A/N: When I wrote this, I had "She's Saving Me" by the Indigo Girls playing on repeat. Look up the song if you want, it'll probably add to the reading experience if you've never heard it before. This is the last chapter, I ended up combining 4 and 5 after all. Like I said in chapter 1, its open ended, but really, I think that's pretty fitting.

I hope you enjoy it...

Chapter 4

I had plenty of excuses. Anything that would let me avoid the truth about my mother, was something I would latch onto.

It was because I didn't understand the meaning of significance. It was because the tangible realities that I faced, were not enough for me. It was because I was her shadow, her daughter, her legacy. My emerald eyes were the same as hers, but, we saw different things. Why hadn't I noticed that before? I don't know, but, I still felt the draw. It was pulling me into the abyss, as I tried to search for some deep meaning that just wasn't there.

I wouldn't call it soul searching…not really.

Mom left me a lot of money, more than anyone would know what to do with. If they saw all of the zero's at the end, people's eye would bug out. I just didn't need to spend any of it. In truth, there was enough saved up to get by for several years, and that was under the idea of living quite comfortably at that. The feeling was almost overwhelming. When I held that credit card in my hand for the first time, my breath caught in my lungs. I'm sure a lot of people would feel some sense of entitlement, but I just felt guilty when I used it.

My first major expenditure was purchasing an apartment, and not a cheap one, either.

It came fully furnished, and over looked a scenic view of the nearby harbor. The first thing I did was sit down. I just sat and looked out at the glimmering water, and the boats. Well, that, and hold the little plastic card in my hand. It was my ticket to the rest of the world, and, I didn't exactly have a limit, so long as the money held out…but, knowing that didn't put food in my belly, and my bed was cold that night.

I even fell asleep with the television on, because Nao wasn't around to piss me off.

I couldn't blame anyone, I could only hate myself. Breakfast was a dry piece of toast, and poor excuse for coffee…the packet was some stupid little complimentary thing that I found in the gift basket. It came with the apartment…I didn't care for it, but I drank it anyway, then I left.

I'm sure I'm the odd one out, especially when it comes down to what to do after buying a place to live. I'm sure most people go out and by things they need, or look for a job if they don't have one…they do something, right? I didn't. I walked around the city all day…but, it wasn't like I didn't have a good reason too.

I wanted time, perspective...the fresh air of summer, even though all I could find was the slight nip of fall.

…

"The first night is always lonely." The short woman sighed, as she sat on the park bench, tossing some crumbs to the birds who waited for a good meal. "I wish I could say it will get easier, but instead I guess you just get used to it." The professor laughed. "In any case, I thought you'd be long gone."

"Me too." Natsuki said quietly. "I actually got out of city limits, for about an hour…then I turned around." She looked down at the pavement, waiting for the crack to open up and eat her whole, knowing it wouldn't happen. "Whatever I'm looking for, it isn't out there." Natsuki said then, before reaching into the paper bag that sat between the two of them. Pulling out a plastic container with a burger inside, she bit into it with dissatisfaction. "It's not back at the labs either."

"Then where is it?" Professor Gal asked, more with a smirk on her face in good humor, than in a pressing retort. Though, from the objective eye, both women knew the truth about that. "If you had to take a guess, where might you find what you're looking for?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be looking." Natsuki replied, continuing to eat her lunch. "Hell, I don't even know what I'm looking for…only that I'll know once I find it."

"Have you contacted Shizuru yet?" Gal cut to the core, her voice startling Natsuki.

"Why would I do that?" Realizing she wasn't going to worm her way out of things that easily, with a sigh Natsuki put down her food, and leaned back to look up at the fluffy clouds in the sky. "No, I haven't." She said then. "I probably won't, either."

"I don't know why you're so stubborn." Gal muttered, but she continued to feed the birds anyway. "Did it ever occur to you, that you could just be looking for Shizuru…that you're just lonely, and that you miss her? One phone call is all that would take."

