Chapter 4

The next day, the four boys sat at opposite ends of the bus. Kenny sat in the back with Lisa, Stan and Kyle sat together in the front, and Cartman sat in the middle, alone, and threatened to kick the boys in the nuts until Ms. Crabtree screamed at him to shut up.

At school, Mr. Garrison said, "All right, children, we're going to learn the philosopy of 'Herman's Head.'"

Cartman chuckled quietly to himself. "Sweeet. I got off scot-free!"

"Wait, Mr. Garrison," said Mr. Hat. "Isn't the fat kid supposed to read his book report?"

"Hah! Ah am not fat, godammit!" he shouted.

"Okay, Eric. We didn't forget. So, please get up here and read that report."

"Sonuva—" Cartman banged his head against his desk, and then walked up in front of the class. "Mistah Garrison, did ah evah tell ya you an' Mr. Hat have beautiful eyes?"

"Nice try, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "We both know I have beautiful eyes, but it won't get you out of reading this report, so get to it or it's back to first grade for you, mister!"

Catman muttered several expletives under his breath, then waddled up to the front of the class and began the book report to escape that fate worse than death. Meanwhile, several dark figures gathered outside the door and windows…

"OK. Ah read the book Criminal Records of 1994. Ah thought a lot of it was really boring, y'know, lahke people hittin' people an' robbin' stores an' stuff. But then ah read a VERY interesting article about a criminal called… LI'L TIGAH!"

Lisa gasped as Cartman glared straight at her.

"This particulah criminal was responsible fuh 12 'home-ih-ciders,' an' this person was onleh three yeahs old!"

All the kids gasped with fear. Lisa panicked.

"An' that person is…"

Knock-knock-knock!

"Open up, it's Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" came Mr. Mackey, the school's guidance counciler from behind the door. He entered the classroom and looked around. "Is Lisa Carrs here, m'kay?"

"Y-yes," stammered Lisa. Kenny looked at Lisa like something was up.

"The S.W.A.T. team is here to arrest you, m'kay?"

"Eep," gulped Lisa.

All of a sudden, ten guys from the S.W.A.T. charge in the classroom, grabbing Lisa, but Kenny grips onto her legs and pulls her into the closet for hiding.

"Alright, Li'l Tiger! We know you're in here!" shouted their leader.

Mr. Garrison hunches underneath his desk, clutching Mr. Hat. "Mr. Mackey, DO SOMETHING!"

"I'm sorry, this is something you and the S.W.A.T. team have to solve by yourselves, m'kay?" said Mr. Mackey like the typical guidance counselor would say. He promptly left the room.

The S.W.A.T team let off a barrage of gunfire, burning the contents of desks, flipping them over, blasting the blackboard apart, and sadly, whacking everything with Jimmy's crutches.

Meanwhile, Cartman is still reading his book report. Seeing that no one was paying attention, he shouted "HEY YA SONS-OF-BITCHES, PAY ATTENTION! AH WORKED FOR DAYS ON THIS BOOK REPORT! NOW RESPECT MAH MOTHA-F---IN' AUTHORITAH!"

The S.W.A.T. team sits either in empty chairs or on the floor. Everyone else quietly sits in their desks. "Sorry," mumbled one of the S.W.A.T. guys.

"That's better," said Cartman. "As ah was sayin' the shootin' spree was near the Cheezeh Poofs factorah in Duluth. Ah didn't know Duluth had a Cheezeh Poofs factorah! But ah love Cheezeh Poofs more than anything…"

As Cartman rambled about Cheesy Poofs, Kenny removed his hood to talk to Lisa, but the girl spoke first.

"Kenny, it's not safe for either of us," said Lisa. "Your family is poor and lives in a garbage dump, and people think I'm a wanted criminal called Li'l Tiger who caused twelve homicides when I was three years old. Let's leave South Park and start a new life together, just the two of us."

"No f---in' way," protested Kenny. "I won't leave my friends behind! Well, I'd leave Cartman behind, but NOT Stan and Kyle! And as much as I hate bing poor, I won't leave my family either."

"Listen, I've been… uh… traveling from place to place. Uh… because my family moves a lot because of my dad's job!"

"Speaking of which, Lisa, I've never even seen your parents before. How come?"

