate it as the perfect daughter closed the door behind her. The wind brushed a strand of her beautiful chestnut hair. She instinctively pulled a few strands out of her wide-eyed gaze. Her skin seemed paler than normal.

"What the fuck do you want?" Connor growled. He didn't need another damn reminder on how he was the worst fucking person in the whole fucked up universe! Connor gritted his teeth and looked back at the rail. So close. Yet it was so far.

I can't do it in front of her…

"Connor…" she whispered.

"Yes, my name is Connor. What the fuck do you want?"

The girl's sad green eyes widened in awe. Connor noticed her lip tremble. Something she did when she was about to cry. Crap I did it again… Connor stood and shuffled his weight between his feet. He wanted to go over to her and comfort her. Comfort her for what though? What would be the fucking point? The damage is already done. He wanted to hop off of that rail. End everything right here. He wouldn't feel anything. He wouldn't be hurting anybody. There would be nothing. Nothing…

But he couldn't do that to Zoe. No...She deserved better. She didn't need to be scarred by seeing his dead body like that.

"You're-" her voice trembled and she cleared her throat. In a calmer, lower tone she asked, "What are you doing up here?"

"Breathing in Mother Nature's asshole," Connor shrugged nonchalantly. "Who else would come to the fucking rooftop of the school?"

Zoe noticed the half-worn blunt on the ground. Her eyebrow raised and she looked worriedly at Connor. Huh. He hadn't seen that for a while. Not since he started. It's not like she would care. His family knew. It was prescribed when he went to those stupid therapy sessions.

"Well, I was wondering if we will be going home together."

Connor couldn't exactly tell her that he didn't plan on going home anytime soon. If at all.

One creep later and Connor's life officially became a nightmare.

"Aw hell no!" Maybe he can jump off the roof. Or better yet make Creep Pancakes by tossing him off the rails. That would be nice. One problem solved.

"Connor you need to get inside my mom's car right now!" Evan declared. He froze when he saw Zoe. Connor's little sister looked like she was ready to hug and strangle Evan at the same time. Connor wished for the latter. No, he should probably do it. The media will have a field day and Connor Murphy would have his moment of fame. Going to prison for the murder of Evan Fucking Rapist Hansen.

"Totally not going in your creepy white van," Connor snapped.

"Huh?" Zoe said in confusion.

"No! I didn't mean it like that!" Evan yelled. He waved his hands around nervously. "I-I uh meant that my mom is here to pick us up and-" Evan gulped, "Zoe why are you here?"

"That's my line," Zoe said harshly. Her expression filled with disgust.

Something inside Connor told him that this was the moment that the big brother came and beat up someone for his little sister. For once Connor wouldn't have a problem doing so except that said someone had a weapon. A special weapon disguised as a fucking cast that could knock his sorry ass out. So Connor just stood there and watched the exchange. Zoe was on her own for this one. As usual.

He already had his brawl with that broken arm. Connor mentally shuddered at the memory.

"Connor and I were going over to your house to um...have dinner?"

Zoe took a step back. "Wait what?" she recited the common Murphy line of surprise.

"Mom is all googly eyes over his mom like she just found her secret lover or a puppy...something like that," Connor rolled his eyes. "They kept on squealing. It's not like I am going. So both of you can fuck off while I go hop over to Lala land." Maybe it would be a literal hop. He didn't want to get the damn pills at home because then that meant he would have to endure two moms being mom friends. He already had that cup of bullshit for the day.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Zoe suddenly said. "Let's all go together."

"Huh?" Connor and Evan exclaimed in unison.

Headed to the Murphy's household

A tattletale threat later and the Murphys were in the back seat headed to their home. Evan's mother was behind the wheel, humming along to a Kenny Chesney song while her son stole a few tentative glances of the two siblings. Connor had his arms crossed and scowled at the world past the car window. Zoe leaned on the car door. Her lips were pressed together. It took Evan's seventh glance to notice that her eyes kept wandering to the teen sitting next to her.

"So how was everyone's day? Aside from Evan being silly that is," Evan's mom asked.

Connor remained deadly silent. Not much different from the Connor Evan knew. Zoe forced a small smile, "It's the first day so nothing much really happened. Just the usual syllabus and learning the classroom's rules."

"I see! The first days are always boring aren't they?" the woman said happily. "Oh sweetie is this the right turn?"

