Title: Need
PART FOUR
"Hello?"
"Hey. It's me."
"Hey. And I knew it was you, even before I picked up the phone."
"You did? Oh, did I wake you up? I'm sorry! I knew I shouldn't have..."
"Don't be silly. It's good to hear your voice."
There was a pause before she answered.
"Yes. It so is," she whispered. "You, um, seem so much more...what's the word..."
"Sleepy?"
"No, but now I know I woke you up. Um, how about relaxed? Earlier, when...well, you know."
"I know," she sighed. "And I'm sorry about that. It shouldn't be awkward, but...being around you..."
"I know, Tara. You don't have to...what I mean is...me too. With the sorry and the awkward and, and the...the..."
"I know," repeated Tara. And Willow could hear the smile in her voice. "But this is nice. And...safe, you know?"
"Oh yeah," agreed Willow, closing her eyes and pressing the phone just a little tighter against her cheek. "I didn't really have much to talk about. Just...wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep."
There was another silence.
"I miss that," whispered Willow bravely, hoping Tara wouldn't hang up on her.
Again the silence.
"Is that all you miss?" came her whispered tease.
Willow's eyes popped open in surprise even as she smiled.
"Wow. Willow Rosenberg speechless. Let me pencil this is in on the calendar," laughed Tara.
Willow didn't answer.
"Hey. You still there?" asked Tara.
"Yeah. Just listening to your voice," replied Willow, grateful that Tara couldn't see her wiping her eyes. "Say, you're not worried about Buffy, are you? Kinda sounded like a nightmare to me and what with all she's been through, I don't think we should be looking to the supernatural first thing."
"I guess not. But we should keep an eye on her."
"You're serious, aren't you?" asked Willow, sitting up in bed.
"Yes. I am. One symptom to watch for is the victim always being tired. You saw her yawning today," reminded Tara.
"Sure, but Buffy doesn't keep normal hours. She's out late most every night patrolling and doing goddess knows what else. Lucky for her that Slayers don't seem to need as much sleep as us mere mortals," laughed Willow, somewhat envious.
"I guess," sighed Tara reluctantly, ignoring Willow's 'knows what else' comment. "And she did ask for help."
"Huh?"
"Willow, a victim of an incubus would deny any involvement or admit there was a problem, and usually get quite defensive and upset about it. So it's a good sign that Buffy asked for help. I'm not saying we should worry, especially since she said he was anything but aggressive and didn't try to kiss her. In fact he insisted that her friends should know about what happened. But...I don't know," shrugged Tara. "Just a feeling, I guess. Something that makes your tummy just a bit queasy, you know?"
"Did Buffy say what he looked like?"
"He...um, no. But I didn't ask, either," answered Tara, remembering that only she knew about Spike. And she suddenly realized that Buffy hadn't actually said it was Spike she had been dreaming about. "Sometimes these things can take the shape of someone the victim trusts or loves."
"Someone's been research girl," teased Willow approvingly.
"I might've opened a tome or two," admitted Tara proudly. "Some writings go back to the early thirteen hundreds. Say what you want to about the Church of the day, but they took these rumors seriously and probably drove off one or two real incubi."
"We'll just ignore the fact that they later burned witches for kicks," lamented Willow.
"It's too late to be bringing that subject up. I don't want you getting all upset and losing sleep without..."
Tara didn't finish. She didn't have to. They both knew she was going to say without me there to comfort you. Tara didn't regret what she almost said. It was just painful to bring it up.
"Well, I'll keep my eye on Buffy. You could always do that detection spell without her knowing it if that would make you feel better," suggested Willow.
"Maybe. Has she been acting strangely lately?" asked Tara sincerely.
Again Willow didn't answer.
"Willow?"
"Um, I don't know. But I'll pay more attention from now on," answered Willow, speaking each word slowly so that Tara would...would what? Believe her? Would know that Willow knew? And knew what exactly?
"I know you will," said Tara.
Did Tara sound grateful? Or did her voice sound more like a warning, a challenge?
"Goodnight, Willow."
"Goodnight, Tara," responded Willow quickly, dreading the silence even before it came between them. Willow heard the phone click off. She just stared at the phone in her hand, not wanting to turn her light off and suddenly not feeling very sleepy at all.
*****
Buffy brushed her hair a few more times, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She placed the brush down and now stared at the closed and locked window across from her. Standing up, she turned the light by her bed off and waited until her eyes grew accustomed to the dark. Walking over to the window, her bare feet silent on the carpet, Buffy slid the latch over and lifted the window up.
The night air was still, calm. She stayed there, motionless and quiet like the darkness, listening, waiting, but she heard nothing and saw even less. Shoulders slumping, Buffy paused in front of her closet and then opened the door halfway before sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Get the hint?" she whispered, glancing around the room. With a sigh she settled under the covers and closed her eyes.
*****
Buffy opened her eyes, not even realizing for a moment that she was awake. She knew without looking at the clock that sunrise was still a long way off...at least it felt that way. Glancing over she confirmed what her Slayer instincts had told her; it was only four o'clock. As quietly as she could she sat up, the sheet slipping down and pooling around her waist.
"Giles?"
Her room was silent, the night quieter still. She took a deep breath and settled back down onto her back, pulling the sheet back up until it covered her up to her neck. Buffy kept her eyes open, staring at the ceiling, waiting simply because she didn't't know what else to do.
Kicking off her covers, Buffy sprang out of bed and reached for her phone, dialing his number. And yet as she listened to each ring, part of her prayed that he would pick up while another part of her was afraid that he would.
"Hello?"
Buffy let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding in. The voice on the phone belonged to a woman.
"Hello?" she repeated, this time a little louder.
"Excuse me, can I speak to Rupert Giles, please?" asked Buffy.
"I'm afraid he's not here at the moment. Can I take a message?"
"Oh. Um..."
"Buffy? Is that you?" asked her voice. And suddenly that voice seemed familiar to Buffy, yet she couldn't remember...
"Olivia?" asked Buffy cautiously.
"Yes, that's right. It is you! So nice to hear from you again...well, what I mean is it's been a long time, hasn't it?"
"Yes. A very long time. Do you know when Giles will be back?" asked Buffy quickly.
"Rupert is away on retreat. I don't expect him back until the end of the week. He's up in the Cotswolds, kayaking or some such nonsense. Said he never got the chance to do that when..."
The was a pause as Olivia realized what she had said.
"When he was my Watcher," finished Buffy.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"It's okay, I understand. Is there anyway you can get in touch with him to let him know I called? Maybe he checks in with you?" asked Buffy hopefully.
"I'm afraid not. Is there an emergency? I could call the Council and perhaps they could have someone..."
"No. No, there's no emergency. Just...just tell him I called," sighed Buffy.
"I will."
"When did he leave?"
"Two days ago," answered Olivia. "I'm watching his flat for him while he's gone."
"Oh. So you...I mean, you're seeing him again?" asked Buffy, wincing on the word 'seeing'.
"I wish I knew," laughed Olivia, though there was a touch of bitterness in her tone.
"I'm sorry, that was kinda rude of me. It's really none of my business," cringed Buffy.
