Oh my, but this is getting so fun! Do not take this seriously, I mean it! The characters had better run far away from me, I've got a lot of evil stuff in store for them. Oh kami, help them all. The OOC scale has definitely shot through the roof on this one…

Disclaimer: Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off them… now that just sounds wrong. I could not possibly own the song because it even came before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

Love Potion Number Nine

She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"
It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink…

Chapter 3 "It's Love At First Sight!"

The creaking of metal could be heard as Al tried to flip himself over like an overturned tortoise. Yup, he had fallen and he couldn't get up.

The sun was just beginning to set so the area held a very slight orange tint to it. Al sighed as the glimmer of… whatever it was, still hung in the area. He listened to the various, bizarre shouts around him since after Envy threw him, his helmet rolled away and was now lying with its eyes facing the ground.

That was until the sensation of someone screwing his 'head' back on, startled him. "Nii-san?" He asked and he heard the person chuckle. He turned his head to the side to see a wavy silhouette hovering above him. He gasped and finally sat upright when he realized just who it was.

No, it certainly wasn't his brother.

Not by a long shot.

"Hello, Alphonse." Lust smiled brightly and sweetly at him before opening her eyes to reveal her pink-violet eyes that were practically melting over with happiness and… her sin. "Or is it Mister tall, metal and shiny?" She cooed.

Al just stared at her in confusion. "Um, no… it's still Alphonse." Where did that come from? The last thing he remembered was his brother acting rash as usual and smashed open some weird red jewel. Was it a Philosopher's Stone? That couldn't be, the genuine stone can't break. Then of course everyone started acting weird… to say the least. Then Winry… wait…

Winry!

Al looked past Lust to the entrance of the clearing and found it to be empty. Then that meant Envy had… and with everyone acting like this… oh god.

Lust scrunched up her eyebrows and looked about ready to pour her eyes out. "Are you really that naïve?" She lifted one of his giant hands from underneath and placed her other hand on top. "Why do you think I've been following you and your brother around? Don't you see? I LOVE YOU, ALPHONSE ELRIC!"

"… … … WWHHHAAAAATT?!?!" And just like that, all thoughts of logic and natural order came to a screeching halt in Al's mind.

"ALPHONSE?!" "THE TIN CAN?!" He heard two very different voices shout in anger from behind.

Both Al and Lust swivelled their heads around to see Scar and Wrath standing a few feet away looking none too happy. Scar was covered in little scratches all along his arms, while Wrath on the other hand, looked horribly mangled and twisted beyond recognition. That was until a moment passed and his body healed over and he was actually able to stand.

"Uh…" Al finally pulled himself onto his feet.

"That's right!" Lust got up off her knees as well and gripped onto Al's metal arm. "He is my choice. Alphonse is the one who has run off with my heart like a thief in the night!" She declared as she lay her head on his arm.

"The hunk of steel?" Scar stated in disbelief.

"Hunk is right." Lust cooed as she traced delicate patterns along Al's chest plate.

"Um…" Al stuttered. 'Who are you people?!'

"The one who struts around in nothing but a loin cloth?" Wrath's mouth fell agape.

Lust shrugged. "It doesn't bother me." She nuzzled her head against his arm. "Right, Al? Uh… Al?"

"Ah!" By this point against all odds Al's eyes had become bulbous. "Well, I…" Lust was looking at him worriedly while Scar and Wrath were staring him down murderously. "GOTTA GO!" He squealed as he tore himself away and bolted.

"AL! Don't leave me!" Lust called, holding her hands over her heart.

Scar and Wrath watched him go for a moment. "Hey…" Wrath started.

"What?" Was Scar's gruff response.

"Well… we both want the same thing…" Wrath continued, clueless about how to word his thoughts.

Scar smirked. "So what you're trying to suggest is that we combine forces. Is that correct?"

Wrath glanced up at him, a wicked glint in his eyes. Scar wordlessly extended his hand and Wrath shook his thumb since that was all he could get a firm grip on. Then they both ran past Lust and tore after the fleeing suit of armour to open up a can of whoop ass.

