A/N: To whom it may concern: I'm experimenting with a new format with lines to better segment the sections of the chapter. With that little notification out of the way, enjoy the fanfic.
Blaise's theme song plays as he appears on his studio stage in a puff of smoke. "Hello viewers, after spending some time trying to repress the horrible memories that I have of my late wife, it's time for the third episode of Pick Your Poison! Now let's see what punishments that I get to subject my lovely guests to today."
A jar with a bunch of notes in it then appears on a table in the center of the stage.
Blaise then reaches into the jar and pulls out a note, which he then proceeds to read with a confused look on his face. "Red498 would like to see a prosecutor named 'Winston Payne' get punished…" A look of irritation forms on Blaise's face. "I don't know what crap you're trying to pull on me, Red498, but I'll have you know that we don't take lightly to prank requests on this show. Did you really think that you'd fool me with that request? I'm not stupid like Sebastian, y'know. I know for a fact that there is no prosecutor in this series named 'Winston Payne.'"
A stagehand then nervously runs up to Blaise. "Um, sir, I think that they're referring to the pathetic, high-pitched man in Cell 17-D."
"That pathetic excuse for a human being is a prosecutor? I thought that he was a janitor, y'know. Are you sure that he's the guy that Red498 wants to see punished?"
"I-I think, sir… S-Sorry, I have to go… make sure your mini-fridge is stocked!" The Stagehand says as he quickly runs as far away from Blaise as quickly as possible, afraid that he would end up like the last stagehand that was near Blaise when he was irritated.
Blaise shrugs his shoulders and starts playing with his lighter. "Doesn't matter to me, y'know… Let the punishment commence."
Blaise then turns on a screen which shows Winston Payne prosecuting a trial, squaring off against his self-appointed 'rival', Phoenix Wright. In the courtroom, the mumbling of the crowd is silenced as the Judge slams his gavel.
"This court sees no reason to prolong this trial. This case is extremely clear. I see no room for misinterpretation of the facts. This court finds the defendant, Nicholas Apun… Not Guilty. This court is hereby adjourned." The Judge then punctuates his sentence by slamming his gavel.
Phoenix shakes his head. "Another easy victory against Payne; and either I'm getting better at this, or he's becoming more and more pathetic." Phoenix says as Maya high-fives him.
"Yeah Nick, you really wiped the floor with Payne! How about we celebrate with some burgers, your treat?" Maya says with a mischievous smile on her face as she tugs on Phoenix's sleeve.
At that moment, Lana Skye angrily barges into the courtroom and storms up to Winston. "Payne, I was watching that trial from the Prosecutor's Lobby and I am appalled by how pitiful you performed during this trial. This is an all-time low, even for you." Lana states as Payne, with sweat dripping down his brow, takes a step back to create some space between him and the angry chief prosecutor.
"M-Ms. Skye, it's not my fault. Wright was too skilled with his shrewd manipulation of the evidence and his badgering of the witness. Maybe the defendant was truly innocent." Winston says as he cracks a nervous smile to perhaps lighten the mood.
"The defendant was seen brutally stabbing the victim in that alley by both the witness and that security camera, the tape of which was submitted as evidence. The defendant, who was arrested after trying to silence the witness, had the victim's blood all over him and was spouting off how much he hated the victim. Not to mention, the murder weapon was the hook that the defendant had for a left hand." Lana says as she counts off the examples on her fingers. "How is that an innocent man!? That case was practically handed to you on a silver platter!"
"In my defense, that man didn't look all that suspicious." Winston says as he starts to regain his composure.
"What sane, culpable individual walks around Los Angeles with a bloody hook for a left hand and hangs out in alleys!?" Lana says as she angrily clenches her fists.
"For all we know, he could be a pirate. But don't worry; I'm sure that I'll win my next case." Winston says with a smug smile as he taps his forehead.
Lana slaps her forehead and shakes her head out of irritation. "The thing is, Payne, there won't be a next time for you."
Upon hearing this, Winston starts to break out in a nervous sweat as he starts fidgeting. "W-What do you mean by that, Ms. Skye?"
"Look, Payne, this case marks your 500th consecutive loss, and as the policies of the Prosecutor's Office dictate, you are unfit to be a prosecutor and as such, you must turn in your badge by the end of today."
Winston then starts stomping his feet and flailing his arms. "But I'm Winston Payne, the Rookie Killer! You can't fire me! I MADE this city's Prosecutor's Office what it is today!" Winston yells in a smug, whiny voice oozing with apprehension.