"Uh… uh… uh… they're always at work?" Lisa was panicking here. She wiped her forehead and accidentally activiated her bow, which turned her innocent-looking clothes into rubber clothes, complete with several weapons attached to her belt.

"What happened?" Kenny was shocked. "It's almost as if…" he gasped. "YOU'RE LI'L TIGER!"

"Uh… no… it's not me… uh… I was just holding these clothes for a friend!"

"You set me up," said Kenny. "and all this time I thought you loved me, you were just trying to kill my friends!"

"Kenny," said Lisa, "It's not like that at all!"

"You lied to me, Lisa. It's over!"

"But Kenny…" Lisa was beginning to cry.

"Screw you… I'm going back to class."

Before either could say or do anything, Officer Barbrady, who was with the SWAT team but arrived late, opened the door to the coatroom.

"AW, ISN'T THAT CUTE?" he shouted in his monotone voice to the SWAT leader. "THEY'RE PLAYING 'FOUR MINUTES IN HEAVEN!'"

"Barbrady, you idiot, it's called 'Seven Minutes in Heaven,' and one of them's an ex-convict!" said the leader of the SWAT team, peering in.

"OH! THAT EXPLAINS THE COSTUME. I THOUGHT IT WAS A HALLOWEEN PARTY!"

"Alright, lovebirds, the party's over," hissed the SWAT captain, dragging Kenny out of the coatroom.

"Ha-ha!" laughed Cartman, looking up from his report on how good Cheesy Poofs were. "Kenny came out of the closet!"

"Shut up, Fat Boy!" retorted Kenny.

"Kenny, cover your shame!" exclaimed Mr. Garrison.

Kenny realized his hood was still off, so he quickly put it back on and tied it over his face at lightning speed.

"Now what in the name of Rip Taylor is going on here?" demanded Mr. Garrison.

"It's alright, Mr. Garrison," said Lisa, slinking out of the coatroom. "It's me they want. Attention, third-graders of South Park elementary! I am not who you think I am! You thought I was mild-mannered Lisa Carrs, but in reality I was the homicidal maniac Li'l Tiger out to kill you all. I was going to… but then I met my true love, Kenny McCormick!"

Everyone looked at Kenny, then they all started laughing uncontrollably. Tears formed in Kenny's eyes, and he looked shamefully at the floor.

"Kenny showed me that not everyone in South Park is an expendible, useless hick. He liked me for who I was outside of my criminal personality, and I liked him. That's why we kissed so much!"

More laughter at Kenny. Even the SWAT team began to double over. Kenny began to cry.

"But now that Kenny broke up with me, I have nothing to live for. Take me away."

The SWAT team led Lisa out to their truck, and they all watched them cart Lisa away to federal juvie.

"…an' in conclusion, the book was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really…" a breath, "…really, really, really super groin-grabbingly good," said Cartman.

And now we're back to where we started: Kenny in the stage of heartbreak and Cartman getting an "F" on his report.

"AN 'F!' AN 'F!' HOW THE F--- DO AH GET AN 'F!' Ah had Cheezeh Poofs in there, for cryin' out loud!" Cartman was so mad his face turned purple. "This means ah'm goin' back to first grade, stupid Garrision sonuva…"

"So what?" said Kenny with his hood off. He had gotten used to his hood being off for so long, he liked the fresh air. "I lost my first true love. How did this happen!"

"Uh…" started Cartman. "Well… uh… ah… sorta… set this up."

"WHAT!" screamed Kenny in anger. He then pounded Cartman to the ground, and they started fighting.

"Hey look!" shouted a kid. "Hoodsy McGee and Fat Boy are going at each other!"

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" shouted the other kids, forming a circle around them.

"Hey guys," said Stan. No one paid attention. "GUYS!"

They both stopped fighting and looked at Stan.

"What's gotten into you two?" asked Kyle. "What's gotten over all of us? It's because a girl has come by doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore, right?"

"Yeah, dude," said Stan, "we should stay friends. There will never be another thing that should come between us."

"There'll be other girls like Lisa," said Kenny. He started sobbing.

"C'mon, Kenny," said Kyle. "I'll help you start your old life again."

"YOU guys can do that," said Cartman. "But as for me, ah'm gonna learn what 1 plus 5 is, so screw you guys, ah'm goin' to first grade!" Mr. Garrison led him to the first grade classroom.

"OK, class, we have a new student joining us today," said Ms. Fox, the first-grade teacher.

