AN- Final chapter folks and not surprisingly it is longer than the others- I guess Sam and Andy have a lot to say to one another...Enjoy!
Absolute Resolutions: Chapter 4.
"I need to take a shower," Sam said without looking back at her.
"Do you me want to go?" Andy asked, her voice finally reflecting her vulnerability.
"No," he replied. "I just need to freshen up after my run."
Andy relaxed, placed her bags on the coffee table and began to undo her coat.
"I won't be long," Sam said finally glancing in her direction for the first time since they had walked through the door. "Just... just make yourself at home, okay?"
Sam tried to keep his voice level, suddenly panicked that she would be gone when he returned.
"Okay," she nodded slowly.
"Okay." Sam returned the nod and left the room.
...
Twenty minutes later, they were stood with their backs against his kitchen counter. Andy had one hand curled around a mug of coffee and the other hugging her waist. Both of Sam's hands were clutched tightly around a large mug of green tea.
Since when did Sam drink green tea?
The inescapable silence that had filled the room was palpable. Andy suddenly willed Sam to say something, anything, but he remained silent.
"It's a really nice house, Sam," Andy began. "Modern, spacious..."
Sam cleared his throat. As if suddenly aware of his need to join in the conversation.
"It wasn't always that way. I've spent a lot of time renovating," he explained. "Upstairs still needs work, but I'm happy with what I've done downstairs."
"Do you want to show me around?" She asked uneasily. "I'd love to see what you've done."
Sam cleared his throat again. "Sure. Sure, McNally."
...
"The front yard will look beautiful in the spring. You should start to plant some flowers now, maybe even a rose bush," Andy said excitedly.
"I'm not really green fingered," he shrugged, and rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
"I could help," Andy offered.
Sam paused for a second as if he were considering her offer before declining.
"Well, maybe next spring then when you are more settled..." she trailed off.
More Silence.
"Are you hungry?" he suddenly asked remembering lunch.
"I could eat."
"Good. We could have it in the living room," Sam suggested. "I'll get some plates and cutlery."
"I'll help."
"Sure."
They sat at either ends of the settee, plates perched on their laps. Andy ignored the butterflies in her stomach and bit into an olive. She kept trying to think of things to say, and she came up with many, but all seemed inappropriate. They both concentrated on their meal and an awkward silence settled over the room once more.
"This is nice," Andy smiled tightly, as she sank back into the cushions.
They used to do this all the time before she thought miserably to herself. Watch television and eat junk food in companionable silence, but now things were just awkward. Awkward and silent.
They ate silently as the television played softly in the background.
Sam pierced a piece of smoked ham with his fork. It was one of his favourites and Andy felt a small pang of satisfaction when he softly moaned in pleasure as he took a bite.
"I haven't eaten meat in a while," he explained relaxing a little. "I've been watching my diet."
Andy cracked a small smile, but did not comment and ate another olive.
It was clear they both didn't have a clue what to do or say, so they drank tea, ate and watched the news in complete silence.
They never spoke about any of it. Why they broke up in the first place, why she left, why he brought a house, why she came back, the waitress he'd been seeing and what the hell they were both doing right now.
Andy almost starts to cry at the mammoth task ahead of her, but she remained hopeful. Or maybe she was just stupid, she couldn't decide which one at that point. They needed to talk, but right now just being in the same room was a monumental achievement.
One step at a time.
Unable to take the silence any more, she cleared her throat and said, "Sam, we should probably talk."
Sam settled back in his seat, and pressed the button on the remote control. Selecting some celebrity reality television series which was more for Andy's benefit than his own, he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. His voice became softer when he spoke again. "I know we have to talk this out. Just not now."
He was trying to avoid the conversation that would inevitably turn ugly.
...
Andy stayed long enough to finish her lunch, watch a talk show before she walked home. They said an awkward farewell as she clumsily pressed a gloved hand to his cheek. Sam watched her leave and he longed to pull her back into his arms and to hell with the consequences.
"Andy, wait!" he shouted.
She turned back a little surprised.
"Are you going to work today?"
"No, I'm off for the next few days and then I'm on nights."
"Do you wanna hang out tomorrow? Have dinner or something?"
Andy smiled brightly. "Yeah," was all she managed.
'Something' turned out to be gardening. Andy arrived a little after 10am with a tray of bulbs ready to be planted.
