Disclaimer: I don't own anything from THAT 70S SHOW nor Aerosmith or anything of that sort.

9.4: Rats in the Cellar

Donna crept into Eric's room, and stared at him as he slept. She poked his shoulder, and he rolled over. She poked his shoulder again, and he swatted at her hand blindly.

"Eric, are you awake?" she asked. He groaned.

"Donna, it's my day off," Eric said. "It's only on Saturdays that Old Man Hyde doesn't make me come in to open, I kind of want to sleep."

"But do you know what day it is?" she asked, her voice playful.

"… Am I forgetting an anniversary?" he asked.

"No," she said. "Though the fact you don't know our anniversary is kind of disturbing to me."

"Come on, we've broken up and gotten back together enough times that I'm not sure which we celebrate anymore," he said. "But anyway, what day is it?" She jumped on him. "AAAAAAACK!"

"It's the annual Groundhog Day Sled-a-Thon!" Donna exclaimed, and clapped her hands.

"… What are you talking about?"

"Eric, don't you remember when we were little we'd always go sledding on Groundhog Day, looking for groundhogs to see if they'd see their shadow?" she asked.

"… I had blocked that out of my memory, since you liked to shove my face in snow banks, claiming I would find a groundhog."

"Well, I thought that since we're going to college in the fall that we could all go sledding, you, me, Jackie, Hyde, and Fez," Donna said. "Think of it as a last winter sledding time!"

"You're out of your mind," Eric said.

"No, it's going to be fun!" Donna said. "I know that Hyde takes the weekends off, so do Fez and Jackie, and my shift at the station isn't until eight tonight! Come on, Eric, it's going to be fun! I'll go call everyone." She bounded off his bed, and rushed out of the room to the nearest phone. Eric rolled over, and stared at the ceiling.

"Rosebud," he muttered, and covered his head with a pillow.

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Jackie sat on her bed, reading a Cosmo magazine, when Hyde knocked on the door.

"What?" she asked. He opened it, and peeked his head in.

"Donna's invited us sledding," he said.

"Sledding?"

"Something about groundhogs and shoving Eric's head in the snow," Hyde said. "She invited Fez too. Are you gonna go?"

"Yes." She flipped the page quickly, never looking up. Hyde sighed, and crossed his arms.

"So you haven't said three words to me since the last of your girly crap was moved in on Sunday," he said. "Are you ever going to speak to me or are you taking this split down the middle existence that seriously?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "When did Donna want us, and where?"

"In an hour at the Country Club golf course hill."

"I'll leave before you do."

"Why take two cars?"

"Because I feel like it," she said, icily.

"Whatever," he said, and left her room. She put the magazine down, and went to the phone. She dialed, and waited.

"Hello?" Donna answered.

"We're going sledding?!" Jackie asked, much more excited now that Hyde wasn't the one telling her the news.

"Yeah, isn't that cool?" Donna asked.

"Yes!" Jackie exclaimed, smiling broadly. "So what should I wear?"

"Winter gear, Jackie, it's sledding," Donna said.

"I have the cutest coat and ski pants set!" Jackie said. "I don't know if I have a sled though."

"I'll bring an extra for you."

"I'm arriving early."

"Why?"

"Because! I don't want to sit in a car with Steven."

"Are you serious? Jackie, it's been a month and you're still pissed at him?" Donna asked, gathering her winter clothes.

"Normally I would have let it go by now, but I'm just so mad at him still!" Jackie exclaimed. "And now living with him isn't much better. I feel like a freakin' shut in hiding in my room all day." She began going through her closet.

"Well, whatever, that's your problem," Donna said. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay!" Jackie said. She hung up, and pulled out an obscenely pink poofy coat and snow pants set. "Here you are, my pretties!"

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Kitty knocked on Bob's kitchen door, holding a hot dish.

"Bob, Happy Groundhogs Day!" Kitty called, walking into the house. "I brought you over a casserole. You'll be moving soon, and I just thought you'd miss my homemade cheese and pasta dishes." She looked around, not hearing Bob.

"Bob?" she called. "Your door was open! I let myself in, but I don't think this counts as breaking and entering!" She walked into the living room, and saw Bob crying on the couch.

"Kitty?" he asked. She didn't really know how to react, so she held out the casserole dish.

"Bob…. Would food make you feel better?" she asked, awkwardly.

"Is that a hot dish?" he asked.

"Cheese and Ziti," she stated.