"Yes, and make a right at the next stop sign after this," Zoe replied.

The rest of the ride consisted of Zoe giving Evan's mother instructions to their house. He watched her eyes wander to the beautiful homes that proved that many rumors about the neighborhood were true. This was a perfect neighborhood with rich families. Evan smiled. It was something small, but it was nice to watch her look around in awe. He remembered feeling so small in this neighborhood. It reminded Evan how rich the Murphys were.

Nice home. Nice car. Nice stuff.

And Connor threw it all away. This was everything that Evan could only dream of having. Everything that he wanted, Connor had. He wondered if Connor would think the same thing if he came over to his house. Probably not. It would probably be an eye opener of the kind of amazing life Connor had. Or could have had. Evan had yet to determine to allow himself to get lost in this world. The world where he didn't stand by like a coward.

They finally arrived to an eager Cynthia Murphy. Connor was right about the squealing. Evan could admit that. The two woman began jabbering the moment Mrs. Murphy welcomed them in. Connor sulked past the women and up the stairs. The dreadful sounds of his feet treading their way upstairs sent chills down Evan's spine.

Should he go upstairs and follow him? Connor obviously hated him. Maybe he would try to kill himself now! Anxiety began to build up inside him until Zoe tapped his shoulder. Oh right, he had someone else to freak out about. Zoe Murphy's obvious disgust with his existence didn't help.

"I need to talk to you, in private," she practically hissed. She turned to the happy mothers and announced, "Mom, Evan and I are going upstairs."

"Alright dear!" Mrs. Murphy said. "Heidi and I will be down here if you need us!"

And God himself declared unto the two children, "Keep the door open!" Evan whirled around to find the source of the voice. Mr. Murphy entered from the dining room and leaned in the doorway with his arms crossed. He sent warning daggers towards Evan. Zoe nodded and grabbed Evan's hand to drag him up the stairs.

Evan prayed that he wasn't sweating. He embarrassed himself enough to Connor, he didn't need to ruin his chances with Zoe again! Would he try to get back together with her? God he didn't deserve her. She was so beautiful, inside and out. Yet that brought on another question. What did she want with him?

He remembered Zoe's room well. It was unkempt in an organized way. If that made sense, then again nothing in Evan's life seemed to make sense. She had a nice bookshelf filled with pictures and trophies from the past. Her desk had her laptop and a small pile of notebooks. A bra was hanging on the wooden chair, causing the teenager to blush and look to her unkempt closet.

Zoe left the door slightly open. She kept her back to Evan who nervously searched for escape routes. She took a deep breath and said in a soft voice, "What is going on?"

"Huh?" Evan scratched his cast. What did he do this time?

Zoe turned around, her eyes puffy from the tears that were ready to gush out. She continued in a bubble of sobs, "What is going on? Why is my brother alive?"

Did she know? Evan went to her and stuttered his movements to hug her or not. They weren't together. And if she knew everything he knew, then she definitely wouldn't want any comfort from him. "Do you know what I know?"

"That my brother killed himself last year and now I wake up today back in time as if nothing happened?" Zoe answered. She nodded, "I thought this was some kind of dream about my past classes or something…" she pushed passed him and sat on her bed and wiped the tears off of her face. They came back with a vengeance. "And theh-then I see him on the rooftop like nothing happened. God, I almost forgot how much of an ass he was. Evan, what the actual fuck?"

"I don't know what's going on!" Evan exclaimed. He lowered his voice and paced around the room, "Last night I just had spaghetti and meatballs with my mom. And I wake up in English class, the period right before lunch where I see Connor for the last time. Before he-he…"

Zoe shook her head in denial and ran a hand through her soft hair. "But I heard that you and Connor got into a legit fight. That obviously didn't happen last time. So that's why I thought this was all some messed up dream."

"I thought so too...but so far it isn't a dream...Ah-as for that fight thing it was just some crazy misunderstanding!"

Zoe narrowed her eyes and sniffed back her tears. "This obviously didn't happen last time either. So I guess you are as clueless as I am about what the hell is going on?"

"Yeah...Just…" Evan scratched his cast again and stared at the name on it. "Unlike before...I didn't want to just let it all happen again. You know? So I was stupid and caused that little fight between Connor and I." Although Connor would describe that event more colorfully.