"That's not good enough." Natsuki said all too quickly, she put the empty container down, watching as a stray dog came over to lap at the leftovers. "I know not everyone is lucky enough to find a job they both love and strive for…and not everyone finds happiness either, but say that a person does find those things…doesn't that make their lives stand out…doesn't it make them amazing?" Natsuki wasn't entirely sure, but, it was the truth her life seemed to revolve around. "It worked for my mom, didn't it…and you too, right?"

Gal smiled, a bitter sweet smile. "Yeah, Natsuki. I guess it did."

"Huh?" Dumbfounded, Natsuki studied Gal. "What's that for?"

"What's what for?" Gal asked, pulled from her trance.

"That weird face you had, just then." Natsuki said slowly. "It was…odd I guess."

Gal grew silent then, considering what to say, as if her words were a heavy weight, even for herself. "I'm of the belief, that a person shouldn't try to make their lives extraordinary…but rather, that they should spend their lives with extraordinary people, savoring the most mundane of days." With a soft chuckle, she looked over at young woman. "But, that's not something you can understand, because you are such a person."

Natsuki return the laugh, but denied Gal's words. "There's nothing amazing about me. I don't have anything to show for myself, not yet." That's what Natsuki aimed to do, in any way she could. "I just haven't found that one thing yet…but I will, eventually."

"I wouldn't be so sure." Gal stood, stuffing her hands in her pockets, pulling out a breath mint and popping it into her mouth. "You were born and raised in that laboratory. When you were small, the world was your oyster, and you drank in every bit of science that you could. You helped to build Miyu, and Alyssa sees you as a sister. You may not have blood relatives, but you aren't without family…if things were different, I'm still sure you and Nao would have been the best of friends…or, at least bitter rivals." Gal had been watching, and she could see Saeko in every movement…and yet, there was something else in those emerald eyes that Saeko never had within. "You don't have to compensate for anything…or anyone."

…

I didn't want to believe her…I didn't want to just accept the things she said so easily.

I felt that doing so would be like accepting a consolation prize, and I didn't want to be second place. I didn't want to be last, or first…I didn't really have a goal either, but I thought that it didn't matter in the short term. I did everything I could think if, from clearing tables, to car repairs, and even spent some time drawing up new plans for robots, and other bits and pieces. For a good few months, I found myself drowning in less than satisfactorily places, doing mediocre work for horrible pay.

My heart just wasn't in it…and I just didn't care about the small details. Things like a crumb or two on the floor, or the importance of good service seemed wasted. Unimportant, and, quite frankly dull. The plans I kept drawing up were dull too. New bike models, robot dogs, even just the occasional sketch or two, it all seemed so pointless.

The only thing I could think about was the arranged marriage, Shizuru…and the summer that was gone. It was like a drug, and I was sorely lacking in it…I would have given anything to just have a small bit of that back.

In the bitter cold of winter that year, I bought a ring.

…

It may have been the wrong time, but, there wasn't going to be a right one. She doubted that matters would change so significantly, and she didn't care to make a grand speech she couldn't back up. The world was a big place, and she was only one small person. Natsuki didn't to be arrogant enough to think that romance would suddenly sweep a person off her feet. It wasn't real, and, it wasn't what she wanted.

"I'm not doing this because of what our parents talked about." Natsuki said from the doorway, leaning heavily on it, having tossed the small velvet box onto Shizuru large, and elaborate desk. "Don't bother opening it…the box is empty." Coolly, she kept her eyes averted, not because she wanted to be that way…but because it was the only way she could avoid melting into that infuriatingly beautiful woman. "I want to think about it, together, I just thought that you should know."

It wasn't the grand announcement that most women might have expected, and Shizuru was sure than many would probably think it offensive and unromantic. Yet, it almost fit. Shizuru sat at her desk quietly, picking up the box, noticing the lack of anything inside. The red velvet box was soft under her fingertips. She opened it anyway. "You should stay for tea."

It was so easy, and the unspoken agreement between them was like that of an echo. "Only tea?" Natsuki asked, as she finally took the time to look Shizuru in the eyes.

"You aren't one for sweets." Shizuru smiled slowly as she stood from her place, her chair squeaking as she did so.