"I just did." Lana retorts as she puts her hands to her hips to emphasize her point.
"Well, I hope that you're proud of yourself, Ms. Skye, because you've just made the biggest mistake of your career, for a prosecutor of my caliber only comes by once in a lifetime."
"Don't worry Payne, for we have already hired your replacement. In fact, here he comes now…" Lana says as she points to Money the monkey, who has just entered the courtroom and is approaching them.
Winston then starts to sweat as he slightly hunches over. "A-A monkey? How on God's green Earth is a monkey fit to hold the title of 'prosecutor', let alone fill the void left by my absence?"
"For your information, Payne, Money here has actually managed to get a criminal convicted during his most recent trial, which is more than I can say for you." Lana sneers at Payne as a small smile spreads across her face.
At this moment, Winston comes to the realization that this is the end of his career. It was no big secret that he was not all that respected; that the other prosecutors would make jokes behind his back and even to his face when they were feeling especially bold. But Winston didn't care; he loved being a prosecutor and felt that by taking the cases that other prosecutors felt were too small for them, that he was important. But now he realizes that all of his cases were against novice attorneys, greenhorns in the world of law while he was a veteran of the field. That's why no one respected him: he was like that kid in elementary school who was held back three years and used his physical maturity to bully the younger kids.
Things weren't always like this for Winston: he had a full head of thick hair, he married the girl of his dreams, and he had a daughter who went on to become the successful CEO of the Gatewater Group. Hell, he even managed to win the competition to name the hotdogs in the courthouse vending machine, which is still used to this day. But his world was taken from him by one vile, heartless, busty monster of a woman known only as Mia Fey.
After that fateful day when he received his first defeat at the hands of Mia Fey, and lost his hair as a result, everything started to fall apart. Since his hair was one of the cornerstones of his confidence, Winston became more timid and withdrawn, and he started to lose more trials as a result. At home, Winston became so clingy in a pathetic attempt to receive praise that his wife proceeded to divorce him and kick him out of the house.
Now, due to high alimony payments, Winston is living in a rundown apartment in a rough part of town, where he is mugged almost every day, and has to survive off of instant noodles, but unlike Gumshoe, he at least has the dignity not to reveal that fact. The only remaining light in his life is the fact that his daughter, Mona Payne, has always loved him and respected him as prosecutor, not because he of a win streak, but because he was one of the few honest prosecutors in his Prosecutor's office that was honest, one of the 'good guys.'
That's why she was a fan of the Blue Badger and made it the mascot of her company's theme park: because it allowed her to brag to everyone of how her father taught Phoenix Wright how to be an ace attorney, which lead to her company becoming an overnight juggernaut. Even though she would love to invite her father to live with her, she knows that it would take the last bit of his pride from him and she couldn't bring herself to do it. That's why Winston views himself as important, that's why he embraces his title of 'Rookie Killer', not for himself or his fellow prosecutors, but so that he can truly be a man that his daughter can be proud of.
As Winston stands in front of Lana, perfectly still with a stiff back and wide, unblinking eyes, thinking about the evens of his life, his trance is broken when Lana reaches into the pocket of his suit and removes his prosecutors badge.
Winston, realizing that even his daughter will disown him now, falls on his knees and screams at the top of his lungs as his face reddens. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Winston continues to yell as his voice becomes more and more high-pitched and shrill as his remaining hair flies off of his head.
At that moment, the entire courthouse begins to shake and all of the windows in the building start to shatter. As Winston continues to scream, every glass object in Los Angeles begins to shatter. Soon after that, the shrill sound of Winston's voice causes birds to fall out of the sky and people to start dying in the streets. Winston's frequency eventually gets so high that an earthquake radiates from the courthouse that is powerful enough to destroy all buildings in a 40 mile radius. After ten minutes of this screaming, Winston looks around the devastated courtroom to find everyone around him is dead.
Winston then feels his head, which is now completely bald. "My-my hair… It's… all gone." Winston says in a sullen voice as he curls into a ball and starts crying.
Suddenly, a SWAT team bursts into ruined building and restrains Winston. "Winston Payne, you are under arrest for the destruction of Los Angeles and the deaths of 10.2 million people!" The man who is restraining Winston yells.
As Winston is being dragged away by the SWAT team, he is blinded by a bright light and when he regains his sight, he is back in his holding cell.