Zoe fidgeted with the cuffs of her jeans and closed her eyes. A few, possibly the last, few tears raced down her red cheeks. "Yeah, I get what you mean. When I realized that everything was just too real to be a dream, I looked for him. I didn't know what I was thinking or what I was going to do. I just-" she let out a shaky breath, "I just needed to see him. To save him."

Evan's heart skipped a beat. She felt the same way Evan did the moment he tackled Connor. The moment he decided to change fate. Was it fate if it never happened to begin with? Was this some kind of cruel joke?

"I wished I knew what was going on," Evan began. He took a deep breath as his heart ached at the memories of his stupidity. The memory of seeing Connor Murphy being buried six feet underground stained his heart. Something that he prevented, more like postponed, today. "I don't know what to do. Except to actually do something."

"Do what?" Zoe glared at him. "Lie like last time?"

"In my defense, Connor did that. Sort of...but actually try to be there for him."

"In other words, you are going to seduce my brother?"

"Why do you have to say it like that!?"

Zoe weakly smiled and laughed genuinely, "I heard rumors." Her pathetic giggles died as depression swept over her face. "Evan...I don't know. I see my brother alive. And thank God he is alive...but he was- he is not the guy you painted him out to be last time."

"I kinda realize that. He's really terrifying," Evan said quickly. "I wanna hide under a rock when he passes by."

"Makes two of us."

Evan stopped moving and stood tall. As tall as a pathetic human being like him can be. No. I am not like before. I am different. I know more. Over a year of letters, he changed. He threw his insults to himself into the mental trash can. With determination, he looked to Zoe Murphy. "I don't care about last time right now. I messed up big time." Zoe avoided his gaze and took a pillow to hug. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve anything from anyone...Yet I want to ask you for your help."

Zoe closed her eyes. Her fingers dug into the fluffy pillow. Evan continued, "I want Connor to realize his own worth. So he can live."

"What if he is worth nothing? He might already be too far gone. My family and I made sure of that last time. Because we fucked up too."

"And that was last time."

Zoe bit her lip.

"Fine, don't help me. I thought I was going to have to do this all alone anyways. But I am going to do what I should have done last time. Now I have a second chance and I can't screw this up."

Zoe didn't reply. She opened her eyes only to look outside her window. The sun was setting behind the mountains. The sky exploded in a mixture of blue and gold.

"I am going to do what I can to save your brother."

"Hey kids! Dinner is ready!" Mrs. Murphy called from downstairs. "We decided to order pizza!"

Zoe went to the door and shouted back, "Okay mom! We'll be down in a minute!" She opened the door wider and said gently, "Connor stopped coming to dinner months ago. He's probably in his room…" She handed him a silver key. "I'm going to wash my face...And I'll come up with an excuse for you when I go down there."

"Thank you…" Evan said in awe. Zoe never ceased to surprise him.

Zoe scoffed and said darkly, "Just don't screw up again...I don't want to have to bury my brother a second time." She went to the bathroom. Evan stood in the middle of the hallway and stared at the door that the key opened to.

Mustering up his courage, Evan opened the door. He prayed he could open Connor's heart to save him.

Connor's Room

Connor fell asleep. His intention was to...do something. He had a purpose for running off to his room. What was it? Hide from Perfect Murphy and Creep? Must have been sleep. The moment he slipped out of his boots he fell head first into his pillow. It's a wonder he didn't suffocate to death.

There was nothing, at first. Connor felt cold. He hugged himself and rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm himself up. That's when he noticed he wasn't wearing his sweater. When Connor looked down he saw a suit. Confused he inspected his body. Yep, he was wearing a suit. He loosened the death grip a red tie had around his neck. Damn, how could people wear these things? Maybe that's why his dad was always so pissy. He wore stupid shit like this all the time.

Why the hell was he wearing a suit?

Connor's mind relaxed as his body ached. He just felt so fucking tired. Yet he couldn't fall asleep. God...well he was dreaming, right? It's weird to be tired in your own dream. Connor closed his eyes and smelled the air. He smelled grass, and metal. The air around him became cold. The temperature seemed to continue to drop. He could hear his heartbeat slowing down.

So tired.

So fucking tired …

"Hey kids! Dinner is ready!" his mother shouted. Connor jolted awake to find the darkness of sheets. "We decided to order pizza!"

Groggily Connor turned his head to the wall his bed was against. What time is it? Feels like an episode of the Twilight Zone. The teenager snuggled back into his bed. This time he squiggled underneath the thick sheets. He clutched the pillow against his chest and buried his face in it again.