"No, I don't mind. Actually, I was thinking of calling you. Buffy, Rupert's been so quiet since he got back home. Too quiet," said Olivia.
"Home," whispered Buffy.
"I'm getting a little worried about him. Hopefully this trip will help but, but did something happen? He's...he's just not himself. Buffy...I don't think he's very happy. I know he isn't, but he won't tell me why," sighed Olivia.
"How quiet?" asked Buffy, now worried.
"The quiet where you hope he's only depressed about something...something he'll eventually get over. And, um...he doesn't talk about you. At all. In fact, he changes the subject if I bring your name up. Did you have a falling out?" asked Olivia boldly.
"Um, no. At least I don't think so. It's been so long since we talked. I, I just...I just wanted to hear his voice again," said Buffy. She could hear Olivia slowly inhaling in disbelief.
"I'll tell him that you called," said Olivia, suddenly sounding like she wanted this conversation to end. Buffy swallowed, unsure of what to say.
"Thanks. Bye," whispered Buffy, hanging up the phone before Olivia could answer.
*****
Willow and Dawn came down the stairs together and looked at one another, their expressions in competition to see who could appear more confused. They stopped near the kitchen, peering around the corner. And again they looked at one another, Willow nervous, Dawn simply afraid.
"Smells like food," ventured Dawn.
"But...it's Buffy. Cooking," frowned Willow.
"Hey guys. Come on in, you're right on time. Bacon is already done and the eggs will be right up. Oh, I hope scrambled is okay. Dawn, can you get that toast? Coffee should been done too," smiled Buffy as she attended the frying pan.
"I can have coffee?" asked Dawn eagerly.
"Over my lifeless body," answered Buffy without turning around.
"Well, you're all perky girl!" commented Willow.
"Yep. Already did the laundry, too," smiled Buffy.
"Sleep good?" asked Willow, trying not to sound worried in front of Dawn. But Buffy didn't seem to care.
"Um, actually...no," replied Buffy, scraping the eggs onto three separate plates in turn. "But I'm not tired at all. I feel like I slept for like, twelve hours."
"But Xander said yesterday, when you fought that vampire..."
"I know, Dawn. But I'm fine now. Really. Just an off day, I guess," shrugged Buffy.
"No...bad dreams?" inquired Willow, pouring herself a cup of coffee to avoid looking at Dawn.
"Not a one. In fact, I think I'll go for a workout down at the Magic Shop this morning. Yeah, that sounds real good. I've got all this pent up energy. Gotta do something before I meet Tara," said Buffy, rinsing out the frying pan in the sink.
Willow coughed, leaning forward in an attempt not to spill her coffee.
"You okay?" asked Buffy.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Hot. Coffee. In the cup," said Willow, holding up her cup. "You're seeing Tara today?"
"Before lunch. I wanted to tell her...tell her that she doesn't have to research that project. You know. That project," repeated Buffy, casting a warning glance in Dawn's direction.
"Oh. Well, you know, you could just call her," suggested Willow.
"Yeah, but she wanted to return my...hat," said Buffy, suddenly dreading that she had brought that subject up again. "Um, Dawn, you all ready for school? I thought I'd walk with you today."
"Okay. But it's early yet. And I have to eat," reminded Dawn, picking up a fork as she took a plate off the counter.
"Right. Come on, Will. Dig in," offered Buffy, handing her a plate.
Willow smiled, but it was only a half-hearted attempt.
*****
"Hey, Tara. Come on in," offered Buffy, closing the door behind Tara as she entered.
"Well, this is a good sign," smiled Tara.
Buffy wrinkled her eyebrows.
"I don't have to wake you up. Like last time," reminded Tara.
"Oh. Right. No, I'm wide awake and chipper this morning. In fact, I'm headed over to the Magic Box for a workout later."
"Sooo...no dreams last night? No unwelcomed visitors?" asked Tara.
"Nope. Nada. And now I feel kinda embarrassed, bothering you. Guess you were right. Considering what I've been going through, an intense dream or two isn't unexpected. Watcha got?" asked Buffy, peering into the paper bag Tara was holding.
"Your baseball cap," smiled Tara, pulling it out from the bag and handing it to Buffy. "Thanks."
"Anytime," answered Buffy, though her smile subsided as she thought of Willow.
"And what Willow likes to call stinky sand," added Tara, holding up a glass with blue sand in it. Plastic wrap covered the top and was held in place by an elastic band.
"Hence the cover," commented Buffy.
"Yep. It's one of the ingredients for that detection spell. Sure we don't need it? Won't do any harm if there's no foul, so to speak," encouraged Tara.
"No," replied Buffy quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. "Will's doing so good. I know she's not here right now, but I don't want any magicks being played with. Harmless or not, we just don't know how it might affect her. Okay?"
"I suppose," shrugged Tara, unconvinced.
"Tara, if I have another dream, we'll do the spell. I promise. Besides, you yourself said that what's happened doesn't seem to fit the pattern of an incubus," said Buffy forcefully.
Tara nodded, somewhat mollified.
"Just keep this in your room, maybe, maybe under your bed where Willow won't find it. That way it's here if we need it later," said Tara, handing the glass to Buffy.
"Sure. I'll do it right now and then I'll walk you most of the way to class. The Magic Box is on the way," smiled Buffy, taking the glass and running up the stairs behind them.
Tara smiled but, feeling guilty, bit her lower lip. Still, she was happy that the potion was in Buffy's room.
*****
Buffy patted her face with a towel, watching the weight bag as it creaked back and forth on its chain. She had broken a good sweat and her muscles ached with that warm burn only being tired from a workout could give. Still, something was missing. And in the silent, empty room it was quickly and painfully obvious what was lacking. Giles. He should be here. Holding the punching bag, telling her about dropping her shoulder even when she wasn't, pushing her, encouraging her...being there for her. It was more than just her workout. He had touched so many aspects of her life in so many little, unseen ways, yet she had taken him for granted.
So was it her fault or his that he had left?
Buffy drained her water bottle and tossed it across the room in anger, unsure if she was mad at herself...or him.
*****
"So, whatcha wanna do now? Hey, how 'bout we rent a movie?" asked Buffy enthusiastically. "You know, I think you're old enough for Thelma and Louise."
"Um, Buffy? I have some homework to finish up. And I really appreciate the whole bonding thingy, what with you picking me up after school every day, the shopping trips, cooking dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner..."
"Dawn."
"And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I really like spending time with my sister, but I just want to hang tonight, maybe call Janice on the phone..."
"Dawn."
"Besides, I've already seen Thelma and Louise!" pouted Dawn.
"Dawn, I...you've seen Thelma and Louise? Where was I?"
"Patrolling. You know, that hobby of yours that keeps you out late most every night? The hobby that you won't let me be a part of?" reminded Dawn.
"You want a hobby? Take up crocheting. You'd learn a useful skill and at the same time might be able to add money to our meager savings if you sold what you made," smiled Buffy.
Dawn didn't look amused.
"I'm crowding you," winced Buffy. "I'm, I'm clingy girl. I'm overdoing the compensating. I'm over-overcompensating!"
"No. Well, not really," sighed Dawn.