"Neither are you." Natsuki replied, taking hold of Shizuru's hand. "I don't care much for stipulations, either."

"No, I suppose you don't." Shizuru said softly, watching as the silver band was easily slid onto her finger. It was a plain, simple little thing, but, that too was Natsuki's way of showing her affections. "Then, what should I offer you?"

"Nothing." Natsuki said then, bringing her hand up to cup Shizuru's cheek, feeling quite out of place doing so. "Whatever happens, happens…and whatever doesn't, well that's okay too."

"This is sudden, and quite unexpected." Shizuru admitted, unsure of just how she felt about Natsuki's advance, but welcoming it all the same. Natsuki seemed to be hesitating, and such a reality made Shizuru smirk. "You didn't think this far ahead, did you?"

"Should I?" Natsuki began to pull away, but Shizuru grabbed hold of Natsuki's warm palm, and leaned into it with her cheek. "Thinking gets me into troubled whenever you're concerned."

"I've begun to notice that." There was just the smallest tinge of amusement in Shizuru's voice, but a plethora of it danced from behind Shizuru's eyes. "Come, and sit." She said, trying to lure the conversation away from the topic of impending marriage for a moment. As a natural hostess, Shizuru melted into the role, her mind switching gears as she poured Natsuki a cup of the warmed substance from the tray. It had been delivered not too long before, it was the perfect temperature. "You look tired, Natsuki."

The words were heavy, but the woman of midnight tresses nodded. "Yeah, you can attribute that to the hours I keep." Being tired was normally a godsend, as it gave Natsuki a reason to collapse in bed without staying up all night thinking. Still, it was currently her enemy, as Shizuru's voice washed over in her that calming melody. "These past few months have kept me busy."

"Have they now?" Her smile was a bit darker than before, sarcasm hidden behind the thin rim of her teacup. She was meticulous, nearly cautious, it was as if Shizuru herself knew all too well. "What makes a person like you tick, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked then, the blunt question begging for an answer in kind. "Why now of all times, here of all places?"

"If I knew that, I'd be better off, wouldn't I?" Natsuki muttered then, but, she kept her eyes leveled at Shizuru, unflinchingly. "I didn't get the memo, Shizuru. It took me a little bit of time to figure things out, and to be honest, getting out for a while was good for me. It answered a lot of questions…problem is, I've only been left with more."

"Life is a curious thing, and you're an inquiring mind." Shizuru shrugged, still a bit put off by Natsuki's words. "I can't say that I'm particularly surprised."

"I can't live alone." Natsuki's words were hardly uttered, but Shizuru could hear them perfectly. "I've moved in to that apartment building, over there." Natsuki said, pointing to the large window, and to the tall building in the distance. "I've been job hopping so much, just to get a good taste of the kind of life that people live on the outside world, the answers I ended up getting proved it."

"And, just what answers did you get?" Shizuru asked dryly, a hope nestled someplace in-between each word.

"Everything I needed to know." Natsuki said, failing to elaborate.

…

When all you have to comfort you, is your own mind, you begin to put together small details. Things about yourself, that even if you knew were evident, you might not have known why. When you live alone, you can play music to drown the silence, the television can drone on and on, and you can blankly stare at it. As if, the screen might give you answers, but, it won't.

Even something that seems prolific, just turns out to be a pile of shit that most of the time, you just can't use.

But…we call it beautiful anyway.

We latch onto it, because it may be the only normalcy in our lives. People will blindly accept things, if it means the pain will stop. That the loneliness will disappear. A person can run themselves into the ground, as long as they feel there's a meaning behind it…something that only they can do. Responsibility or not. Blame or no blame. Reasons that are their own…or no one's at all.

But, that's life. There is no mold, no future, no past…nothing…there's nothing beyond our own minds…our own failed endeavors, or greatest success. Outcomes are just outcomes…there's no magic behind it. No reason to really look too deep, to claw your way through proverbial mud that doesn't really exist.

That's fine.

No, really…it is. Completely.