The show then focuses back on Blaise, who is playing with his lighter. "I hope that was the right guy, but even if it wasn't, it's no skin off my back, y'know. Anyways, let's see if the next punishment involves anyone that I actually know…"
Blaise then reaches into the jar and pulls out a note. After reading it, he chuckles to himself. "Y'see, now this is more like it. FranzyPearlfan would like me to give Larry Butz his just deserts…"
Blaise then turns on a screen where Larry is sitting in a pub, drinking a beer as he talks to the weary bartender, who has had to listen to Larry whine every time a girl dumps him, which means that he practically sees Larry every week.
"Damn Miharu! Why'd she leave me? Why do they all leave me? I'm a nice guy: I pamper them, and complement them, and write them charming letters, but yet they keep dumping me!" Larry yells as he quickly downs the beer. "Another beer, Barlow…" Larry sullenly says as he rubs his watering eyes.
"Look, Butz, I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes life ain't fair and you get thrown for a loop more time than you can count. But just remember, if those broads can't appreciate you for who you are, then they're not worth keeping around." Barlow calmly says as he polishes a mug.
Barlow then hands Larry another beer as the young, dejected man begins to sob. "Who am I kidding, Barlow? I'm gonna die alone or worse, have to become gay like Edgey and wear his poufy tie-thing while I drink tea and read books!"
"Don't look now, Butz, but I think that girl's eyein' you up…" Barlow says as he points to a table on the other side of the pub where Lauren Paups is nervously alternating her gaze between Larry and her soda.
Larry quickly combs his hair with his fingers as he lets out a nervous sigh. "I'm going in…"
Larry then walks over to Lauren's table and upon seeing him, Lauren stops sipping her soda and nervously looks down at the wood gloss of the table as her cheeks turn bright red. "Oh my God, that hot guy is at your table, Lauren! Say something to him… H-Hi, I'm Lauren… Lauren Paups." Lauren meekly says to Larry, who is smiling at her.
"What a coincidence, my name happens to be Larry. So Lauren, I see that you have a Band-Aid on your elbow. Did you get it when you fell from Heaven, my angel?" Larry asks in the savviest voice he can muster.
"He's so witty, Lauren. He's the perfect guy to help you get over your ex-boyfriend. Hopefully he'll ask you out…" Lauren nervously thinks out loud.
A big grin then spreads across Larry's face as he realizes that this nervous girl in front of him, who has no internal monologue, is head-over-heels for him and all he has to do is ask her out. "Lauren, it seems that I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"
Lauren then nervously nods her head as she writes down her phone number on a nearby napkin and gives it to Larry and Larry does the same with his number. "So Lauren, how about we get some dinner and discuss our interests?"
"I-I… I need some space!" Lauren yells as she runs off out of sight in a nearby alcove.
Larry, proud of having received a woman's phone number, proceeds to Leave the pub with a skip to his step and a big, goofy grin on his face. But little does he know that as he is leaving, Lauren is watching him from the alcove.
"Why are you so cowardly and shy, Lauren!? Now that hot stud muffin of a man is going to leave you and find another girl!" Lauren yells as she takes out a pair of scissors and almost cuts off her right bang of hair. "No, Lauren! You can't let your fear tie you down! That's how you got in trouble with Lance. You need to be assertive with that hunky dreamboat and show him how much you want him…" Lauren then begins to dreamily star at her lollipop ring. "Yes, that's what you'll do. And then he'll have no choice but to love you forever and ever and ever…"
The next morning, Larry is woken up by the sound of his alarm clock going off. Larry groggily rubs his eyes as he turns off his alarm clock, but is then wide awake when he smells something that he never thought that he'd smell in his apartment: home cooked food.
Larry then jumps out of his bed and takes a baseball bat out of his closet. Larry then sneaks out of his room and then jumps out into the kitchen area with his bat raised high in the air, ready for a fight. But to Larry's surprise and confusion, instead of seeing a burglar, he sees Lauren making him pancakes.
"G-Good morning, Larry. I made you pancakes. I hope that you don't mind…" Lauren nervously says as she grips the frying pan that she is holding.
Larry may be the type of guy who likes it when girls cook for him, heck he likes it when girls are nice to him in general. But even Larry has boundaries and a girl breaking into his apartment is a big no-no.
"I appreciate this Lauren, but how did you get in here? And more importantly, how did you find my apartment?" Larry asks her as he starts to nervously sweat.