Lust stood there with her arms extended out like a lost puppy before chasing after all of them shouting. "ALPHONSE! Come back! Wait for me, my DEAREST!"

In the same clearing, a much different scenario was going on…

"WHAT?!" Ed and Lyra shouted in disbelief.

Greed sighed dreamily and lightly swayed on his heel. "I have always loved Edward Elric. He's SO beautiful and perfect, and he's got the nicest ass-"

"Aiee!" Ed squeaked as his hands came around to cover his behind from certain prying eyes.

Lyra jumped in front of Ed, opening her arms wide in a shielding stance. "YOOUUU PERVERT! What are you? Some kind of pedophile?!"

Greed placed his hands on his chest. "My heart does not know such crude words, but I know who it yearns for." He clicked his tongue a few times in Ed's direction.

"Ewwwwww." Ed hid himself further behind Lyra which was quite easy. Being shorter than her and all. "What is your problem, sicky? I'M STRAIGHT!" He gripped onto the side of Lyra's arms and peered out. "Why do you think I practically drape myself in leather?! What girl CAN'T resist LEATHER?!"

"Certainly not me." Lyra tilted her head back and sighed.

"That's right, my precious." Ed rubbed his face against Lyra's shoulder since that was all he could reach.

Greed looked about ready to blow a gasket. "I'll teach you the consequences of messing with MY man, you JEZEBEL!" And with that he made a beeline for them.

"Eeek!" Lyra shrieked as she grabbed Ed's flesh hand and they both tore into the forest with Greed hot on their heels.

"COME BACK! EDO-KUNNNNNNN!!"

Mustang was quite enjoying himself as expected. He looked back and forth between the two woman giving him loving, infatuated looks- except for Sloth temporarily, who was momentarily distracted by a passing moth- which was fine by him. Riza was still shooting Sloth glares, but he figured she would get over it soon enough. Then they could REALLY get down to business.

Mustang grinned madly at his own lecherous thoughts. He didn't think things could get any better, but they sure as hell could get worse when-

"RIZA-CHAN!"

Mustang grimaced. Too good to be true, he reasoned.

Riza jumped as Gluttony once again latched onto her uniform skirt. "OHHH, you're so prettyful." He stated, drooling all over the place and completely messing up the words.

"GROSS! It's salivating all over me!" She gagged and slammed her elbow into his skull.

"I thought I TOLD you not to touch Riza! You vile tub of LARD!" Roy shouted as he smacked Gluttony in the head twice with his fist for good measure.

"But-but-but…" Gluttony fell back onto his behind. "I saw her, I saw her…" Then he took on the usual look he got before visiting his version of a buffet. "RIZA-CHAN'S MINE! Whatever Gluttony wants is whatever Gluttony gets." He licked his chops as he bared his teeth.

Roy looked more than just a little disgusted. "All you want to do is eat her! And you eat… everything!"

Gluttony made a face. "Nuh uh, I wouldn't eat YOU. You're probably all tough and grisly." He turned to Riza who immediately soured. "You on the other hand would be so sweet and delicious. And I'll keep you right next to my heart for all eternity!" He beamed while patting his enormous belly.

Riza shuddered while Sloth was giggling wildly on the side. "I think they would make the perfect couple. Don't you think so, Roy dear?" She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his torso from behind.

Gluttony smiled abnormally. "RIGHT! RIZA-CHANNNN!!" He hollered as he began chasing after her. Riza yelped and also took off in the opposite direction, completely forgetting that there was a time only awhile ago when she wouldn't have tolerated this.

"STOP! KEEP YOUR GRUBBY HANDS AWAY FROM HER!" Roy yelled as he untangled himself from Sloth and chased after them dragging Sloth by the hand behind him. She almost tripped a few times before she picked up the end of her gown and sighing. This was NOT what she wanted to be doing right now.