"I'm sorry. Just trying to make up for my lack of not being here for you. Forgive me?" asked Buffy in a mock begging tone.
Dawn smiled.
"I'll forgive you if you get your butt out there tonight. You know, go wrestle with a demon or whatever you do to pass the time. I'll be fine."
Buffy eyes opened a bit wider but she nodded in agreement.
"Oh, and Thelma and Louise was on TV. They cut out the good parts," frowned Dawn.
"We'll rent the movie soon. I promise," smiled Buffy, giving her sister a hug. "Guess I'd better go get ready."
"Have fun," winked Dawn.
Buffy turned to hide her smile. And she continued to smile as she bounded up the stairs to her room.
*****
Even though he had just lit this cigarette, Spike threw it down and ground it out with his heel. He tilted his head, listening, waiting more for a scent than a sound. As if to confirm his suspicions that he wasn't alone, the insects around him suddenly fell silent. And he smiled even before he turned around, knowing, even feeling, that it was her.
She stepped up to him, her eyes, doe-like, never leaving his, so close he could hear her heartbeat now. Spike hesitated, then slowly leaned forward, his lips hovering near but never once brushing her own. Neither of them closed their eyes. He raised his hand, gently pushing her hair aside and she pressed her cheek against his palm. Only now did he give in and kiss her, his other hand slipping around her back to pull her close.
Buffy closed her eyes, letting the kiss linger. She felt his hand against her side, moving up...and she smiled as his body ever so briefly tensed when he realized she wasn't wearing a bra. She reluctantly pulled away from his lips and rested her forehead against his.
"Not here," she whispered.
"Why not?" teased Spike.
Buffy opened her eyes but looked down at the ground between them.
"I...I want..."
Spike cupped her chin with his fingers and encouraged her to look at him. He smiled for her and she took a deep breath.
"I want to spend the night with you," winced Buffy, as if ashamed to admit it.
Spike stepped back and nodded, though it seemed more of a bow to her. And he held out his hand to her. Buffy reached for him, then hesitated, staring for a moment at her callused palm, her dry and cracked skin, rough from the work she must do. The work no one else could do.
As if reading her thoughts, Spike took her hand before she could pull it away and raised it to his mouth, kissing the back of her hand softly then pressing her palm against his own cheek this time. Slipping his fingers between hers, he lowered their coupled hands and led her away. Buffy glanced at him once or twice but didn't speak, looking away if she thought he would notice. Yet she couldn't hide her smile from him. And Spike gave her hand a playful squeeze.
*****
Buffy opened her eyes, quickly realizing that she had woken up because she was cold. Spike was hogging the covers, a double insult as she couldn't snuggle against him and be warmed by his body. Pulling at least some of the blanket free from his grasp, she covered herself and silently cursed for once again not remembering to bring socks. Her feet were cold, but bringing socks would also be admitting to herself that this just didn't happen but instead was planned. Better to have cold feet than to confess that she had once again sought him out by her own free will.
The crypt was still dimly lit by a few of the candles that hadn't burned out yet. Buffy kept her eyes open, listening to the soft cadence of dripping water. The room was dark and not only because it was poorly lit. She again considered the idea of decorating this room by herself or at least making a few suggestions but just as quickly dismissed the notion; it would be an admission to both of them that she was a part of his life.
Should she sneak out now or risk facing him in the morning? Buffy didn't want to leave but knew that if she stayed he had a way to make her late getting home that she found impossible to resist. She sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around herself with one hand as she searched with her eyes for her clothes.
Even after she saw him it took a moment to realize that they weren't alone. He was across the room from the bed, the darkness not only hiding him but seeming to cling to him, as if he would have to struggle to emerge from it. Yet with ease, unhindered, he took a step forward, his face now silhouetted by the flickering candles. He wasn't smiling. If anything, he seemed embarrassed to be here, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, refusing to make eye contact with her.
"Giles! What are you...you shouldn't be here," whispered Buffy, casting a warning glance at Spike in the bed by her side.
"You can speak freely and without whispering. He won't awaken," promised Giles.
"Oh. You mean..."
"Yes, you're sleeping. I...I couldn't stay away. Not that I didn't try," grinned Giles, though his smile quickly faded.
"No, I'm glad you're here. We so need to talk," said Buffy, still keeping her voice low but not whispering now. Giles nodded and Buffy drew the blanket closer to herself. He looked down out of politeness.
"I'm sorry that I told you," sighed Giles.
"No. Don't be. You need to be honest with me. As I with you," added Buffy firmly.
"But...but if..."
"Giles, you've already told me. Now I know, so there's no risk of losing me or, or scaring me off. See? Still here. So come sit down beside me," said Buffy, patting the bed next to her. Giles hesitated but then did sit down on the bed. But at the far end of the bed, out of Buffy's reach.
"I haven't begun to tell you anything," said Giles, his mouth curling up at the corners. And his smile relaxed Buffy, soothed her, calmed her when she hadn't been aware of just how nervous she was.
"How long?" asked Buffy.
Giles raised an eyebrow at her. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"How long have you had feelings for me?" clarified Buffy.
Giles leaned back, his eyes on Spike as he considered her question.
"A long time. Almost worked up the courage to tell you once. Almost."
"Oh?" encouraged Buffy.
"Remember the ghosts of Grace Newman and James Stanley?" began Giles, phrasing his words like a statement and not a question.
"Of course."
"We...we were both...what I mean is," started Giles, looking up at Buffy but uncomfortably looking away just as fast.
"I remember, Giles. Angel was...gone. And Jenny was dead," said Buffy softly, herself now looking away when Giles flinched at hearing Jenny's name.
"You were so lost, Buffy. So scared. And I thought I could...help you. And, of course, I needed you as well. Together, maybe, just maybe..."
Giles took a deep breath and tried to smile.
"So, why didn't you? Was it my age? I had just turned seventeen," frowned Buffy.
"No. No, that didn't matter. Not to me. Oh, I would've kept us a secret, if there ever would've been an 'us'. But what held me back was what you said about forgiveness," said Giles, watching to see if Buffy would remember.
"Huh?"
Giles tried not to laugh.
"You said that James destroyed the one person he loved most in a moment of blind passion...and that was not something you forgave, no matter why he did it. No matter if he knew that it was wrong and selfish and stupid."
Buffy stared at Giles, her lower lip trembling slightly.
"If I had told you how I felt...and if you didn't feel the same way..."
"Giles," whispered Buffy.
"Are you beginning to understand? Can you? I was afraid. Afraid that...if you couldn't trust me, you would be dead by now," finished Giles, looking down but not away from her. Neither of them spoke. From deep within the crypt the sound of dripping water echoed coldly.
"Been there, done that," smiled Buffy, vainly trying to break the tension.
"So...where do we go from here?" sighed Giles. Before Buffy could answer, Spike groaned in his sleep, twitching slightly. Buffy ignored him.
"Come back to me, Giles," pleaded Buffy, her voice again a whisper. "I didn't tell the others. We can work through this. No one has to know."
Giles almost imperceptibly shook his head.
"I can't make you love me. You either feel something or you don't. It's better this way," said Giles, his sad eyes now firmly looking back at her, unblinking.