His thoughts remained on that strange dream. It felt too real. More real than when he was actually awake. Weird. The built-up exhaustion from the day began to cash in their earnings.

Connor wasn't hungry anyway. No one would miss him if didn't go downstairs. Perfect Murphy and Creep were probably best friends. Ha. It would make sense. Zoe was so beautiful. She was sweet and kind. Connor didn't deserve to have her as a sister. He didn't deserve anything. She deserved a better big brother.

Evan, that fucking weirdo, was-

Light suddenly escaped into his dark room. Unnatural light. Connor made sure he couldn't seen the light of day in his room. He only removed the curtains to look at the night sky. It calmed him down sometimes. This light was only brought to life by the state if the art light bulb from Home Depot.

The teen dared to look at the source to find Evan Hansen. Evan this. Evan that. Evan is everywhere. Its like he is the main character for some kind of depressive slice of life story. In Connor's case its the antagonist for his soon to be memoir. Why the hell is he everywhere?

"Hey um...Connor," Evan greeted. Fucking awkward as usual. He resembled the normal quiet kid in the background that Connor knew. Connor sat up instantly and readied himself to bolt out of his room. That's this creep's fucking plan! Get me at my most vulnerable situation and strike! But this time I am ready for his tackling cripple attack!

Evan visibly flinched at Connor's distrustful gaze. "I am sorry," he said softly.

Connor rolled his eyes. "Didn't you already say that before?" He seriously hated people who repeat themselves over and over all the fucking time. It was annoying. Say it once and that's all.

"Dinner is ready."

"I'm not going," Connor shrugged. He leaned on the wall, his fists clenched tightly. "So what the hell do you want?"

Evan glanced at the ground, seeming to be in deep thought before changing his gaze to Connor. There was something in his eyes. Anger? Passion? Determination? Connor couldn't interpret it.

"Aren't we supposed to be fake friends?"

"I think fake friends gets translated into something else Tom Brady," Connor sneered. Maybe I can scare the fucker off. He was skittish enough.

Evan took a few steps in and took in Connor's deathly empty room. Connor spent a lot of his time in here when he wasn't outside doing random shit or downstairs arguing with his family. Which meant he was here a fourth of his time. Quite a bit if Connor said so himself. He watched Evan.

The guy reminded Connor of a scared cat. One that is thrown in a dog's kennel. He was obviously scared yet he was trying to appear big. Or in Evan's case, brave. At least that's what Connor could tell.

Unless he is looking around just to add on to the crappy rumors about me.

Connor bit his bottom lip. His voice laced with venomous sarcasm he asked, "So what's it like to look into a freak's room?"

"Hm? Your room is-" Evan's eyes widened as he continued his idiotic search, "-dark…"

"That's my grand secret. I love dark places!" Connor replied. A half-truth was good.

"Why?" Evan asked.

"Most people avoid it," Connor replied. I don't deserve to be in the light. I will die alone in the dark so no one will have to be bothered. I am all alone. Now that Connor thought about it, being in the dark was like his dream. As strange as it was, being alone felt like that. Would dying be the same?

"I see. Can I sit down?"

"Why don't you run off downstairs and entertain the masses?" Connor raised an eyebrow.

"Because I want to be with you."

"Eh? What's your endgame here? Want new content to talk about with your asshole called a friend?" Connor growled.

"Are you talking about Jared?"

"Whatever his name is, he doesn't know jack shit."

Evan twiddled his thumbs. "Jared doesn't have a filter." Was he blushing? It might have been the light from the hallway and lack of light in his room.

"No shit."

"But what you said before, about being fake friends?" Evan said. Connor nodded for him to continue. "I was wondering if we could take out the fake part and be friends?"

"Is tackling part of the friend initiation?"

"Oh my God no one will seriously let that go. It is getting old," Evan muttered angrily to no one in particular. It was stupid. Stupid enough for Connor to laugh at his dispense.

Connor giggled, "It kinda happened a few hours ago." He shook his head. "You act like it was a billion years ago."

"After everything else that happened? Yes, it has-" Evan snapped back only to freeze. "Uh- I...I dunno…"

"God you're fucking weird."

"So are you."

"Touche."

They sat there in silence. Connor allowed his thoughts to consume his attention. This guy wanted to be friends. He had a list of crap to go through to see if he was friendship material.