"I-I just followed you here from the bar and then snuck in through the fire escape. Why, did I do something wrong?" Lauren asks as she pulls out her scissors and contemplates cutting her right bang of hair.
"Lauren, even I know that it is wrong to break into a person's home. Now can you please leave my apartment? I'll be more than willing to take you out on a date later today."
"He's going to dump you, Lauren! You should have been more assertive! Now it's time for plan B…!"
A confused look spreads across Larry's face. "Plan B? What tha-"Before Larry can finish his sentence, Lauren knocks him unconscious with a frying pan.
When Larry regains consciousness, he is in his bed, wearing only his underwear, and his wrists are tied to the banisters of his bed. As Larry flails his body in an attempt to free himself, Lauren, who is wearing just a bra, panties, and her lollipop ring, enters the room.
"Good, he's awake. Now it's time to make your move, Lauren…" Lauren thinks out loud as she slowly walks towards Larry, licking her lips in excitement of what's going to happen next.
Lauren then climbs onto the bed and proceeds to nibble on Larry's ear; and while Larry would normally enjoy this sort of behavior from girls, it's a different story when crazy ones knock him out and tie him to his bed.
Larry then thinks to himself. "What would my ex-girlfriends do if I ever did this to them…" But he doesn't know the answer to that question because unlike this balls-off-the-wall insane woman, he at least knows not to hold them hostage. Sure, he might send them love letters that may come off as blackmail, but that only causes mild disgruntlement. On the other hand, what's happening to him right now is sexual assault, and not the good kind that he watches on his favorite websites on lonely Friday nights, but rather, the bad kind.
Larry knows that this girl is insane and that he needs to drop her like textbook, however, given the situation he's in at the moment, one wrong move could result in his throat being spliced with a pair of scissors. "Yo, Lauren… Can I tell you something?" Larry asks while trying to put on a brave face as he nervously sweats.
"Yes, Lare-Bear…?" Lauren asks as she licks her lollipop ring, which she is actually still wearing.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but I am voracious in the bedroom and if I start doing anything with you, then you might get hurt."
"He's so selfless, Lauren. You need to make sweet love to him now. He deserves it…"
Larry, seeing that that failed to scare her off, decides to be more aggressive. "Lauren, I don't want to have a relationship with you. You are a crazed, psychotic girl that I wish would untie me!" Larry yells at the nervous girl.
"Not only is he selfless, but he's also honest. How did you get such a good man, Lauren? You have to make sure to never let him go!" Lauren says as she stairs dreamily at her lollipop ring
Lauren then proceeds to start making out with Larry as he continues to try and free himself from the ropes that are confining him to his own bed. Unfortunately for him, Lauren really did a good job with the knots and he is unable to escape.
Lauren then proceeds to slowly remove Larry's underwear. "I-I hope that you enjoy this as much as I will…" Lauren says to Larry as she starts to blush.
"I can already tell you that I won't. Someone! Anyone! Nick! Edgey! Pearl! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!" Larry screams at the top of his lungs. But unfortunately for him, no one comes.
Before Lauren can do anything else to him, Larry is blinded by a bright light and when he regains his sight, he is back in his holding cell.
Thankful that he has escaped that demented woman, Larry begins to contemplate his life. "Is this how most women view me? As some weird pervert? Well no longer, from this day forth, I, Larry Butz, vow to be civil and respectable to all women." Larry proudly states as Franziska approaches him.
"What foolishly foolish nonsense are you rambling on about now, Larry Butz?" Franziska seers as she puts her hands to her hips.
"So Franzy, since we're in this cell, do you wanna model for my book?" Larry asks with his normal, creepy smile, which Franziska responds to by repeatedly whipping Larry while yelling insults that utilize a large variety of 'colorful' vocabulary and many, many variations of the word 'fool.'
The show then focuses back on Blaise, who has a big grin on his face. "Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Blaise, isn't that sort of material lewd and inappropriate for this kind of show?' And to that, I will respond by stating how that was the censored version, y'know. Y'see, the original version would have had a naked Larry Butz being chased through the woods by Hotti and Kudo; the ending of which would involve acts done to that idiot would have been something straight from 'Deliverance.' But I digress, time for the next punishment."
Blaise then reaches into the jar and pulls out a note, which he then reads. After reading the note, Blaise begins to play with his lighter. "This punishment could be fun… Y'see, a guest would like Ray Shields to learn the true evils of hugs. Let the punishment commence."