And of course, just a couple miles away…

"EYYAAA!" Winry shrieked as Envy began picking up speed. "Put me DOWN! Where are we going?!"

"Not to worry, Winry-san!" Envy sang. "Fear not! I will never let anything happen to you!"

"Yeah, right!" Winry shouted over the rustling of the branches he was whipping through. "You're probably going to take me back to… wherever you homunculi reside!"

"Feh…" Envy looked disgusted. "That place is hell on Shamballa. I'm taking you someplace better."

Winry looked at him oddly before glancing ahead at what looked like the edge of… a cliff… "STOOOP! Take me back right now, you freak!" Except by now it was too late. They were both approaching the cliff at an alarming rate and Envy who seemed to be knowing exactly what he was doing, tightened his grip on her. "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" She started wildly squirming around.

"Not totally…" He smirked. "Hang on tight!" He warned before jumping right off the edge!

"Eeeeek!" She looked down to see a ledge a little ways down, assuming that was what he was aiming for. "YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT!"

"Pfft." Envy flipped her of the eyes. "I've done this a thousand times before. This jump is child's play to me."

"NOOO! WE'RE GONNA FALL! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She shrieked, but Envy didn't seem to be paying attention. He was too busy casually bobbing his head with a blissful smile on his face while humming something that sounded a lot like Heat of the Moment. Until he actually reached the other side and dug his heels deep into the rocky wall, while Winry was still screaming her lungs out until he slowed them down to a stop.

She was quivering uncontrollably, but he couldn't see her face because sometime during their little descent she had twisted her body around and now had a death grip on him while her chin rested on his shoulder. "Winry?" He asked, but she didn't budge an inch. On the spot, he shifted her around to his front so he could use his other hand to grip the rocks in front.

On the inside, Winry was absolutely livid because of the certain area their bodies were touching, but right now she was frozen on the spot from the sight of the abyss. She was startled when he felt him bend and start to jump up the wall quite easily. Then again, he was a homunculus.

He reached the top within minutes and set down on the grassy floor once more. "There!" He grinned. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"Please… please let me down…" He heard her strangled voice. His eyes widened and he immediately set her down. She stumbled a bit from the feeling of rubber in her legs, but she quickly straightened her posture before he got all weird again. "You take me back RIGHT NOW, Envy!" Nevertheless, she always had the strength to talk back to anybody.

He looked surprised once more. "Why would I do that, Winry?"

Her eyes widened. What was the matter with HIM? With EVERYONE really! She had never seen or even heard of a homunculus being so… expressive before.

"Because-because…" She felt herself shiver under the intensity of his gaze. "Because it's wrong!"

"Hmm? It doesn't seem wrong to me." He cocked his head to the side as he took a step forward and carefully slipped his arm around her waist.

"It-um-uh…" Winry felt her knees weaken as he continued to stare into her eyes. "I… I'M REALLY THIRSTY!" She blurted out.

"Oh?" Envy raised an eyebrow, before grinning like a fool. "Then I'll get you something. I think I saw a stream a little ways back." He waved at her as he jumped over a bush and entered the sea of trees.

Winry waited quietly until he was long out of sight. Now was her only chance.

Without a second thought, Winry took off towards a bridge she had noticed during her little 'joy ride,' though she wasn't surprised that he had taken the suicidal approach. It took her only a few minutes to reach the other side, feeling like she was running for her life, until she finally reached the path that she had taken to get there in the first place.

She tore down the path nearly stumbling a few times while the only thing she could hear was her own ragged breathing. She felt a rush of relief wash over her as she saw the town of Dublith come into sight. 'Izumi, Izumi.' Her mind chanted, knowing it would be comforting to see the older woman after all this.

And to tell her about what was happening to her students, because right now, Winry had no idea what to do for her friends, Colonel Mustang, or Riza-san.