"No!" shouted Buffy, reaching for him. But Giles leaned back and Buffy immediately lowered her hand, wincing at the thought that he wouldn't want her to touch him. Giles closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Buffy expected him to clean his glasses next, almost wished that he would. It's what he would do and she wasn't sure if she knew him now. But Giles just sat there, not moving, not looking at her.
"I need you, now more than ever," said Buffy plainly, no emotion in her voice. Yet when Giles did look up her saw the ache she couldn't hide in her eyes.
"I know. I know you do," sighed Giles.
Buffy adjusted the blanket up in front of her again, suddenly feeling a chill. She didn't remember Spike's crypt being this drafty.
"Buffy...do you trust me?" asked Giles, still not looking at her.
"Do you even have to ask?" snapped Buffy, almost in anger. Almost. Giles nodded.
"When I taught you that meditation technique, the one you used to enter that trance-like state..."
"Oh, and I saw Dawn for what she was," finished Buffy.
"Yes," answered Giles, now excitedly looking at her. "Do you remember how your senses were heightened, sharpened to a new awareness? Colors, sounds almost, almost too intense to bear?"
Buffy nodded , watching him.
"For me to be here, I exist in that state. I can't explain it...it just is," smiled Giles. "This is how I can help you. I know. I understand what's missing now. What you aren't feeling since you came back."
Buffy thought about that for a moment, her eyes absently drawn to Spike.
"So if I enter this trance-like state again..."
"No, that's only the beginning. Your meditation will be transient, fleeting. But I can help you remember."
"Remember?" repeated Buffy, confused.
"Yes. Your body, it's...it's still sleeping. And it doesn't even know what it craves, but only because it can't remember," said Giles, leaning towards her just a bit more now. Buffy stared at him doubtfully.
Giles slowly extended his hand towards her.
"Trust me," he whispered, his voice like a promise.
Buffy wasn't sure why, but she hesitated, glancing from his hand back to his eyes. There was no sadness there now, no doubt...and yet Buffy still didn't move to touch his hand.
"It has to be your choice. Do you trust me?" whispered Giles.
And Buffy smiled.
"Always," breathed Buffy.
She raised her hand to his, but Giles didn't try to grasp it. Instead, he simply held his hand motionless between them. Buffy brushed against his palm with her fingertips, surprised at how warm his skin felt. Then she pressed her palm to his, curling her fingers around his hand as he responded in turn. There was more than just warmth now. Buffy could feel the texture of his skin, the sensation a stark contrast to her own flesh as if he were alive and she was simply...warm.
Buffy tilted her head, her lips parting in wonder. She intertwined her fingers with his, eyes widening as something within her stirred and awakened. Encouraging her with a hint of a smile, Buffy leaned forward to place his hand against her cheek. She gasped, inhaling sharply as the heat from his skin seemed to flow into her, spreading not as a caress but as fluid seeping into her. Tears welled up in her eyes. Trembling, she eased his hand away with a moan and yet in the same motion held his hand with both of hers now. The blanket around her slipped down a bit lower.
"Surrender yourself to it, abandon any doubt, any remorse," said Giles softly. Buffy watched in fascination as his lips moved. "Open your mind."
She didn't hesitate this time. Buffy deftly shifted her weight forward and brought his hand to her chest as the blanket fell away between them. The warmth now spreading into her was intoxicating. She closed her eyes, savoring this bliss, her breath now rapid and shallow. Spike moved, his leg rubbing against her own, but he slept on unaware.
Opening her eyes, Buffy looked first at Spike and then slowly turned her head to meet her Watcher's gaze, making a connection. Spike...Giles...this was instinct without thought, basic, primal...this was simple need, male to female. And she understood what power the vampire held over her, why she craved his body. Her body had simply forgotten.
Buffy shivered. She didn't understand what was happening...she only knew she wanted more.
"How?" begged Buffy.
"Shh," whispered Giles, kissing her forehead. Buffy's eyes opened wide, her cheeks wet with tears. She swallowed once, stifling a sob, a wave of anxiousness overcoming her like nausea.
Giles' hand moved on its own now, covering her breast. Buffy swayed, her breath ragged, gasping. She threw an arm around him and pulled him down on top of her, falling back onto the bed. Her lips sought out his, her need fierce, demanding. He kissed her back but slowly, teasingly, yet his free hand tore at the blanket between them, pulling it aside. And she felt his body respond as she moved her legs apart.
He pulled back and briefly smiled down at her before lowering his lips to where his hand had been. Buffy glanced at Spike, no longer caring if he did wake up, then closed her eyes, her hips arching against him as Giles kissed her body. She groaned in protest when he paused and opened her eyes. Again he was looking at her. Pointless words went unspoken. Buffy nodded once and felt him press against her. She fumbled frantically with the buttons on his shirt then, in desperation, tore it open.
His head slipped lower down, his breath alternating with his tongue, dancing across her skin, barely brushing against her. She put both her hands behind his neck, forcing him to her. Buffy was crying now and yet at the same time felt like laughing. This was so...right, so simple. How could she not have known? Giles covered her breast again with one hand as his other hand slipped beneath her, pulling her towards him.
Buffy cried out, gasping, smiling, tears flowing freely now as these sensations washed over her. It was confusing, terrifying even, but she focused on the one thing she understood. She felt alive again.
*****
"Buffy? Hey! Sleepyhead, time to get up! Or do you trust Dawn to get herself off to school?"
"Hmm? What?" mumbled Buffy, squinting even though the room was still dark. Spike was sitting up next to her in bed. Frowning.
"Oh God. By your expression I can only imagine what my hair looks like," moaned Buffy, pulling the covers over her head. "What time is it anyway?"
"Time for you to get home. I'd walk you there, but the sun will be rising soon. If it's not already up," sighed Spike, eliciting a groan from Buffy.
"But I don't want to get up," whined Buffy, yawning. And then she opened her eyes fully. "Hey. What's going on?"
Buffy smacked Spike's arm and frowned at him.
"What?" winced Spike, holding his arm in mock pain.
"I'm the one usually trying to sneak off. And you're the one trying to make me late...as only you can," smiled Buffy. Spike only pouted at the compliment.
"Maybe if I had a good night's sleep, I might be more energetic this morning," complained Spike. "Must've been one hell of a dream, kiddo. All that moaning and groaning, tossing and turning. Hope as hell you were dreaming of me and not soldier boy."
Buffy looked away, suddenly remembering last night. All of last night.
"Oh, bloody hell! At least lie for the sake of my ego," snapped Spike, getting out of bed.
"Jealous?" teased Buffy.
"Pfft!" replied Spike, stepping into his pants. "Not very likely."
Buffy wrapped the covers around her and leaned over, reaching for her own pants on the floor. But she froze, staring at something on the floor next to them. She knew immediately what it was but her hand refused to obey her. She made no attempt to pick it up.
"Are you getting up? The maid will be here in half an hour and since I don't have any money to pay her, I'll have to satisfy her in other ways. So, unless you like to watch...," smiled Spike.
Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head. She stood up, slipping into her pants with her back to him. Yawning deeply, she reached for her blouse and kicked the button on the floor under the bed. The button that had been on the shirt that Giles had worn last night.
