We Sat there almost 4 minutes while Matt looked at me, stunned like he tryed to put together the unbelievable things he just found out.
And like he tried to see trought my mask of lies. To find the real me
hiddin under everything I put on everyday.
But he can't.
Matt is the person who knows me best, he could be a real
problem if he would found out what is going on here. I should think
about that, try to find a solution, bit for now Im save.
I can see it in his eyes how try to analize me that he dosent have a clue.
As Matt finally managed to stand up so I could rise from the ground as
well I took him only three seconds to lit another cigarette between
his lips. Silently the smoke slit out of the corner of his lips and
rose up to the sky. My gaze followed this for a moment before it
switched back to Matt.
"Come on, Let's go Inside again...! Or do you suddenly expirienced
the Beaty of nature?" a wide grin spread to my face as he took a long
drag of his cigarette and flipped the end of it to the ground.
Matts Expression changed, from suspicious to His normal laid back
self. His face became calm again.
"Ya, like that will ever happen.." he trough his arm around my
shoulders wich took me all my streght not to flich. I hadent seen that
coming.
"I rather want to enjoy the warm air inside, next to a tv screen of
course..!" he added and dragged me along with him back into the large
building.
All the Way back to our Shared room i chewed at my Bottom lip, trying
to push the nervous thoughts out if my head. But they won't go away,
like always. Why can't it be easier? Many people can just push a
trought away if they want, they can even forgot something important
multiply times in their lives. Why am I one of these who can't? It's
one of these genius kind of things, like if you have a better mind and
an higher iq, if your brain is more skilled then it should be then you
get those extra features. Like better and faster learning, or no need
to study at all, some talents as Matt got with computers and his
incradibly fast reflexes, or like Linda who has an photografic mind.
I wish I could push these nagging thoughts aside...
We were just one floor away from our room when we came across the
large common room of Wammys, were the ones who aren't studing their
asses of usually spend their afternoons together, as the days get
colder there are more people inside then in summer of course. But one
is always there, just like Matt who is also always inside no matter
wich season or weather it is. I could feel my emotions, my confusion
and hatred and my nervousness and everything inside if me come
together and mixing till a great bubble of anger formed itself and
rose up, bubbleing deep down in my stomach by even looking at this
prig. There he sat, all white a contrast to the dark wooden floor,
sprawled on the dusty wood in between two puzzles, moving his mouth
like he mumbles without one sound escaping his thin lips.
"Wat'sup..?" I can hear Matts voice from far away, like he would call
me from an old telephone with bad connection, too many sound in my
ears to hear his voice clearly. I hadent realized I stopped walking
until now. Then I could see Matt tense. He knew what would follow now,
and I now it as well but I can't do anything against my hatred
torwards this white pig, not even if I wanted too...
"Hey Near...!" I shout in his direction, aprouching him fast my
footsteps echoing from the walls.
You could feel the air tense.
"..." he gave me no look, just stared down on his puzzle trying to
find the fitting piece.
"...shithead, you hear me..?" I tryied again to get his attention,
this time by pushing his pieces trough the room with my feet. No
reaction.
Maybe he gripped his piece a nit tighther or was this just my
imagination..?
I don't quiete know why I always feel my anger rising when I saw him,
maybe becourse he always gets what u want but never has to work for
it? I mean, I'm already at my limit, mentally, I'm not far away from
bursting, exploding and going insane, he just sits there calm as
everyday. Part of me asks myself if he also got some dark secret wich
Keely him sane, but before I thought about that too much my feet
already colliedes with his side. He dissent even flinch, I pull up my
nose in disguest. Ya, I hate him, totally truly hate him fir beeing
him. Beeing better. Beeing what I wanted to be. And with beeing this
and staying psychally stable. Alive.
Or...what you can call alive on him. He seems more like a walking
ghost most of the time.
My fists clench and again my feet colliedes with his side, with his
stomach, now with more power behind it. I push him over, landing on
him and pressing his arm to the ground, while I still got no reaction
from him. It's unfair, he is unfair, life is unfair...!
Near was just there, He was simply just there when my anger bursts
out. It's his own fault.
I clench my teeth as his gaze collieded with mine, arctic blue met
cloudy grey. Like dark clouds full if rain.
"...useless little piece of shit..! You don't habe any emotions right?
Poor you, never smile, never laugh, never cry...what a pitty..!" I
began, I hadent realised when I began screaming and when my voice
changed from English to russian.
"..but poor little near does never to anything wrong, right?
Everythings just perfect for you...! You never do anything for it,
your not even happy about your luck! You don't deserve it, nothing of
it! You deserve nothing!" I screed, shivering in rage and punching him
in his face again and again till my fits feld numb.
His eyes were half lidded.
"...You..don't derseeve...a..fucking shit..of..it..!" i Spatzes
throught gritted teeth Before strong hands pulled me away from the
almost unconsisiones Near, yanking my body away from his so he could
stand up, trembling from the shock he dosent show.
I hear everything trough a wall. a wall of my anger, of my rushing
blood and pounding heartbeat, of my bubbleing emotions and the words
falling out of my mouth and of my fear wich is build up so high inside
of my that it seems like it could consume me.
And then I don't remember how I ended up ten minutes later in the
office where I was so often, led to it by Rogers strong hand. Matt
said something but I can't remember what it was. I can just remember
my anger slowly got smaller on my inside, like some monter gaining
control over me and now hiding again in the dark corners of my mind.