Meanwhile, Envy was just coming back to where he thought Winry would still be. He held an umbrella leaf filled with water from said nearby creak in his arms. "Sorry it took so long, Winry. But that first stream was kinda disturbing." He looked up and was startled to see her nowhere in sight. "Winry?" He took a few more steps into the clearing and looked around until the reality sunk in that she really had left…

The leaf fell from his hands, sloshing its contents out onto the grass. "WWIIINNNNRRRYYYYYYYYYY!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he slammed his fists repeatedly into the ground in an all out 'emo' state. "WHHHHYYYY? IS IT BECAUSE… IS IT BECAUSE OF MY CLOTHES?! WINRY! I CAN CHAAANGEEE!!!"

By now his famous tendency to throw tantrums had formed a crater around him. He fell onto his knees while still punching the ground and screeching a certain person's name over and over, causing a flock of innocent birds nearby to clear the area.

Winry squeaked because she could even hear him as she finally reached the entrance to the town. By now the sun had almost completely set and the whole area was engulfed in a burnt orange. As she rushed by a crowd that was gathered by the entrance, looking up at the mountain towards the forest. She overheard a few of them ask. "Who's Winry?" While a few others who were mostly hearing the rumbling were musing that there were no active volcanoes in the area.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she arrived at Izumi's home and quietly pushed the door open as not to scare the hell out of poor Mason this time. She noticed the three of them at the table eating dinner, so she decided not to disturb them and instead went up to her room.

She closed the door silently and immediately shuddered while clawing at herself. She had been much too close to that potentially walking social disease and all she wanted to do right now was take a hot shower. Huffing, she pulled out what she would need from the drawer and left for the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later, she returned dressed up in her famous lavender jumpsuit with the jacket tied around her waist, sandals, and black tube top, using a small white towel to dry off her silky, blonde hair. After it was dry, she brushed her hair out before tying it back up into a ponytail and wrapped her strawberry coloured bandana on to complete the attire.

She sighed as she flopped back onto her bed, completely sapped of her energy. She wondered if it would be okay to take a short nap before filling Izumi in on what had happened. They were probably better off than she had just been. She stretched out her muscles than relaxed as she thought about the day's events. It was so strange. Al and her had been fine while everyone else had practically lost their heads. Then there was that weird, green-haired boy…

Winry's eyes widened as she wildly shook her head. Why couldn't she get that bizarre, grinning man out of her head?! She made a frustrated sound as she felt her skin crawl and automatically started scratching. Well, it was possible that something that looked like that could have fleas!

After a moment her eyes felt heavy, and before she knew it she drifted off into a quiet sleep. Unbeknownst to her of a certain spectator who had been watching her through the window the whole time.

After he was sure she was asleep, he edged over and gently eased open the window which, luckily for him, she had absentmindedly left unlocked. He stood rooted to the spot for a moment, gazing over her sleepy form as her chest gracefully rose with each of her even breaths. The moon had just shown itself and was now illuminating her already pale skin ethereally. Quietly, he began to walk over to her without making a sound.

He sat on the edge of her bed and stayed still for a moment when she moaned and started shifting. Perhaps she was having a nightmare? He snickered to himself. She certainly would be if she awoke and saw his shadow. Which looked like a giant spider. When she finally quieted down, he reached over and ran his fingers through her soft locks, letting them caress his tips before getting up on one knee and hovering over her. His face was so close their noses were practically touching…

Izumi reached the top of the stairs carrying a tray of food in hand. To her knowledge, Winry had been in her room all day and was worried that she was famished by now. She knocked on the door a few times, but received no response. Assuming maybe she had fallen asleep, she hesitantly placed her hand on the doorknob and pushed it open. "Winry-san? May I come in?" She stood in the doorway for a moment and blinked a few times.

Her bed was empty and so was the room.

Placing the tray onto the nightstand, she noticed the wind blowing in through the open window, ruffling the curtains. She went over to close it while gazing out into the moonlight. Perhaps she had gone out to reconcile with her students? That seemed like something she would do, since they hadn't returned yet.

She frowned. Still, her keen instincts were telling her that something was amiss…

Oh, how right she was.