END OF PART FOUR
PART FOUR
"Hello?"
"Hey. It's me."
"Hey. And I knew it was you, even before I picked up the phone."
"You did? Oh, did I wake you up? I'm sorry! I knew I shouldn't have..."
"Don't be silly. It's good to hear your voice."
There was a pause before she answered.
"Yes. It so is," she whispered. "You, um, seem so much more...what's the word..."
"Sleepy?"
"No, but now I know I woke you up. Um, how about relaxed? Earlier, when...well, you know."
"I know," she sighed. "And I'm sorry about that. It shouldn't be awkward, but...being around you..."
"I know, Tara. You don't have to...what I mean is...me too. With the sorry and the awkward and, and the...the..."
"I know," repeated Tara. And Willow could hear the smile in her voice. "But this is nice. And...safe, you know?"
"Oh yeah," agreed Willow, closing her eyes and pressing the phone just a little tighter against her cheek. "I didn't really have much to talk about. Just...wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep."
There was another silence.
"I miss that," whispered Willow bravely, hoping Tara wouldn't hang up on her.
Again the silence.
"Is that all you miss?" came her whispered tease.
Willow's eyes popped open in surprise even as she smiled.
"Wow. Willow Rosenberg speechless. Let me pencil this is in on the calendar," laughed Tara.
Willow didn't answer.
"Hey. You still there?" asked Tara.
"Yeah. Just listening to your voice," replied Willow, grateful that Tara couldn't see her wiping her eyes. "Say, you're not worried about Buffy, are you? Kinda sounded like a nightmare to me and what with all she's been through, I don't think we should be looking to the supernatural first thing."
"I guess not. But we should keep an eye on her."
"You're serious, aren't you?" asked Willow, sitting up in bed.
"Yes. I am. One symptom to watch for is the victim always being tired. You saw her yawning today," reminded Tara.
"Sure, but Buffy doesn't keep normal hours. She's out late most every night patrolling and doing goddess knows what else. Lucky for her that Slayers don't seem to need as much sleep as us mere mortals," laughed Willow, somewhat envious.
"I guess," sighed Tara reluctantly, ignoring Willow's 'knows what else' comment. "And she did ask for help."
"Huh?"
"Willow, a victim of an incubus would deny any involvement or admit there was a problem, and usually get quite defensive and upset about it. So it's a good sign that Buffy asked for help. I'm not saying we should worry, especially since she said he was anything but aggressive and didn't try to kiss her. In fact he insisted that her friends should know about what happened. But...I don't know," shrugged Tara. "Just a feeling, I guess. Something that makes your tummy just a bit queasy, you know?"
"Did Buffy say what he looked like?"
"He...um, no. But I didn't ask, either," answered Tara, remembering that only she knew about Spike. And she suddenly realized that Buffy hadn't actually said it was Spike she had been dreaming about. "Sometimes these things can take the shape of someone the victim trusts or loves."
"Someone's been research girl," teased Willow approvingly.
"I might've opened a tome or two," admitted Tara proudly. "Some writings go back to the early thirteen hundreds. Say what you want to about the Church of the day, but they took these rumors seriously and probably drove off one or two real incubi."
"We'll just ignore the fact that they later burned witches for kicks," lamented Willow.
"It's too late to be bringing that subject up. I don't want you getting all upset and losing sleep without..."
Tara didn't finish. She didn't have to. They both knew she was going to say without me there to comfort you. Tara didn't regret what she almost said. It was just painful to bring it up.
"Well, I'll keep my eye on Buffy. You could always do that detection spell without her knowing it if that would make you feel better," suggested Willow.
"Maybe. Has she been acting strangely lately?" asked Tara sincerely.
Again Willow didn't answer.
"Willow?"
"Um, I don't know. But I'll pay more attention from now on," answered Willow, speaking each word slowly so that Tara would...would what? Believe her? Would know that Willow knew? And knew what exactly?
"I know you will," said Tara.
Did Tara sound grateful? Or did her voice sound more like a warning, a challenge?
"Goodnight, Willow."
"Goodnight, Tara," responded Willow quickly, dreading the silence even before it came between them. Willow heard the phone click off. She just stared at the phone in her hand, not wanting to turn her light off and suddenly not feeling very sleepy at all.
*****
Buffy brushed her hair a few more times, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She placed the brush down and now stared at the closed and locked window across from her. Standing up, she turned the light by her bed off and waited until her eyes grew accustomed to the dark. Walking over to the window, her bare feet silent on the carpet, Buffy slid the latch over and lifted the window up.
The night air was still, calm. She stayed there, motionless and quiet like the darkness, listening, waiting, but she heard nothing and saw even less. Shoulders slumping, Buffy paused in front of her closet and then opened the door halfway before sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Get the hint?" she whispered, glancing around the room. With a sigh she settled under the covers and closed her eyes.
*****
Buffy opened her eyes, not even realizing for a moment that she was awake. She knew without looking at the clock that sunrise was still a long way off...at least it felt that way. Glancing over she confirmed what her Slayer instincts had told her; it was only four o'clock. As quietly as she could she sat up, the sheet slipping down and pooling around her waist.
"Giles?"
Her room was silent, the night quieter still. She took a deep breath and settled back down onto her back, pulling the sheet back up until it covered her up to her neck. Buffy kept her eyes open, staring at the ceiling, waiting simply because she didn't't know what else to do.
Kicking off her covers, Buffy sprang out of bed and reached for her phone, dialing his number. And yet as she listened to each ring, part of her prayed that he would pick up while another part of her was afraid that he would.
"Hello?"
Buffy let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding in. The voice on the phone belonged to a woman.
"Hello?" she repeated, this time a little louder.
"Excuse me, can I speak to Rupert Giles, please?" asked Buffy.
"I'm afraid he's not here at the moment. Can I take a message?"
"Oh. Um..."
"Buffy? Is that you?" asked her voice. And suddenly that voice seemed familiar to Buffy, yet she couldn't remember...
"Olivia?" asked Buffy cautiously.
"Yes, that's right. It is you! So nice to hear from you again...well, what I mean is it's been a long time, hasn't it?"
"Yes. A very long time. Do you know when Giles will be back?" asked Buffy quickly.
"Rupert is away on retreat. I don't expect him back until the end of the week. He's up in the Cotswolds, kayaking or some such nonsense. Said he never got the chance to do that when..."
The was a pause as Olivia realized what she had said.
"When he was my Watcher," finished Buffy.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"It's okay, I understand. Is there anyway you can get in touch with him to let him know I called? Maybe he checks in with you?" asked Buffy hopefully.
"I'm afraid not. Is there an emergency? I could call the Council and perhaps they could have someone..."
"No. No, there's no emergency. Just...just tell him I called," sighed Buffy.
"I will."
"When did he leave?"
"Two days ago," answered Olivia. "I'm watching his flat for him while he's gone."
"Oh. So you...I mean, you're seeing him again?" asked Buffy, wincing on the word 'seeing'.
"I wish I knew," laughed Olivia, though there was a touch of bitterness in her tone.
"I'm sorry, that was kinda rude of me. It's really none of my business," cringed Buffy.