Blaise then turns on a screen which shows Ray finishing a visit with Horace Knightley in the Detention Center in preparation for the latter's impending trial. As Ray walks out of the Visitor's Room and into the adjoining hallway, he can't help but feel a sense of déjà vu, as if this had all happened before, but he can't put his finger on why.
In his contemplative state, Ray accidently bumps into Kathrine Hall, who is going to the Visitor's room to see Masters. Out of courtesy, Ray takes off his fedora and bows. "Ms. Hall, I'm so sorry about that. How about I give you an apologetic hug to compensate? Ray says as he stretches out his arms and gives the actress a warm smile.
Kathrine nods in agreement and Ray hugs her, the actress that he had been harboring affectionate feelings towards for the last 18 years. As he hugs her, he savors the smell of her hair, which has the aroma of milk chocolate and nougat; which is how he imagined her hair would smell.
Suddenly, Rays' feeling of joy is robbed from him when he is forcibly kissed on the lips. When Ray breaks away from the kiss, he sees that Kathrine is no longer there and that he is now hugging some weird blond lady who is wearing a coat made out of foxes.
Out of fear, Ray quickly wriggles free from Patricia's vice grip hug and then backs up against a nearby wall as he takes deep breaths. "Who are you!? Where's Kathrine?" Ray says as his eyes bulge out.
Patricia and the white fox that she has with her then smile at Ray with a look of lust in their eyes. "There is no Kathrine, honey, only me, Patty Roland! Now come over here so that we can get more… familiar…" Patricia purrs as she slowly approaches Ray.
"Now, Uncle Ray likes a good hug once and a while, but this is quickly entering stranger danger territory." Ray says as he puts his arms out in order to block the prison warden's advances on him.
Hearing the commotion in the area, the real Patricia Roland enters the area. "Just what is going on in-" Patricia stops talking out of shock from seeing another her. "Darling, I LOVE your hair. And that fox coat… It's absolutely divine!"
Kathrine/Patricia then stops pursuing Ray as she begins to chat with the real Patricia. Seeing his chance, Ray quickly flees the hallway and escapes the Detention Center. Once he outside, Ray looks back to make sure that none of the Patricia Rolands are chasing after him.
As Ray is quivering out of nervousness, a ten year-old Trucy Gramarye approaches him. "What's wrong, mister?"
"U-Uncle Ray's just a little on edge. I'll be fine, though…"
Trucy then flashes Ray an excited grin as she starts bouncing up and down. "You know what, Mr. Ray; you need one of my world-famous Super-Duper Omega Mega Ultra Supreme Trucy Hugs!"
Upon hearing Trucy's request, Ray calms down a bit and gives Trucy a reassuring smile. "You know what, your right, little girl…" Ray says as he gives Trucy a hug.
As soon as Ray wraps his arms his arms around Trucy, she suddenly Morphs into Oldbag.
"Get off of me, whippersnapper!" Oldbag screams in Ray's ear, which causes him recoil back and fall on the ground in shock.
"What the hell!? Uncle Ray doesn't want to hug you!" Ray screams as he gets himself off of the ground.
"In response to this, Oldbag starts seething as she clenches her teeth and fists and gives Ray the death glare. "Why I'd never…! The youth of today, insulting a lovely woman such as myself. Why can't every man be like my Edgey-poo? Now HE'S a man with class and style; unlike you, you shaggy hipster!"
Ray, fearing the possibility of Oldbag assaulting him, puts his hands in front of his body as his eyes widen. "No offense, but it's just that you're kind of… grody…" Ray whispers the last part of that sentence as he braces for whatever this enraged elderly woman staring him down is about to do to him.
At this point, Oldbag goes into her Hyper Oldbag Tirade Mode. "That's the issue with this generation: They can't appreciate beauty when it's right in front of them! And it's not like you're so attractive with your long, poufy hair and that sad, shaggy beard! And who are you trying to fool with that fedora!? A fedora is a MAN'S hat for manly men and not pathetic whippersnappers like you. If you want to see a real man, you should see my Edgey-poo: Edgey-poo's refined, well-spoken, and has a great sense of style! If Edgey-poo saw how you were treating me, then he would teach you a thing or two on how to act like a REAL gentleman! I-"
Oldbag notices that Ray had run away during her rant. "That's another thing: If Edgey-poo saw that I was talking, he would have the common decency to listen to every word that I'd have to say!" Oldbag yells as she shakes her fist.