"I thought we could plant these," she announced.
Sam stared at her bemused, which made Andy more than a little uncomfortable. She silently cursed Traci for another one of her bright ideas. After Andy had told her what had happened, or rather lack of what had happened the day before she suggested an activity they could do together to break the ice. Once they finished laughing at totally inappropriate things, Traci declared that gardening was something safe and neutral.
"I don't really do the gardening thing, McNally."
"It's not hard, Sam. You just dig a hole and drop a bulb in."
Her face looked so hopeful that Sam relented and went to put on his boots.
...
He actually enjoyed himself. They spent a long time just preparing the ground; pulling out weeds, loose twigs and stones. They didn't say much to one another, and that was fine for both of them. They were starting to become accustomed to one another's presence again. Maybe Traci was right after all.
Across the yard, Sam smiled at her. Andy yawned tiredly at smiled back.
"Shall we take a break?" Sam asked.
Andy nodded.
…
They sat crossed leg on the floor of his front yard drinking lemonade and eating crackers. Sam chuckled softly to himself as he watched Andy sort out the bulbs into groups with great concentration. She saw him looking and blushed.
"I can't decide whether is would look nicer to group them together by colour or type of flower," she explained.
"Maybe by type of flower," Sam offered casually.
"Yeah, I think you're right," she agreed as she rearranged the bulbs again.
"I'm surprised Tanya didn't help you with the garden..." Andy concentrated on the task at hand rather than looking at Sam.
Andy promised herself that she wouldn't bring up the waitress, but she couldn't help it. If Sam was surprised he didn't show it. He ate another cracker instead.
"Tanya wasn't really the gardening type," he said casually.
"No?"
"No," he said firmly.
And she knew she should have left it there, drop the subject but it had been niggling her for some time now.
"So what type of person was she?" Andy pressed.
Sam took their empty glasses and placed them on his step. "Let's finish planting these," he said calmly. His expression still guarded.
They worked in silence again, but Andy was upset and Sam knew.
"I'm thinking of going to see Sarah this evening, maybe stay the night," he said, pushing another bulb into the soil.
Andy couldn't help but think that was a last minute decision, but kept her opinion to herself. She dusted the dirt off her hands, and stood abruptly.
"McNally," he said.
"I'm fine," Andy replied, but her voice suggested otherwise.
Sam stood too, but doesn't move and they have another long moment of silence, just staring intently. Andy knew she had no right to be upset, but she was. She doesn't care about Tanya, It's just the thought of him moving on so quickly and easily without her that burned. She didn't think she had it in her to date for a long time after Sam.
"I should go," she said and looked away.
"Fine," Sam replied. "Just call or text me to let me know you got home safely."
Andy didn't respond, and walked quickly away thankful he didn't see her tears.
She goes back to her apartment, switched off her cellphone, and ate chocolate ice-cream straight from the tub. Who was she kidding? All the lunches and gardening in the world couldn't get them to talk openly.
They don't speak to each other for two days.
He called her around 2am. She'd just finished booking two young men for disorderly conduct. Andy handed the desk officer some papers, and rooted around for her phone as it vibrated in her jacket pocket. She doesn't recognise the number.
"Hello?"
"Hey." It was Sam.
"You've changed your number?"
"I'm using Sarah's phone. I left my phone charger at home and the battery has died."
"Oh."
"I'm on my way back home, I just wanted to say hi." His voice sounded scratchy as if he has had little sleep.
She walked over to the vending machine, and pushed several coins into the slot.
"Why don't you drive home later on, get some sleep," Andy suggested as she selected a Snicker bar and ripped open the packet one-handed with her teeth.
She waits for him to say why he was calling so early in the morning, but his breathing was so soft and soothing that she simply listened while she chewed a mouthful of chocolate.
"She was fun to be with," Sam said after some time.
They both knew who he was talking about and as Andy took another bite of chocolate she decided not to comment.
"It wasn't about the sex," he said carefully. "It was about feeling something other than unhappiness and not being alone."
She closed her eyes to absorb that last statement.
"Andy."
"Yep."
"Tanya was a great girl, but at the end of the day she was a distraction from who I really wanted."
Andy stopped chewing as all these conflicting feelings whirl around her chest, which made her eyes moist.
"I have to go, Sam," she replied as if she hadn't heard anything Sam had confessed and disconnected the call.