Evan was quiet. Normally. Recently he's been running around and knocking the shit out of random people. Other than that, he was no one. Unlike Connor, he wasn't the joke of the crowd. He wasn't the freak that everyone made him be. Evan never seemed to have participated in the bullying. Or in the rumors. He was never involved. In group projects, he seemed okay enough. Connor rarely interacted with him. In the eyes of the common people, he didn't attract any attention. Maybe that's why he felt guilty when he yelled at him. He did nothing. He said nothing. He was nothing. That also meant that he had no one. Today might have been the most exciting day in Evan's life.

"I want to be a real friend," Evan added.

And this no one wanted to be his friend. It literally took someone who had nothing to do with Connor's misery at school, at home, to have the desire to get to know him. To take a simple polite gesture like signing his cast into a reason to be his friend.

"I'm not friend material," Connor muttered. He turned his gaze away from the other. He couldn't stand to look at those blue eyes. "I am not really social material."

"Neither am I."

Stubborn bastard . "Being my friend is like going on the highway to hell."

"Then when can I start that dance with the devil?"

Damn, that was the smoothest thing he ever said. Connor laughed again. "Alright you got me!" He raised his hands in mock surrender. "You're fucking stubborn."

"You're worse than me," Evan raised an eyebrow.

"I guess we can try to be friends?"Connor didn't know if it was a statement or a question.

"Yes!" Evan exclaimed and stood up with his hands raised in victory. "Perfect-uh...I mean good!" He scratched his cast. He couldn't hide his wide smile.

Connor scoffed again. "Yep...fucking weird."

"You've said that too many times already."

Connor stood and towered over the shorter teen. Evan took a step back, earning a smirk from Connor. "Alright, Evan. Since you are so determined, let's be friends. I wish you the best of luck."

"Ah-alright," Evan stuttered. He held up his good hand. "Friends?"

Connor nonchalantly grabbed his hand and they shook. Thank God he isn't sweating. "For now creep. But you owe me a tackle."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry, I'll wait long enough for that arm to heal," Connor tapped the cast. He walked to the door and gestured for Evan to leave.

"Wa-wait. But I am being serious about this. Tomorrow we have to um...meet each other at luh-lunch!" Evan said.

"See you at computer room again. But I would like some alone time now. And I bet they are wondering if I killed you yet," Connor replied.

Evan reluctantly left the room. Connor gladly shut the door. God I thought he would never leave! Connor locked it and skipped back to his bed to be lost in its unsatisfying warmth. The darkness crept around him as he took in the cruel cold air.

He was still fucking tired. Connor stayed awake long enough to hear Evan's retreating footsteps. His heart marched in time before completely fading away. Just like his existence would be.

Author's Note:

I'm not going to say anything other than...I got a new doggie! It took someone breaking into my house and all but hey! New doggo! Oh goodness, I could go on about her and my other four-legged children! Then a few big things happened that made me unable to actually get on my computer so everything I wrote is on paper.

Sorry for the absence and due to that fact, two chapters will come out in one day! The next one will be published in 11ish hours so that there is some waiting time. All is a pathetic attempt to ask for forgiveness. Anyways I hope no one has gotten tired of this yet because I had to renew myself for this musical. Hopefully, after the first week of my classes, I'll have a proper schedule and survive off of caffeine to write and study as usual. For now, I won't give a certain date, I feel like I am rushed or I will miss it.

Quite a few readers have said that they want to see these dorks get together. Guess two adorable dorks are getting together! Haha. So thank you Guests, Star-eyed-anime-lover, TheSinicanEmpire, PurpleKitten, FlamingoHipster, mdmpinkie9088, daydammayhem, and AI.G (You're English is fine! If you need help don't be afraid to ask!) for all of your comments!

I enjoy the feedback and I am happy that this is engaging. And it's fun to see the audience slowly grow over time! That's thanks to everyone here! Other than that I have nothing else to say but have a wonderful day/night

P.S. I almost put this "Yes, my name is Connor I am the android sent by cyberlife." In response to Zoe calling his name. I just finished my own personal playthrough of Detroit Become Human for research and fun...I love it and it's so funny that my two favorite characters from these stories are named, "Connor." Yet they are complete opposites. Just so tempted to throw that in there. But Detroit obviously came out in 2018 not 2015 where this takes place.