Meanwhile, Ray is running as fast and far away from Oldbag as he possibly can. "There's no way that I'd stick around for that. Uncle Ray may be crazy enough to hug every pretty girl that he comes across, but he has the common sense to avoid an endless tirade."
Ray then continues running until he reaches the Prosecutor's Office. "If anyone knows what's going on with my hugs, it's Greggory's son." Ray says as he rushes up to the 12th floor of the building and bursts into Edgeworth's office, where the dapper prosecutor is talking with Kay.
"Mr. Shields… I wasn't expecting you here today." Edgeworth says as he stares in bewilderment at Ray, whose face is flushed and is gripping the doorframe with both hands.
"Hugs… Cursed…" Ray pants as he walks into the office; but as Ray walks towards Edgeworth, he notices Kay. "Hey, how'd you like to help Uncle Ray with an experiment?" Ray desperately asks as he rushes at Kay.
Before the young girl can say anything, Ray hugs her and almost immediately, she turns into Victor Kudo, who forces Ray off of him by pelting him with birdseed. "Get off of me, you sissy-man! Back in my day, men didn't hug other men in public!"
Edgeworth, in shock, alternates his attention between Ray, who is profusely sweating, and Victor, who is now furiously eating his birdseed. "S-Shields…! What on Earth did you do to my assistant!?"
"Look Miles, Uncle Ray can't help that his hugs are cursed! Maybe it's only the case with women…" Ray says as he starts to slowly approach Edgeworth.
"N-No! Get away from me! You're not going to do to me what you did to Kay!" Edgeworth yells as he tries to run away from Ray.
Unfortunately for Edgeworth, Ray catches up to Edgeworth and hugs him, which causes the young prosecutor to turn into Jean Armstrong. "Your 'air is so soft, and your beard is so silky, monsieur…" Jean says as he caresses Ray's hair and face.
Ray then pushes Jean away from him. "No! Sure, I was able to tolerate that perverted warden, that angry, grody woman, and even that angry old man…"
Victor starts throwing birdseed at Ray. "I am not old!" Victor yells to the disgruntled attorney.
"But hugging that… THING is where Uncle Ray draws the line!" Ray yells as he points an angry finger at Jean, who is now flashing Ray his most seductive stare.
"Oh, but monsieur, I can't 'elp it that the 'andsome men are attracted to moi…" Jean says as he starts shaking his torso in a disturbing fashion.
"Oh and when does that happen? After they blind themselves to avoid looking at you?" Ray asks in a snarky manner.
"When they notice that I am blocking la only exit to le office..." Jean says as he moves in front of the office door, thus preventing Ray's escape. "And if you would like to leave, monsieur, then you'll have to give me une grande hug and a kiss on each of moi cheeks. Otherwise, la escape, she will be impossible, non?" Jean says as he slowly and seductively walks towards Ray, who is frantically looking for a way to escape the office.
Ray then notices the window behind Edgeworth's desk. "I'm coming, Gregory…! To join you in that Golden Courtroom in the Sky, where hot girls hugs are always willing to hug and the chocolate is always sweet…" Ray says as he dashes towards the window, with Jean chasing after him.
As Ray is about to reach the window, he is blinded by a bright light and when he regains his sight, he is back in his holding cell, but before he realizes where he is, he dashes right into the holding cell's wall; which causes his nose to start bleeding as he falls to the ground.
The show then focuses back on Blaise as he plays with his lighter. "Y'know, I feel that punishment could be extended to men everywhere because we don't like hugging ugly women, y'see. That's right, I said it: the best woman to hug is a hot one with a rockin' bod." A big grin then spreads across Blaise's face. "That's one thing that my ex-wife had going for her. Sure, she had the personality of a dry sponge and was dumber than Sebastian, but boy, was she hot. Y'see, she had the full package: voluptuous breasts, slender figure, and an ass that was jelly because jam didn't shake like that. Plus, since she was 26 when I married her, her body was in its prime."
Blaise then starts crying as he tugs on his beard. "But this story doesn't have a happy ending y'know… Because after I tapped her, m-my condom malfunctioned and she became pregnant with my useless idiot son… God, he's such an idiot..." Blaise says as he empties the tears from his goggles. "And then after Sebastian was born, not wanting her to make him as stupid as she was, I felt that it was the right time to make her disappear. Needless to say, given Sebastian's personality, it's genetic… But enough about me, time for the next punishment."