"No, I don't mind. Actually, I was thinking of calling you. Buffy, Rupert's been so quiet since he got back home. Too quiet," said Olivia.
"Home," whispered Buffy.
"I'm getting a little worried about him. Hopefully this trip will help but, but did something happen? He's...he's just not himself. Buffy...I don't think he's very happy. I know he isn't, but he won't tell me why," sighed Olivia.
"How quiet?" asked Buffy, now worried.
"The quiet where you hope he's only depressed about something...something he'll eventually get over. And, um...he doesn't talk about you. At all. In fact, he changes the subject if I bring your name up. Did you have a falling out?" asked Olivia boldly.
"Um, no. At least I don't think so. It's been so long since we talked. I, I just...I just wanted to hear his voice again," said Buffy. She could hear Olivia slowly inhaling in disbelief.
"I'll tell him that you called," said Olivia, suddenly sounding like she wanted this conversation to end. Buffy swallowed, unsure of what to say.
"Thanks. Bye," whispered Buffy, hanging up the phone before Olivia could answer.
*****
Willow and Dawn came down the stairs together and looked at one another, their expressions in competition to see who could appear more confused. They stopped near the kitchen, peering around the corner. And again they looked at one another, Willow nervous, Dawn simply afraid.
"Smells like food," ventured Dawn.
"But...it's Buffy. Cooking," frowned Willow.
"Hey guys. Come on in, you're right on time. Bacon is already done and the eggs will be right up. Oh, I hope scrambled is okay. Dawn, can you get that toast? Coffee should been done too," smiled Buffy as she attended the frying pan.
"I can have coffee?" asked Dawn eagerly.
"Over my lifeless body," answered Buffy without turning around.
"Well, you're all perky girl!" commented Willow.
"Yep. Already did the laundry, too," smiled Buffy.
"Sleep good?" asked Willow, trying not to sound worried in front of Dawn. But Buffy didn't seem to care.
"Um, actually...no," replied Buffy, scraping the eggs onto three separate plates in turn. "But I'm not tired at all. I feel like I slept for like, twelve hours."
"But Xander said yesterday, when you fought that vampire..."
"I know, Dawn. But I'm fine now. Really. Just an off day, I guess," shrugged Buffy.
"No...bad dreams?" inquired Willow, pouring herself a cup of coffee to avoid looking at Dawn.
"Not a one. In fact, I think I'll go for a workout down at the Magic Shop this morning. Yeah, that sounds real good. I've got all this pent up energy. Gotta do something before I meet Tara," said Buffy, rinsing out the frying pan in the sink.
Willow coughed, leaning forward in an attempt not to spill her coffee.
"You okay?" asked Buffy.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Hot. Coffee. In the cup," said Willow, holding up her cup. "You're seeing Tara today?"
"Before lunch. I wanted to tell her...tell her that she doesn't have to research that project. You know. That project," repeated Buffy, casting a warning glance in Dawn's direction.
"Oh. Well, you know, you could just call her," suggested Willow.
"Yeah, but she wanted to return my...hat," said Buffy, suddenly dreading that she had brought that subject up again. "Um, Dawn, you all ready for school? I thought I'd walk with you today."
"Okay. But it's early yet. And I have to eat," reminded Dawn, picking up a fork as she took a plate off the counter.
"Right. Come on, Will. Dig in," offered Buffy, handing her a plate.
Willow smiled, but it was only a half-hearted attempt.
*****
"Hey, Tara. Come on in," offered Buffy, closing the door behind Tara as she entered.
"Well, this is a good sign," smiled Tara.
Buffy wrinkled her eyebrows.
"I don't have to wake you up. Like last time," reminded Tara.
"Oh. Right. No, I'm wide awake and chipper this morning. In fact, I'm headed over to the Magic Box for a workout later."
"Sooo...no dreams last night? No unwelcomed visitors?" asked Tara.
"Nope. Nada. And now I feel kinda embarrassed, bothering you. Guess you were right. Considering what I've been going through, an intense dream or two isn't unexpected. Watcha got?" asked Buffy, peering into the paper bag Tara was holding.
"Your baseball cap," smiled Tara, pulling it out from the bag and handing it to Buffy. "Thanks."
"Anytime," answered Buffy, though her smile subsided as she thought of Willow.
"And what Willow likes to call stinky sand," added Tara, holding up a glass with blue sand in it. Plastic wrap covered the top and was held in place by an elastic band.
"Hence the cover," commented Buffy.
"Yep. It's one of the ingredients for that detection spell. Sure we don't need it? Won't do any harm if there's no foul, so to speak," encouraged Tara.
"No," replied Buffy quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. "Will's doing so good. I know she's not here right now, but I don't want any magicks being played with. Harmless or not, we just don't know how it might affect her. Okay?"
"I suppose," shrugged Tara, unconvinced.
"Tara, if I have another dream, we'll do the spell. I promise. Besides, you yourself said that what's happened doesn't seem to fit the pattern of an incubus," said Buffy forcefully.
Tara nodded, somewhat mollified.
"Just keep this in your room, maybe, maybe under your bed where Willow won't find it. That way it's here if we need it later," said Tara, handing the glass to Buffy.
"Sure. I'll do it right now and then I'll walk you most of the way to class. The Magic Box is on the way," smiled Buffy, taking the glass and running up the stairs behind them.
Tara smiled but, feeling guilty, bit her lower lip. Still, she was happy that the potion was in Buffy's room.
*****
Buffy patted her face with a towel, watching the weight bag as it creaked back and forth on its chain. She had broken a good sweat and her muscles ached with that warm burn only being tired from a workout could give. Still, something was missing. And in the silent, empty room it was quickly and painfully obvious what was lacking. Giles. He should be here. Holding the punching bag, telling her about dropping her shoulder even when she wasn't, pushing her, encouraging her...being there for her. It was more than just her workout. He had touched so many aspects of her life in so many little, unseen ways, yet she had taken him for granted.
So was it her fault or his that he had left?
Buffy drained her water bottle and tossed it across the room in anger, unsure if she was mad at herself...or him.
*****
"So, whatcha wanna do now? Hey, how 'bout we rent a movie?" asked Buffy enthusiastically. "You know, I think you're old enough for Thelma and Louise."
"Um, Buffy? I have some homework to finish up. And I really appreciate the whole bonding thingy, what with you picking me up after school every day, the shopping trips, cooking dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner..."
"Dawn."
"And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I really like spending time with my sister, but I just want to hang tonight, maybe call Janice on the phone..."
"Dawn."
"Besides, I've already seen Thelma and Louise!" pouted Dawn.
"Dawn, I...you've seen Thelma and Louise? Where was I?"
"Patrolling. You know, that hobby of yours that keeps you out late most every night? The hobby that you won't let me be a part of?" reminded Dawn.
"You want a hobby? Take up crocheting. You'd learn a useful skill and at the same time might be able to add money to our meager savings if you sold what you made," smiled Buffy.
Dawn didn't look amused.
"I'm crowding you," winced Buffy. "I'm, I'm clingy girl. I'm overdoing the compensating. I'm over-overcompensating!"
"No. Well, not really," sighed Dawn.
"I'm sorry. Just trying to make up for my lack of not being here for you. Forgive me?" asked Buffy in a mock begging tone.