"Hell-ehw, Ms. Fox," said Cartman in an overly sweet voice. "Remembah moi?"

Ms. Fox turned white. "Er—Er—Eric C—C—C—C—C—Cartman?" She went insane, fell to the floor, and then rocked with her knees up to her chest. "No, Eric… be a good boy, Eric… put down the dynamite, Eric… No… NO!"

"Kewl! Ah caused her to go into a relapse!" exclaimed Cartman. He took an enormous roll of dynamite out of his pants. "Now this, kids, is called dynamite. Who wants to be the first to light somethin'?"

Suddenly there came a tidal wave of first-grader pee.

"AW YA SONS OF—"

That weekend, the four boys went to visit Lisa in juvie. Kenny felt sad.

"H—hi, Kenny," said Lisa from behind a glass window with a speaker in it. She was wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and was chained to her chair. "Be careful. They say I'm dangerous."

"You are dangerous," said Kenny. "Why did you lie to me, Lisa? Did you think I'd never find out?"

"I did it because I love you, Kenny. Don't you love me?"

There was a pause.

"Answer my question first," said Kenny. "Who are you?"

"What?"

"Who are you?"

Lisa sighed. "My real name is Evadne Cadaver. I was born in Del Muerte, New Mexico. I moved to Duluth when I was two. My mom was killed, leaving my dad. It's been really hard without a mom, so I took up a hobby of killing people to get my dad to notice me. But all he's done is pay attention to his work, and when he got transferred to Denver, we moved to the worse possible town… no offense, guys… I was so mad I was going to rob your stores and kill you all, then go to Tom's Rhinoplasty and get plastic surgery, then hitch a ride to New Jersey where I'd be accepted for sure. But… I guess my love for Kenny made me change my ways. Kenny, will you forgive me?"

"Excuse me, guys." Kenny put on his hood. "Llmmphuh… MMMRH MMH MMPHMRR HPH PRHMM MHRMHR MRRRRRRRMPH RMMPH MMM—MMRH MMMMHRHRRPH MPHRPHRH RMMMRRPHM!" He removed it again. "So screw you, Lisa… I'm going home."

Everyone stood in shock… even the guards, except for Cartman. "Now this kid's… got class!" He put a chubby arm around Kenny's shoulder.

"Well, Kenny, you've officially broken up with your girlfriend," said Stan that Monday after school. "So how does it feel?"

"I feel like sh-t that's been crapped twice and fornicated on," said Kenny.

"Hey, do you know what always makes me feel better after I have a fight with Wendy?"

"…Tequila?"

"No! I burn everything that reminds me of her or, even better, belongs to her!"

Kenny sniffed. "Burning sounds good."

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day plays

So the boys trooped over to Kenny's house, where they promptly gathered everything that belonged to or reminded them of Lisa—even down to the last eyelash and three skin flakes and crumb of food they shared—everything, and they threw it in a pile outsidewhere it would be burned. Kenny tried to light the matches, burned his gloves, and put them out.

"You wanna light 'em?" asked Kenny to Stan. Stan took the matches, lit them, and burned the pile. After everything burned and all that was left was ashes, Kyle asked, "Feel better, Kenny?

"Not yet," replied Kenny. He went inside and put back everything that was Terrence and Philip related in his room and kissed it. Then, he took out a box that said, "Never use unless of an emergency." He opened it, took out a bottle of superglue, opened the bottle of superglue, and poured it on his head. He then took his hood and pushed it on his head so he looked like he usually did. He went back outside. "That's better."

"Hey guys," said Cartman.

"Where were you, fatass?" asked Kyle.

"Ah was with the first-graders an' we made grenade footbawls!" He held up a football with a grenade sticking out of it.

"Whoa, dude!" Stan edged back. "Are you sure it's safe? It could still be active!"

"The first-grader pee probably put it out. An' besides, if it were still active, ah wouldn't do this!" Cartman pulled the tab. "Catch, Kennah!" He threw the football right at Kenny, who caught it. The second his fingertips touched the football, it blew up, killing him. All that was left was a skeleton in an orange parka.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" shouted Stan.

"You BASTARDS!" echoed Kyle.

Cartman looked at what was left of Kenny with a funny look. "Well whaddaya kneeeeeuh," he said, "it was active!"

Uh… the end!