"I'll get two forks," he said, wiping his eyes on his sleeve and going for the kitchen. "Would you like a Fresca?"

"Bob, what is going on?" Kitty asked, following him into the kitchen. "Why are you crying in your living room?"

"Kitty, I didn't want to tell anyone this, but this house is not selling!" he exclaimed.

"What do you mean the house isn't selling?" Kitty asked, still carrying that casserole in her hands. "Bob, this property is so great! It's in a good neighborhood, it's old but not too old, it has a hot tub-."

"It has rats in the walls," Bob said, and shoved his fork into the casserole. Kitty set the pot down in surprise.

"Oh my GOD," she exclaimed, getting as far from the walls as possible. "Bob, are you sure?"

"I always thought that the scratching I hear in the walls of my bedroom every night was just the house settling," Bob said, eating the Ziti. "Turns out an entire brood of rats lives in this house." Kitty tried not to look visibly disgusted, but it was hard. She hated rats.

"Well… It's not like you have to tell the prospective buyers this," she said. "I mean, so there's a little scuttling in the walls. So what?" There was a quick scuttle by the fridge, and she gasped and clutched her hands together.

"Great Ziti, Kitty," Bob said, and she nodded and rushed out of the house.

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Donna and Eric walked to the top of the hill of the Country Club gold course, and saw Jackie in her pink abomination holding a thermos and looking quite content.

"Happy Groundhogs Day, Jackie!" Donna said, tossing a rubber inner tube at her. It hit Jackie in the face.

"OOF!" she squawked, falling to the snow.

"Jackie!" Donna exclaimed, rushing to her. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"

"Did I spill any of my cocoa?" Jackie asked, sitting up.

"No, I don't think so," Donna said, helping her up.

"You will be the death of me one day, Donna," Jackie said. "If my nose swells up because of this there will be hell to pay!"

"Even in a winter wonderland she's angry at the world," Eric said.

Hyde trotted towards them, holding a plastic sled in his hands.

"Okay, I'm here," he said. "This had better be fun, Pinciotti. I could be at home watching reruns of Charlie's Angels right now."

"Not to mention doing other things that won't be said while watching it," Jackie said, leaping on the inner tube and sledding down the hill. Donna laughed a little.

"Buuuuurn!" she stated, pointing at Hyde.

"Like she would know, the shut in," Hyde said, setting his sled down. "I'm still regretting listening to you, Donna."

"Where's Fez?" Eric asked. "Donna, you did call him, right?"

"Yeah, I called him," Donna said. "He's bringing Janie."

"Who's Janie?" Hyde asked, sitting on the sled.

"His roommate," Eric said. "She's the one who gave Donna and Jackie tattoos."

"Jackie got a tattoo?" Hyde asked. "Where have I been?"

"On her bad side," Donna said, plopping down on her radio flyer and shoving off. "Jackie! Move it!"

"Huh?" the faint voice called. Donna flew down the hill, and managed to slam into Jackie. "AAAAACK!" Hyde and Eric laughed, and Eric sat next to Hyde.

"So seriously, how is it living with Jackie?" Eric asked. Hyde sighed, and shrugged.

"She's still pissed, man," Hyde said. "I'm not gonna put up with it much longer. I didn't let her play games when we were dating, why should I when we're not?" Eric shrugged.

"Have you guys even talked about everything that's gone down between the two of you?" he asked.

"Who are you, Freud?" Hyde asked. "Gonna ask me about my mother too?" Eric knew to drop it.

Fez and Janie showed up around then.

"Hi guys!" Fez said. "Bad news. The groundhog saw it's shadow. Six more weeks of winter."

"Not that it was a choice in Wisconsin," Janie said. "Hi, I'm Janie."

"Hi, I'm Eric," Eric said.

"I'm Hyde," Hyde stated.

"Steven Hyde?" Janie asked.

"Uh, yeah."

"I'm not supposed to talk to you," Janie said, and threw her sled down on the snow and jumped on it. "Donna! Jackie! Watch out!"

"AAAAACK!" Thud.

"They have the uncanny ability to manage to hit each other no matter what," Eric said.

"Is Jackie going to make me a social pariah?" Hyde asked, steamed. "I find it aggravating that that skinny little cheerleader has more sway than Don Corleone ever did!"

"I brought cookies," Fez said. "My punk roommate not only cleans, she bakes too."

"Well cookies are always good in my book," Eric said.