Andy pressed her fingers against her eyelids and goes back to the booking desk to finish up her paperwork.
Her shift had finished and she walked toward Sam house. She wasn't surprised to see him sitting outside on his step so early in the morning. Sam didn't seem surprised to see her either.
"I couldn't sleep," he told her, and immediately felt silly for it.
"Me either," Andy said, "Working nights always wires me up."
"I remember," and his smile was a little wider for a moment before it faded.
She sat down on the step beside him, propped her elbows on her knees, and stared out into the street like he'd been when she'd found him. She felt him looking at her, but she didn't return his stare, because she wasn't yet sure what she wanted to say. She wasn't entirely sure what she was doing there.
He returned a minute later and handed her a mug of hot tea.
"Thanks," she yawned.
Finally, he turned away, and they sat like that in silence for a long moment. She blew her tea several times before taking a sip.
"Tell me I did the right thing, Sam" she said without looking at him. "Tell me you understand why I left."
"I can't tell you that, Andy." His tone was bitter. He sighed, "but I guess I didn't do a good job of that myself either."
Elbows almost touching, they stared out ahead and breathed in the cool, early fresh air.
She wanted to ask about Sarah, his detective exams and everything else in between but she doesn't, because she doesn't need to know that all of that yet. That can wait. What she needs to know if they can try again.
"Can we talk about us? Like really talk? Just lay it all out there," she said.
And that was what Sam was dreading, an ugly onslaught of words, accusations and ultimately the truth. He didn't think Andy was ready for what he was feeling. He didn't think he was ready for what he was feeling.
"You want me to tell you what's on my mind? That's not really how I do things," he said dryly.
Andy closed her eyes, "Alright, it isn't, but it's not..." she takes another pause and considered what she is about to say next, but Sam interrupted.
"After all these months you just want us to get it all out there like nothing has happened. I could barely do that when we were together," Sam readily admitted. "It's even harder for me now when I don't really trust you."
He didn't mean to cause the hurt expression that passed over her face at his words, but there it was.
Andy acknowledged his words graciously, after her initial shock. Sam was right, and that was the one thing she had overlooked. Sam was never that big on talking, and that was when he trusted her.
"I..." she doesn't know how to respond, so made a suggestion instead. "How about we just talk about what we've been up too since we've been apart?" she gestured for him to start.
"Work is fine," he goes through the motions. "I'm doing the detective thing. Jerry always told me that..." He stopped his thoughts.
"What did Jerry tell you?" She pressed gently, finally seeing an opening for something deeper.
"Jerry told me a lot of things," Sam shrugged indifferently.
It started to rain then, a gentle drizzling that blew onto them. It was pleasant enough to still sit in, so they remained where they were.
"Anyway, so I brought this house, spent most of my spare time fixing it up. Been to St Catherines a few times, spending time with Sarah..."
Andy sighed heavily through her nose, and placed her mug to the side of her.
"Isn't that what you wanted to know?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm. There was no anger in his voice, but there's something she can't place her finger on.
"Sure," she lied. "But I'd really like you to just talk to me, no holds barred. I can take it; just tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what's in your heart."
Fact: They say forgiveness is the key to healing, but the same can be said for speaking your mind freely.
Sam shifted and straightened his body. He could feel his frustration and anger riding to the surface as he placed the mug he was gripping onto the step.
"Bullshit." His eyes found hers. "That's my answer your question about whether you had done the right thing."
Andy looked surprised by his outburst.
"What? Do you want me to say you did the right thing by leaving the way you did? We both know what the answer is to that." He was breathing heavily now and Andy held her own breath in nervous anticipation as to what he would say next.
"You left to punish me. You left because a self-help book told you; a book given to you by your mother who we all know is the best person to give relationship advice. Just be honest McNally and admit it! How did walking away in the middle of the night help our relationship?"
"Probably just as much help as you dumping me with no proper explanation," she snapped in retaliation.
His gaze hardened at her words and she felt herself getting angrier. She was angry at everything that had been forced on them, and angry most of all at him, because he could have prevented all of this.
"You started this Sam! You, not me." She poked him hard in the chest to emphasise her point. "You broke things off with me! Don't you dare blame me!"
"That's right this it's all my fault, Andy McNally is never wrong!" He stood up then towering above her. "And before you say I walked away first, at least I let you know. As fucked up as it was, and I acknowledge it was fucked up, I told you…" He trailed off and sighed, pressing his fingers against his eyelids, trying to calm down.