…

They'd made phone calls with a measured civility that was tantamount to complete and utter strangers. Taking things slow, seemed to be the name of the game, and Natsuki wasn't entirely sure she liked this new routine. Shizuru was kind, but, she was also lacking her usual clout that so easily cut to the burning coils of any conversation. Perhaps it was because Shizuru was treating Natsuki like a proper suitor.

Whatever it was, it had to stop.

If her words had meant nothing, Natsuki could at least accept that she'd tried. It was cold, and the chill was one that cut to the deepest bone. Her breath would cloud the air in front of her, her eyes would sting from the harsh wind, and her fingertips would numb themselves. Natsuki could be okay with that. She could lean on the brick wall at her back, perch a cigarette between her lips, and sigh. She could wait for a new day, if she had too.

She kicked up her feet, resting them lazily on an overturned garbage can. Birds that hadn't found someplace warmer to be, pecked at dirty food. Half eaten fries and grease slick burgers were a delicacy to them. Natsuki could offer a smirk, she didn't think much of it…who was she to complain, after all. They'd caw at her, nipping at her shoelaces, and still, she only watched them.

It was so easy, when she learned not to think so hard about it…but, then again, working herself ragged made her too tired to think, too tired to care. As far as she was concerned, she was on her lunch break at another part time job. The how, or the why of it, didn't matter. Just the seconds that ticked by into hours…hours into days.

That was her only map.

"Kuga, you got a visitor up at the front!" Bored, she looked up, seeing the woman she'd barged in on not even a week before. She stood beyond the mesh fence, eying Natsuki worriedly. The woman of midnight hair found it hard to make herself presentable. She smoothed out the green jump suit she had on, and shoved her gloves into her pockets.

"Coming!" She said loud enough to be heard, as she gathered the trash and fixed the can. Having emptied it, and clearing the litter, the birds had nothing to eat, so she tossed them her lunch that she'd ignored.

"Garbage picking?" Shizuru asked, nearly confused.

"Well, it pays." Natsuki shrugged, with a smirk, leaning onto the mesh fencing. "What about you?" She asked, looking at Shizuru's attire. "Still doing everything daddy tells you to?"

Shizuru shook her head with a tiny smile. "I'm a grown woman, Natsuki. I don't have to listen to everything he says, unless I choose to." Still, she did as he wished, because he was her father. "Did you want to get dinner later?" Shizuru asked then, her eyes going to the ground, sighing at herself for her forwardness.

Emerald eyes narrowed a bit, her smirk turning into a frown. "That all depends."

"On what?" Shizuru queried back, a soft heat in her murmur.

"Where it leads…where we end up." Natsuki said then. Shizuru's hand was warm compared to her own. "Will it be the front door, your bed, or someplace else?"

"I don't know, Natsuki." Shizuru told her, leaning forward just the slightest bit. "Where do you want it to end?"

"Dunno." Natsuki shrugged. "I haven't gotten that far." Natsuki stuffed her hands in her pockets. "Walk with me." She said, not giving any indication to where she was going. She merely led Shizuru to the front gate of the park, and then down one of the nature areas, where the trees had lost their leaves. "When I was little, I didn't think too much about the things my mom did, or why she did them." Natsuki began. "All I knew was that everyone loved her, and, for whatever reason, they seemed to care a great deal about me too."

"I never thought about why." Natsuki sighed, the foot path had been cleaned earlier that day, but, even so, some jackass had tossed a wrapper in the grass nearby. She grabbed it, out of habit. "Then, she died, and I got older." Natsuki said quietly. "I drenched myself in the things that were familiar to me. I thought that somehow, maybe, just maybe…I could reach her that way." With a soft laugh, she crumpled the wrapper in her hand and stuffed it into her pocket. "But, just like the trash on the ground, that's worthless."

"That's a horrible thing to say, Natsuki." Shizuru said, stopping, and standing still.

"I'm not saying that her work wasn't great when she was alive." Natsuki replied. "I'm not even saying her memory is worthless either."

"Then, what are you trying to say?" Shizuru asked her. "That everything you tried to do was for nothing?" Shizuru shook her head. "That all of those beliefs you had, were so easy to just throw away like garbage?" Shizuru wouldn't believe that.