The girls climbed up the hill, all looking mighty beat up from the constant running into each other.

"Cookies?" Donna asked.

"I made them," Janie said. "Help yourself. Jackie? Cookies?"

"I don't know if I could chew, my jaw is sore from being knocked around," she said.

"Yeah, THAT'S why it's sore," Hyde said, snidely, and Jackie glared at him. Donna and Janie exchanged glances, and Eric and Fez opened the cookie bag.

"Think of the Groundhog, you two," Fez said.

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Red was reading in the living room, and Kitty walked in with a phone book.

"Red, we need to help Bob with his rat problem," she said. "I'm going to call every exterminator in town and try to get one out here so they can kill the rats."

"Kitty, if the traps he's set didn't work, who's to think an exterminator will be able to catch the rats?" Red asked, putting down the newspaper. "What more could an exterminator bring to the situation beyond higher bills?"

"Red, I know that you don't want to see Bob in this pickle," Kitty said.

"What pickle?"

"The rats are obvious enough that the house isn't selling," Kitty said. "And he really wants to get down to Florida." Red leapt up and began looking at the phone book as well.

"Why didn't you say that his relocation depended on killing these rats?" Red asked. "Give me that phone book!"

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Bob was in the kitchen, when Red knocked on the kitchen door.

"Bob, let me in!" Red said. "I hear you have a rodent problem." Bob walked to the door, and let Red in.

"Did Kitty tell you about the rats?" Bob asked.

"Yes she did," Red said, and brought in the phone book. "Here's the list of a bunch of exterminators. I called each of them and I circled the ones I thought would be best for this kind of job." Bob looked at the pages.

"Crazy Karl the Rat Catcher?" Bob asked.

"Rats are his specialty," Red said.

"Gee Red, this is really nice of you, you're a great friend," Bob said. "But I don't know. What does he have that I don't have?"

"Tenacity, Bob," Red said. "Call him."

Bob called him, and Crazy Karl came right over. He began tapping the walls, and listened to the scurrying within them.

"Rats alright," Karl said, his voice very reminiscent of Clint Eastwood's. "Big ones too. I'd say an entire family of them."

"That's what Johnson Exterminators said," Bob said.

"Old man Johnson is an amateur!" Karl spat. "He wouldn't know a rat from his wife!" Red and Bob looked at each other, and then back at Karl

"What he neglected to tell you is that there's more than one way to get rid of a family of rats," Karl said, Dirty Harry style. "Poison won't do the trick. Nah. You gotta smoke them out."

"Hold on a minute," Red said, holding up his hands. "Are you saying that we should put fire in the walls?"

"HA! No! That would be CRAZY!" Karl exclaimed, laughing a smoker's laugh. "You put stink bombs in the walls." He opened his box of tricks, and pulled out a few smoke flares.

"Stink bombs?" Bob asked.

"I have a theory," Karl said. "It's worked fairly well in the past. Rats run from water because they know it means danger. So they should run from smoke because they know it means fire. Fire is danger. It's instinct."

"Oh really?" Red asked, skeptical.

"Makes sense," Bob said. "So you're gonna shove them in the walls and the rats will run out?"

"Damn right they will," Karl said, and grabbed a hammer. He smashed a hole in the wall above the kitchen counter.

"Hey! Careful!" Bob exclaimed. Karl grabbed plastic wrap and tape, and pulled out a long sheet.

"Here's what you're going to do," Karl said. "I'll throw the bombs in the wall, then you'll tape it up so the smoke doesn't just come out. The rat like footsteps you hear will be the entire clan saying 'see ya later' to your house. Are you ready?"

"Uh, I'm not sure," Bob said.

"NOW"! Karl exclaimed, ripping off the tops of the bombs. Bob yelped a little and Red pulled out the saran wrap. They taped up the wall, and waited.

A barrage of scurrying and squeaks began to emanate through the kitchen. They all watched where the noises were coming from, and Red rolled his eyes.

"Where did you find this guy?" Red muttered.

"Um, you found him, Red," Bob muttered back. He wrinkled his nose. "Man, that stuff stinks."

"Yeah, it drives the rats insane!" Karl exclaimed, and hit the walls. "That's right, you little bastards!! Run!! Run home to MAMA!"

"Just pay the man and get him out of here," Red muttered, and Bob began to fiddle for his wallet.

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The gang was at the top of the hill after a nice long day of sledding.