Andy looked as if she were about the cry, but she didn't. Her hands shook a little and she shoved them into her pockets. Sam wanted to take her hand then and place a kiss on her wrist, just as much as he wanted to grab her and shake her hard for turning him into an emotional wreck. But instead he folds his arms against his chest, leans against the porch frame and slowly expelled some air.
Andy kept pressing for the truth, and he needed to say it. The one thing that his mind couldn't get over in all the mess.
"You know what really pissed me off? That you couldn't even be bothered to tell me you were leaving. I gave you the heads up when I knew I was going undercover." He growled this softly, and turned away again, eyes on the steps in front of him. "It hurt."
Andy needed to say something too, the one thing her mind couldn't get over either.
"You promised you would never walk away from us," she said. "And that really hurt too."
That final statement caught Sam off guard, and he cursed herself inwardly when he had no reply. It was true, he had promised.
"We sat on the back of your truck eating apple flips. My mom had just come back into my life, and you promised that you wouldn't give up on us without a fight if things started to go wrong. Where was the fight Sam when you broke things off with me, huh?"
Sam pushed away from where he was standing then and walked into the house. Andy followed not quite ready to let the matter drop.
"I guess it doesn't matter now anyway, it's all in the past right? I get it, we're over."
They were both now in the living room, Sam's arm braced on the back of the settee. He wasn't looking at her as he tightened his jaw.
"Andy...I didn't fight for us, because I had no fight left in me. My best friend had died and somehow I felt responsible." He stopped again unable to say much more without breaking down.
He'd been quiet for too long, and despite her anger she went to him anyway. Andy wrapped a hand around him, and placed her head on his shoulder. She felt him shake and take several unsteady breaths. She squeezed his arm reassuringly. "It's all right. I know it's hard for you to talk about Jerry."
They stood like that for a while and only when it seemed he had calmed himself down did she finally speak.
"I took the undercover assignment because I felt there nothing going well in my life. My mom and I...we were talking but we were so far away from having a close relationship, and I wasn't really sure I even wanted one. I was protecting myself from that and my feelings towards you. I also wanted to prove myself after your last undercover fiasco. I thought you would get that."
Sam squeezed her hand back and took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry Sam," Andy whispered. "I'm sorry I never told you I was going under but it all happened so quick."
"I am sorry too, Andy. I shouldn't have treated what we had so casually. I never saw what we had as casual even if it looked that way. I guess I'm just not very good at showing my true feelings."
He walked to the patio doors leading to his back garden and stared outside through the glass. It was still raining, soft gentle rain that in any other circumstance would be soothing and therapeutic.
Andy just stood there for a minute, watching him. She wasn't over-thinking or analysing as she walked over to the window, standing behind him, watching him watch the rain. Sam knew she was close, he could smell her shampoo and body lotion. He opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind, appreciating her presence instead.
"It hurt the first time you left too," he said softly, surprising her with the intensity of his gaze. He had never mentioned that to her before. The timing of her leaving along with their suspension left him angry too. "Because I missed you…both times," he clarified. He doesn't sound angry when he spoke those words, just honest.
"I missed you too," Andy told him, sharing another long look. "I still do," she added, before looking away.
"I worried about you when you were away. What if something happened to you undercover? What if you got hurt, or something worse? I wouldn't have had the chance to say goodbye."
"Sam..." Andy began.
He held his hand up, obviously needing to continue.
"The only consolation I have about Jerry was that I had a chance to talk to him, even made a joke before he..."
Sam clammed up again and Andy desperately wanted to make him whole again... and herself too. She'd spent too many nights as a young girl waiting for her mother to return (which she eventually realised wasn't going to happen any time soon), too many nights waiting for her dad to come home from the pub and too many nights waiting for the undercover assignment to end so she could be here with Sam, like this. And he was there, close enough to touch but she didn't have the right. She felt as if they were right back at the start of the maze when she was about to marry Luke and Sam was angry and pissed at her decision.
Andy suddenly realised then how tired she was. Her eyes slipped shut for a few moments, and already she felt drained.
"Are you gonna leave again?" Sam asked, taking one of her hands in his.
"Not without telling you first," Andy replied squeezing it gently. "I promise."
