Alistair's Diary

Day 1:

This is the bestest day EVER!

Competed in a tourney and guess I did OK because this guy in a skirt with a pony tail said I could join Grey Wardens. YES! Toodles, Chantry!

Skirt dude gave me this journal because he said maybe I should write stuff down instead of sharing everything. Not sure why he said that, but here goes.

Commence diaryaring!

Day 4:

Pony tail guy named Duncan. Just met him, but like a father to me. But nothing like my actual dad, the philandering fancy pants.

Side note: why is it called a pony tail? Why not a horse tail? I like horses. Not really enough horses in Ferelden, far as I'm concerned. Oxen not nearly as sexy.

Day 17:

Joining ceremony a bit iffy. Cup much too big, dripped blood on my collar. Saw a man die, v. sad.

Day 23:

Being a Grey Warden AWESOME! All we do is sit around drinking and eating and extreme bad-ass being. Many new friends. Am v. happy!

Duncan says I should keep at templar stuff. Possibly useful, he says. Also says he likes how quiet I am when I'm templar-ing. OK, Duncan, you joker. Love you!

Day 187:

Gave some new recruits the what for. One of them pretty hot. Elissa. Mmm. Sounds like Elicit. As in, I'm going to elicit… something, from her. OK, gonna work on that line before I try it out loud.

Alistair & Elissa (the author has drawn a large heart around the two names, with an arrow through it )

Did I just draw a heart in a freaking notebook? Am I a thirteen year old girl?

Day 188:

Big battle today. Have lame mission in tower with beacon. Wondering why smart guy like Loghain can't just count down from twenty?

Elissa on mission also. Nice. Maybe not total loss. Can show her how awesome I am. Hey, sweetheart, this is a nice sword, right? Want to hold it? Ha ha ha.

Day 189:

AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN! WTF?

Day 192:

Deep breath. I'm OK. I'm OK.

Mission not simple as expected. Massive understatement! Am now senior Grey Warden in whole country in middle of Blight. Crap. Ferelden possibly screwed. Am on road with Elissa and a venomous harpy named Morrigan. HATE her. She and her mom are maleficawhatsits, which are very bad, I'm told.

Ooh, Elissa gave me cake. Said her dog found it. Ha ha, sure. I love her. You know who else I loved? Duncan.

AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN!

Day 194:

New friends! Leliana and Sten. Sten hates Morrigan too. High five, Sten. OK, maybe later.

Day 201:

Told Elissa about whole royal bastard thing. She was pretty OK with it. Turns out she's a Cousland!

If I were really a prince, we could get married. Wish I had a last name so could fantasize about sticking mine after hers. Elissa and Alistair request the honor of your presence at the celebration of their royal wedding in Denerim on the afternoon of

Ha ha, just kidding. Should probably burn this.

Day 203:

Had a gabfest with Elissa today about our party members. It's been confirmed: I am indeed a thirteen year old girl.

Day 207:

Saw Isolde today, the bitch who ruined my childhood. Killed her in blood magic ritual. V. mad at Elissa despite hotness and childhood ruining!

Eamon v. sick, gonna go find some magic ashes for him.

Day 231:

Little side trip to Brecilian Forest. I'm sure we'll get right back to the quest for magic ashes to save my adoptive father. Who is totally dying right now, Elissa, hello?

Day 245:

Some crazy elf dude tried to kill us! AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN!

Then Elissa recruited him. WTF? That's it, our imaginary wedding is off.

Day 264:

Am trapped in Circle Tower with Elissa and Leliana. Seen a bunch of messed-up templars in here. There but for fortune, right? Phew!

Met an old lady who is super awesome and drinks beer and fixes my shirts. Also handy with a broken tibia. Love her.

But not like that, ew, she's old.

Day 279:

Elissa took me to see my half sister. Who sucks, what the hell, do I look rich to you woman? Is this the haircut of a rich man? No, it's not, in case you are unfamiliar with the going rate on haircuts.

Elissa's so sweet though. Love her again.

I think I might be making progress with her. She said everybody's in it for themselves. Is she trying to tell me something? Like, hint hint, maybe it's time to get in it for myself, you know. With her. As in sex.