Dawn smiled.
"I'll forgive you if you get your butt out there tonight. You know, go wrestle with a demon or whatever you do to pass the time. I'll be fine."
Buffy eyes opened a bit wider but she nodded in agreement.
"Oh, and Thelma and Louise was on TV. They cut out the good parts," frowned Dawn.
"We'll rent the movie soon. I promise," smiled Buffy, giving her sister a hug. "Guess I'd better go get ready."
"Have fun," winked Dawn.
Buffy turned to hide her smile. And she continued to smile as she bounded up the stairs to her room.
*****
Even though he had just lit this cigarette, Spike threw it down and ground it out with his heel. He tilted his head, listening, waiting more for a scent than a sound. As if to confirm his suspicions that he wasn't alone, the insects around him suddenly fell silent. And he smiled even before he turned around, knowing, even feeling, that it was her.
She stepped up to him, her eyes, doe-like, never leaving his, so close he could hear her heartbeat now. Spike hesitated, then slowly leaned forward, his lips hovering near but never once brushing her own. Neither of them closed their eyes. He raised his hand, gently pushing her hair aside and she pressed her cheek against his palm. Only now did he give in and kiss her, his other hand slipping around her back to pull her close.
Buffy closed her eyes, letting the kiss linger. She felt his hand against her side, moving up...and she smiled as his body ever so briefly tensed when he realized she wasn't wearing a bra. She reluctantly pulled away from his lips and rested her forehead against his.
"Not here," she whispered.
"Why not?" teased Spike.
Buffy opened her eyes but looked down at the ground between them.
"I...I want..."
Spike cupped her chin with his fingers and encouraged her to look at him. He smiled for her and she took a deep breath.
"I want to spend the night with you," winced Buffy, as if ashamed to admit it.
Spike stepped back and nodded, though it seemed more of a bow to her. And he held out his hand to her. Buffy reached for him, then hesitated, staring for a moment at her callused palm, her dry and cracked skin, rough from the work she must do. The work no one else could do.
As if reading her thoughts, Spike took her hand before she could pull it away and raised it to his mouth, kissing the back of her hand softly then pressing her palm against his own cheek this time. Slipping his fingers between hers, he lowered their coupled hands and led her away. Buffy glanced at him once or twice but didn't speak, looking away if she thought he would notice. Yet she couldn't hide her smile from him. And Spike gave her hand a playful squeeze.
*****
Buffy opened her eyes, quickly realizing that she had woken up because she was cold. Spike was hogging the covers, a double insult as she couldn't snuggle against him and be warmed by his body. Pulling at least some of the blanket free from his grasp, she covered herself and silently cursed for once again not remembering to bring socks. Her feet were cold, but bringing socks would also be admitting to herself that this just didn't happen but instead was planned. Better to have cold feet than to confess that she had once again sought him out by her own free will.
The crypt was still dimly lit by a few of the candles that hadn't burned out yet. Buffy kept her eyes open, listening to the soft cadence of dripping water. The room was dark and not only because it was poorly lit. She again considered the idea of decorating this room by herself or at least making a few suggestions but just as quickly dismissed the notion; it would be an admission to both of them that she was a part of his life.
Should she sneak out now or risk facing him in the morning? Buffy didn't want to leave but knew that if she stayed he had a way to make her late getting home that she found impossible to resist. She sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around herself with one hand as she searched with her eyes for her clothes.
Even after she saw him it took a moment to realize that they weren't alone. He was across the room from the bed, the darkness not only hiding him but seeming to cling to him, as if he would have to struggle to emerge from it. Yet with ease, unhindered, he took a step forward, his face now silhouetted by the flickering candles. He wasn't smiling. If anything, he seemed embarrassed to be here, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, refusing to make eye contact with her.
"Giles! What are you...you shouldn't be here," whispered Buffy, casting a warning glance at Spike in the bed by her side.
"You can speak freely and without whispering. He won't awaken," promised Giles.
"Oh. You mean..."
"Yes, you're sleeping. I...I couldn't stay away. Not that I didn't try," grinned Giles, though his smile quickly faded.
"No, I'm glad you're here. We so need to talk," said Buffy, still keeping her voice low but not whispering now. Giles nodded and Buffy drew the blanket closer to herself. He looked down out of politeness.
"I'm sorry that I told you," sighed Giles.
"No. Don't be. You need to be honest with me. As I with you," added Buffy firmly.
"But...but if..."
"Giles, you've already told me. Now I know, so there's no risk of losing me or, or scaring me off. See? Still here. So come sit down beside me," said Buffy, patting the bed next to her. Giles hesitated but then did sit down on the bed. But at the far end of the bed, out of Buffy's reach.
"I haven't begun to tell you anything," said Giles, his mouth curling up at the corners. And his smile relaxed Buffy, soothed her, calmed her when she hadn't been aware of just how nervous she was.
"How long?" asked Buffy.
Giles raised an eyebrow at her. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"How long have you had feelings for me?" clarified Buffy.
Giles leaned back, his eyes on Spike as he considered her question.
"A long time. Almost worked up the courage to tell you once. Almost."
"Oh?" encouraged Buffy.
"Remember the ghosts of Grace Newman and James Stanley?" began Giles, phrasing his words like a statement and not a question.
"Of course."
"We...we were both...what I mean is," started Giles, looking up at Buffy but uncomfortably looking away just as fast.
"I remember, Giles. Angel was...gone. And Jenny was dead," said Buffy softly, herself now looking away when Giles flinched at hearing Jenny's name.
"You were so lost, Buffy. So scared. And I thought I could...help you. And, of course, I needed you as well. Together, maybe, just maybe..."
Giles took a deep breath and tried to smile.
"So, why didn't you? Was it my age? I had just turned seventeen," frowned Buffy.
"No. No, that didn't matter. Not to me. Oh, I would've kept us a secret, if there ever would've been an 'us'. But what held me back was what you said about forgiveness," said Giles, watching to see if Buffy would remember.
"Huh?"
Giles tried not to laugh.
"You said that James destroyed the one person he loved most in a moment of blind passion...and that was not something you forgave, no matter why he did it. No matter if he knew that it was wrong and selfish and stupid."
Buffy stared at Giles, her lower lip trembling slightly.
"If I had told you how I felt...and if you didn't feel the same way..."
"Giles," whispered Buffy.
"Are you beginning to understand? Can you? I was afraid. Afraid that...if you couldn't trust me, you would be dead by now," finished Giles, looking down but not away from her. Neither of them spoke. From deep within the crypt the sound of dripping water echoed coldly.
"Been there, done that," smiled Buffy, vainly trying to break the tension.
"So...where do we go from here?" sighed Giles. Before Buffy could answer, Spike groaned in his sleep, twitching slightly. Buffy ignored him.
"Come back to me, Giles," pleaded Buffy, her voice again a whisper. "I didn't tell the others. We can work through this. No one has to know."
Giles almost imperceptibly shook his head.
"I can't make you love me. You either feel something or you don't. It's better this way," said Giles, his sad eyes now firmly looking back at her, unblinking.