Later they would say it was the other who initiated the hand holding. She can't tell who took whose hand first, but it seemed like it was the start of the beginning for them.
Sam turned her to face him, and they both seem to share equal parts exhaustion.
"Sam," Andy said, and he finally leaned in.
When Sam kissed her, it was just the corner of her brow at first, quiet, tentative, and she closed her eyes and felt like weeping. He cupped her jaw in one hand, his thumb wiped away her smudged mascara and her eyes fluttered closed. He pressed a kiss against the centre of her right eyelid, before kissing the left.
She remained silent, and so does he, as his arms tighten around her and draw her toward him. In the warmth of the cocoon they've made she listened as the rain starts to tap noisily on the window pane and she never wants to leave. Sam doesn't want her to leave either and he thinks maybe this is enough for now.
He slid his fingers onto the back of her damp neck and pulled her head back to look at him in the dim light of the room.
"I'm sorry, Andy. I'm sorry for hurting you."
"I know," she said. She laid her head against his chest again.
It's silent again, and maybe their connection isn't so damaged after all, as she knows he's in deep thought. She can't tell what he's thinking, and he seemed so solemn and far away. She runs a hand down his back. Finally, he turned his head toward her and smiled apologetically.
"I'm just thinking how we never get to this point again," he rumbled.
"They say you're only allowed one break up," she whispered as she breathed in his scent. "We've had a couple already."
"They also say third times a charm," he smiled.
Andy smiled back. "I think I like that one better."
...
They end up talking for several more hours, over freshly brewed coffee and hot buttered toast until Andy called a taxi to take her home. Sam offered to drive her, but he looked tired too, so she told him to rest. She's working another night shift later and she really needs to sleep in her bed.
Sam crashed on the settee and slept better than he had in a long while. His thoughts were more positive.
Andy called him during a break the following evening.
"Hey," she whispered breathlessly. "I know it's late."
"Hey," he said back snuggling into his mattress. "How's the night shift treating you?"
"Uneventful," she said walking into one of the empty interrogation rooms for some privacy.
He could hear her moving around as he pulled his blanket closer.
"I wanted to see you yesterday, but my dad and I had our weekly lunch date," she explained.
Andy shifted her weight to her other foot, her heart beating faster than normal at being able to talk to him so freely.
"I remember McNally," he said. "Besides I don't want you to get sick of me just yet."
Andy laughed.
"Sam," she said tentatively, "I wish I was with you right now," she whispered shyly.
"Me too, sweetheart."
"I never told you that I learnt to cook." She was beaming at the phone. "When I was undercover, I worked in a kitchen of a diner."
"Well that I would like to see. So you don't burn water any more?" She could hear the smile, and the affection, in his voice.
"Funny" she said and laughed again. "But you could judge my cooking skills if you want. I make a mean breakfast."
"You want to make breakfast for me?" Sam teased, but it felt like it carried many different meanings of their many months apart.
"Yeah. I do. I really do if you'd let me," she sighed and shrugged at the same time still nervous of whatever they had become. "I can come around after my shift ends, I just need to go to the supermarket first."
Sam rolled onto his side and closed his eyes again. "Well that depends, McNally. What would you make?"
"French Toast, Eggs Benedict, Dutch Bacon, Sautéed Mushrooms."
"Very international," Sam commented.
"Well, I'm a woman of the world," she said playfully.
"And Coffee?"
"Colombian of course."
"Of course," Sam chuckled.
They're silent again, just listening to one another breath. But it was not awkward, it was comfortable.
"McNally?" he said after some time.
"Hmm..."
"I don't really like mushrooms, could you do tomatoes instead?"
"I can do that, or even a breakfast salad..."
"I can squeeze some fresh orange juice," Sam added.
"Sound like a date!"
Sam could hear voices in the background, and Andy swore softly under her breath.
"Sam I gotta go," she said quickly. "Sounds like the Sergeant is looking for me."
"Okay McNally, see you in the morning."
"Night Sam."
"Night."
Sam drifted off to sleep almost immediately, with a dreamy smile on his face. He looked forward to the chance to spend some quality time with Andy, he hoped they were heading in the right direction to make things work. He was also looking forward to a cooked breakfast that didn't consist of scrambled egg whites or vegetable smoothies.
After all it was a well known fact that breakfast was the most important meal of the day.
Happy Easter!