"I love Groundhogs Day," Donna said. "Even if it does usually signal six more weeks of winter, I still like the snow and everything about it."

"Sid Vicious died a year ago today," Janie said. "I'm still not sure he was guilty of killing his girlfriend."

"Eh, more power to him if he did," Hyde said, lying back on the sled. "She was nuts."

"Harsh," Eric said.

"She broke up the band, man," Hyde said. "I place the blame solely on Nancy for the split of the Sex Pistols."

"Not the manager who ripped them off or anything," Janie said.

"He's a manager, they're supposed to do that," Hyde said. "She was just a drugged out version on Yoko."

"That is too bad," Fez said. "Yoko was a whore."

"Maybe Nancy really did love Sid whatshisname," Jackie said. "Maybe she got a raw deal."

"You would think that," Hyde said. "You're a Nancy too." Jackie crossed her arms. Donna groaned, sick of her friends fighting.

"How do you figure?" Jackie asked.

"You jump from one band member to another, causing tension and strife," Hyde said, simply. "Like Yoko, Nancy led to the break up of a visionary rock band. You just weren't as powerful as they were, cuz we're all still friends. Of course, you could always make a play for Eric, that would REALLY cause a stir."

"Hyde, knock it off," Donna said. Jackie was on it, though. For Hyde's sled was perilously placed at the top of the hill. One sudden shift of weight and he'd go careening down it.

So Jackie provided that weight shift by shoving the sled with her booted foot.

"DAMN IT JACKIE!" he exclaimed, flying down the hill.

"Wow. He's going really fast!" Fez exclaimed. Everyone stood, and watched him. They all cringed, except Jackie, who was lacing up her boots.

"That's going to leave a mark," Janie said. "It's just good he didn't run head on into that tree and, well, simply grazed it."

"Well, Donna, Eric, thanks for inviting me," Jackie said, putting her gloves on. "I would love to stay and sled until the moon is up, but I have five more bands to break up before the week is out, so you can imagine that I'm in a hurry to leave."

"Okay," Donna said, stifling a laugh. "I'll call you later." Jackie waved, and walked away from the hill.

"Should we go check on him?" Janie asked.

"Nah, he'll walk it off," Eric said. "Although, isn't there a pond at the very bottom of the hill?" They all looked at each other, and scampered down the hill.

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"Wow," Donna said, opening the door to Hyde's car for him. "You're just lucky that you missed the pond."

"Yeah, well, I don't consider myself lucky," Hyde said, holding the gauze to the cut on his forehead. "Not many guys are lucky enough to say they get to go home to the apartment I share with my crazy ex."

"She's not crazy, Hyde," Donna said. "She's hurt."

"Yeah, well now I'M hurt too, I hope she's happy," Hyde said, sitting in the driver's seat. Donna sighed.

"We both know she's not, right?" Donna asked. Hyde shrugged. "Look, just leave her alone for now, but you two need to talk everything out! I can't constantly jump from side to side in this little feud you're having."

"I know," he said.

"Just… Talk to her," Donna said. "Not tonight. She'll probably throw you out a window after what you said on the hill."

"I don't even know why I said it."

"Well, figure it out," Donna said. "You guys really need to stop this and just be civil with one another. No more avoiding each other or refusing to acknowledge each other's existence. Deal with your past."

"…. You're so bossy." She chuckled, and hugged him.

"Happy Groundhog's Day," she said. He nodded, and started up his car and drove off. She waved, and Eric pulled up the car to her. He parked it, and got out.

"So, despite the attempted murder on Hyde, was it a good day?" he asked. She shrugged. "What would have made it better?" She smiled.

"This," she said, and jumped on him. It caught him off guard, and they fell to the snow and she shoved his head into a snow drift. She laughed as he wrestled her off of him.

"You just won't let things go, will you?" he asked, and they wrestled in the snow, laughing all the while.

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Donna walked into her house, and covered her face.

"Ew! What is that smell?" she asked. Bob walked into the kitchen, with a mask over his face.

"Good news, kiddo!" he said. "The rat family is gone!"

"How, did they all die at the same time?" she asked, using her shirt to cover her nose.

"Crazy Karl the Rodent Catcher smoked them out," Bob said. "The only bad thing is that now the house is going to smell for awhile, so prospective buyers won't be allowed in it. But the rats are gone!" She shook her head, and left the kitchen.

"I thought it was pretty good news!" he called after her.

FADE OUT