"What I mean, is that I didn't understand anything." Natsuki murmured quietly. "I started to realize, why she did what she did. It wasn't because it's what truly made her happy." Natsuki looked up. "She did that for me, no one else. Not for her studies, or the world…just, the future she thought she might have with her only child." With a soft laugh, perhaps one that was just a little bitter for not seeing it sooner, she licked her lips. "I want to do the one thing she couldn't do."

"What is that, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, feeling as if she might drown in very words that washed over her.

…

I wanted a family…I wanted the future she didn't get the chance to have.

Shizuru and I dated for a few months, she moved into my apartment, and quit her corporate job with that damn corner office. She said she didn't want to work those long hours, and, I didn't want her to either. We had to work to make a living, but, we didn't need to break our backs over it, that was for damn sure.

She got a job at the florist, three blocks down from where we lived, and I found myself blasting my way through an engineering degree as fast as I could. Working with Miyu had given me an edge, a solid foundation that I wanted to explore. I didn't want to be stuck in an office, a lab, or even working as a basic contractor. I wanted something else, so, after graduation, I found myself drawing schematics again, free-lance.

It gave me the time to be home, to sit, and think…but also, to raise my kids.

…

"Kenta, really?" Natsuki sighed, hearing the glass break before she even made it into the living room. "What did I say about playing ball in the house?"

"Don't do it?" The little boy asked with a sheepish grin on his face.

"They why do you still keep doing it." Natsuki half shouted. It was the second window he'd busted, and she was at her wits end.

"It's the Kuga gene, I swear to god." Gal chuckled, coming down from the loft. "Destruction comes as part of the package."

"I don't suppose you had anything to do with this?" Natsuki groused.

"Oh, lay off." Gal replied, tipping back a cup of coffee. "It's better than when you poured your milk down Miyu's throat. Let me think, a few windows, or an entire circuit board…what do you think is more expensive?"

"I was three." Natsuki said, putting her hand to her face. "So, what's the verdict?" She asked, pointing upstairs, to where her youngest was resting in bed.

"Germs." Gal laughed, though she handed Natsuki a prescription as she said that. "The kid's got a damn cold Natsuki, it happens. This will help with the fever, beyond that, just make her happy." She cracked her knuckles, and lit a cigarette, taking a long draw from it. "Ice cream, soup, juice, anything you can get her to eat or drink…just keep the kid hydrated, and she'll be fine."

"You did give her ice cream, didn't you?" Natsuki asked, to which Gal nodded. "Shizuru is going to kill me, dinner is in an hour, and my kid's eating ice cream."

"Well, she is also drinking half frozen orange juice, so I'm not entirely stupid. That kind of crap worked for you." Gal shrugged. "Don't fix what isn't broken." Then, with a grin that had to have sparked from a distant memory she scoffed. "Hell, if she gets fussy and can't sleep, make a hot toddy and let her have a sip or two, that should knock her out for the night."

"That has got to be the most unprofessional diagnosis I've ever heard." Natsuki said with a shake of her head.

"You survived." Gal muttered dryly. "Besides, her throat is as read as a tomato. I doubt you're going to get her to eat much, so appeal to her. Calories are calories, in a few days she'll be back to her old self, but until then, give the squirt a break."

It was then Shizuru came through the door, a slice of pizza covered in pickles in hand. "Hello everyone." She said, kicking off her shoes as she left her purse at the door.

"Hey hun." Natsuki smirked, wisely not saying anything about Shizuru's snack of choice. "How was work?"

"Busy." Shizuru said, giving her son a hug as she finally caught sight of the window. "What happened here?"

Natsuki was already grabbing the broom and dust pan. "I'm close to my deadline for the schematic I'm working on, Kenta broke the window, and Gal is bribing our five year old with ice cream." Natsuki said, giving the situation a once over. "The oven finally gave out, so I'm cooking the roast in the crock pot."

Shizuru just nodded her head, quite unsure what to say to any of that. "I see." Instead, she just munched on the slice of pizza in her hand and made her way over to the stairs. "I'm going to go check on Yasu."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Gal said. "Nao's up there keeping her company."