Wish me luck.:)

Day 280:

ZEVRAN I HATE YOU!

Hmm, Leliana seems sympathetic. Really sympathetic. I didn't think she liked men. Maybe I'm just that awesome.

Day 281:

Or not. Moving on.

Day 289:

Hi, everybody, look at me, I'm a tanorexic man-whore with lady hair whose accent is SO completely fake, and for some reason women just fall all over me, maybe it's because I have no standards ever think of that huh Zevran who is me?

Day 301:

And now we're in the Deep Roads. Huh. I think Elissa forgot all about the magic ashes, with all the filthy man-whore sex she's having.

Picked up a dwarf. Possible he masturbates in public. Not sure. Conversation was confusing.

Day 327:

Back at Ostagar. Is v. depressing. Wynne kind of hit on me. Learned darkspawn can giggle, was vaguely disturbed. Also, saw my dead brother's corpse. Looked a lot like me, except for humiliating death.

Day 355:

Andraste's Ashes. FINALLY! Now we can go cure Eamon.

Day 368:

Crap, Eamon wants to make me King. Put him back in the coma!

Day 376:

Killed Morrigan's mom for her today.

Don't tell anyone, but Morrigan's sorta growing on me. Like a toe fungus. If toe fungus were really hot, scantily clad, and did this cute thing with her lips when she laughed.

Kind of fantasizing about her right now. Mmm, Morrigan. I'm not hearts-in-notebooks about her or anything, but yeah, I'd hit that. The girl is an animal. I mean, quite literally she's often an animal. Wonder if she can do a horse?

Day 382:

Some Crow loser tried to kill Zevran. He failed, bummer. Are all Crows this utterly incompetent?

Day 385:

Elissa wants me to marry Anora. Fine, it's not like I wanted to marry you any more, anyway, you stupid tramp. Anora's prettier than you are, so there. A little frigid, maybe, and she got me thrown in prison just now, but pretty, right?

Whatever, she has boobs, I'm in.

Day 387:

Zevran offered to take me to the Pearl. I'm not sure what that was about.

Wow, my sword looks really dull. I should probably polish it.

Day 396:

Fought Loghain to the death today. That felt AWESOME. Revenge is a dish best served all over the horrified face of your enemy's daughter.

Looks like I'm gonna be King. Not King yet, though. Might as well keep risking my life for the next few weeks.

Day 412:

So, today was... different.

Redcliffe Castle a mess. Darkspawn everywhere. Took care of it though, because, hey, we're awesome. Anyway. That Orlesian tool Riordan wanted to talk to us again. I'm thinking, shut up already. Got a coven of blood mages you think would make good Wardens? Maybe a rabid dog? Jackass.

Nope. Turns out one of us has to die to kill the Archdemon. When we kill it it's going to squish our souls right out of our bodies. WTF? Why didn't anyone tell me this? I like my soul! Being a Grey Warden sucks! I hate you, Riordan! Hope it's you!

In other news, I nailed Morrigan. Elissa set it up. Kinky, right?

Day 413:

Gave rousing speech today. Not sure why I focused on Grey Wardens. Most people here don't know a Grey Warden from a tomato farmer. Used manly voice, though, think was inspiring.

Party's looking at me funny. Not sure why.

Day 415:

Elissa killed the Archdemon, and we're both peachy keen and not disensouled at all. Riordan was a dumbass. No surprise there!

Morrigan took off. Whatever, not like I thought it could become something serious or anything. Not like I was trying to find a way to keep her around the castle. No, you're right, logical head voice, it never would have worked out. I'm OK.

Day 418:

So, am King now. Heady stuff. I feel a long journal entry coming on. Brace yourselves!

It's the weirdest thing. If you had told me when I was sleeping in Redcliffe stables that I would be King someday, well, I would have asked you what you were doing in the Redcliffe stables at night and what you just saw me doing with that horse was not what it looked like, OK?

Sorry, not the point. The point is I'm KING now and I can do whatever I want. So get on your knees, y'all, his majesty is in the house. I even have a last name. Theirin, which sounds like "they're in" as in, "Those horses you asked for? They're in your bedroom."

All v. good. Duncan's avenged, Blight's over, and Queen is smoking hot once blood cleaned off. Awesome!