"No!" shouted Buffy, reaching for him. But Giles leaned back and Buffy immediately lowered her hand, wincing at the thought that he wouldn't want her to touch him. Giles closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Buffy expected him to clean his glasses next, almost wished that he would. It's what he would do and she wasn't sure if she knew him now. But Giles just sat there, not moving, not looking at her.
"I need you, now more than ever," said Buffy plainly, no emotion in her voice. Yet when Giles did look up her saw the ache she couldn't hide in her eyes.
"I know. I know you do," sighed Giles.
Buffy adjusted the blanket up in front of her again, suddenly feeling a chill. She didn't remember Spike's crypt being this drafty.
"Buffy...do you trust me?" asked Giles, still not looking at her.
"Do you even have to ask?" snapped Buffy, almost in anger. Almost. Giles nodded.
"When I taught you that meditation technique, the one you used to enter that trance-like state..."
"Oh, and I saw Dawn for what she was," finished Buffy.
"Yes," answered Giles, now excitedly looking at her. "Do you remember how your senses were heightened, sharpened to a new awareness? Colors, sounds almost, almost too intense to bear?"
Buffy nodded , watching him.
"For me to be here, I exist in that state. I can't explain it...it just is," smiled Giles. "This is how I can help you. I know. I understand what's missing now. What you aren't feeling since you came back."
Buffy thought about that for a moment, her eyes absently drawn to Spike.
"So if I enter this trance-like state again..."
"No, that's only the beginning. Your meditation will be transient, fleeting. But I can help you remember."
"Remember?" repeated Buffy, confused.
"Yes. Your body, it's...it's still sleeping. And it doesn't even know what it craves, but only because it can't remember," said Giles, leaning towards her just a bit more now. Buffy stared at him doubtfully.
Giles slowly extended his hand towards her.
"Trust me," he whispered, his voice like a promise.
Buffy wasn't sure why, but she hesitated, glancing from his hand back to his eyes. There was no sadness there now, no doubt...and yet Buffy still didn't move to touch his hand.
"It has to be your choice. Do you trust me?" whispered Giles.
And Buffy smiled.
"Always," breathed Buffy.
She raised her hand to his, but Giles didn't try to grasp it. Instead, he simply held his hand motionless between them. Buffy brushed against his palm with her fingertips, surprised at how warm his skin felt. Then she pressed her palm to his, curling her fingers around his hand as he responded in turn. There was more than just warmth now. Buffy could feel the texture of his skin, the sensation a stark contrast to her own flesh as if he were alive and she was simply...warm.
Buffy tilted her head, her lips parting in wonder. She intertwined her fingers with his, eyes widening as something within her stirred and awakened. Encouraging her with a hint of a smile, Buffy leaned forward to place his hand against her cheek. She gasped, inhaling sharply as the heat from his skin seemed to flow into her, spreading not as a caress but as fluid seeping into her. Tears welled up in her eyes. Trembling, she eased his hand away with a moan and yet in the same motion held his hand with both of hers now. The blanket around her slipped down a bit lower.
"Surrender yourself to it, abandon any doubt, any remorse," said Giles softly. Buffy watched in fascination as his lips moved. "Open your mind."
She didn't hesitate this time. Buffy deftly shifted her weight forward and brought his hand to her chest as the blanket fell away between them. The warmth now spreading into her was intoxicating. She closed her eyes, savoring this bliss, her breath now rapid and shallow. Spike moved, his leg rubbing against her own, but he slept on unaware.
Opening her eyes, Buffy looked first at Spike and then slowly turned her head to meet her Watcher's gaze, making a connection. Spike...Giles...this was instinct without thought, basic, primal...this was simple need, male to female. And she understood what power the vampire held over her, why she craved his body. Her body had simply forgotten.
Buffy shivered. She didn't understand what was happening...she only knew she wanted more.
"How?" begged Buffy.
"Shh," whispered Giles, kissing her forehead. Buffy's eyes opened wide, her cheeks wet with tears. She swallowed once, stifling a sob, a wave of anxiousness overcoming her like nausea.
Giles' hand moved on its own now, covering her breast. Buffy swayed, her breath ragged, gasping. She threw an arm around him and pulled him down on top of her, falling back onto the bed. Her lips sought out his, her need fierce, demanding. He kissed her back but slowly, teasingly, yet his free hand tore at the blanket between them, pulling it aside. And she felt his body respond as she moved her legs apart.
He pulled back and briefly smiled down at her before lowering his lips to where his hand had been. Buffy glanced at Spike, no longer caring if he did wake up, then closed her eyes, her hips arching against him as Giles kissed her body. She groaned in protest when he paused and opened her eyes. Again he was looking at her. Pointless words went unspoken. Buffy nodded once and felt him press against her. She fumbled frantically with the buttons on his shirt then, in desperation, tore it open.
His head slipped lower down, his breath alternating with his tongue, dancing across her skin, barely brushing against her. She put both her hands behind his neck, forcing him to her. Buffy was crying now and yet at the same time felt like laughing. This was so...right, so simple. How could she not have known? Giles covered her breast again with one hand as his other hand slipped beneath her, pulling her towards him.
Buffy cried out, gasping, smiling, tears flowing freely now as these sensations washed over her. It was confusing, terrifying even, but she focused on the one thing she understood. She felt alive again.
*****
"Buffy? Hey! Sleepyhead, time to get up! Or do you trust Dawn to get herself off to school?"
"Hmm? What?" mumbled Buffy, squinting even though the room was still dark. Spike was sitting up next to her in bed. Frowning.
"Oh God. By your expression I can only imagine what my hair looks like," moaned Buffy, pulling the covers over her head. "What time is it anyway?"
"Time for you to get home. I'd walk you there, but the sun will be rising soon. If it's not already up," sighed Spike, eliciting a groan from Buffy.
"But I don't want to get up," whined Buffy, yawning. And then she opened her eyes fully. "Hey. What's going on?"
Buffy smacked Spike's arm and frowned at him.
"What?" winced Spike, holding his arm in mock pain.
"I'm the one usually trying to sneak off. And you're the one trying to make me late...as only you can," smiled Buffy. Spike only pouted at the compliment.
"Maybe if I had a good night's sleep, I might be more energetic this morning," complained Spike. "Must've been one hell of a dream, kiddo. All that moaning and groaning, tossing and turning. Hope as hell you were dreaming of me and not soldier boy."
Buffy looked away, suddenly remembering last night. All of last night.
"Oh, bloody hell! At least lie for the sake of my ego," snapped Spike, getting out of bed.
"Jealous?" teased Buffy.
"Pfft!" replied Spike, stepping into his pants. "Not very likely."
Buffy wrapped the covers around her and leaned over, reaching for her own pants on the floor. But she froze, staring at something on the floor next to them. She knew immediately what it was but her hand refused to obey her. She made no attempt to pick it up.
"Are you getting up? The maid will be here in half an hour and since I don't have any money to pay her, I'll have to satisfy her in other ways. So, unless you like to watch...," smiled Spike.
Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head. She stood up, slipping into her pants with her back to him. Yawning deeply, she reached for her blouse and kicked the button on the floor under the bed. The button that had been on the shirt that Giles had worn last night.
END OF PART FOUR