"It's probably just as well." Shizuru sighed tiredly, relaxing on the loveseat instead. "The baby has been making quite the ruckus all afternoon." She was so tempted to nod off, stifling a yawn with her hand. "I can almost guarantee this child aspires to be a football player."

"Now you see what I meant, when I carried Kenta." Natsuki smirked as she finished gathering the broken bits of glass.

"Well, Yasu was such a good baby. She rarely made such a fuss." Shizuru said as a small groan of discomfort slipped from her lips. She rubbed her plump midsection, trying to soothe the baby within, but she knew that was a fruitless effort. "This little boy won't let up."

"A few more weeks." Gal said with a smirk. "Have you decided on a name yet?"

"We'll decide after he's born." Natsuki said. "That's what we did with the other two, you could call it a tradition now."

"Yeah, I guess it is." It was getting to be early evening, and Gal checked her watch. She sent a text to Nao, telling her to get a move on, or else they would be late. "Hey, Kenta you ready to go to the game."

"Yeah." Kenta said, grabbing the duffel back and cleats that were by the door. "I'm ready, but we're up against a really hard team this time."

"You'll be fine." Natsuki said, noticing that Shizuru, had indeed, fallen asleep. "Listen to the adults…except for Nao. Don't listen to Nao. If she tells you anything, ask Gal first."

"Well screw you too." Nao growled. "Kenta, tell your mom to chill out, would ya?"

"Can we just go? I'm a starter." Kenta just shook his head, he wasn't going to get into that argument. "Coach is going to get really mad if I'm late."

"Yeah, let's kick it." Gal agreed. "I'll have him back to you in once piece before bed time."

"You better…" Natsuki shot back, but she knew her retort fell on deaf ears. With a sigh she looked around. The house was quiet, and for the first time all day, nobody was shouting for something, or making a fuss. Natsuki almost dared not to move, but she knew these rare few moments wouldn't last. "Better tape that window." Natsuki sighed…her schematics would have to wait, yet again.

…

Happiness is something that's far more abstract than dreams, fame, or fortune. That was something I wish I'd learned earlier…but, back then, I felt as if I had to live up to some grand expectation...I wanted someone…anyone…to discover the truth...I wanted more than anything, to just be my own person, but, that was easier said than done. I can't say there aren't times when my mind wanders, but, I can say with absolute honesty, that I don't regret anything.

Not everyone can do what I do.

They don't have the luxury…one thing I learned from all of the odd jobs I did, was that not everyone had that kind of time. Something normally had to give, to bend, and nine times out of ten…it was time spent with the family, trying to make ends meet. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to try to juggle a paycheck at the expense of missed time. I also didn't want to be the person with the high paying job and yet, no real family to show for it.

Sometimes, I'm told that I was too smart to just give up my position in the lab, or that I settled to be a stay at home mom…but, I really don't think so. In fact, I think I decided on the most challenging life of all. It isn't exactly glamorous, and I'd be lying if I didn't say it comes with its fair share of dirty work. Even so, I'm actually looking forward to for the next few years, regardless of what I know will happen.

I'm going to be covered in spit-up, cat napping on the sofa any chance I get, all the while pulling money out of the saving for the diapers, pacifiers, nursery water, and all of that other baby crap that clutters up a house. Chances are, Kenta, being the diminutive boy that he is, will probably take a page from Nao's book and drive me completely crazy. Yasu's starting dance class in the fall, so we'll be juggling that along with Kenta's baseball in the spring, and football in the fall. Adding a baby to that, and I can basically kiss my schematics goodbye until a routine gets settled.

...that is, if a routine gets settled...

Even so, there's something gratifying about sitting with my bare feet in the nearest sandbox, a stroller on my right, a play scape on my left, and my schematics in my lap. With any luck, hopefully Shizuru's getting in a sorely needed nap while we're out. She's only got a few more days of maternity leave, after that, she's back at the florist, and I'll be stuck at home alone trying to keep the house from falling apart.

The only thing I'm missing is a dog, but, in a few years, I'll probably have that too.