Blaise then reaches into the jar and pulls out a note, and reads it. After Blaise finishes reading the note, he chuckles to himself. "A guest would like to see a punishment that involves Phoenix Wright experiencing some law and order…Let the punishment commence."
Blaise then turns on a screen, which shows Phoenix anxiously sitting alone at the defense's bench as Maya, who is scowling at Phoenix, and her lawyer, Edgeworth, sit at the plaintiff's bench. After a few seconds, Franziska, who is wearing a judge's robe, enters the courtroom and seats herself at the judge's bench.
Franziska then cracks her whip. "Order in the court; it's time for the next episode of 'Judge Franziska.' Will the plaintiff please give the court a quick overview of its case?"
Edgeworth stands up and bows to Franziska. "Certainty, Your Honor. My client, Ms. Maya Fey, would like to sue Mr. Phoenix Wright for, to quote her, 'being a stingy, old coot that won't let me use his credit card whenever I want.'"
Franziska then brandishes her whip. "Plaintiff, I would normally never accept a foolish case of this magnitude, but for Phoenix Wright, I'll make an exception…" Franziska cynically says with a grin.
Phoenix then stands up and points his finger at Edgeworth. "Objection! The defense feels that this case should not be held due to the fact that my assistant can't take no for an answer."
Franziska then whips Phoenix. "Don't push your luck, foolish attorney. Speaking of which, where is your attorney, or will you try to foolishly defend yourself like the foolishly foolish fool that you are?"
Phoenix starts tugging at the collar of his shirt. "Since you said before the show that I wasn't allowed to defend myself, I called the Grossberg Law Firm and they are sending me an attorney as we speak…"
At that moment, Larry bursts into the courtroom and goes over to the defense's bench. "Sorry I'm late, got into an argument with my now-ex-girlfriend, Janay; but don't worry, because the defense is here!" Larry, who is wearing his casual clothes, says with a nervous smile as he flashes a thumbs-up.
Phoenix rubs the bridge of his nose as he sighs. "Larry, why are you here? I asked Grossberg to send me an attorney, not you."
"Well, apparently none of the lawyers at the Firm felt that this case was worth their time, so they went with the next best option. Don't worry Nick, I'll get you outta this in a jiffy, or I'm not worth the five bucks they paid me to defend you!" Larry says as he grins and waves his arm, which is covered by his sleeve.
"Larry, you aren't even a lawyer. How do you expect to be a credible attorney if you aren't even certified?"
Larry flashes his lapel, which has a cardboard attorney's badge attached to it. "Is that proof enough for you that I'm Larry Butz: Ace Lawyer Dude, Nick?" Larry says with a smug grin as the corner of his mouth twitches.
"Larry, that 'badge' is made of cardboard… Who do think you're fooling?
"They don't know that, Nick."
Edgeworth slams his hand on his desk. "Objection! Your honor, this simpleton is clearly not a lawyer. As you can see, his badge is clearly made out of cardboard."
Franziska whips Edgeworth. "Objection overruled, Miles Edgeworth. I shall continue this foolish sham of a trial out of my own curiosity. Plus, when will I ever get another opportunity to see Phoenix Wright in this much discontent?" Franziska says with a condescending smirk on her face as she playfully wags her finger. "The plaintiff may call forth its first witness."
Edgeworth shrugs his shoulders. "I would like to call Ms. Pearl Fey to the Stand."
Pearl then steps up to the Witness Stand. "Witness, please state your name and occupation."
"I'm Pearl Fey and I'm a spirit medium-in-training." Pearl says in her normal polite tone of voice.
"Now Ms. Fey, can you please describe to the Court how Mr. Nick has been treating Mystic Maya as of lately?"
Pearl then rolls up her right sleeve and clenches her fist. "While I do believe that Mr. Nick is a good man, he does not know how to properly treat a lady. For example, last week was Valentine's Day and Mr. Nick did NOTHING for Mystic Maya: no card, no candy, only nothing! He didn't even try to make love to Mystic Maya, even after I went through the trouble of buying him his special condoms from the store!" Pearl yells as she slams a box of condoms that reads "Lil' Centurion XXXXS Condoms: Little sheaths for Little Swords" on the witness stand.
Upon seeing the box of condoms, everyone in the courtroom, except Edgeworth, bursts out into laughter while Phoenix grips his head out of embarrassment. "There is no place like home, there is no place like home, there is no place like home." Phoenix chants to himself, hoping that this is all just some horrible nightmare.
Franziska then cracks her whip and the Courtroom quickly becomes silent. "The court would like to admit the Defendant's foolishly foolish condoms into evidence for future blackmailing purposes." Franziska says with a snigger.
*Lil' Centurion XXXXS Condoms added to the Court Record.*
"The plaintiff feels that it has gained the necessary information from the witness." Edgeworth says with an indifferent expression on his face.
Phoenix then pulls at his hair as he thinks about his situation. "Thankfully, there aren't any cross examinations on this show, so things can't get any worse…"
"The Defense would like to call Mr. Phoenix Wright to the Stand!" Larry confidently says as he flashes a thumbs-up.
"But then again, with Larry, there's always a possibility." Phoenix thinks to himself as he clenches his teeth and sweat drips down his brow.
Phoenix then takes Pearl's place at the Witness Stand. "Mr. Wright, if that's your real name, please explains what you were doing at 5:00 P.M. on the date of November 18th, 2003."
"I don't know, I guess eating dinner with my parents after finishing my homework… I really don't remember." Phoenix says as he scratches his chin in an attempt to remember that specific day of his childhood.
"So he doesn't remember…" Larry slams his hands on the Witness Stand. "Or perhaps he doesn't WANT to remember!"
"What are you talking about, Larry!?" Phoenix says with eyes widened from shock.
Larry then pulls out a female doll. "Where on this doll did they touch you?" Larry yells as he points to the doll.
"Larry, how is this supposed to help my case…? Plus, how is that doll supposed to represent me when it's clearly female?"
"Witness, need I remind you that you are under oath? Now stop running away from your past and tell the court where on this doll those bad, bad men touched you!" Larry says as he shoves the doll in Phoenix's face.
At this point, Edgeworth, who is actually feeling sorry for Phoenix, decides to intervene. "You're out of order, Butz! What gives you the right to badger the witness, who is YOUR own client, nonetheless?"
"I'm out of order!? You're out of order, this whole court's out of order, the candy machine in the Defendant's Lobby has been out of order for the past month!" Larry yells with a tomato red face as he flails his arms.
Franziska then whips Larry. "Larry Butz, as much as I like seeing Phoenix Wright get tortured, if I see one more foolish outburst from you, then I will hold you in contempt of court. Do I make myself clear?"
Larry confirms by silently nodding his head as he breaks out in a nervous sweat.
Franziska cracks her whip. "I feel that there is no need to continue on with this foolish trial. Does the Plaintiff have any closing arguments?"
"None needed, Your Honor." Edgeworth calmly states as he clenches his sleeve.
"And the defense?"
"Kill me, kill me now…" Phoenix mumbles to himself as he grips his head.
"This court finds the defendant, Mr. Phoenix Wright… foolishly guilty. As punishment, the defendant must give in to all of the plaintiff's current and future financial demands, no questions asked. The court is adjourned!" Franziska says as she cracks her whip.
At that moment, Phoenix is surrounded by hundreds of Mayas, all of whom are tugging at his suit with mischievous grins on their faces. "Buy me burgers! Buy me Burgers! C'mon Nick, buy me burgers so that we can watch Steel Samurai!" All of Mayas constantly say, creating a cacophony of whinny demands.
"Noooooooooo!" Phoenix yells as he is blinded by a bright light, and when he regains his sight, is back in his holding cell.
The show then focuses back on Blaise. "I know what you're thinking: 'How would Pearl know about sex?' Well, it's all in the context of the punishment, y'know. Y'see, if there's a universe where Larry Butz can pose as an attorney and little von Karma becomes a television judge, then anything's possible… Except, of course, having it where Lil' Centurion condoms do their job instead of instead of impregnating your late wife and giving you an idiot son!" Blaise yells as he clenches his lighter, causing a pillar of fire to erupt from his lighter and his beard to catch on fire as a result. Blaise then quickly uses the tear water from his goggles to extinguish the fire on his beard. "Anyways, let's move on to the next punishment."
Before Blaise can reach into the jar to pull out another note, he hears a beep from a nearby monitor.
"It seems that today's episode has come to a close. I am Blaise Debeste, and I thank you for watching "Pick Your Poison! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure that stagehand restocked my mini-fridge, because if he didn't, he's gonna disappear."
A puff of smoke then appears on stage as Blaise Debeste vanishes into thin air.